Sex Gets Real 284: Learning to be vulnerable, is cheating bad, and big penises

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tl;dr How to vulnerable and honest, is cheating bad, and what to do about a big penis?

Let’s take a touch inventory. Who in your life can you share touch with? Not just sexual or romantic, but platonic, comforting, or familial touch? I’ve been thinking a lot about the ways we’re so touch-starved here in the U.S. and Canada, and then an article came across my feed this week that I thought was worth sharing. Check out Vice’s article “The Life of the Skin-Hungry: Can You Go Crazy from a Lack Of Touch?” here.

This week it’s your emails! We’re diving deep into three of them.

Anxious Freshman grew up in a household where love was dependent on obedience and pleasing their father. As someone heading off to college, they’re noticing that it’s challenging for them to be open and honest about their feelings, to be vulnerable with others. They even lie to their friends about sex while knowing their friends wouldn’t judge them. What can they do differently?

Al has a big question. Is it wrong to cheat on his wife? They’ve been married a long time and sex hasn’t been a part of the equation for many years. He is seriously considering cheating on his wife, and wants to know if it’s wrong.

It’s a huge question and one I take some time with.

Finally, Big Cock Blues has met someone wonderful, but there’s a problem. His cock is massive and it leaves BCB feeling raw, sore, and irritated after they have intercourse. What can BCB do to accommodate this big penis?

From different positions to cock rings to trying perineal massage, there are lots of ways to experiment here, but the bottom line is to always trust your body and to follow your body’s lead – not to try and force it or override it’s wisdom. I found an article on perineal massage for BCB. Check it out here.

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About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics, and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing, and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So, welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.

Hello to you on what is a chilly, dark, and wintery day here in Western Canada. I am deploying fuzzy slippers and sweaters and blankets galore. I have about 10 days until my 3 ½ week vacation. And for the first time in the 5 years that I’ve been self-employed, I am actually giving myself permission to not do work, to not have client calls, and I’m hosting just one meeting that entire time. It’s the first time I feel like I can actually give myself permission, which is weird and wonderful. But honest, also kind of scary. It’s been so long since I’ve had a long period of time where I just really didn’t work and I don’t know how to do that. So we’ll see how it goes. It’s going to be a chance for us to walk along the wintery beach of Vancouver Island, where we’re staying. I’m taking a stack of books, a stack of puzzles, lots of hot chocolate. We’re going to have great food, and sex, and rest, and dream big dreams. So, who knows, when I come back from vacation, what I’ll be ready to start cooking up for all of you.

Dawn Serra: This week, it’s you and me. And then, in preparation for me being away and not working, you’re going to be hearing from the amazing Kai Cheng Thom next week. And then two weeks after that, I have a really rad conversation with author Darcey Steinke all about menopause. Plus, a couple of episodes featuring your emails. So good stuff coming up even though I won’t be around, you’ll still have all kinds of really juicy, juicy episodes to tune in to.

Also, something happened this week that hasn’t happened in a while, which I’m grateful that it hasn’t happened in a while. I received an unsolicited dick pic via the podcast email inbox. But, that person is now on the receiving end of a $500 invoice for sexual harassment, so we’ll see what they do with that. I am very, very generous with those invoices when people send me unsolicited dick pics. So, don’t do that.

Dawn Serra: One of the things I’ve been thinking about a lot is how separated and isolated we are all becoming. This is because of some books that I’ve been reading and some conversations that I am having. But just really noticing how, in all of the spaces that I am in, in all of the groups that I facilitate, the conversations that I have, everyone is expressing this longing for community and for connection. And really articulating how lonely they feel, how transactional so many of our encounters with other humans can be, and how starved and deprived that’s leaving all of us.

One of the books that I just finished reading is Jenny Odell’s “How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy” and it’s been giving me so many thoughts. I underlined and made notes in the margins of this book from cover to cover. And if you would love to be in conversation with me and a whole bunch of other rad people about that book, Patreons, who support at $3 and above, you can join the Explore More book club call for that book, “How to Do Nothing” by Jenny Odell on December 12th, details are at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. Check that out. But, I’ve just been thinking a lot about where we’re putting our attention, how we’re really connecting to each other or how we’re not.

Dawn Serra: Funny enough, this new article on Vice came across my feed this week that really spoke to so much of what I’ve been thinking about. The title is, “The Life of the Skin-Hungry: Can You Go Crazy from a Lack Of Touch?” I’ll link to it at dawnserra.com/ep284. But I’m really glad to see more people asking questions about this, particularly around skin hunger and touch hunger. I’ve had some really interesting conversations over the years with people who are from cultures that are much more about collectivism as opposed to the individualism that we see here in U.S., Canada, and so much of Europe. And what I’ve learned is that, in collectivist cultures, touch is built into the ways so many people relate to each other throughout the day. From platonic handholding between friends, even among cis men, is really common in places like Thailand. Hugging, cuddling, and standing with arms draped around each other, regardless of gender or age, is common in so many places across Central and South America. Hair braiding and group dancing is common in a lot of tribal communities.

