Real sex: One masochist’s journey into pain

I met Snapping Sita at The Crucible in Washington, DC a few weeks ago. She was the demo bottom for Frozen Meursault’s Caning 201 class, which means that as he taught the class about different techniques and ways to use a cane for impact play, he demonstrated the strikes and sensations on her body.

Snapping Sita impressed me with her bravery and beauty. She allowed us to witness something beautifully intimate, and I wanted to know more. That’s why I’m so excited to share this interview with you on Snapping Sita’s journey into masochism.

The more we learn about the different ways people embrace their version of kink, the more we can remove barriers and engage in compassionate dialog. This is such a gorgeous story.

For people who aren’t familiar with caning, can you describe just a little about what it is, and more importantly what it feels like to be on the receiving end of Frozen Meursault’s strikes?

Well, to be quite plain about it, caning is when you get hit with a fairly sturdy stick such as a rattan cane or bamboo or any style of pervertable one can think of. A car antennae, for instance.

I really enjoy being on the receiving end of a nice caning. I like the immediate intensity and headspace of it. Generally speaking, Mister Meursault doesn’t hold back, and I greatly enjoy the sting. Don’t get me wrong. It hurts. A lot. But it’s like a competition with myself. Not with him. I learned early on that I don’t compete against the Top. They can always hit harder and will always win.

Part of my own journey has been learning to let go of my assumptions around some of the terms we hear like sadist and masochist. I’d love to share your version of masochism with our readers. How did you discover this about yourself and what has your evolution been as you’ve grown into your kink?

My evolution started out purely submissive. I was looking for someone to take care of me and to show me the way. The thought of my being masochistic was just not on the table. Then, I met Mister Meursault and everything changed almost the instant I met him. Orgasms from pain? Crying and cumming? Never once did I imagine this happening to me. But I very much enjoy it now.

I always tell people that my masochism is weird. Only very recently have I been able to walk into a play space without feeling uncomfortable by the things that were happening to other people. I don’t actively seek out ways to torment myself. I tend to watch in horror at some of the things people will do to others, while trying to rationalize it all by telling myself the bottom is enjoying it. Just like I enjoy it when I’m sobbing. I’m not the kind of masochist that asks her sadist to try this new technique or tool. Nor am I one who get’s wet over watching other people play.

I get wet when it’s happening to me, not to others. Like I said, this is an evolving thing.

I have made almost a full circle, though. My submissive nature didn’t go away just because I found out I really liked pain. That has evolved, too. I’m extremely service oriented. I love making the Sir happy by doing dishes and being a Susie Homemaker, which is ironic as I’m quite the feminist. So, me voluntarily staying in the kitchen for hours is quite hilarious.

I really do love it, though. It’s always interesting to look back and go, “Wow, how the fuck did I end up here?” Certainly, I would change nothing about my journey.

Your Fetlife profile says you enjoy rough body play, impact play, breathe play, edge play, and being tied up with pretty rope. What is it about these things that you love?

I really enjoy the more intense forms of play because they are just that, intense. If I haven’t at least come close to tears, I don’t feel as good afterwards. I like getting my emotions pulled, or smacked, out of me. I like being scared and made to feel helpless. And I also really like turning into a pile of goo at his feet just because I know he likes it, and he brought me to that place.

I like the immediate headspace, not the slow progression to subspace. I want to be at that place where it’s him and I and the pain.

I also really enjoy how much trust and intimacy comes from the edgier stuff. Rough body, impact, knife play – these all require some level of close contact and flesh on flesh. With breath play, you’re giving up your air for someone. That’s trust. My first experience with breath play ended with my head in a plastic Ziploc bag. Real trust.

Same goes for rope and bondage of any kind. I prefer rope, because it’s so pretty and it feels great. If you watch any shibari1 scene, it’s intimate and beautiful. I love it.

When you first started exploring your masochism and your kinky side, what were some of your misconceptions or assumptions and how have they changed over time?

When I first started really talking about kink and BDSM in general, I was living in a fairy tale. Going off of books and romantically influenced genres. So, a lot of my thinking of kink in general has changed significantly.

I came at it from a very hetero-normative brain. I imagined I was going to meet this guy who falls love with me and wants to know my deepest darkest bits and mold me into this perfect submissive slut and blahdy blah. But I quickly realized that not every man is going to be this great Dom who will sweep me off my feet and save me from myself.

I also realized that each dynamic really is extremely unique. There’s no rule book to follow in submission or in masochism.

To me, a lot of this is about figuring out where your own head is at and going with it. It’s an ever-evolving thing. Some days I’m a crazy masochist and other days I just want to make dinner and snuggle. I was very attached to this notion that once you signed up for this one aspect of yourself, you were stuck and that’s how you were defined and that was that. It’s really not as ridged as that. I’m much happier with the idea that it is an ever-changing thing that allows for growth.

