Sex Gets Real 286: Exploring bisexuality, life after rape, Hashimoto’s & dating

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tl;dr Can someone explore their bisexuality while being in a monogamous relationship? Do things get better after you’ve been raped? How can you balance body positivity with Hashimoto’s and how can you tell a potential date about your health issues?

On with this week’s episode.

TJ has been diagnosed with Hashimoto’s which is an auto immune disorder. After a lifetime of trying to be accepting of their body, now their body is changing. How can they balance a restricted diet without giving into diet culture?

And, if you’re just starting to date again, how do you tell someone about your health issues? When is the right time to tell them about a disease or a disorder?

MJ is exploring her bisexuality, but there’s a problem. She’s in a monogamous relationship. Her partner is open to them trying a threesome, but MJ wants to try sex with a woman on her own just to see what’s it like. Can she do that?

This also opens the door for us to talk about the ways we treat people when we want to experiment with our sexuality or try a threesome – often we treat folks like objects to use for our pleasure. How can we do better? What kind of complexity do we need to grapple with if we’re seriously considering trying something like this?

Finally, N wrote in. She was raped and then betrayed by someone she cared deeply about. After a suicide attempt, N is in counselling and struggling. Does life get better? Do the nightmares and the fear and the PTSD get better? Is there hope for intimacy and being able to be touched?

Let’s talk about the realities of living in a body after trauma and what healing can look like inside of these very broken systems we’re in.

Also, huge thanks to Hemlock for their awesome song “Firelight” which was used in this episode between questions. I’m digging it!

Follow Dawn on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics, and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing, and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So, welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.

Hey you! I guess it must be time for another episode. This week we have some great emails from all of you. Speaking of you, I would love to hear from you! I know you’re thinking, “She’s not talking to me.” But I am! I’m talking to you. If you have a question, a place that feels stuck or confusing, a curiosity where you might love some resources, write to me. You can use the contact form at dawnserra.com to send me a note, either with your name or anonymously. I read every single email. Even though I can’t reply to them all, they all mean so much and they go into the queue. So, at some point, you might hear you’re question on an episode of Sex Gets Real. Well, I appreciate almost all of them. The unsolicited dick pics, no. 

Dawn Serra: But other than that, I also just want to say, Patreons, this week the bonus content is really some fun questions and journal prompts, all about food and pleasure – because you’re going to hear a question about that. If you want to grab that, head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast. Don’t forget, if you support the show at $3 a month and above, you get exclusive content each week. There’s a huge back catalogue now. Every single dollar means so much to me because getting advertisers for a show that’s willing to talk about so many of the things that I talk about is really challenging, so your help means a lot and helps me keep the show keep going. Check out the details at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. This week, we are going to be talking about food and dating, bisexual experimentation and healing after rape.

I’m also really excited because this airs while I am on vacation. Painfully overdue and I’m so desperately in need of this vacation. We rented a little house way up the coast on Vancouver Island, in a tiny little village. We’re taking the cats and we’re going to be spending these three weeks cuddling and doing puzzles, walking on the beach in this gray, chilly weather, eating really good food and slowing way the fuck down. It makes me think of this quote by Tutu Mora: “Feeling the need to be busy all the time is a trauma response and a fear-based distraction from what you’d be forced to acknowledge and feel if you slowed down.” A big yes to slowing down and feeling all the things and thinking and creating and being with my body at a speed that it likes. 

Dawn Serra: I also think too, it’s worth naming that something the quote misses is that it’s not all just about the individual. I mean, we live in a world that actually punishes us if we slow down, if we opt out and if we don’t constantly push for more, more, more, more. So it’s not just us that are always doing the numbing out. It’s also that we live in a frenzied world that wants to turn us into more and more and more productive machines. I say, “Fuck that!” 

As much as I love this work and I love doing what I do every single day, I need to rest. So, while you’re listening to this episode, I will probably have my fuzzy sloths slippers on, sipping hot chocolate and dreaming huge things for 2020 and journaling and all those good things. Okay. Let’s dive into your emails.