While I do know that certain types of collectivism really come with their own set of challenges, especially inside of patriarchy, the one thing I’ve heard over and over again from colleagues and friends who are from Mexico, Columbia, Peru, Indonesia, is how common, frequent, and normalized touch is. And how when they’ve come to places like U.S. and Canada, they’ve started feeling really starved and been shocked by how little we touch each other.

Dawn Serra: So that’s just been making me think, courtesy of this new article and some of the other things that I’ve been diving into. How, particularly in our current capitalist, neoliberal, colonialist, patriarchal structure that’s rife with misogyny and toxic masculinity, that touch is something that many of us do not experience, because we have such restrictive and fear-based views around touch and what it means.

Touch that is non-sexual is really genuinely devalued and ridiculed by so many of us. Which is why I’m such a huge proponent for working with caring professionals as a way to get more of our touch needs met – from massage therapists and hair stylists or barbers to somatic sex educators, sexological bodyworkers, pro dommes, and sex workers. Being able to access these services is a privilege because a lot of it does require money. But it’s certainly something that many of us don’t either take advantage of or we don’t really realize what’s available to us when we do take advantage of it.

Dawn Serra: So, I want to start by, as you listen to this, inviting you to take a couple of minutes to think about the people in your life and the ways that you touch each other. And I think that it’s important to notice whether or not you have many people that you can touch or just a couple. A variety of people in your life who you share touch with can be a lovely way to get lots of different needs met. But it is okay if you have a shorter list of people that you share touch with as long as those people, especially if it’s just one person, aren’t burdened by the expectation that they always fill your needs even if they don’t feel up for it. That’s one of the reasons why having a variety, both human and non-human. Petting animals and riding horses, hugging and wrestling with our dogs – this does offer us a sense of touch and connection. But there is something really special about touch among humans.

I want more of us to platonically hold hands, to lean against each other, to engage in full body platonic hugging that lasts for more than a few seconds. I mean, they say a 30 second hug is what it takes to start releasing those yummy chemicals in our brain that triggers a shift in our physiology. And I want so much for more of us to separate touch from sex, so that more of us feel safe cuddling with each other and massaging each other’s hands and shoulders and feet. And being with each other.

Dawn Serra: I mean, sexual touch and erotic touch are beautiful, powerful things. But it is important for us to also name that because of homophobia and toxic masculinity, far too many people, especially and particularly cis men, really only experience pleasurable touch through sex which then, because of the scarcity, often leads to sexualizing all touch out of a desperation for it. And that can make touch feel really unsafe for many people. It’s the reason so many of the women that I see in my coaching practice have started withholding touch from their partners. Because a desire for cuddles or a backrub or leaning against each other or being playful with touch gets turned into something sexual with expectation behind it. That they really start to feel unsafe around asking for those kinds of touches and so they shutting touch down all together, and then everyone’s suffering.

Humans need touch. We are a social species. Belonging is what drives almost all of our behavior. So wanted, consensual, pleasing touch is something that contributes to deep healing, emotional well-being, coregulation, connection, a sense of worthiness. Which is why it’s especially violent when touch gets turned into something dangerous. So take a moment. Think about the touch in your life. Think about the reasons you do or don’t hold hands with your friends. Think about the ways you might be able to incorporate more touch from working with professionals, to dance classes, to martial arts, to cuddle parties. There’s so many ways that we can get touch if we start getting really curious and opening to it. I want for more of us to have a sense of “hereness” and connection. And touch really helps us to be able to feel into what makes us “us.”

Dawn Serra: So enough about that. That’s just part of what I’ve been geeking out because of these books and these articles. But your questions are going to be what drives this week’s episode. And I’m really excited. We’ve got three really awesome ones. I suspect you will have lots of feelings about them so feel free to go to Facebook and visit the Sex Gets Real Facebook page if you want to share your thoughts about anything that’s here. Let’s jump into your questions.

Anxious Freshman, who I mentioned last week, wrote in with a subject line of: “Majoring in Development, Minoring in Intimacy.” Their email says:

“Hello Dawn! I recently started listening to your podcast and I’m in love with the open, honest, and non-judgmental way you discuss sex, love, and relationships. I was looking for a sex positive voice to aid my journey and I’m glad I found yours! P.S I’m going to try to keep this as short as possible but it’s a long story. The journey I’m embarking on is college! I’m starting in less than two weeks as an 18, almost 19, year old. I’m a virgin. I have no shame in this, as everyone moves at their own pace, but I have another issue: intimacy. I grew up in a home where love was viewed as an exchange. If I was good and did what my parents wanted, I was loved. If not, that love was lessened. Corporal punishment lead me to find it hard to be honest with my parents about anything. Feelings and opinions weren’t talked about; if they differed from my Father’s, they were viewed as wrong. My Mom later grew and learned, so she took us away from my Father to protect us, but her passive years have taken a toll.”

