Each Wednesday, I answer one of your burning questions on the blog. This week Dildo Deprived asks:
Hello! How goes? I discovered your podcast just a few weeks ago, so I haven’t listened to all of them. I apologize if this has already been discussed.
Your podcast has come at a very interesting point in my life. I recently started dating someone and he is very into kink. He’s been introducing me to lots of new sexual experiences, especially BDSM things – and I’m loving it! Listening to your podcast has also helped reaffirm my enjoyment in these “deviant” activities and made me more confident to explore and be creative with my sexuality.
I realize I’ve had a whole lot of mediocre sex up until now in my life, and I’m excited to be turning that around! I never used toys with sex partners before, I only had my hands tied once – unfortunate, since being tied up and tying my lover up with rope is the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced!!
My lover has a whole bunch of toys, but I want to have some of my own. I don’t really know where to start though since this is all new to me. I also want to explore things on my own, not necessarily him showing me all the ropes (pun intended). Finally, I don’t have the money to buy a whole bunch of toys that I’ll only use once. My question is, do you have a “Toolbox for Newbies”? Like, essential toys that you think everyone (especially sexy ladies like myself) should have?
Thank you so much, and keep up the awesome show!
Welcome to the world of toys and kink, Dildo Deprived. I love that you have someone who is inviting you to discover new sexual pleasure and yumminess. It’s exciting, isn’t it?
I love your request for a toolbox for newbies, though it can be so difficult to recommend certain things (like toys) without knowing what each person enjoys.
So, this is me doing my best at some generic advice to get you started.
Dawn’s Official Sex Toolbox for Newbies:
- Lube – a water-based and a silicone at a minimum
- Butt plug
- Wand vibrator (if you like intense vibrations)
- Body safe internal vibe or dildo
- Silicone cock ring (if you have a penis or play with someone who does)
- Safer sex supplies – internal condoms, external condoms, nitrile gloves, plastic wrap or dental dams
- Sensation tools – feathers, scarves, candles, clothespins
- Impact tool of choice – a soft flogger is a terrific place to begin
- Creativity, courage, and curiosity – the most important part of your toolbox
- (optional) Strap-on harness – not just for folks with vulvas, it can be super handy to have a hard cock ready to go in almost any situation
Let’s dig into each item, shall we?
Lube
First off, you’ll want high quality lubes. Yes, plural.
My recommendation is a non-toxic water-based lube like Sliquid and a high-quality silicone lube like uberlube. Since different lubes are better for certain activities, I recommend having a minimum of two, but honestly…can you ever have too much lube?
Water-based lubes are latex safe if you’re using condoms, compatible with all toy materials, and good for most sexual activities. Water-based lubes can sometimes be too thin for intense anal play, so if you’re into butt love then either get a thick, gel water-based lube like Sliquid Sassy which provide more cushion, or get a silicone lube.
Silicone lubes last longer as the skin doesn’t absorb them the way it does water-based lubes. Silicone lubes are latex safe, terrific for sexual activities like vaginal intercourse or hand sex, and are compatible with some toys. Silicone toys and silicone lube don’t always mix as the silicones bond to each other, so always do a spot test or just put a condom over your silicone toys. Voila.
Next up, a butt plug.
Butt plugs come in a variety of sizes, so if you’re new to anal play, get a small one that is about the size of a finger. A non-toxic silicone one by Fun Factory (Boosty) or Tantus (Little Flirt) usually runs $30-40 and will last a lifetime. Fun for wearing alone, during intercourse, as part of a power exchange scene, and just because it feels good.
Magic wand
Vibrators are SO difficult to recommend to folks because every single body likes a variety of sensations and the options on the market are astounding.
If you really want a vibrator for your collection, pop over to Dangerous Lilly or Oh Joy, Sex Toy for a plethora of reviews (keeping in mind their bodies may not be anything like your body).
From small bullet vibes to dual-use vibes to wands, this is the most complicated part of the toolbox.
I selected a wand as one of my recommendations because a wand is really versatile, is super easy for partners to use, you can mute the vibration by putting a towel between the head of the wand and your body, and honestly works for muscle soreness (it’s intended use). The Vibratex Magic Wand has been around for many decades. The one with the cord runs about $70 and the cordless rechargeable is a bit of an investment at around $120-140.
Vibrator or dildo
If super intense isn’t your thing, or you don’t want the bulk that comes with a wand, then a small vibrator or dildo can be an incredible addition to your toolbox.
On a budget? Try going for a smaller bullet vibe like the Jazzy by Fun Factory which runs around $30 or the Little Secrets line from Tantus which is around $35. Tantus also has a delicious selection of dildos in a variety of prices that are all body safe and non-toxic.