Dawn Serra: TJ wrote in asking for “Hashimoto’s Help!” Their email says, “Hello Dawn! Firstly, I’m so grateful for your podcast! It’s my absolute favourite and has been for several years now. Thank you so much for the amazing work you do with the podcast, the Explore More Community and so much more. We are so fortunate to have you. A heartfelt thank you to you. Here’s my question. Well, it’s two fold. Maybe three, we’ll see.

I’m a 44 year old, bisexual, cis woman. I was recently diagnosed with Hashimoto’s disease, an autoimmune condition where the immune system attacks the thyroid. I suspect that I’ve been dealing with this condition most of my life. Some of the symptoms are weight gain, slowed bodily functions, depression, deep fatigue, brain fog, cold intolerance etc. Aside from medicating to replace hormones from the damaged thyroid, diet and lifestyle – to heal the gut – are the keys to living a somewhat normal life. At the advice of my functional medicine practitioner, I started on the paleo diet 4 months ago and have had great results! My antibodies have decreased by 30%! I’ve lost weight and, while this wasn’t my goal, it does feel nice to be in a lighter body.

Dawn Serra: Here’s where I ask you for your support and guidance. I’ve worked so hard my entire life to accept myself as someone in a fat body and to recover from the awful upbringing of fat shaming and forced restrictions at the hand of a neglectful and abusive mother. Now, my vitality depends on restricting foods. I understand that it’s all for the best and it’s helping me heal yet, I sometimes have a very challenging time accepting this, after all the work I’ve done. Plus, I’m in a smaller body now and this gets all sorts of different attention in the world. This is strange to navigate!

In addition, after some time focusing on my health, I’ve decided to start dating again. How soon in the dating process would you recommend I tell people I have this condition? At times, my energy dips and I have a spell of massive fatigue where I can’t leave the house, let alone go out for a coffee date. Plus, all my dietary restrictions makes eating in restaurants very tricky. I’m afraid of seeming needy or attached to my diagnosis for attention or something. Any tips you might have are greatly appreciated! Thank you again from the bottom of my heart. TJ”

Dawn Serra: Hi TJ! Thank you so much for writing in and for the incredibly kind, generous words. It means so much to me knowing you’re out there. You’ve been with me through so many things. Oh, your email. Bodies and food. That’s complicated terrain! I think the mindfuck of it all is that so often, I hear from people – and this is true for myself, too – just as we’re finding peace with our body as it is, that’s precisely when things change. Then we have to start all over getting to know ourselves and this body of ours that’s always changing. And that can mean grief and confronting our inner fatphobia and our internalized ableism and so much other stuff, just when it means to be in the world.

The bottom line is that it’s important for us to do whatever it is that makes us feel most alive, most supported and most at ease. From eating lots of fruit to eating lots of nuts to having dessert every day, fat liberation is about each of us getting to decide what’s best for our body and to feel supported around that. A lot of people like to trot out all kinds of facts about medical studies and food in response to questions like this. There is actually a lot of really interesting information about the misinformation that’s going on around Hashimoto’s. But what’s more important than that, regardless of what the current data says, our bodies are all unique and no one in the world knows your body like you do. No one lives in your body. No one knows what it feels like after you eat a meal. As much as diet culture and the fitness industry want us to buy into this really over-simplistic equation like calories in, calories out, the truth is so much more complicated. I mean, food is culture. Food is history. Food is lineage. Food is comfort. It’s religion. It’s family and meaning and memories.

Dawn Serra: Beyond that, these digestive systems of ours are heavily impacted by stress, anxiety, depression, never having a chance to rest, overwhelm and all these feelings that we’re always having. Those impacts our digestive systems. Trauma impacts our system too in a wide variety of ways. What might work for a whole bunch of people might not work for you because maybe based on your levels of stress and the region you’re in and the nutrients that are in the food that you’re getting and your experience of trauma and so many other things, your body responds differently.

In the end, you deserve to eat what makes you feel good. If right now that means cutting back on dairy and legumes and grains, then right now, that means cutting back on dairy, legumes and grains. Down the road, your body might change. You might find that the lack of grains starts to impact you in other ways. Because side note, despite the fact that carbs are literally the devil right now in so many circles, carbs are actually really important for a lot of our internal systems like our brains. But things like diseases and imbalances can alter things. If your body changes, then you get to experiment and change your diet again.

