How to fail at approaching me for sex

It’s no secret that I’m on a few sex and kink sites. Shockingly, you can meet interesting, engaging partners on these sites. Of course, you have to weed through dozens (hundreds?) of total tools, but thankfully they make themselves known almost immediately.

Heterosexual and bisexual women are in short supply on most sex-oriented websites. As a result, meeting people to date or play with can be a fairly passive experience for most cis-women. All you have to do is post a few pictures showing that you’re female-bodied and the men come running.

Bees to honey. And my honeypot is delicious, if I do say so myself.

It only takes a few days to figure out how to weed out the jerks from the decent fellows, the lazy from the suave, and it amazes me that men haven’t upped their game by now. I suppose their miserable attempts at seduction must work on SOMEONE, but it certainly isn’t me.

So, in the spirit of helping the horny and adventurous to get laid online, here are surefire ways to get ignored, deleted, blocked, or to inspire a scathing reply to your message.

1. Tell me what to do, what I like, or what I’m destined for because I clearly hate thinking for myself. I do have a vagina, after all.

This is a message I recently received on Fet:

Hello, I will be in DC tonight and we can meet to share a drink and some conversation and possibly more. You are free to text me and we’ll share more pics and see if there’s a connection. 812-999-5555

I have no idea who you are, but thank god I’m “free to text” you. Instead of treating me like an intelligent, interesting human being, why don’t you just dictate all of your needs and desires, as well as what’s going to unfold. Whew. I’m so relieved that I don’t have to talk about my likes or needs or interests.

I also adore messages informing me I’m going to become someone’s slave girl, commanding me to send incredibly personal pictures before we’ve ever even said hi, or informing me you can “fix” me in some way.

2. Message me with nothing more than “hi”, “hello”, or “yo”, especially if the only pictures on your profile are of your cock. Major bonus points if you also haven’t filled out a single field on your profile other than the mandatory dropdowns.

My favorite message came from a guy on Adult Friend Finder. His profile picture was his cock, and his message was, “Hi. I’m Sampson.” Thank you for introducing your man-member because I really hate knowing anything about the man attached to the cock before I bang them.

3. If I respond with a kind, assertive rejection, please insult me, call me names, and otherwise demonstrate that you’re a completely unbalanced lunatic with the emotional maturity of a 3-year-old.

When a guy takes my rejection with some grace and gratitude, it is a total turn off. Instead, I love being called a frigid bitch, a fat cow, a tease who deserves to be alone, and any number of other delightful and arousing names. This is what I call a panty-dropper.

4. Lie about your marital status. Or leave it blank on your profile, which is the same thing as declaring to the world that you’re cheating on your spouse.

Have I slept with married men in the past? Yep. Are they good guys in tough situations? Absolutely. They were also forthcoming and open about it. Damn them. I much prefer talking to someone, seeing some potential for something to develop, and then finding out late in the game that we’ll have to sneak around so wifey-poo doesn’t find out about your chickenshit behavior.

5. Message me repeatedly. Like, over and over and over again. Just in case I didn’t get the first 20 messages.

Sure, I get a fair number of messages in my Inbox. So, I really appreciate getting dozens of messages from the same person, usually with something incredibly stimulating like “hey baby”.

But please don’t send them back-to-back because you don’t want to be creepy. Space them about a week apart, so that the barrage of attention is spread out over the course of many months. It’s one of my favorite things next to band-aids that get stuck to a scab and the smell of rancid milk.

6. Ask me for a threesome. Like, right away. Before we’ve ever met or kissed or had a chance to build a bond between the two of us.

Since my profile says nothing about threesomes or group sex, I really love the assumption that I’ll do a threesome with you and a random girl just because I have a history of dating women. Yep… it has nothing to do with trust or intimacy.


Now that you know how to fail spectacularly, let’s review a few simple techniques for grabbing my attention and holding it.

  1. Read my profile completely before you message me.
  2. When you message me, don’t expect anything from me.
  3. Offer a comment about something specific on my profile as a way to demonstrate why you are interested. A compliment is nice, but don’t do something generic that you might say to any person on the website.
  4. Share a little about yourself. Comment on your experiences. Ask about mine.
  5. Humor is a MAJOR plus. If you make me smile or laugh, I’ll forgive a lot of other things.
  6. Use punctuation, capitalization, and basic grammar. You know, because you actually want to impress me just a wee bit.
  7. Have pictures of something other than your cock. If your cock is in the mix, make it the 4th or 5th picture. Pictures of your mom’s cat are sweet. Pictures of your biceps or your favorite vacation spot or even a half-nude all work. Trust me when I say the least interesting thing about you is your cock until I’ve decided I like you.
  8. Treat me like an equal, even if you’re a Dominant looking for a submissive to play with.
  9. Accept my rejection with grace. I’ve actually reconsidered guys before after super sweet notes following a rejection. Offer to be friends. Wish me luck. Behave like an adult (gasp shock horror).
  10. Don’t ask me out in your first message. Or the second message. There are a LOT of creepers and predators on these sites, so unless my profile specifically says I like random no-strings-attached fucks, I’ll need some time to vet you. But if you’re patient and treat me with respect, I’ll make it up to you IF we end up getting naked. Rawr.
  11. See. Not so difficult. This is how you win at getting me in bed, or at least how you lay the foundation to get in the door.

    • Dawn
    • March 31, 2014