Sex Gets Real 274: Changing orgasms, dungeon etiquette, & codependency

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This week’s episode is all about you and your questions.

First up, there have been updates on #polyamorysmetoo and I wanted to pass those along. The survivor pod shared this update and more stories from women who had relationships with Franklin have come out and you can read them here, here, here, and here.

You can also check out the @bodyimage_therapists’s post on restriction here, and you can follow Ashlee if changing your relationship with food and body is something you’re working on.

After sharing some passages from Nora Samaran’s “Turn This World Inside Out”, it’s time to jump into your emails.

Chelsea wrote in because she is going to her first dungeon warehouse party. Is it safe to go as a single straight woman? And what should she wear?

Amy has been with her husband for 8 years and early in their relationship, she had one month where she had mindblowing ecstastic orgasms and then they disappeared as quietly as they arrived. What happened? Is it normal? And why?

Lady Shyzune experienced some trauma in some messy relationships with loved ones, and is finally coming out the other side with healthier boundaries and more support. How can people avoid the messy traps she fell into?

You can check out Dr. Chris Hoff’s piece on the myth of codependency here. Definitely a worthwhile read.

Follow Dawn on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra. That’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics and liberation. This is about the big and the small about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.

Hey you! Welcome to this week’s episode. I am fielding your emails and we have some really interesting places to go together. Before we do that, I just want to say, if you are in the Vancouver area, I am going to be running a 14-week in-person group program called “Exploring Body Trust.” The group is going to be super intimate – three to five people. We’re going to spend 14 weeks meeting in-person and spending that time exploring what it would mean to really gently transform our relationship with food, body, and self. 

Dawn Serra: Now, I don’t have enrollment ready to go yet. But, if you’re interested in hearing more about it because you’re in the Vancouver area – and I really have a feeling this is going to be a super extraordinary and intimate experience – then, shoot me an email, info at sexgetsreal dot com. Just letting me know you’re in the Vancouver area and you would be interested in a 14-week group exploration of body trust. It’s a really, really, really yummy curriculum and I’m hoping to do that a little bit later this fall. So, shoot me an email if you’re interested so that I know you’re out there.

I also wanted to share that there have been some new updates on polyamory’s #MeToo, which is the survivor pod and collection of stories around Franklin Veaux. There are new interviews with women who had relationships or interactions with Franklin and these new interviews are really revealing. The abuse on a harmful patterns that was less clear to those who were cohabitating with him and had much more entwined experiences becomes a lot more obvious when you start hearing these stories from people who had long-distance relationships or short-term relationships and what was revealed through that.

Dawn Serra: I just want to continue to reiterate that this process, these stories is not about vilifying an individual. It’s not about making one person into a monster. But, I do think that it’s really crucial for all of us to be able to really sit with the behaviors that are being revealed and made visible through this process, how so many of the harmful behaviors that are baked into so many of the ideals that we’ve seen embraced and even celebrated in polyamory communities, the ways that we’re normalizing very specific kinds of misogyny that leaves so many women crushed under emotional labor.

This process is helping all of us to not only learn different ways of connecting and supporting each other when we’ve experienced harm but it also gives a lot of us a chance to really see the impact of behavior that, in the moment, might not seem like a really big deal but can actually create lifelong consequences.

Dawn Serra: So, if you’re interested in those, the links to check out the latest analysis and update from the survivor pod as well as the stories from the women themselves, which is really the most important thing that we witnessed on all these stories and believe them. They can all be found at sexgetsreal.com/ep274 for Episode 274. So, I’ll have a few links there you could check out. 

I also wanted to share The Body Image Therapist on Instagram (@bodyimage_therapist), who is Ashlee Bennett, shared a really awesome post about restriction. I just wanted to share it with you because this is something I’ve been investigating a lot in my own life while also really grappling with the ways that capitalism encourages us to binge and to buy and to consume and to hoard and to get the newer, better, flashier version of something and how we can move away from restriction without swinging into that drastic response of hoarding and bingeing and instead, how we can be more mindful and really embodied around our hungers and our needs.

Dawn Serra: So, anyway, the Body Image Therapist shared an image and it says: Other forms of restriction beyond food. And, there’s four different categories that she has listed. The first one is suppressing emotions – denying, avoiding and minimizing essential and normal emotions, usually anger or other “unacceptable” emotions. Two, limiting pleasure – especially that engage the body in playful, creative, sensual and sexual* ways. And, there’s a star on the word “sexual.” I’ll get to that in a minute. Other forms of restriction beyond food include hiding your voice and physical presence – holding your body in, trying to make yourself smaller, not expressing something when you really want to. Finally, dismissing and minimizing the self – not taking ownership of or placing value on your own strengths, skills and qualities. Emphasizing negative self-talk over positive self-talk.

Ashlee’s description reads, “The restriction of food is a part of a longer list of other ways restriction can occur. This is called restriction mentality – closely related to diet mentality. That the less you are – smaller, quieter, pure, self-deprecating, somehow that makes one ‘more’? More civil, compliant, good, morally sound, dutiful – a worthy citizen.