“I’ve been improving. My elder sister and I both talk about how our Father’s ‘tough love’ is part of why we’re going to need therapy and have deep discussions of how we won’t let it define or ruin us and I’ve become more open to my friends about my emotions. But romantic relationships? Not so much. It’s hard for me to talk about sex and my feelings. I get an anxious nauseous feeling when I think about it. The only ‘relationship’ I’ve had was this year and I told him via text when I was going through a rough time. We never went further than slow dancing at prom, which was awful and felt so forced because he wasn’t comfortable enough to talk about his feelings and neither was I. We were both were in a situation where we liked each other and hung out but neither of us went the extra step of defining it and as a result it ended terribly. I can, however, talk about sex openly with my close friends, but I often lie about what I’m into to seem more ‘normal’ or more ‘innocent’ than them. I have kinks and they wouldn’t care because they’ve shared theirs too. But it’s this internal feeling that if I’m honest and they don’t like my answer, then I’ll be rejected or seen as wrong in some way. I’m desperate to have intimate sexual and romantic relationships, but also deeply unable to be honest enough to reach them. Any thoughts would be appreciated!”

Dawn Serra: Hello to you, Anxious Freshman. I am really touched you reached out and I really appreciate you sharing what you did. Growing up in a household, this feels kind of personal, growing up in a household where our truths and feelings are punished if they displease a parent or caregiver can cause so much pain. I mean, as kids, our very survival rests on the adults who care for us, and so we naturally adapt to please them, to keep ourselves as safe as possible, even if that means we learn behaviors that hurt later in life.

I think it’s incredible that you’ve not only survived your father’s ‘tough love’, but that you know you want to learn new ways of relating and being in relationship with others. To be 18 years old and know that is pretty amazing. I would not have had that kind of self-awareness or language at your age at all.

Dawn Serra: The first thing I want to offer, which it sounds like you’re already doing, but bears repeating for anyone listening who might have a similar story, is to continually forgive ourselves for the ways that we coped and survived. This means turning towards ourselves with kindness when we fall into older patterns and behaviors. Because they feel safe. They helped us survive to now. And it can feel really scary and risky to change. So, forgiving ourselves when we fall back into those coping mechanisms and those strategies.

The next thing is that this feels hard because it is hard. It’s hard for all of us in different ways and in different circumstances. But, vulnerable sharing, being open about our emotions – it’s risky! Being rejected by our friends can be incredibly painful and leave us feeling completely adrift because our friends, especially if we’re going away to college, can be as important to us as family. Like so many things in life, the more we avoid doing a vulnerable or a scary thing, the more we build it up in our heads and the bigger and scarier it becomes. So my recommendation is to start really small. A gentle way to invite ourselves into trying new behaviors, and for you Anxious Freshman, that might mean writing down some of the things you’d like to share. It’s a way to help you find the language, to practice saying the thing, to taking what’s inside of you and putting it on to a page. Journaling can be a really powerful way for us to reflect and practice new ways of being.

Dawn Serra: I recommend starting with something really small and gentle. Writing it down, practicing it that way might be a good starting point. Also working with a coach or a therapist can feel really helpful. So if your campus has a mental health program, that might be a low-cost option for finding some support and having a place to practice saying some of these things, and finding your voice. I do want to say not all mental health professionals are created equal, so you will need to vet the people you meet with and take a little time to build trust. But that can be a way to practice sharing where the risk of rejection is lowered and you’re easing to building the intimacy.

I think something else that’s important to note, very few of us have the capacity, and it’s not always safe either to do this, of entering into a relationship and we just trust all the things and share all the things, and we can be vulnerable and intimate from the get go. For most of us, it’s a process. So, we come into a relationship of some kind, whether it’s a friendship or a romantic relationship or a sexual one, and kind of feel things out. We find what our version of this stance looks like and over the course of time, we start sharing things that are a little more personal or are a little more vulnerable. If that goes well then we share a little bit more. But allowing it to be a process is important. It’s not just all going to happen right at the exact same moment that you meet each other.

Dawn Serra: I also wonder if there are some things you might feel more comfortable sharing with your sister or one particular friend versus someone that you’re new to dating or an entire group of friends. The more we practice being vulnerable, the more that we start to feel into the truth that it’s not as scary as it used to be. Being rejected is pretty much inevitable as a human being. So if we have soft places to land and if we have enough evidence that we aren’t rejected every time we share, then we can also start building up some rejection resilience which is another huge part of intimacy. Knowing that there is a high possibility of us being rejected around all kinds of things at different times in our life. And when we’re rejected, it’s not about denying that we’re worthy or us not being enough – it’s about this other person taking care of themselves or is just being in a different place.