Dawn Serra: I think the thing that’s complicated and that’s so important is that each of us continue doing the work of feeling as playful and joyous as we can about our food while also always working to unpack our fatphobia and our ableism, which are so heavily fueled by diet culture. I mean, there are countless reasons why we might need to cut back on certain foods – from food allergies like an allergy to shellfish or to nuts, to wanting to eat only local, indigenous foods because the impact of eating imported foods from around the world is significant when it comes to climate change, to only wanting to eat organic foods or only wanting to eat foods from farms that actually treat their employees like human beings with benefits and who protect them from anti-immigration laws, to simply managing pain and inflammation. All of these things can inform the types of foods that we have access to or that our body can process.

And there’s this temptation, especially inside of wellness culture right now, that encourages us to villainize certain foods. To see certain foods as bad or as contributing to health problems. That we should feel some type of moral superiority for “prioritizing our health.” Whatever that means. Because health is so, so, so, so, so many things. I think our job, if we really want to contribute to dismantling diet culture and fatphobia, is to instead give ourselves unconditional permission to want the things we want and to find pleasure in what it is that we’re choosing, if we can. Like if you’re eating paleo, cookies are probably pretty low on the list. You’re allowed to want cookies. You aren’t bad for eating them, even if they cause a flare up. You aren’t doing it wrong. You’re not a failure. You’re not hurting yourself or neglecting your health. You made a choice about those cookies because you know yourself best. You can make a different choice the next time. You’re also allowed to want those cookies and to take a moment to feel into that wanting, to think about what you’re doing later that day or the following day and to consider whether that’s a choice that feels pleasurable and good for you. You might decide that based on how you felt in the past after eating cookies, that cookies led to a days-long brain fog. Maybe tomorrow you have a really exciting event where you really want to be clear and present. So you can validate that you want those cookies and you’re allowed to want the cookies. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the cookies and “I might eat something else, so that I can feel good tomorrow.” And those things can both be true.

Dawn Serra: Which isn’t to say it’s not tricky. You’re not alone in trying to unpack all of these. It’s a mess. I think one of the most challenging parts of developing body trust is realizing that there are no simple answers. There aren’t any plans that work all of the time. No one outside of ourselves has the answers to our body or the perfect meal plan because we’re constantly being impacted by the world around us, the conversations we have that day… So many things. We need to be finding ways to actually listen, to stay really curious and to develop a sense of trust in our cravings, in our wantings. They are important. They mean something.

For you, TJ, your body is changing. It’s going to continue to change for as long as you have it. Some of those changes might make moving through this fatphobic, ableist world easier and some of those changes might make it more challenging. I think one thing all people can do who are in smaller bodies – whether you’re in a straight sized body or you’re in a  body that’s maybe small fat – is to always be advocating for larger bodies. Speaking to other people about furniture and access, fat liberation and diet culture. Because the temptation when we experience more privilege is to move away from having those tough conversations. That we really don’t have the choice to leave behind when we’re experiencing oppression. Like I can’t choose to not have those conversations when I’m in spaces because sometimes spaces literally aren’t built for my body. It’s really nice when the people around me who are in smaller bodies, who can easily fit in the space, notice and advocate for me and other people in bigger bodies. That can be a way that you, TJ, continue to connect with body acceptance. 

Dawn Serra: It also helps to communicate to your body that if it does get larger again at some point, you never stopped advocating for larger bodies because you see value in them. Your body is always listening. So if even as your body becomes smaller, you’re still doing the work of advocating for larger bodies. That’s going to create more trust because your body knows that if it has to change again at some point, for whatever reason, you’re still going to be there with it, advocating for it.