Dawn Serra: It’s important to look beyond when you say ‘I have issues with food/body’, and see where else similar patterns show up in your life. It doesn’t mean you’ll restrict in all areas. For some, there may be restriction in some areas, and a sense of being ‘out of control’ in other areas. As humans, we need expression, play, pleasure, connection. It’s also okay to have a basic sense of ‘I’m worthy and have value’, a positive self-regard. You’re not too much or stuck up. If you’re finding yourself being ‘out of control’ in a particular area, have a look and see how you may be restricting your experience as a human being over all…”

.

Then, Ashlee adds, “I put a *next to sexual because some folx are asexual and so sexual is not relevant in this case. I also want to point out that the aspects in this list can be related to other areas, for example trauma. If these aspects don’t resonate in relation to the word restriction for you, that’s super okay. We are complex beings. An Instagram post can’t have you completely figured out.”

Dawn Serra: So, thank you so much for that, Ashlee.It’s really beautiful. I definitely recommend checking out Ashlee’s Instagram. That’s @bodyimage_therapist.

And, thinking about the ways that we restrict, I think, reveals a lot of really interesting things. Some of the work we all have to do as we consider ways to deepen our relationship with ourselves and with those we love, is really considering the ways we shrink ourselves and restrict ourselves and the ways that we inflate ourselves and hoard and binge. They’re both on opposite ends of the same spectrum. Sometimes these things are part of how we survive, so they’re not inherently bad or wrong. Sometimes we need to restrict indoor. We need to inflate or hoard or binge to get through something. But, often, these patterns and these behaviors really aren’t needed any longer to survive bad things. When that is the case, it can really corrode our sense of self and our relationship with our power. They’ve outlived their usefulness.

Dawn Serra: I just want to offer that because I am continuing to dive into this relationship we have with food and how it relates to the relationship we have around sex and pleasure. And, restriction is a theme I see a lot in the folks I work with. Giving up restriction can feel so terrifying. It’s the only thing keeping us from becoming a monster or drifting out to sea and being left alone. Those are really drastic examples but often, when we think about giving up dieting, when we think about giving up the ways we try to make ourselves small that really feels like the stakes. You know, that they’re drastic.

I just want to invite, as we’re spending this time together in this moment of this episode, I wonder what your relationship is with restriction? What would it mean to have unconditional permission to feel what you feel, to take up the space that you take up, to eat what your body is hungry for, to move in the direction of pleasure and joy without needing to do something to earn the right to it?

Dawn Serra: And, as we ask ourselves those questions, also blowing it up a little bit and asking who, culturally, is spending the majority of their time restricting and attempting to shrink themselves? I think we have a sense of who does that. Then, what does that say about who gets to use their power and their energy for showing up in the world, for creating change and who is dedicated to giving their power away in service to shrinking and to fitting this external ideal? So, I just want us to hold that and think about that. It impacts the ways we do relationship and sex very much. 

 

Something else that I wanted to circle back to is a couple of episodes ago, I mentioned Nora Samaran’s book, “Turn This World Inside Out”. There are two ideas or quotes from the book I’ve been talking through with people in my life and really spending some time with. So, I want to share those with you. 

Dawn Serra: The first is this quote from the final chapter and it reads, “The idea that we have relational responsibility only to those humans we love and no responsibility toward anyone else, is destroying the very fabric of human connection in Western societies. Disconnection is not our physiological reality. That sense of disconnection is an illusion. To build a healthy community, then, we need to understand that we have deep relational responsibilities toward even those humans whom we have not chosen and with whom we do not share deep intimacy or even friendship.”

If you’re like me, you’ve probably seen a meme that’s made the rounds many times over the past few years. It essentially talks about men who are only kind and helpful towards women that they want to fuck. So, it’s really important to pay attention to how men treat women that they don’t find attractive. It’s a very transactional approach to relationships, isn’t it? If I’m only helpful and charming with people I want access to or want something from and I treat everyone else as invisible or disposable, then that says a lot about what I’m going to do to the people in my life once I no longer need or want something from them.

Dawn Serra: I think Nora is speaking to this on a much larger scale. If we want to shift the culture, if we want to feel more supported, if we want to experience more healing and love and connection, we need community. And, we have to rediscover the threads of humanity that bind us to those we share land with and space with, those we work with and pass on the street and see the responsibility and how we all do impact each other.

I think that this is something that we really do need to consider in our most intimate relationships. The responsibility that we have to these other human beings and really noticing into the impact of our behavior and actions (or lack of actions) and how those changes things for others. We have the responsibility to the people in our lives for recognizing that. 

Dawn Serra: And, I think this is also something we need to consider just in how we move through the world. Is our money going to local businesses and local families and small businesses or to multi-billionaires who abuse their employees? Is our relationship with the land we live on one of stewardship and care or is it one of consumption and dominance? Because all of these impact our bodies in very real ways – the air we breathe, the water we drink, the access we have to things we need – and that, in turn, impacts our ability to feel resourced and in integrity and present in our lives. That really plays out in how we love each other, how we feel pleasure, how we have sex. All of it.