When we get through rejection a number of times and see we’re still okay, people still love us, it helps to build our strength and push against that intense protective mechanism that we can have.

Dawn Serra: Another thing that you can do if you want to work on developing your rejection resilience, which I do think is a core piece of us being able to share really intimately and vulnerably, is to separate the practice of sharing and speaking your truth from the practice of rejection. Find small places where you can invite a no that’s really low stakes. It might be asking a barista if they have a flavor of syrup for your coffee that you know they don’t carry, so when you ask the question, you know the response is going to be a no. You can ask a friend to help you do some roleplay where you take turns practicing being rejected. That can also be a really great way to practice rejecting others and articulating boundaries. So that can be a really fun practice for you and a friend. To be able to roleplay a whole bunch of different ways.

I think it’s important when we’re doing those kinds of things, if it becomes playful and silly, that’s okay. That’s part of the fun of practicing and also really seeing that being rejected is not the end of the world. So finding those little moments, those low-stakes moments for you to experience the no, see that it’s not about you, not about your worthiness. It maybe feels a little scary or a little stingy, but I’m okay. I move on. And then when we make a practice of that, we start to find we welcome no. We want the no versus avoiding and running away from that.

Dawn Serra: The last thing I want to say is that paying attention to your body is crucial and it’s something so many of us forget to do. Everything that I’ve mentioned so far is ultimately a thought exercise, but intimacy, safety, connection, pleasure – they’re about the body. I think it can be a really great thing to start noticing. When you’re with your friends, how safe do you feel in your body? Are you present? Can you feel your breath, your chest, your shoulders, your tummy? Are they tight and tense or relaxed and open?

Sharing our truth when we are tense, braced, constricted, or desperately wanting to control the outcome or being outside of ourselves is really difficult; and even potentially re-traumatizing because our body is saying “I don’t feel safe and open,” and we’re still trying to force ourselves to do a thing. And that disrupts trust with ourselves and our body. So, as you hang out with your friends, since that’s who’s available to you right now, see if you can make a practice of noticing – not trying to change, at least at first – but just noticing what you feel in your body when you’re with them. What topics, spaces, people do you find you’re most present and at ease with? Those are probably the circumstances where sharing some simple truths, being a little more vulnerable might be the place to start. And then easing into higher stakes situations. Once you’ve really established that trust with body and listening, you’ve practiced with no, you’ve practiced speaking some of your truths; if you find you’re always tense or braced around your friends, then maybe there’s some other places in your life where you feel a little bit more present and open. Because maybe that’s too high of stakes right at the beginning. Again, that might be a great place to do some journaling and reflecting, and then feeling into your body when I write about these things, I feel more ease or I feel more constriction.

Dawn Serra: I would also ask, if you had to choose one person that you feel most at ease with physically, where you aren’t trying to look cool or you’re not trying to hold your body in a particular way, where you feel really okay taking up space and feeling good and feeling at ease, that’s probably a really good person to practice having some more intimate conversations with. Maybe doing some of these roleplay. Because everything that you are hungry for takes practice. It takes making mistakes. It takes time. It’s going to be awkward and it’s going to feel weird. Because allowing ourselves to speak our truths and to be seen, is taking up space, which means it’s risky and it is vulnerable. So finding places where you can do that is so precious.

So I invite you to start there. Instead of starting with, “I want to have these really intimate, romantic relationships,” starting to be able to be with yourself around your truth and hear your body and then moving into really low-stakes situations where you can practice, experience some rejection, see how you respond, speaking your truth a little bit more with your friends. Once that starts to feel a little bit more available to you, then starting to expand that circle.

Dawn Serra: There’s one other thing that I’m thinking of. Sometimes it can feel easier to speak our truth and share in places where we’re more anonymous, where people don’t really know us. Like in my experience, writing workshops or book clubs or discussion groups. If that feels like a better option for you, Anxious Freshman, it might be worth considering, especially with you going off to college. I know some of the most vulnerable things I’ve ever shared have happened in workshops and retreats, and when no one ran screaming from the room, when no one judged me, when people kept talking to me after I shared that super scary thing – it often gave me a little bit of permission to try sharing some of it with the people in my life that I was really invested in, who’s relationship really mattered to me. Because it’s a lot to ask ourselves, to share scary truths with someone that really matters to us, if the risk is they go away. So maybe doing something that’s a little more anonymous or with people who are acquaintances versus friends might be another way to start.

Not everyone is deserving of our private, inner world. So give yourself time to feel into your relationships. Trust takes time and it takes consistency. So start with smaller, easier shares and then depending on how they’re received, calibrate around whether this is a person who might be a safe place for deeper truths or if this is a person who doesn’t really get that side of you. That’s also a part of emotional intelligence and self-trust.

