Each Wednesday, I answer one of your burning questions on the blog. This week Squirter asks:
I have never been a ‘squirter’ until recently. My new boyfriend is much larger than my ex. I think this may be the reason. I often wonder if this much squirting is too much.
Let me set the stage… I squirt a lot when I’m on top. Every time I raise up my body when I’m on top, in fact. I don’t even have to move and the flood gates open. My fluids make my boyfriend get chaffing! I can only enjoy sex on top so this is how I spend most of my time.
My questions are… Can’t I reduce the amount of squirting I do? Can I better control the squirting? Is it possible this is actually pee? Or how can I achieve orgasm in a different position?
You have some terrific questions about something many people have a lot of confusion about, including the medical community.
I’m going to answer your specific questions, but then answer a larger unasked question that may help you even more in the long run.
First things first – I’d like to ask if you are peeing before you engage in intercourse? It may seem obvious, but it’s a place to start. A swollen bladder can increase pressure in the pelvic area, which could be exacerbating things.
Speaking of squirting fluid, there is endless speculation and guessing about what is actually IN female ejaculate. The most recent medical studies that I actually trust, as analyzed by Emily Nagoski, (because there is some REALLY bad science out there on this topic) says squirting is partially fluid from the paraurethral gland, or the “g-spot”, and partially fluid from the bladder.
Now, if you click on the link to check out Emily’s analysis and check out this other one, you’ll notice that fluid from the bladder doesn’t necessarily mean urine or pee. What the science is suggesting is that the bladder fills with fluid during arousal, but that fluid isn’t necessarily urine.
A few years ago, I took a squirting class with Deborah Sundahl, and she postulated that the fluid in the bladder was actually overflow from the paraurethral gland – in other words, prostate fluid that, if not expelled via the gland itself, drains into the bladder.
I want you to notice a few things about the studies being cited – the number of participants being studied is VERY small. Single digits small in most cases. As you can imagine, it’s probably not very easy to get funding to study what squirting fluid consists of since, to date, it’s not harming anyone or causing any major syndromes…science has other things to focus on. Women’s pleasure and sexual experience continues to fall to the bottom of the To Do list.
Anyway, you’ll see loads of conflicting articles about squirting being urine, and as someone who squirts, I can tell you with 100% confidence that whatever I’m expelling, it is in no way similar to the urine I expel when I pee. That said, it’s worth checking with a sex positive OBGYN to ensure you aren’t experiencing some kind of stress-induced incontinence.
On to your next question.
Controlling the squirting may be possible with pelvic floor strengthening – I heard this recommendation from several fellow sex educators.
A lot of people have heard of Kegel exercises, but the problem with trying to do Kegel’s is many people don’t do them properly.
Instead, I recommend doing exercises like the ones Prevention outlined in an article on this very topic. Aim for several times per day over the course of a few weeks and see if you notice a difference.
You can also try investing in a vaginal egg, which is a heavy stone (often jade or quartz) egg that you insert into your vagina. You use the muscles of your pelvic floor to hold it inside of you. The stronger your muscles get, the longer you can wear the egg.
My only caution is to ensure you get an egg from a reputable source like She Bop in Portland or Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis (they both ship!) as eggs made from stones must be sourced from stone that doesn’t contain toxic elements like mercury.
Another exerciser that’s a little bit of an investment is the kGoal. This inflatable bulb contraption not only tracks your pelvic squeezes, but also how much you’re relaxing the muscle which is equally as important. It syncs with your smartphone, too. Tech for your vagina!
As your pelvic floor strengthens, you should have more control over your urine and ejaculate. Worth a shot – plus strong pelvic floor muscles are critical for long term sexual health in ALL bodies.
Before I dive into your final question, which will take a little bit of an unexpected turn, I want to offer a suggestion for the chafing that you mentioned.
If you apply silicone lube, like uberlube, to your boyfriend prior to sex, it will help protect against the chafing. Also, keep a towel nearby and use it to help keep things dry as your activities unfold. (uberlube is my go-to lube for almost all sexual activities, so I heartily endorse it’s awesomeness.)
Your final question about achieving orgasm in a different position.
This speaks to a larger issue that I want to offer some permission around.
You can have awesome, fulfilling, amazing, delicious, hot-as-fuck sex without engaging in intercourse.
You say you can “only enjoy sex” when you’re on top, but you’re also asking for other ways to experience orgasm.
If there’s something about the sex you’re having that isn’t working for one or both of you, stop having that kind of sex. At least for a little while.
What happens if you have yummy, delicious hand sex for an hour? What about mouths or toys? What about a shower head in just the right spot?
What happens when you’re in different positions for intercourse? How does it feel when you’re standing up? Bent over the bed? On your tummy with pillows under your hips?
Most of us get this idea in our heads of what sex is supposed to look like. We find something that makes us cum or that we enjoy, and then we kind of forget about the rest.
Orgasm should never be the goal of sex. Pleasure should be.
If your current activities are chafing your boyfriend and making you uncomfortable with the amount of wetness/squirting you’re experiencing, it doesn’t sound like you’re mentally enjoying that sex.
So, what would it look like to take a break from that kind of sex for awhile? Maybe one month?
In the meantime, what are ALLLLLLLLL the other ways you could sexually experience each other to see how your bodies react?
Our brains have a habit of wanting to take the quickest route to a reward, so you have to know going in that it could take some time to learn new ways to savor sexual touches. You have to give yourself permission to have experiences that may not look anything like the current way you do sex.
It can take some time and a lot of vulnerability to learn new ways to explore your body, but talk about a fantastic way to connect with your boyfriend!
I know it’s a radical idea, but I am serious about taking the you-on-top intercourse option off the table for a little while. Take it completely off the menu if you want to go on this journey.
Try different positions, KNOWING it may feel different or take a lot longer to experience orgasm. Try different ways of having sex – from hand sex and oral sex to anal sex, toys, mutual masturbation, orgasm denial, and whatever else your imagination can cook up.
Since this relationship is fairly new, it stands to reason that you have an awful lot to learn about each other. Make it a game that doesn’t have any goal other than to simply find out what each and every option feels like in your body with this particular sexual partner.
My final thought is this… Get curious about your body.
If you’ve never squirted like this before, now is the perfect time for you and your boyfriend to put on your explorer hats and see what your body does with other positions, sensations, and experiences.
What about when you masturbate? When you’re flying solo can you achieve orgasm with different squirting results?
What happens if you get on top and as you start to get aroused, you switch positions? What if you lift off him when you start squirting and let yourself cum on different parts of his body before going back to being on top?
What are all the ways you can tinker with what you know to yield new results?
Maybe this is just your body’s way of saying “this is what I do” when you and your boyfriend’s bodies are in this particular position.
As long as everything checks out medically, I don’t see anything wrong or abnormal with your body or experience. You just have to find ways to make it work for you!
There’s a LOT to consider here from small, simple changes like lube and a towel to committing to really getting to know your body. Try a few things, revisit your feelings, and then decide what’s next.
What do you think, dear reader? Are you a squirter? How does it work for you? Comment below with your story.
Have your own question about sex, relationships, kink, or your body? Send it my way (there’s an anonymous option) and I may answer your inquiry on the podcast or in the weekly advice column, Wednesday Words.