So, I wonder, what kind of relational responsibilities have you been ignoring or denying? I’m asking myself these questions right now. What kind of emotional labor are you asking from those who you love without even realizing it? What kind of assumptions are you making about their needs? And, what kinds of relational responsibilities do you hold near and dear to your heart and how are they serving those around you, not just the people you love most? But, how is that impacting the larger community you’re in?

Dawn Serra: All of this brings me to the second passage which is in another chapter of “Turn This World Inside Out” and the chapter is all about accountability and repair. As we think about things like emotional labor, as we think about the ways men often deny women’s pain or police their emotions and bodies, as we think about the ways that racism plays out, as we think about ableism and fatphobia, Nora writes, 

“Imagine how it feels to speak and find it is as if you haven’t spoken. Not that people don’t believe you, but they actually cannot hear you, as though you are speaking gibberish or not speaking at all.” She goes on, “Put yourself in those shoes. How long, how many days and weeks and months, would you retain your sanity while speaking kindly and asking for harm to stop and having it seem as though you had not spoken at all?” Nora continues, “What if one of the effects of trauma is that after speaking calmly without being heard for so long or after having the words get trapped in the still waters of their body, the survivor can no longer speak and can only scream?”

Dawn Serra: That hit me so hard when I read it and I’ve been thinking about that so much. As we think about relational responsibility, I think a really big part of that responsibility is in allowing people who have been continually harmed at a cultural and systemic level – and, also to a much more personal level – to be angry and ugly and to scream with rage and despair and to not need to make it nice for us. For the rest of us, in response to that, to not recoil, to not claim that we’ve been harmed because their rage made us uncomfortable but instead, to really hold it and honor it and to witness it and to do our best to change the conditions that led to the trauma and the harm and the erasure in the first place.

So, I think this means– This is something I talk about all the time but we all need to do the uncomfortable, hard, confronting more, to develop more resilience and capacity for being with intense emotions, for knowing that even if we caused harm, when we caused hard, when we do things that we don’t like or we aren’t proud of that it doesn’t make us disposable or bad. 

Dawn Serra: I think so much of what we explore on the show is in allowing ourselves to feel uncomfortable and uncertain and unsure but to still reach out for connection, to trust that there’s something really extraordinary on the other side of awkwardness. For me, relational responsibility means allowing uncertainty, allowing mistakes, naming harm when it happens and doing what we can to change the circumstances that allowed the harm in the first place, which is often so much bigger than just an individual needing to change.

All of these impacts how we date, how we love, how we experience pleasure, how we connect or isolated we feel, how supported or rejected we feel, how present we can be in our body. If we really want a culture of belonging and deep support, where violence is rare and we have the resources that we all need to thrive in life, we have to start rejecting entitlement and this toxicity of hyperindividualism, which tells us it’s on us and only us and we don’t have to be responsible for anybody else. It really means reckoning with how we show up in the world and how we show up in relationship and in community.

Dawn Serra: Anyway, I’ve been super geeking out so hard on all sorts of new books and questions about how we can all increase our access to pleasure and connection and healing and how in order to do that, it also means doing some really hard, ugly, scary work to get there, which is I love that stuff. But, I just wanted to share some of the things that have been coming up for me that I’m feeling into.

Okay. Let’s get on with the show. The first email for this week’s episode comes from Chelsea. And, Chelsea writes: “Hi Dawn! I just started listening to Sex Gets Real on Spotify last week and I’m starting at the very beginning. I’m already on Episode 74. I listen all day at work – naughty. 

Dawn Serra: I’ve been separated from an abusive husband for almost a year and have had absolutely no luck with dating. I have always been a very sexual person but being in an abusive relationship really oppressed a lot of my personality. I have recently started exploring myself again and what I want. 

I am currently single and have just bought a ticket to a Dungeon/Warehouse party in my area. I know nothing about the rules.  Am I okay to go alone as a single/straight female. I really want to explore all my desires and fantasies but I’m so nervous! I’ve always had body issues. I’m not fat but nowhere near toned and I’ve had a baby. So, what does one wear to an event like this? I love your podcast. You and Dylan have helped me realize a lot about myself in the past week! I can’t wait to get through the next 200 episodes! Chelsea”

Dawn Serra: Chelsea! Thank you so much for listening and for writing in. Holy smokes! Going all the way back to the beginning is a big deal. There’s a lot to hear and a lot has changed too. I also just want to say I’m so sorry to hear about the abusive situation you were in and I’m really, really glad that you are separated and out of that situation. Also, I just want to say congratulations on buying a ticket to that Dungeon/Warehouse party which sounds like it has the potential to be so fun.

Here’s where I would start. You said you know nothing about the rules. Now, all dungeons and all parties that might have some type of sexual contact or play happening should have rules about what’s acceptable, what’s not, what’s expected, how to dress, how to deal with problems. If you ever go to a play party or a dungeon or a sexuality event where they don’t have community guidelines and safety protocol, to me, that would be a very clear sign that this is not a sex positive and consent-focused event.