Dawn Serra: Finally, if you really have a great relationship with your friends and you’re struggling to get over that hump, it can work wonders to actually ask for help or to share that you’re scared of sharing some more personal stuff. Because of how it was in your house growing up and that while you aren’t ready to share some things yet, but you just want your friends to know that you’re scared of them rejecting you and ask if they can help with that. My guess is if they’re really great friends, they’re going to totally understand and offer to support you in whatever ways feel good. If they don’t, that might be a matter of maturity or they just might not be your people. And you’ll grow your way into new people. But all of this is an opportunity of being with and practicing and building the skills so that when we do finally meet someone that we’re romantically interested in or sexually interested in, we’ve had lots of opportunities for trying, building that trust, speaking our truth, experiencing rejection and knowing it doesn’t kill us.

There’s so much more that I would love to say, but I think I’ve thrown enough at you, at this point. And I hope that gave you just a couple of different things to chew on, Anxious Freshman. It sounds like you are really in an amazing place. The fact that you’re even asking this question and wanting to be different means you are creating the space and the opportunity for change to even be possible. And at 18? That’s fucking amazing. I was not there. So good luck to you and know that you have lots and lots of time to practice and to figure this out You are not behind the curve. In fact, I think you’re way ahead of the curve and it was really exciting to hear from you.

Dawn Serra: This next email is from Al, whose subject line is: “Should I feel bad or guilty?” The email reads:

“Hi, Dawn. I’m not really sure how to start this. My wife has pretty much decided to be celibate because she is unhappy with her body and how she sees herself. We have been married 20 plus years and are happy otherwise. No matter what I say she is steadfast against having sex of any kind. I very much love my wife but I am very sexual but do not equate sex with love. For almost 7 years, I have had no sexual contact beside my own hand from masturbation and have decided I need to have an affair. I’m afraid to have the talk with my wife about it as I don’t want to chance any kind of fight. I’m not looking for affection, only carnal pleasure that I have been missing. Do you think I am wrong? My wife has different views about sex and affection. Thanks for your time and I hope this wasn’t too scattered and all over the place.I just want sex.”

Dawn Serra: Hello to you, Al! Versions of this question are pretty common in my inbox and something I’ve fielded a variety of ways over the years. I really do know this is a painful place to be. So I want you to know that you are not alone in asking yourself this question. It’s one that lots of people in this field get from people like you all the time.

The short answer is, you entered into a relationship with your wife, with spoken and unspoken agreements, and if the relationship is no longer working for you, then the respectful thing to do is to have that conversation. And if need be, to end things. I think so often we forget that the potential damage you can cause by betraying her is huge and it can lead to trust issues long, long after a betrayal. That’s not to say all affairs end badly or with someone getting hurt, but the risk is high and the potential harm is big. And my hope is what all of us are after is reducing harm.

Dawn Serra: I think it’s always tempting with questions like this to do that, “Let me turn this back around on you. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?” But I find that that doesn’t tend to be very helpful, because if you have a fundamentally different view about sex or about cheating, it can be a way to excuse hurting someone else. Because then it’s like, “Well, I wouldn’t mind if she wanted to fuck someone else.” So I think instead, it can be more helpful to ask yourself how do you think she wants to be treated?

As I was thinking about this question, I scanned a couple of the groups that I’m in for conversations about cheating just to see what some other people are saying. And I pulled a few tidbits out to share here, so that you’re not only hearing from me. I have changed personal details and specifics so that these are anonymous. But, here’s what three different people had to say on the topic of cheating.

Dawn Serra: One person said, “Cheating is about deception and/or a lack of integrity of action. Be true to your word. And if you need to change your plans, communicate. It’s not about control. It’s about integrity.”

Another person wrote, “The issue is the agreement. Not the action itself. You have agreed to do something, in your case, Al, I’m assuming that that agreement is to be in a monogamous marriage, and have chosen not to do that, either through lying or through omission. That’s cheating.”

Dawn Serra: I really like that this person said that because it gives us a chance to sit inside of your question without it being about sex. For instance, if you and your wife, let’s say, have an unspoken agreement – you probably do – not to spend thousands of dollars without talking about it with each other and making a decision. It would be pretty shitty and potentially really catastrophic to your safety and even your living situation if she went and spent thousands of dollars on something she really really really wanted that you kept saying no to. And then potentially put you out of a home, made it so you couldn’t afford food. And I think that that’s a really nice way of framing this whether it’s money, sex, time, or something else entirely.

The bottom line is you agreed to something. If that agreement is no longer working for you, the important thing is to talk about it, to try and find ways to collaborate, to investigate your own needs and what’s underneath them, to come to a new agreement – whether that’s things staying the same, the relationship ending, or something else entirely.