Your closing question is about dating. I really appreciate the question. The truth is you don’t owe anyone information about your Hashimoto’s unless you want to share it. I mean, I think one thing that’s just so common these days is there’s so many people who are on the gluten-free diet, gluten-free bandwagon or people who are vegan or vegetarian or who have food allergies. It’s really common for folks to have all sorts of limitations and needs around food. If you’d like to disclose at some point, I think you can trust yourself and just feel into each relationship and whether each person feels deserving of that information. If you get a sense that this person you’ve been chatting with and maybe want to meet up with or have had a date or two with is really open and really kind, maybe you’ll share. And if you get a feeling this person couldn’t really hold space for that, but maybe there’s something else you’re enjoying about it, maybe you don’t share right away. I will say that if you do share and the person does not respond with generosity and acceptance, that’s some really great information about whether they deserve more access to you or not.

Dawn Serra: Another just practical thing is when you’re scheduling a date, come prepared. Know which restaurants serve food you feel good about eating. If that list is short, also have a list of other kinds of activities and venues you that might enjoy for getting to know someone – bars, concerts, mini golf, bowling, walking in a park, taking a pottery class, doing a touristy tour of your area, going to a book reading. Dates don’t have to revolve around food, if that’s easier for you in the beginning.

Unlike anything, sharing requires vulnerability. The more that we practice it, the more that we become skilled at it. Just like disclosing an STI, being able to be really frank, self-assured, unapologetic and clear – like, “This isn’t a big deal. It’s just true. Here’s me.” – that gives other people more confidence when we’re sharing about ourselves. If you seem ashamed and that something’s wrong, that often triggers a shame response in others because they don’t really know what something means or what you’re expecting of them. Then the knee-jerk reaction in those situations is to just reject – “I can’t feel this shame.”  But if you find ways to practice and build up that muscle, I think over time you’re going to find it’s not a big deal at all to say something like, “I would love to go out to dinner with you. I have this auto-immune disease that makes certain foods tough for me, so maybe we can find a restaurant that has something I can eat that’s also really yummy for you? I really love XYZ Cafe. Have you been there?” Someone who is caring and respectful is going to follow your lead and be more excited about getting to know you than caring about the why, of why you can only eat at certain restaurants.

Dawn Serra: I know you mentioned you need to cancel last minute sometimes because of low energy, again, I think trusting yourself if you had good feelings about a person, maybe you’ll want to share a little bit about why you’re canceling. You can always follow it up with, “I’d love to reschedule and here’s when we might be able to do that.” That’s a generous offering and that’s the best that you can do in those situations. They’ll either accept that and roll with it or they won’t and then you’ve got more information about whether or not this person is a good fit for your life. 

My genuine hope is that the people you date are going to be warm and understanding, really curious to know more about what’s going on for you and how they can support you and as a baseline that they treat you with respect. If you need to change plans or change venues that they roll with it. Because whether it’s Hashimoto’s or HIV or chronic pain or something else, we all – every single human on the planet – have access needs. We all need accommodations to make life a little easier, to make it less painful. It’s just that lots of us move through the world so privileged that we don’t know we have access needs because they’re almost always being met. But we all have them. And this is you having an opportunity to say, “Here’s what I need.”

Dawn Serra: I hope that you find that helpful and that offers you a little bit of permission, TJ. I really hope your dating is super fun and interesting and that you meet some really cool people. You’re allowed to advocate for yourself. It’s in no way a burden or an issue to say, “This is what I need. Can you meet me here?” So thank you so much for asking and I’m sending the warmest wishes. I hope this helps.

Apparently, it’s a day of initials because all three of the emails we’re going to do in this episode just feature people’s initials. This next email is from MJ. MJ wrote in about exploring their bisexuality. Here’s what they said: “Hi, Dawn. Thank you so much for the work you do and creating this podcast. I’ve learned so much about myself just by listening to your episodes! My question is about exploring my bisexuality. I’m a 23 year old woman who recently came out as bisexual to some close friends and a few family members. I’ve known since I was about 12 that I was sexually attracted to a variety of gender expressions. But it wasn’t until the last year that I began to explore this. I’ve been in a long term relationship with a man who is completely supportive of my identity. We have talked about having threesomes that include another woman and we’re both on board. However, I think that I want to be intimate with a woman by myself. Not that I want to open the relationship permanently or even become romantically involved with another woman. I just want to try it once by myself and see what it’s like to be with another woman. Do you have any suggestions on how I might approach this with him? Is this an okay thing to want in a committed monogamous relationship?”