Dawn Serra: Usually when you go to buy a ticket, the rules and guidelines are something you have to opt into before buying and/or immediately after buying you get a page or an email with everything that you need to know. So, if that didn’t happen – it sounds like it didn’t – I would contact the organizer and ask for them. They should have them handy and they should be super happy to share them with you because any organizer worth their salt wants attendees to feel safe and to have fun so that they come back and spread the word. And, that happens through really clear and enforced boundaries.

Assuming you’re able to get those dungeon rules and guidelines and assuming that they sound good to you, the next thing I would do is reach out to the organizer and let them know you’re a single woman who really wants to attend the event and ask some questions. Do they have a meetup beforehand for single women? Do they have a group on Fetlife you can join or a Facebook group where you can meet some of the folks attending ahead of time? Also, ask about dungeon monitors who are going to be at the event. Usually, dungeon monitors or safety monitors will have some type of armband or a special t-shirt on to make them easy to find.

Dawn Serra: When you arrive, introducing yourself to the dungeon monitors and the organizer can be really helpful. Ask them how the evening usually unfolds, what to expect, how you can make the most of it. They should, if they’re good hosts want to help you find a way to make the most of this. I would also really recommend asking around on Fetlife if anyone has attended other events by this organizer or this group and what kinds of experiences that they’ve had.

The groups and organizers who really care and center safety and consent will often have some type of accountability process already established and behavior guidelines that are posted either to their website or to their event page. I think it’s also important to really look for organizers who make a name for themselves by hosting sexy events like these who don’t have some type of process in place for dealing with harm because time after time after time and pretty much every major city in the U.S., there have been situations where organizers and hosts are so concerned with how the event impacts them and how it looks that they center that over any harm that’s happened. So, that’s something I’d definitely keep an eye out for now.

Dawn Serra: What is the guideline? Who’s enforcing them? What’s community accountability look like? What are the things that they’ve done in the past? Being really transparent around them, I think, is a fantastic way to know these organizers are really sex positive and committed to community building rather than just making a buck. Now, whether this event has all of those things or none of those things, you can still go and have a really good time. 

I think one of the most important things to remember whenever you’re doing something like a sex party or a dungeon event or something like an orgy or a threesome, is to really hold an abundance mindset. There’s always going to be more opportunities down the road. If that’s true, if there will be more opportunities down the road, then what do I want to really commit myself to this time around, decide before you go what your limits are going to be knowing that the next time there’s an event or the next time there’s an opportunity for group sex, you can always try something else. Because you can always do more the next time but you can’t undo what happens once it does. 

Dawn Serra: So, it can be really tempting to want to do all the things all at once and to just let all these huge feelings wash over us. But, I think that there can be something really beautiful and ahead of time checking in with ourselves before we get into that really heady, overwhelming, altered state. What would feel good? What would I love to have happene? What don’t I want to happen? What are some of those things in the middle that I might need to decide there? Then, to really give yourself permission to stick to that.

I usually like going to an event and mostly watching the first time. It gets– It gives me a chance to get a feel for the dynamics of the space and it’s made me feel so much more prepared to be able to really let go later on. It’s also really helpful to ask yourself how you do under pressure. Because as a single woman, going into a sexualized space, you’re going to have a very different experience than a lot of people would – if they were going as a couple or if they were men. 

Dawn Serra: If someone is persistently pushing you to do something, are you the kind of person who’s going to eventually cave in or go silent or are you the kind of person who would get more assertive and really stand up to them and up for yourself? If a couple is pursuing you, how would that feel? What if one half of the couple came up and then, the other half came up later after play started?

Dungeons and parties can be liberating and beautiful and validating and pleasurable and shocking and surprising and so many things. I have some amazing memories of so many of the things that I’ve done in the past. But, it’s also really important to know bad things can happen at them, too. So, this is a place where if we’re going to really come into these situations with a lot of deliberate intent, it’s  important that you really know yourself, know the situations where you start to shut down or you start to clam up or it gets hard to advocate for yourself. Then, think about how you can work with that truth. It’s not about trying to be someone different, it’s about saying, “Here’s where I start to feel really disempowered. Here’s a situation where it’s hard for me to advocate for myself. How do I work with that to ensure that this opportunity at this party is fun and safe and exactly what I’m hoping for.”

Dawn Serra: As for your question about what to wear, I would definitely ask around about the dress code and what people usually wear to the event. I have seen everything. Everything! From onesies, pyjamas with an animal head to the fanciest of fancy cocktail gowns. Dylan used to wear everything from jeans and a t-shirt to this really fancy leather pants and a really tight button-up with a tie. I’ve worn everything from slacks and a sweater to a corset and a really cute skirt to a tiny little dress over my super sexy underthings, knowing the dress wasn’t going to stay on very long.

You’re going to see so many different kinds of bodies – fat bodies, scarred bodies, disabled bodies, older bodies, hairy bodies, trans and queer bodies. I will say, if you don’t see any body diversity in the people who are attending, that’s also a major red flag for me in a really big way. So, also, just note that. Usually, at events like this, you’re going to see a big, huge range of bodies. As soon as you see all the other people and how they look, there’s just this permission and like “Well, everyone’s here in their bodies so let me be here in mine.” In my experiences, people love dressing up for dungeon nights and parties. It’s a chance to wear your fetish gear, to wear your harnesses, to really express yourself. So, I would say for you, Chelsea, whatever feels sexy and fun is just right. 