Dawn Serra: Someone else in some of these relationship groups I’m in said, “I believe lying is not good because it constitutes a lack of respect and thoughtful communication which is necessary for a healthy relationship. I feel this way about lying and deception in general. Obviously there are exceptions to this, such as in cases of abuse, but I think we can all agree that honesty is typically a good thing between loved ones.”

Unfortunately, almost all of us have internalized the cultural myth that being married means a lifetime of access to sex and intimacy, but the truth is it doesn’t. We are never owed access to another person’s body, which means we are never owed sex. When you pair that with a culture that shames us for talking about sex, that teaches us the default is unexamined monogamy, and that doesn’t teach us how to have open discussions about our relationship, or that it’s healthy and helpful to check-in and recalibrate every few years. And then you pair that with things like toxic masculinity and all sorts of other stuff. It’s no wonder. But it’s so common for so many people to cheat.

Dawn Serra: We aren’t taught that our relationship with our body changes over time, that our bodies themselves change over time, that we move through cycles of ease and pain, illness and wellness, that there are other ways of doing intimate and sexual relationships beyond assumed monogamy. And if we haven’t created relationships in our lives that are flexible and resilient to the ebbs and flows of what it means to be human, then we often find ourselves in situations where we have outgrown relationships or where the relationship just can’t hold the complexity any longer.

We change. Our needs change. And the hope is that we can work together to decide what serves us and the relationship. Sometimes the best thing for us is that this relationship needs to change. Sometimes, also, some time and creativity can work wonders. You can’t force your wife to change and you can’t force your wife to work with someone around her own pain – though I do hope that even while you hurt that you can offer her compassion for the things she’s going through.

Dawn Serra: Another thing that I wonder, and I’m not going to spend too much time on this is, is there the potential that the unspoken expectation of sex has caused a growing sense of failure and shame and constriction over the 7 years to the point where now your wife feels so utterly cut off from sex as something pleasurable and instead feels all this resentment and the weight of all these years of expectation? It might feel easier for her to deny that it’s there or to say that it’s all these other things.

I’ve worked with a lot of couples where the expectation from one person around sex has led to deep disconnection. And often, we don’t even know that it’s there. We’re just feeling these really difficult things and try to shut it off so that we can survive. So, I wonder for you, Al, what comes up when you ask yourself: What does it mean to be generous in this relationship with this human, especially when both of you are in pain? What does this relationship offer you that feels good and nourishing, supportive and important? What does this relationship as it is right now not offer you?

Dawn Serra: Our relationships aren’t checklists of pros and cons that can be rationalized or create some kind of perfect balance. There’s always going to be conflict and mismatches. But, taking some time to think about it from a more holistic perspective, we can start finding all sorts of things that maybe we haven’t noticed when we start becoming hyper-focused on this one area of stuckness. As humans, it’s so easy and tempting for us to zero-in on the pain and to ignore all the places of ease and joy and pleasure, to zero-in on the problem and to lose sight of the fact that there’s all these other things that feel really great. And it’s important for us to listen to these parts of us that feel tender and hurt. What can they tell us?

The pain of wanting to be touched and of not being touched by someone you love is so real. It can hurt tremendously. So, in the interest of you having more options to sit with, because I don’t think this is just a black and white thing, I think it is worth taking some time to reflect on your own desires, Al, and to investigate them a little bit. I mean, maybe you’ve done this. But just for other people listening, here are some things that I’ve thought about as I read your email: When you and your wife used to have sex, was it only ever intercourse or genital-related? Is there an opportunity for broadening both of your experiences and opportunities around sex, pleasure, and connection? What about mutual masturbation? Reading erotica together? Showering together? Tickle fights? Bondage? Role play? Playing with power like dominance and submission? Spanking? Writing each other sexy texts?

Dawn Serra: There are literally an endless variety of ways that we can feel erotically met and expressed, stretched and validated to feel into the depths of our sexuality and sexual selves without it ever having to be about our genitals, intercourse, or nudity. I wonder have you and your wife built up the skills and created the kind of emotional safety where you could explore that vastness together? If she feels insecure about her body, what are all the ways you two could connect without her ever having to get naked or be penetrated?

I also think that if you find yourself constricting around the questions, wondering something along the lines of, “But what about my dick?” I also think that’s an opportunity to examine the stories you have around sex. Would you still want to feel sexual and erotic if you couldn’t have an erection any longer? Maybe if you, at any point, get prostate cancer or had an accident where you no longer had that part of your body? My guess is yes. You would still want to feel sexual and erotic, but it would look different. You’d find new ways to feel that fun rush of arousal and to know physical pleasure. So what are the opportunities?