What would be your advice for people looking to get started in BDSM and kink?

When I first started, I wish someone had shaken me and told me that it’s really not super terrifying. That I didn’t have to fit in this one particular mold. You can still be you and have your kink, too. That just because someone is kinky doesn’t change the fact that they are still a person with hobbies and other defying qualities. Kink doesn’t necessarily define the person, just activities they enjoy doing.

Sometimes you have to leap. I was fortunate enough to meet my current partner through mutual friends. I didn’t have to weed through Fetlife emails or attend munches (kinky social gatherings) to know this was what I wanted.

Speaking of resources, Fetlife is an immense knowledge base. Google stuff, too. That’s what I used to do. There really is so much information out there. But at some point, you just have to jump. Why waste more time not being fulfilled in life? It really is the hardest part, taking the first step.

Also, trust your gut. Seriously. If you have even an inkling of a creeper, just don’t. It’s much better to be safe than sorry. Don’t be pressured into something you know you don’t want.

Mostly, have fun. If it’s not fun, it’s not worth the emotional baggage. I’ve met some of the greatest people since the start of this journey, and I wish someone had dragged me into it much sooner.

One of the things I advocate for is consent, safety, and open communication. Frozen Meursault teaches informed consent – that everyone has a full understanding of what might happen and the potential consequences. What did the conversations between you and Frozen Meursault look like as you started playing with some of these edgier things?

FM and I first met up at a coffee shop. I was introduced to him via a mutual friend, and we hit it off. My memory of our meeting is full of nerves and bats flying around in my tummy. Either way, we had made a date to try some of these kinky things I had been wanting to try. We had a two-and-a-half week long conversation about my boundaries, my not knowing my own boundaries, his boundaries, my fears, my insecurities, all of these things.

I mean, I knew what I was getting into: heavy impact. Have you seen his profile pictures? Many bruised asses. We spoke about markings and the fact that he loves the cane and potential long term marks. Everything was on the table. Nothing that happened in my first scene with him was shocking. Well, it was shocking, but I wasn’t terrified by the unknown. It was shocking in how much I liked it.

During that scene we kept the conversation going. “How was that? Are you okay? If you have to safe word, that’s okay.” Many, many implements were tried because I wanted to know what kind of impact I liked, if any at all.

We spoke about aftercare. That there would be aftercare. And communication continued after the scene and is always an ongoing thing.

Anytime you’re doing heavier types of play, there is a chance that someone could get injured or permanently marked. You were accidentally permanently marked during a caning/impact scene a while back. What does that mark mean to you?

It’s a sjambok2 mark. I feel like that is all I have to say. I’m so proud of that mark. It’s such a “Hell fucking yea! I took that! I took that and LIKED it!” and it makes me want to do some crazy air punches like Rocky or something.

It is more than just the pride of it. It was my first scene. The end of my first scene, but my first nonetheless. I’m glad I have something to show for it. It’s a great memory and a great experience with someone I really care about. I’ll treasure that forever.

Is there anything you want to try, but haven’t yet? What do you think the future holds for your kinky journey?

At this point, I just want to learn more things.

I love rope and would love even more to know how to do it. I believe that as a bottom you should have at least a general knowledge of how to do the things you love to be in.

I’m interested in service oriented skills, boot blacking for one, cigar play and service. I could see me getting into needle play at some point, but not just yet. I’m pretty good with where my kink is at so far.

Is there anything else you’d like to share about your journey, your kinks and fetishes, or being a demo bottom in these workshops?

I enjoy demoing. It’s been a weird rush. I’m always extremely nervous and fight with myself about backing out. But then, FM starts the workshop, and I relax and remember it’s about the fun. We’re having fun. I think it brings out the tiny exhibitionist in me in all honesty. That, and meeting all the beautiful people! *coughcoughDawncough*

[note title=”Curious to know more?”]Both Snapping Sita and Frozen Meursault can be found on Fetlife. Additionally, Frozen Meursault offers a variety of classes on BDSM and safety. For more information, visit or hit them up on Twitter at @MadameDeux and @FrozenMeursault.[/note]

What are your thoughts on masochism and the line between pleasure and pain? Do you have any experiences or fears that come up for you as you read her story? Comment below to start the conversation.

1 – Shibari, meaning “to tie”, is an ancient Japanese artistic form of rope bondage that has become quite common within the fetish/BDSM community.

2 – A sjambok is a leather or rubber whip originating from Africa, traditionally made of rhino hide.

  • Dawn
  • June 2, 2014