Dawn Serra: The other reason I suggest asking about those rules is because a lot of venues have a streetwear rule where whatever you wear into and out of the club needs to abide by the laws and the culture of that city/area you’re in. For example, the dungeon that I would go to in DC, you couldn’t come in or leave the dungeon in a jockstrap and harness or a g-string and a bra. Instead, you had to come in wearing street clothes and then there was a changing area just inside the door where everyone would either change or take off all their overthings and then they’d have their fun time look.

The other thing that I really want to say about dungeons and play parties is that often they have some type of 101 night. Those are really, really great. It gives you an opportunity to not only get to know the space but also to get to know some of the people and to check out the vibe. Ask if there’s a mantra meetup or a 101 before the actual warehouse party.

Dawn Serra: The only other thing that’s coming to mind is, I have learned this through FrozenMaursault, who was on the show ages ago talking about BDSM, but even if a place has the strictest of strict rules around body fluids, there are always, always, always people who have no idea what they’re doing, who get some kind of fluid on their hands or on their glove and then they touch the wall, they touch the door handles, they touch the faucet or the furniture while covered in that cum, sweat or blood. So, just be mindful of what you touch, where on yourself you touch, be sure to wash your hands well before touching yourself or others. I definitely recommend gloving up. Gloves go on just before touching starts and come off immediately after touching hands..That’s my go-to.That way you’re not wandering around with all the things all over you and potentially leaving stuff in other places for people. So, lots of safety and lots of planning upfront means there’s so many more opportunities for safe, fun, delicious, pleasurable play later on. 

I also recommend only playing with people who are really, really eager to hear both your yes and your no. People who ask a lot of questions about your experience, your needs, your wants and who offer information about their needs and wants really clearly and specifically. Specificity is crucial when you’re negotiating a scene. If you’re ever going to play with someone who really markets themselves as an expert, another thing that you can really do is ask them about mistakes they’ve made in the past and what they did to repair them. All experts have fucked up. All experts have fucked up and they should be able to speak to that really clearly and openly. Anyone who says they’ve never made any mistake or who blows off the question is something that I would be really wary of trusting my body with.

Dawn Serra: So, I hope you have a phenomenal time. I hope you can get a little more information so that you can make some really great decisions and that this is the first of many explorations of your sexual self. Just starting here knowing the sky is the limit on the other side. Have fun, Chelsea!

This next email about orgasms comes from Amy. It reads: “Hi Dawn! My husband and I listen to your podcast together all the time so I thought I would write to you to get your input on an interesting situation.

Dawn Serra: My husband and I have been together for 8 years. I am now 46. About a year into our relationship, for the duration of about a month, I had the most mind-blowing orgasms I’ve ever had in my entire life. Each time it was while my husband manually stimulated my clitoris. When I say mind-blowing, I mean out-of-body, screaming in ecstasy, tears streaming down my face. It sounds crazy but I seriously felt myself leave my body, as if I was hovering about a foot above myself. Each time I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably afterwards, just completely overwhelmed with emotion. I joked with my husband that I feel like I went back in time. But, honestly, it wasn’t that far-off. It was the greatest sexual experience in my entire life. I’ve never felt that way before and sadly, since.

My question is this, ‘What happened?’ ‘Was it a g-spot orgasm?’ More importantly, ‘What happened that I can’t do it anymore?’ As I said, this only happened maybe five times for the duration of a month. It ended as mysteriously as it began. Have you ever heard of such a thing? I’ve never even come close to achieving this level of orgasm again. Absolutely nothing changed: location, technique, etc. I never went in with the expectation of it happening and didn’t put any pressure on myself about it. It just happened and then, didn’t. Maybe it’s just like witnessing Haley’s Comet. We should just feel lucky we got to experience it once in our lifetime. But, I’d rather witness a meteor shower! Any input would be appreciated. With love and thanks, Amy”

Dawn Serra: Oh! Thank you so much for tuning into the show, Amy, and hello to your husband. So, the first thing I’ll say is if your husband was manually stimulating your clitoris then it was definitely a clitoral orgasm. Our internal clitoris body is actually quite big. It wraps around through urethra and along the vaginal canal and it goes down along the sides of where your labia are. The clitoral internal structure is quite big. If you’re doing an external clitoral stimulation and you’re really aroused and that entire network is swollen and engorged with blood, all kinds of yummy things can happen. Essentially, internally or externally, it’s all perk of that larger clitoral structure.

I also just want to say what an awesome experience you had! It sounds like that ecstatic, mind-blowing orgasm that created an actual altered state was amazing. I really love how you closed your email: “Maybe it’s just like witnessing Haley’s Comet. Maybe, we should just feel lucky we got to experience it once in our lifetime.”

Dawn Serra: Our bodies are amazing and they are constantly changing. In our aging-phobic, youth-obsessed culture, change is something we tend to avoid at all costs. We’re so terrified of our bodies changing and we collectively spend so much money essentially trying to mummify ourselves while we’re still alive so that we won’t be in a body that changes. Because, culturally speaking, being in a body that changes is to become invisible and discarded.