Dawn Serra: At the top of the show, I talked about how so many men, especially, suffer because they’ve internalized this idea that sex is the only way to get so many of their needs met. Yes, sex can be wonderful and delicious and important. And, we use sex as a stand-in for other needs: for touch, for intimacy, for feeling aroused in our lives, for being embodied, for validating your gender. When we start to investigate what’s underneath, there can be such an opportunity for expansion. If sex is a way to feel more like a man, for instance, what does it mean to you to feel like a man? What are other activities and opportunities for having that part of yourself validated? If you find it’s a short list, I think that’s also an opportunity to see how you’re experiencing your gender is so limited.

Same for maybe using sex as a way to feel present and embodied. What are all the other ways that you and your wife could engage with each other, to feel present and embodied? Erotic breathwork? Pillow fights? Cuddling? Maybe working on charitable project like volunteering at an animal shelter or building a house? Asking questions like this isn’t about discounting sex, but it is a way to start giving us other entry points: for getting our needs met, for collaborating, for co-creating. And often when we start feeling into the options, when we get really genuinely curious – not from a place of manipulation but from a place of, “What else is here?” We start feeling this big shift of energy. It feels less heavy and stuck, and more playful. Inside of that, so many other things can feel like they’re coming back to life – including our erotic energy.

Dawn Serra: I like to think about food a lot when I’m thinking about sex. If we only ever ate one thing, whenever we’re thinking about food, we‘d probably start feeling really, really, really hungry for that one thing ‘cause we didn’t know that there’s all these other things that we could have. And we might not be very nourished. But when we start to see there’s all of these other foods that we can eat, all these other flavors to experiment with and try, we can start feeling really nourished and fed in ways we never could’ve imagined before. Hilary Kinavey from BeNourished likes to talk about how when we circle the thing we want without actually having the thing we want, we become really obsessed with it, which can create a situation of bingeing or compulsion or other types of coping behaviors. I’m not saying that’s where you are, Al. But I just offer that as something all of us can be with.

I think to your question, Al, only you can decide what this relationship with your wife means to you and whether you respect her enough to be upfront about what’s going on for you, what you want, and what you need. If she can’t meet you in the kind of sex you want, then the choice is do you want to take the time to work together on co-creating new stories, new opportunities for feeling pleasure and connection? Can the two of you ethically restructure your relationship so that maybe it’s an open relationship where both of you can date others or have sex with others? And I just want to say, if you are thinking about ethical non-monogamy and opening your relationship, it has to be for the both of you. She doesn’t have to do something but she has to have the option. It wouldn’t be fair for you to open your relationship and then you’re the only one that’s allowed to go do this other thing. But that is an option that’s on the table. Can the two of you find new ways of being in relationship with each other? Or, if those things aren’t possible, is it time to transition out of the marriage and to end things so that you can pursue this thing that you want?

Dawn Serra: I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve gotten emails over the years from people who cheated and then deeply regretted it. I’m sure that’s not true for everyone. I have certainly been in relationships and experiences around infidelity. But it’s important to note that once that line is crossed, you can’t uncross it. It’s not to say it’s automatically the end of your marriage, but repair work and rebuilding trust can be years long and really uncomfortable and challenging. And if there’s another way, my hope is that we can do that.

You deserve to be happy. We all deserve that and my hope is that we can consider our interdependence, the impact we have on the people around us, the ways our behaviors ripple out into other relationships and the community. It’s messy, imperfect, and nuanced.

Dawn Serra: The final thing that I want to offer is if you do decide to cheat, if you decide that’s where you’re going to go, that I highly recommend working with a professional. Hire a sex worker. Hire someone who knows how to negotiate, will keep things professional and boundaried, who won’t text you at all hours or get emotionally attached, and make things even messier. If you decide to cheat, hire a professional.

I know there was a lot in there, Al, and that the answer isn’t cut and dry. But with something this messy, it can’t be. Being human and being in relationship with other humans is messy. So I hope that this has offered you some food for thought and some new things to consider as you feel into this relationship with your wife and what you’re going to do next. Maybe it’s given you some questions to be in or maybe after hearing all of these things what you’ve noticed is, “I just don’t want to do this work. I think we’re beyond that. I think the hurt is too deep and maybe it’s time to transition out of this marriage.” And that’s okay too. I wish you the very best of luck, Al. And thank you so much for listening to the show and for writing in.