Dawn Serra: Hey, MJ! Thank you for writing in with a question that I know lots of people have. It sounds like your partner has been so supportive up until now. To me, that indicates a really strong foundation for you being able to share your desire. The beauty of being an adult in a relationship is that we get to do whatever we want, regardless of the labels used, as long as everyone is consenting, involved in the process, boundaries are respected, we’re being really generous. Being in a committed, monogamous relationship doesn’t mean you two can’t negotiate other experiences. You two get to decide what works for you both. Labels be damned!

Sharing this with your partner might bring up feelings for him. One of the things I do recommend is allowing lots of time just in case he has questions or big feelings come up and he wants some time to process and to feel into what that means for the two of you. Not having the conversation immediately before you want to take action is a generous thing. Then it’s a matter of deciding what works for the two of you and this relationship that you’re co-creating together. You might share your desire of wanting to sleep with a woman by yourself and it may really upset him and hurt. You might take that information and decide that while your desire is okay and valid, now maybe isn’t the right time to explore that. Or, maybe you share and he is really on board, and then admits he’s been wanting to try something with a guy and never admitted it. Well, the two of you can geek about what that might look like.

Dawn Serra: I think the two biggest mistakes people tend to make around something like this is, one, to try and rush things because they’re so excited. There’s some skill in being able to acknowledge there’s something that we really want or we really desire and realizing that our lives and the people who are in them might mean, “I can’t just go make time for this thing right now without imploding my life or without hurting someone.” Finding ways to allow the desire and the want to be true while also acknowledging the reality of your life is really important. The second thing is a lot of people don’t take the time to really explore how you want to handle things if they go sideways. This is a big one. We like to go into these things imagining the ideal. But we’re humans and we’re messy and we have feelings and things happen that maybe we didn’t plan for.

Being able to really communicate around that ahead of time is so important.What if you have sex with a woman, and then realize you really, really like her and want more? What if you have sex with a woman and it’s awful and traumatizing? How will you two reconnect if things go wrong or if they become really challenging? Where can you turn for support? Being able to share and sit with uncomfortable feelings, giving yourselves time, can mean more spaciousness and clarity down the road. 

Dawn Serra: You need to decide how important this is to you, too. Is it a deal breaker if he can’t meet you there? Is this a nice to have? A curiosity you have but not something that feels particularly urgent because you really value this relationship and how it is now? Is this something you could pursue later after the two of you have a threesome as a primer? There aren’t any rules or limitations on how the two of you can structure this. It just really comes down to respecting each other, co-creating and deciding what’s best for the both of you.

The only other thing I want to mention here is that if you do decide to either try a threesome or if you both decide that you experimenting with a woman is okay for your relationship and you’re ready for that, please remember, this person that you’re either seeking to try having sex with a woman for the first time or have a threesome with is a human being with feelings. Not a toy meant to make your relationship steamier, not a one-time-use science experiment – a whole person with needs, wants, feelings, traumas, hopes, dreams. And they deserve to be treated as a whole person. They might want to see you again. They might need follow-up care for days or weeks after sex. They might fall for your partner and want a relationship with him and not you. They may need several dates before they feel ready to consider something sexual, in the meantime, you develop feelings. How can you and your partner make space for the complexity of that? Far too many people want to try threesomes as a way to spice things up, and then treat the person that they bring in as a third as this disposable thing that’s only useful and shiny up until the couple’s needs get met. Then this person is left in the dust while the couple feels all rejuvenated and proud of themselves for being so edgy.

Dawn Serra: If you want to try sex with a woman, really think about the impact that could have on her life. You need to be very upfront with any potential dates that you’re in a committed monogamous relationship and that you probably can’t give them much of anything. They need to really be up for opting into this situation. Even then, even if you say, “I’m monogamously committed. I don’t want to open my relationship up. I’m just looking to try a sexual experience with a woman,” and this person says, “Yes. I am up for that. I am totally good being your experiment. Let’s have some fun, awkward, first time sex cause I really like that kind of thing,” even then, something might come up. They may still have needs and desires that they didn’t realize until after it all happens. So make sure that you and your partner are prepared to take on that responsibility before you mess with anyone else’s life.