So, I bring that up because our bodies have all sorts of stories that they carry, changes that they move in and out of. Hormonal shifts and fluctuations can totally occur depending on lots of different factors. And, because hormonal shifts are one of the primary reasons people going through menopause often experience a change in orgasm, maybe during that period of your month of ecstasy, your body was experiencing some type of hormonal search or shift.

Dawn Serra: I also wonder about the context of that month. You know, context has a much bigger impact on our ability to experience pleasure than most of us ever realize. So, often, the context with which we’re experiencing our lives is completely invisible to us. It can be really hard to look back and think about all the factors that were impacting that particular moment in time. If we’re getting really solid sleep because of a new mattress or a new eye mask or a medicine that were temporarily on for allergies, that can drastically change how we feel moving through our days to have all that rest. If we’re experiencing some really subtle shifts in stress just this like slow drip because of a project at work or something, that can drastically change how we experience desire and emotional regulation.

So, I’m curious if something in that month was a huge swirling convergence of lots of smaller influences that just happened to result in this opportunity to experience your body and pleasure in a new and unexpected way. I mean, maybe leading up to that month, you were sleeping better than you had because you were happily stretching into this new relationship. You were still feeling that new relationship energy excitement but starting to really feel into the depth of that potential which allowed you to access new levels of surrender and vulnerability. Maybe your vitamins changed at the same time that you started eating more foods that brought you pleasure, at the same time that a nagging problem with a friend resolved itself, at the same time that your body released some old stories about trauma.

Dawn Serra: Radical changes in orgasm can sometimes indicate things like endometriosis or hormonal changes or fibroids. But, usually, that’s going from being orgasmic to a loss of orgasm rather suddenly. It sounds like the opposite happened for you. And, it makes me think maybe there was just something really special about that month. Maybe both of you felt that magical period of time in a really unique way and you were able to feel into that place in a way that hasn’t been available since then because life changed and commitments came up. I think that that’s also really hopeful because it means there are all the potentials in the world, that more changes are ahead for you – maybe it’s a similar experience or an entirely new relationship with your orgasms and body around the corner. Maybe Haley’s Comet will pass by again once, twice, even a dozen more times in this lifetime for you and maybe not. 

It really does sound like a precise and special experience to be able to treasure and I’m curious, is there’s a way for you to hold gentle curiosity about what comes next? Be it more mind-blowing orgasms or not. Because based on how you worded your email… I’m sure you know this. I’m speaking this more to other people who are listening. But, when we strive or push to try and make a really specific sexual experience happen, it often means it’s much less likely that it will happen. Our bodies know when we’re placing expectations of performance on them. And, even when we tell ourselves that we aren’t doing that, that we’re not really invested in the outcome, our bodies know the deep down truth that we aren’t willing to admit to ourselves. Our bodies feel that expectation, that disappointment, that pressure. 

Dawn Serra: So, can you orient in the direction of pleasure in your now-body and your current life while marveling at this amazing experience you had for that one month a few years ago? There is a chance it might happen again or that something else that’s totally unexpected happens. My hope is for you, Amy, that you’ll be n a place where you can really savor and enjoy whatever comes next. I have definitely had an experience where I had something really intense happened. Something really special happened. It was a one-time thing or a short, fleeting thing and I know you are not alone in having this surprise experience and then, finding that you moved away from it.

I hope this was helpful. I just gave you some questions to ask and some things to hold. It sounds amazing and it might be a really fun place to do some playful experimenting without all the expectation of creating something from the past. I hope more delicious ecstasy is in your future, Amy!

Dawn Serra: This next email comes from LadyShyzune, who I’m going to be referring to as Shy because Shy’s email is really long and really complicated. So, instead of reading the whole email, I’m going to read a little at the beginning. Then, I’ve gone through it a bunch of times and made a bullet list of what seem like the most important dynamics and notes that will help us make sense of all of this. Then, I’ll close with a few sentences of Shy’s own words.

Shy starts off with: “Hi Dawn. I just wanted to say thank you so much for providing such a wonderful plethora of resources and opportunities for people to learn and experience new ways of thinking and loving. I’ve been listening for a couple of years now on and off between audiobooks and it has been a blast and very much enlightening to my life. It helps give me pause and reflect on my life to help change and improve the quality of it dramatically. I come to you today with a bit of a sharing or expression to what has happened to me over the past couple years with my family. I’m a transwoman who has lost all but one blood relative and my heart yearned for stable family I can trust and love in my life…”

Dawn Serra: So, here’s where I’m going to read through my bullet points of Shy’s email, which is to say that these are my interpretations of Shy’s email. But, to read the email in its entirety was way too convoluted and would have taken a really long time. We’re going to use this something close to Shy’s words. 

Six years ago, Shy met her boyfriend. One year into that relationship, Shy’s friend came into the picture. She really needed some help and Shy calls this friend her sister. You’ll hear that later. This friend helped Shy understand some harmful habits that Shy had in her life. And, Shy’s sister/friend was in a really toxic dynamic with her ex and Shy helped her to get out of that. Around that time, Shy and her sister/friend became really close and Shy realized she wanted to date both this friend that she calls her sister/friend and her boyfriend. Shy shared that desire with her friend who really wasn’t up for it at the time.