Dawn Serra: This last email for this week’s episode is about “Big Cock Blues.” Here’s what it says:

“Hey, Dawn! I’m a cis woman and I have a new cis male sexual partner who I’m really into. I’m stoked about our connection! We have excellent chemistry. There’s just one problem. His cock is massive and sex, for the first time in my life, is partly a painful experience. The part it hurts the most is right at my vaginal opening, because his cock is a lot bigger at the base. I have no problem getting super duper wet before we have sex, and I make sure he pleasures me a lot before PIV. And even though sex is amazing, it leaves me feeling sore, dry, and irritated. Aside from the pain in that one area, I love having PIV sex with him. His cock is so big it gives me pleasure I’ve never been able to experience before. Any advice? I Would love to continue the relationship with this beautiful cock and beautiful man. Love, Big Cock Blues”

Dawn Serra: Well, hello BCB! Thank you for writing in. Yay for a partner that you’re really into, yay for excellent chemistry and for new kinds of pleasure. Boo for discomfort and pain that isn’t feeling so hot. The first place that my mind went when I read your email was about lube. I know you said you get super duper wet, but adding lube, certainly can’t hurt. Especially really high quality lube like uberlube that has a lot of staying power. If you start wet but then maybe through the stretching and the motion, things begin to dry out. Having lube there to add throughout the process can help with all sorts of things.

You also mentioned that he pleasures you a lot before intercourse, and I think this is also an interesting place for checking in with your body because “a lot” might seem like a lot on paper or compared to other partners. But for your body, a lot might be not quite enough for what you’re trying to do. It can take an average of 20 to 45 minutes of arousal for the tissues in and around our vulva to become fully engorged and to really be in that yummy “yes” place. So maybe there’s an opportunity to experiment with extending the non-intercourse sexual activity? To much longer than either of you think that it should.

Dawn Serra: Another thing that can help is having orgasms before trying the big thing. Before the intercourse. I know for some people, myself included, if they’re going to try something like fisting or some type of very large insertable, it can help to have an orgasm, or two or three, to really warm everything up, to get everything really engaged and primed before that tissue is really ready for a stretched activity.

If you’re up for the work and the practice around stretching the area, doing something like regular perineal massage, might also be worth a try – just like pregnant folks do to prepare the perineum and vaginal opening for birth, which certainly gets stretched. Perineal massage can help reduce tearing and damage to the area, which might also help reduce pain. So I’m including a link to an article about perineal massage and stretching for birth. If you go to dawnserra.com/ep284. You can go down the rabbit hole about all kinds of stretching. It’s similar to using dilators, but this kind of intentional, regular daily massage might help offer you a little bit of relief because you’re training and offering your body an opportunity to stretch and find some ease around this extreme experience for you.

Dawn Serra: I also think it’s worth bare saying that not all bodies can accommodate all sizes. I have seen some people get fisted by folks with massive hands and their body was a big ol’ yes to that while mine, on the other hand, no matter the prep would be “No way, Jose. Not happening.” Some bodies prefer smaller insertables and some bodies prefer or can handle larger insertables. But what our bodies can accommodate changes over time, it changes based on our mental health, our stories, whether or not we’re scared that it’s going to hurt, how safe we feel, how much warm up we’ve had.

In other words, let your body dictate. Let your body dictate what it feels up for and trust in that wisdom. It’s so tempting to want to override the body, to try and force our bodies to do things for all of these external reasons like, “This other person wants it and I want to look super sexy,” or all kinds of things. We’re thinking our way instead of feeling our way. And the wisest and most pleasurable thing we can do is honor where our body is and to find ways to work with it rather than against it. Maybe intercourse with this guy is only a sometimes thing. Maybe intercourse with this guy is just the tip-thing and you’re always in the driver’s seat. If you’re on top, you can control the depth. Maybe he uses toys of increasing sizes on you before his cock ever tries to enter you. Maybe he wears a cock ring that feels really yummy for him but prevents you from going all the way to the base. Maybe trying positions that allow for penetration but shallower strokes, like you on your stomach. There’s lots of opportunities, but listen to your body and let that decide what’s happening, when it’s happening, and how much is happening.

Dawn Serra: One other thing that often helps a lot of people feel really yummy about anal sex is stimulating their clit before and during anal sex, because that can shift us from worrying about whether or not it’s going to hurt – to feeling into this big yes of pleasure. So if you’re not already doing that, give it a try.

I would say even though it feels good during, if it’s causing any tissue trauma, it might not be the right thing for you, at least not right now, to keep riding that cock without trying some of these other things first. But no matter what, it sounds like with the chemistry and the connection, there’s so much potential, even if intercourse isn’t on the table for a lot of your sexual encounters. That’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. Sounds like the two of you are doing all kinds of other yummy things that feel good, so center that. Do more of that and try some of these other things that I mentioned to see if that makes your body feel like a yes or if it’s still not feeling quite ready for it. I hope that helps and have fun experimenting!

Dawn Serra: That’s it for this week’s episode. If you could use support, write to me! I love hearing from you. You are a big part of what makes this show happen. So from sex and love to diet culture and trauma, emotions and everything in between – send me a note if you could use some support or some resources, my email is info at sexgetsreal dot com or you can go to dawnserra.com and use the contact form. No dick pics, please. I’ve had enough of those. And until next week, when you get to hear my chat with Kai Cheng Thom, I’m Dawn Serra. Bye.

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses.

As you look towards the next week, I wonder what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?