Each week, I answer one of your burning questions on the blog. This week Might Get Caught asks:
Hi Dawn! I need your advice.
I’ve always had this fantasy of having sex in public – movie theaters, parks, etc. I hinted at the idea with my new boyfriend and he seemed open to it, so now I’m freaking out.
How do I do this? What should I be aware of? I know getting caught having sex in public can be really bad, and I don’t really want creepers standing around staring, so now I’m wondering if this is one of those fantasies that shouldn’t be a reality.
Any advice you have would be really helpful. Thanks and keep being tremendously awesome. Love, Might Get Caught
Might Get Caught,
First of all, I am so excited that you tiptoed into sharing this fantasy with your boyfriend. It’s always scary to put yourself out there and risk shame or rejection, so go you.
On to your actual question.
Public sex (which doesn’t necessarily mean intercourse) can be really hot.
The anticipation, the danger, the hurried touching and kissing, the need to be quiet – it can create a powerful, heady experience.
It is absolutely, 100% OK if you decide you don’t want to bang in a park after dark. There are plenty of ways for you and your boyfriend to role play the public aspects without ever leaving your house. Giving the fantasy a voice might be all you ever need to do.
But, if the thought gives you that special little thrill, then maybe it’s time to give it a try.
Dig into your fantasy and explore the motivation of your arousal just a little more.
Anytime you’re about to try something new, it’s important to understand exactly what about it is making your sensitive bits tingly.
When you can capture the essence of what gets you off, you’ll have more space to get creative with your boyfriend and set yourself up for super hot success.
Is it the possibility of getting caught?
Is it the naughtiness of doing something you aren’t supposed to?
Do strangers come into your fantasy and join in?
Are you being watched by others and loving their attention?
Is it something else entirely?
Roll around in all of your fantasies to see what the common thread or feeling is and then find ways to maximize that element.
The risks are worth considering, too.
The truth is I have mixed feelings about public sex, even though I’ve done it many times myself.
Why?
It’s one thing to go to a sex party or a dungeon and have sex in front of people who are consenting to seeing sexual exchanges. (And that might be something fun for you to explore, as well.)
It’s another to have sex on a balcony or on a beach or against a wall in a dark alley where people who are NOT consenting to seeing you might catch you.
Sometimes it’s hot to catch a glimpse of someone through a hotel window or to see a steamed car and know something delicious is probably unfolding inside.
But, just like most of us would feel violated by a flasher exposing themselves to us as we were walking down the street, it can also feel like a violation to walk around a corner and see two people fucking when that was the last thing you were expecting to see.
I was recently talking with a fellow sex educator about that very thing – that too many sex positive folks are under the impression that everyone wants to see sex all of the time. It’s just not true, and we all need to be more sensitive to that.
Consent matters.
On a more practical note, in many places, especially in the U.S., you can be arrested if you’re caught engaging in sex in a public place. Of course, for some folks that’s a big part of the appeal – the higher the stakes, the hotter they find it.
You get to decide the level of risk you’re willing to take on.
A car parked at the far end of a parking lot or a secluded nook late in the middle of the night at a hotel or a cluster of trees just off the hiking path or the last row in a movie theater of a movie that’s been out for 2 months are all yummy options where you could potentially get caught, but probably not as risky as fucking on a beach like that couple in Florida last year who ended up in jail.
Like anything, consider your options, be respectful of others, and then…jump in.
Start small and level up until you find your hot zone.
Public sex can be endlessly fun because the options are only limited by your imagination.
- Where can you slide fingers or a hand when you’re sitting beside each other or pressed together in a crowded elevator or subway?
- What might your toes do under that tablecloth at dinner or beneath the blanket at your parents house?
What are the options if you’re wearing an internal condom underneath your clothes just in case you find a perfect little spot for a quickie?
How long can you last wearing that vibrator under your panties while your partner manipulates the controls on their phone? Are you flushed from the walk or from the orgasm you’re on the verge of having standing in line at the grocery store?
How many empty parking lots can you defile late in the night?
Need more ideas?
If you aren’t sure where to start, try sitting down with your boyfriend and both of you brainstorming as many places and scenarios as possible in a 5-10 minute period. Then, compare your lists and compile a master list of all the things you both think are hot.
The list isn’t a promise or a guarantee. It’s a way to get you two talking and dreaming about the possibilities.
Expectations versus reality
One last thing – many of us have super hot fantasies we regularly refer to in our spank bank.
I’m speaking from experience when I say that sometimes the fantasy is better than reality. Sometimes the THOUGHT of having folks watching you get fucked ends up being sexier than ACTUALLY being watched in real life.
If that happens, your fantasy might change a little after you have new information about what does or doesn’t work for you.
Maybe you try a few acts of public sex and decide it’s hotter in your head.
Maybe you find that while you thought getting fucked in an elevator would be the hottest thing EVER, it was actually really uncomfortable and surprisingly, you much preferred getting fingered in the pool at your cousin’s house.
Let your fantasy change and grow with you. That’s the beauty of our sexual imagination. It’s endless and vast, and all we have to do is open ourselves to the possibilities.
Have fun and be safe!
What do you think, dear reader? Have you ever been caught having sex in public? Comment below with your favorite tips and techniques for exploring sex in public.
Have your own question about sex, relationships, kink, or your body? Send it my way (there’s an anonymous option) and I may answer your inquiry on the podcast or in the weekly advice column.