Dawn Serra: Also, around that time, Shy’s friend left to go to Ohio to help out a friend who was in an abusive relationship. Shy’s boyfriend and Shy both sent their friend off wishing her luck on helping with this person. In the meantime, Shy’s boyfriend decided to get some roommates to help with rent. But, things turned really bad with them. Shy’s sister/friend and the friend that was being helped ended up in a really nasty situation. So, Shy and her boyfriend had the friend and the friend’s friend move into their already overcrowded place with the terrible roommates. 

As that happened, Shy’s sister/friend pushed Shy away emotionally and it really shattered the trust between them. There were lots of emotions and turmoil and through all of that, Shy’s boyfriend at the time was really supportive in helping with smoothing things over between Shy and her friend. They kicked the bad roommates out but Shy’s mother, around that time, ended up having to move in with them because Shy’s mother was finally divorcing her father who was emotionally abusive. At this point, Shy’s mother is in the house, isn’t getting therapy and is using Shy as her therapist. Shy’s boyfriend’s family, who’s super Christian, doesn’t approve of Shy because Shy is trans and the boyfriend is relying on Shy to help him navigate that really bad family situation. Shy gets to a point where she’s given and given and given and all she got out of it was heartache, debt, trust issues and feelings of being used. 

Dawn Serra: Amid all of these, Shy went to a dungeon where she met a woman that she really, really liked. So, Shy negotiated with her boyfriend to get together with this woman. But, the problem was that this woman was about to move out of state to move in with her boyfriend. Now, this woman, who moved out of state, is Shy’s girlfriend and Shy’s girlfriend convinced Shy to get into therapy after some self-harm happened. Then, Shy got referred to a place that’s then, really helpful.

So, here’s how Shy ends: “I learned how much of my resources I was putting into these really shitty relationships that had formed out of necessity. I started the hard work of finding new lights and accepting my feelings of what they are and listening to them. I learned so much about myself and where a lot of my mental decline was coming from. I was shackled, torn and put in a place where I couldn’t stand on my own without hurting anyone. So, I accepted what I needed to do and made some hard decisions for my life. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and told my family that I was leaving to move out west where my girlfriend is. I took into consideration the area she’s in and I’m all for living in the area if things don’t work out, which at this point doesn’t look likely in the slightest. A lot of shame, blame and hurt was given to me for standing up for myself but I kept with my decisions and I haven’t been happier in years. 

Dawn Serra: My girlfriend has continued to make sure I make my own decisions and not just blindly follow her words in which she gives enough but not sugarcoating or too much for me to latch on. Now that I am freed from my shackles, I can see where the co-dependence is in each of my family’s relations. I know it’s not my problem to deal with being it’s their problem. My only questions are: What are your thoughts on this situation? Are they shitty people to let me fall into those shackles I put myself in? Also, are there any tips you can give to not let this happen to others or for me to fall back into this situation? 

On a side note, seeing this finally getting typed out, I can see where the fault was in thinking things would be the same in me and my sister’s dynamic after she went to help that friend. Thank you for letting me post such a wall of text and for the opportunity to express this story to a trusted source. Lady Shyzune. P.S. If someone hasn’t told you, you have a wonderful voice that I can listen to. You have a wonderful, soothing voice that I could listen to for hours on end.”

Dawn Serra: Whew! What a wild ride, Shy! Thank you so much for trusting me with this. I hope that my synopsis got to the general spirit of what happened, even though I know it wasn’t as specific as what you’ve provided. 

It really sounds like there were a lot of unhealthy dynamics feeding each other, a lot of boundary issues from everyone involved and, ultimately, that led to your being hurt and getting burned out and harming yourself. 

Personally, I think one of the most difficult things to do is to say no to people we know are hurting. I also think part of what we’re seeing in a really dramatic fashion in your case, Shy – but that really impacts many of us in Western culture as a whole – is the burden that falls to family and close friends when we don’t have larger communities of support and access to resources, this creates so much more crisis, so much more burden. No single human should ever feel completely responsible for the well-being of so many people. We need support. We deserve support. We shouldn’t ever have to do it alone.

Dawn Serra: So much of what I’m seeing here is a deep desire to have closeness and belonging, wanting family and in that desire, over-giving and ignoring red flags and behaviors that really led to heartache and harm. I think it’s so important for us to hold that often, our deepest traumas come from relationship. But, it’s also only through relationship that we heal, which is why it’s so important that all of us learn how to take up more space and to really articulate our wants and needs and to have them met with respect. Because it’s a beautiful thing to want to help people we love. It goes back to that relational responsibility. Sometimes the responsible thing for the people in our family or our community is inconvenient or awkward or just hard for us to do. That’s just the reality. We can’t always only do things that are convenient for us.