It’s really easy to prioritize the two of you at the expense of this other human being. That’s a terrible, terrible way to treat someone. It makes me think of something Kai Cheng said in last week’s episode that instead of being focused on yourself or how not to be bad, ask yourself how you can really honor this other human and do good for them. That may mean not pursuing your desire right now, if you both can’t find ways to allow for a messy human experience from another human and to bring that into your dynamic. So it’s totally okay for you to want this thing. There’s nothing that says you can’t be in a committed monogamous relationship and also, get creative about how the two of you want to be. You can play with others, you can try sex with someone else and still really feel this is a committed monogamous relationship. That’s what it means to be a grown-up. And really think through the responsibility you have to the other human being that you’re interacting with and what it would mean to really truly respect this person and what you can and can’t offer and how you can do that responsibly before you move forward. 

Dawn Serra: I hope that helps. Thank you so much for listening to the show and for writing in. It sounds like you’ve got some really exciting things that you’re thinking about. I really appreciate you sharing them with us. Good luck!

Continuing with the initials theme, N wrote in with a subject line, “Impact of what happened to me and a little bit of my story.” Just a warning to people listening, N mentions rape and suicide, please tend to yourself around this question. If that means skipping ahead or skipping in entirely, that’s okay. N’s email says: “Hi, Dawn!  Thank you for posting what you did on Pinterest. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I was raped by the man I almost married. The female pastor that I looked up to like a mother I never had victim blamed me and excused his behaviour. Church is no longer a safe place for me and triggers my PTSD really badly. She has a wonderful reputation in my community and so many people still hold her in high regard. I wish I could expose them both before the world to show everyone who they truly are.

Dawn Serra: I drink sometimes to forget about it. My life is still hell because even though on the outside it looks like things are okay, I’m barely holding it all together. I tried to commit suicide about a year ago because the PTSD got so bad. Someone stopped me and contacted the police. The police escorted me to the hospital and I was there for 21 days. 

I’m currently now in counselling. I struggle with feeling numb all the time. Intimacy still terrifies me. It makes me sad that it still terrifies me and I’m unable to reciprocate affection towards the guy I like. I feel confused in my sexuality, I think because of the rape. I feel unsafe most of the time, especially with men. The feeling of being unsafe most places I go is difficult. The nightmares have gotten less, but still show up occasionally. Showering my whole body is still difficult and two thirds of the time I can’t do it.

How do I learn to enjoy intimacy again and work past the trauma so it no longer impacts me negatively? When does the PTSD stop and heal completely? Or, will I be stuck with this for the rest of my life like my diagnosis? Thank you for listening without judgement. N”

Dawn Serra: N, I am so, so sorry that these two traumas happened to you. The rape is terrible, but to then be blamed by the person you thought of as a mother is fucking terrible. I am so sorry. Neither of those things are okay. You did not deserve that. I’m grateful that you trusted me with this because none of us should have to carry a burden like this alone. I will say I’m not sure what post on Pinterest you are referring because I haven’t actively posted on Pinterest in three or four years. But I’m guessing it’s one of the posts about trauma and healing that linked back to my blog because that’s what I was doing a couple of years ago. I’m glad that it resonated and that it made you feel like you could reach out.

I honestly think one of the hardest things about sexual violence is how deeply it can rearrange our world, how far reaching that trauma can be and how normal it is, of course, that we so desperately want for things to go back to how they were before the violence, before the trauma. So much of the healing work that’s needed after something like this is grieving that there is no going back. There is no undo button or a point we reach when it didn’t happen. I wish more people who take advantage of others, who coerce others, who manipulate others, who take from others understood more deeply how much this can impact us. Like a car accident, a significant illness, the death of a loved one, trauma changes us. Our body now has a story it didn’t have before and our body cannot unknow that story. 

Dawn Serra: But we can work with our body to integrate, to mourn, to find new ways of being in this new body, to slowly work on healing knowing that healing really is a journey and not a destination and to begin to feel into safety and then pleasure again. It took me years before I started feeling less tense around men, especially in large groups or strangers. I still go on high alert in certain situations, but I’m better skilled at being able to be with myself around that and to really examine the circumstances, to allow that to be true and to also just gently ask, “Am I constricting because of something happening in the here and now or am I living out an older story?”