Personally, I would opt for a wand vibrator and a dildo as my ideal pairing. Why? The wand is incredibly versatile for pleasure and torture alike. It can also be fun to hold against a butt plug for some major anal stimulation.
A dildo can be turned into a vibrator simply by holding the wand against the base. Also, dildos can be fun for experimenting with in power exchange scenes, for role-playing group sex or gang bangs, and also can slip into a strap-on harness for some strap-on sex, too.
Silicone cock ring
If a penis is in your life, a cock ring should be in your toolbox. Specifically, the Tantus Super Soft C-Ring. Made of silicone and a size that can work with many penises, this is a great introduction to the joy of cock rings.
Not only do cock rings increase pleasure for some wearers, but by trapping the blood in the shaft of the penis, it helps folks stay harder, longer, and offers a more engorged experience.
Feel free to experiment with other materials, but stay away from steel cock rings. Anything that is not flexible and impossible to destroy can spell disaster for your genitals.
Sex supplies
Depending on your needs and the folks you’re playing with, having a fun selection of safer sex supplies handy is always a good idea. That way, the fun can happen without that awkward “uh, I didn’t bring enough, did you?” moment.
For me, I always pack external condoms (condoms that go on a dick or a dildo), internal condoms (condoms that go inside a vagina), nitrile gloves (sexy as fuck and great for folks with latex allergies), little lube packets, and wipes for easy clean-up.
Just remember – don’t get your supplies get super hot or friction-y, as it can damage the integrity of the materials.
Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-touch me
As much fun as it is to have a wall-o-pleasure-and-pain with 50,000 things to choose from, the truth is you can do an awful lot with very little when it comes to sensation play.
Literally, everything in your home or hotel room is a potential pervertable in some way.
Have a Bible in a drawer? Turn it into a paddle for someone’s ass.
Have a condom wrapper? The corner of that little fucker can be pure torture if it’s dragged lightly on an inner thigh.
Decide what sensations you enjoy playing with and then ensure your toolbox has a few to choose from. Common ones are feathers, scarves, a Wartenberg wheel, and candles, to name a few. Just remember, some candles are made of wax that burns super hot, so always test it first or opt for candles specifically designed for wax play.
Also good here (though not necessary for the actual toolkit) is ice or something you put in the freezer for a few minutes and warm water or a heating pad for temperature play.
Hit me baby one more time
This is clearly optional as some folks aren’t interested in impact play or aren’t ready for it.
That said, a really soft, supple flogger is a thing of pure beauty. The thuddy impact is nearly impossible to actually be made painful, and when thrown with a little skill, it feels like a luxurious, hypnotic massage.
Who would say no to that?
But, floggers can be expensive (the ones you’d actually want to invest in, that is), so other impact tools could be a paddle, a riding crop, a whip, or…your hands.
Prot tip: kink activities tend come with some element of risk and the potential for harm (one of the reasons they’re sexy), so if you’re going to be hitting someone in any way, take some classes to ensure you understand anatomy and safe zones.
Strap-ons – even for cis dudes
No matter the genitals, I’m a fan of the strap-on. If you’re rocking a vulva, having a chance to penetrate someone with your cock can be a delicious, mind-fuckery experience – whether that’s your partner or someone you’re bringing in for some group play.
But what if you’ve got a penis?
Guess what? Sometimes penises get tired. Sometimes they want to take a nap. Sometimes they don’t feel like playing or only for a little while. Sometimes they’re super ready to play, but you want to give your partner a different sensation.
Enter: The Strap-on. Being a cis dude who also knows how to rock a strap-on is really fucking rad in my book. You’re literally adding endless options into the kinds of play available to you.
So yeah. A strap-on.
Creativity, courage, and curiosity
In the end, the truth is you can have all of the things in this toolbox and still have a boring, terrible sexual experience.
And, the opposite is also true. You can have none of the things listed above, but if you have some creativity, courage, and curiosity, you can stir up all kinds of delicious, pleasure-filled delights.
Sometimes toys are disappointing. Sometimes the fantasy in our head just doesn’t live up to the expectation. Sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes you don’t have condoms and so the thing you wanted to do is off the table for the night.
But if your number one sexual tool is staying curious and getting creative, amazing things (like laughter!) are always possible.
I hope that was helpful, Dildo Deprived. Let me know what you end up getting for yourself.
Well, readers – what are your thoughts? What would you put in your toolkit for newbies? Comment below and let us know.
Have your own question about sex, relationships, kink, or your body? Send it my way (there’s an anonymous option) and I may answer your inquiry on the podcast or in the weekly advice column, Wednesday Words.