Sex Gets Real Episode 90

Happy New Year! It’s 2016!

Well, Dylan is sick now, but we’re still recording because we missed you.

Listeners write in about getting caught by their parents giving a blow job and getting picked up by lesbians at a conference. Dawn gets a new remote controlled vibrator and has some fun with it.

More on James Deen and Stoya. Plus, Cooper Beckett is offering a special on his new book, A Life Less Monogamous.

And finally, we have a really intense discussion about a listener who witnessed a friend get raped at a play party. What was his responsibility in all of it? What can he do to move on? It’s such a tough topic, Dawn reached out to some sex educator friends for their thoughts, as well.

Next week Dawn has a HUGE announcement, so stay tuned for that.

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Episode breakdown

  • 0:42 – Dylan is sick. *sad trombone*
  • 1:41 – Cooper Beckett has a new book coming out called “A Life Less Monogamous”. If you want to pre-order a copy for 25% off, just visit
  • 3:04 – Dawn has a new toy and brought it in for Dylan to see. Want to check it out? It’s a Lush vibe and you can see details here.
  • 3:47 – Dylan is impressed with the power of it, but she isn’t much a vibrator person.
  • 4:18 – Long distance sex is totally different now thanks to this toy. Dawn’s partner can fully control the vibe from his phone.
  • 5:32 – Are app-control devices the future of sex toys?
  • 9:48 – OhMiBod also makes app-controlled vibes that are worth checking out.
  • 10:47 – We got a text from a listener that they love us talking about enjoying anal sex.
  • 11:15 – Dawn is in some entrepreneur groups, and someone heard the podcast and made a comment about Dawn’s butt.
  • 12:04 – A listener wrote in about getting grounded for getting caught giving a BJ back in high school.
  • 12:27 – Dylan screaming, “OH SHIT!” makes us laugh.
  • 13:26 – Any excuse to throw in a Ferris Bueller’s Day Off reference.
  • 15:20 – Sex positive parenting would probably be more a discussion about safer sex than grounding someone.
  • 16:33 – If you’re raised in a household that always talks about sex and bodies, getting caught wouldn’t be as embarrassing.
  • 17:07 – Yikes.
  • 17:18 – Sexism is pretty easy to spot in the rules we put on boys versus girls when it comes to teenage sex. The double standard is alive and well.
  • 18:12 – Maggie wrote to us about a lesbian sex centipede.
  • 19:41 – Strap-ons are fun!
  • 20:15 – There is something amazing about stroking your strap-on cock when you put it on.
  • 20:52 – Dylan wants to know why that doesn’t happen to her…
  • 21:08 – Ally wrote in about James Deen and the assault charges being disappointing.
  • 21:47 – Check out this article on James Deen is the Bill Cosby of porn.
  • 23:13 – Stoya has written a little more about coming out about James Deen. Read it on her blog here.
  • 24:29 – There are lots of porn performers doing hot, amazing work. Support feminist porn makers who make ethical choices around consent.
  • 25:27 – In ethical feminist porn, the performers get to be part of the creative team.
  • 26:45 – Let’s use the James Deen fiasco to forward the conversation around consent instead of vilifying him and ignoring the bigger issues.
  • 27:36 – Dawn made a mess in the bed during sex. Poor teddy bear.
  • 28:36 – Shit is about to get really serious.
  • 29:24 – Dawn enlisted some help from fellow sex educators.
  • 29:51 – Our listener wrote in about being a bystander to a rape and wants help because he lost his friend over it and doesn’t know how to deal with the loss and the big feelings.
  • 34:22 – DeAnn Cope, a sex educator, offered a few thoughts on this listener email including she understands the friend’s avoidance of Mike (our listener), the friend isn’t obligated to re-live the trauma, and he needs to take responsibility for his privilege and examine it. Most men never find themselves in situations like the one the woman friend found herself in.
  • 36:02 – Our listener wasn’t the perpetrator of the rape, but he also isn’t the victim.
  • 37:00 – Someone else suggested confronting the rapist or talking to the club if you know the person or the venue.
  • 37:47 – It’s too common that everyone in a BDSM community or swinger community knows the person who is consistently violating consent or pushing boundaries and they avoid the person, instead of confronting the issue and resolving it for the health of the community.
  • 38:36 – Tobi Hill-Meyer, a porn performer and sex activist, offered a few thoughts: Sometimes you don’t get closure and sometimes you aren’t entitled to it. It’s not Mike’s fault, but after the rape he has been potentially making things worse. The victim gets to decide what she needs to take care of herself, including cutting off ties with triggers and reminders. What is he expecting even if they do talk?
  • 41:03 – It is a twisted situation with a lot of complicated and contradictory feelings and experiences.
  • 41:54 – Tobi said it’s up to Mike to heal himself rather than waiting for his friend to help him do it.
  • 44:00 – We all need to do better around seeking enthusiastic consent when it comes to sex, especially in new situations where many factors and potential dangers are at play.
  • 45:12 – It’s hard to know what you don’t know, but that’s part of the reason we need better conversations around sex.
  • 46:17 – Dylan hates not having closure. What the fuck?
  • 47:17 – Sexual assault/rape survivors get to do whatever they need to take care of themselves.
  • 47:44 – Because as a culture, we don’t talk to kids about consent and sex, we end up having horrible conversations and hurting people by making assumptions.
  • 53:03 – It’s hard not to go on the defensive when something bad happens. Centering the survivor is all you can do.
  • 53:51 – Support groups and finding community around trauma can be really validating and healing.
  • 55:20 – Sexual trauma, and thinking you have a right to sex or that you don’t have to negotiate sex, impacts so many people beyond the immediate victim. It’s a real problem.

And be sure to pin, share, and Instagram this bad boy

It's 2016! On this week's episode of Sex Gets Real, Dawn and Dylan check out Dawn's new vibrator, listeners write in with juicy confessions, and a listener asks for help after witnessing a friend getting raped at a play party.

  • Dawn
  • January 3, 2016