I’m so happy to hear that you’re in counselling. My deepest hope is that the counsellor you’re seeing is trauma-informed. After something like this happens, there’s the immediate, acute trauma to deal with when everything feels really fresh and terrible and triggering. Then as that eases, there’s the longer arc of living in a body that now carries these new stories and they require different things. It makes total sense that showering is so difficult. This body can feel totally foreign. Like a place that used to be safe, but now isn’t. It’s okay if right now, it’s just too much to do. A third of the time you can and with time, that’s probably going to increase to maybe half the time. Then you’ll find 75% of the time, and then almost all of the time. 

Dawn Serra: It’s okay if that feels far away right now. Your job right now is to do what you can, to try and forgive yourself for the rest. It’s new. It’s foreign. The world looks and feels different. Of course, it takes time to get used to. We don’t want that. With time, you might find working with a somatic experiencing therapist might feel important as a way to start working with the trauma that stored in your body. But again, that might not be right now. Right now is about survival and finding small ways of moving through the day. You might really need to make things feel really, really secure for awhile. And that makes sense. It’s okay. Maybe that means avoiding strangers, spending time with people you really trust or with animals you love – animals were a really big source of comfort for me. My cats, going to a farm and getting to pet horses and sheep. Maybe avoiding new places and crowded places and loud noises. Whatever it is that helps you to feel more safe, that’s the priority. Again, over time, with support, you may start to find that you feel a little more secure and can tolerate some new people or new places, some certain kinds of touch. That will continue to change with time.

Sonalee Rashatwar once described trauma – especially trauma from personal violence like rape – as a constellation in the sky. For a while, that constellation seems like the only thing in the sky – big and bright and dominating everything we see and experience. Yet, over time, with support, that constellation begins to grow smaller. We’re able to see other constellations in the sky. Down the road, that constellation will always be there, but you will have mapped all sorts of other constellations in your sky. And you’ll find it easier to focus on other experiences and perspectives. It’s not that we pretend it’s not there, but we’re simply able to make space for other things, to move in new directions.

Dawn Serra: To be honest, I’m not sure that it’s possible for any of us to heal completely when we’re inside of patriarchy and misogyny, white supremacy, ableism, capitalism. We literally live inside of violence every single day. I don’t want to be fully healed inside of violence because it means that I’d become part of violence. But I do think healing – the journey, the process – is possible.

I also think we’re incredibly resilient. I mean, our bodies were literally made to process trauma. Mammals are great at it and we are mammals. It’s just that lots of things interrupt that process in our daily lives, so it can take us a while to find our way into that place of giving our bodies a chance to synthesize the trauma to make sense of it. In my experience, which is not universal, the things that used to feel unbearable and terrifying now, at the worst of times, feel a little scary or uncomfortable, but I can tolerate that. The touches that used to make me cringe now, most of the time, feel welcome and pleasurable when they’re from people I trust. I’m also much more discerning. I’m much more fierce about boundaries. I’m much more likely to speak to the bullshit than I was before. While I don’t think we ever need to claim trauma as something to be thankful for, I do think that doing healing work can offer us new skills and new fierceness that wasn’t there before because we have a new story to work with. 

Dawn Serra: Some of the best things we can do for ourselves when we’ve experienced sexual violence include connecting with other survivors and joining support groups. For me, that was huge. Getting into advocacy work (you can hear more about that on my interview with Staci Haines in episode 235) so that there’s a place where you can channel some of your emotions and to feel like you’re taking action, that is also a key component to healing this kind of violence. I learned that from Staci Haines and you can hear my interview with her in Episode 235 of the podcast. It’s amazing and important and fantastic. I highly recommend checking that out. Also, learning about trauma so that we can be more gentle with ourselves as we’re trying to navigate this really scary, painful, confusing place that we did not choose to be in. That’s part of why all of these is so hard. We did not choose this for ourselves. It was forced on us, and then we’re left trying to figure it out.

Dawn Serra: If you’re looking for some resources to check out, Peter Levine’s books on trauma are a really great start. “The Body Keeps The Score” by Bessel van der Kolk, even though the author has been accused of sexual violence himself, the book and the research are very important and were a huge part of so much of what I started understanding about my trauma and my triggers. There’s this somatic expert named Steve Haines. He is based in the UK. He’s not related to Staci Haines, but he has this great little graphic novel called “Trauma is Really Strange” and I definitely recommend that as an entry point into the world of learning about trauma.

My therapist, who’s a somatic-experiencing therapist and who specializes in trauma, always reminds me that when we’re talking about the body and healing, slow is too fast. In this fast-paced, magic bullet, capitalist world we’re in, slow can feel terrible. We don’t really know how to slow down. Like that quote that I shared at the very top. To slow down means to feel. Sometimes we’re not ready for that. That’s okay. Our bodies are wise. When it’s too painful to feel, then we don’t. Then we’ll notice over time, we start feeling we’re ready. And this process, this healing is slow. And that can bring up all sorts of rage and grief,and you’re right if you feel those things because it is not fair that these people did this to you and you are left picking up the pieces.

Dawn Serra: But this is not your entire story. It might feel big and bright and terrible right now. And that’s okay because it is terrible. Your body survived something so fucking awful. You’ve survived so much betrayal and you’re still here and things get better. They get easier. They start to feel less overwhelming and less painful. You start to find small pleasures feel okay. Like certain flavors or certain colors or maybe a sweet pet video that makes you smile, and then you remember and all the bad things flood back and it sucks. Until the next time, a little sweetness creeps back in and this time you can be with it just a little longer or you notice just a little more of the flavor. And that’s huge.

The main thing I want you to know, N, and everyone listening who’s experienced sexual violence is you are not alone. I wish that it wasn’t true, that there are more people who understand this than that don’t in the world right now. But you are not alone. Support groups were a huge way forward for me. Hearing other people’s stories, knowing I really truly wasn’t alone in the confusion and the triggers and the fear and the darkness, having friends who advocated for me helped. Although, I wasn’t really comfortable sharing what had happened to me with a lot of the people that I was close to. And that’s okay, too. Being able to speak and write about what happened and how angry I was helped. I did a lot of that online. It felt safer. Figuring out what triggered me and avoiding those things for awhile really helped. Having people who didn’t try to coerce or force me to be different or to heal faster or to get over it helped.

Dawn Serra: I know the temptation is to really try and do this alone, but I think so much more healing and space really does become available when we let others support us. When we can support others who are feeling this way too, there’s something really important that happens. When another person says, “I was raped and no one believed me,” and we’re able to say, “I believe you. I was there,” and to just feel into the truth of that. With time, you will find new ways to connect to this body of yours, to connect to the people you love, to tolerate and then enjoy touch, with time, things will start to feel pleasurable in their own way. It might look different than it used to, but it will be there because you are in a resilient, wise body and I trust in that. I trust in the resilience and the strength of your body. I trust in the incredible wisdom of your body that helped you survive such betrayals. Even if healing feels really far away, there are a million little steps and moments that are waiting for you. And while pleasure and intimacy might seem so far away right now, with time, you will reach a point where you look back and realize how far you’ve come, how much pleasure has found its way in.

So I want to thank you so much for writing, N, and for trusting me with this. I wish I had an easy answer for you, but trauma and bodies just don’t work that way. But know you’re not alone and that the questions you’re asking are questions so many others have asked. I also recommend that when you’ve got a little bit more space, maybe checking out Jen Cross’s book “Writing Ourselves Whole.” It’s a really beautiful, gentle way to start finding new stories for ourselves after trauma.

Dawn Serra: I’m sending so much love your way. That’s it for this week’s episode. Next week, I will be back with an interview with author Darcey Steinke as we talk all about menopause. I’m super excited to be talking about menopause. I want more and more and more and more and more of us talking about it, so that we can reduce the shame and make it something that‘s normal and celebrated cause it’s a thing that lots of our bodies do. Until next time. I am on vacation. I will talk to you next week. Bye.

A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses. 

As you look towards the next week, I wonder what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?