But, I also think a key aspect to relational responsibility is being to able to say, “Here’s what I can do and here’s what I can’t. Here’s what I want to offer and here’s what I won’t do.” And, it’s really complicated when the option is someone comes to live with us, which might throw us into chaos or they end up on the streets in a really dangerous situation. Those kinds of situations are so real for so many of us. I think it’s a really, really tough place for us to navigate. I think, too often, we’re hard on ourselves for the ways we survived choices like that. 

Dawn Serra: This is where I think it can be so helpful for us to realize what’s the best I can do to take care of the immediate need? How do I stop the bleeding? How do I triage this? How can I help create a situation where less harm happens? Then, once we get over that immediate emergency, reaching out and working with others to really collaborate on finding ways out of that chaotic, emergency state. That might sound like, “How about you move in with us for four weeks and during that time, we’re all going to work together to find a new living situation for you. If you haven’t found a place in four weeks, then we’re going to need to ask some other people for help or make some other changes.”

I think, so often, when we get into a tense situation or a really urgent situation, we feel like we need to respond right away, But, often, there is time for us to take a few minutes or a few hours or maybe even a day or two, to really check in with ourselves and ask what do I feel resourced for, what can I live with, what can I give here and what isn’t mine to take on?

Dawn Serra: I think, also, we’re so collectively terrible at asking for help. That’s another place where all of us could get some practice and I think we also, often, don’t enlist the help of the person who is in crisis. Instead of trying to rush to doing something, rushing to fix, rushing to offer, which then leads us to over-extending ourselves in ways that really doesn’t serve anyone. What would happen if we were to ask that person who’s in crisis what they most need? What they’re resourced to handle? What they’ve already tried? Because that can give us all kinds of information about their needs while also giving us a chance to really think, to check in with ourselves and to learn how we can be of service without over-extending ourselves and over-offering. You might end up offering something that they feel obligated to say yes to that they never actually wanted.

Then, I think once you have a little bit of time to just check in and some information then you might start coming up with some ideas like, “Maybe I can live with them moving in with us, but only if we have X number of hours each week to be in the house by ourselves.” That’s something you can negotiate. Or, “Maybe I can’t live with them moving in, but I can ask these friends for some money to help get them set up in a temporary place, and then we’ll all work together to find more permanent options.” Or, “Maybe I just don’t have the resources to offer money or space without really putting myself in a bad situation, so who can we reach out to and start calling some organizations, ask the friend what kind of work they’re resourced for, put a request on social media for help to see what bubbles up.” There’s opportunities for us to get creative when we pause. 

Dawn Serra: I also think it’s so important for us to remember that when the people in our life – and this is especially true for people we’re really close to like family – when the people in our life benefit from us being loose with our boundaries, when the people in our life benefit from us not being able to say no, of course they’re going to feel hurt and get angry and maybe even feel betrayed when we do finally stand up for ourselves. I really want us to think about that. When someone can get away with doing something knowing we’re going to come along behind them and clean up the mess, when we finally say, “I can’t do this anymore,” it can actually make them angry and feel like a betrayal because it’s changed. I think part of the work that we all have to do is knowing that someone being disappointed in us might be really uncomfortable. It might hurt but it’s not the end of the world and we will get through that disappointment. It’s not enough to make us really cause ourselves harm by doing things we aren’t resourced for.

And, to you, Shy, it really sounds like you’ve gotten some support. You’ve changed some relationships. Now, you’re finding yourself in a much more supported and resourced place. I’m really happy that’s where you are now. I hope that that’s a place you can continue coming back to.

Dawn Serra: You know, people pleasing really does come from a well-meaning place, of us wanting to be of service, to be helpful and oftentimes, it’s also a way for us to feel more lovable, worthy and deserving. But, in the end, that often creates more harm to both the people we’re trying to help and ourselves. That’s why I loved so much when Samantha Manewitz’s advice from several episodes ago around narcissistic behavior and gaslighting was to say no early and often in our relationships. Because when people can respect our no, when people want us to tend to ourselves and our boundaries, those are the kind of people we want in our lives. When someone is not okay with our no, when someone isn’t okay with us taking care of ourselves, then it’s very likely that those people aren’t going to realize when they have overstepped boundaries and/or they will intentionally overstep boundaries because they know we’re not good at advocating for ourselves. 

Something else I want to share is Shy’s subject line was codependency. I just want to say that there’s this amazing new article by Dr. Chris Hoff – you might know as The Radical Therapist – called “The Myth of Codependency.” I think it’s a really fantastic critique of this word and this concept that we tend to use a lot – codependency. So, if you want to check out that piece… I think, Shy, you’ll really appreciate it and everyone else. It’s a great read. The link is at sexgetsreal.com/ep274 for Episode 274.

Dawn Serra: I also just want to offer a practice that we can all do around boundaries. So, if we spend some time every month or so… You can do it more often or less often. But, I think it helps to have a regular practice where we really just take a few moments to be with ourselves and ask, “What is resourcing me right now?” “What’s bringing me joy right now?” “What feels good and is nourishing me right now?” “What am I tolerating?” “What’s draining me?” What needs to be changed?” “Where am I being overextended?” or “Where am I not getting enough support?”

It’s important to note that a reflective practice doesn’t mean an action needs to happen. You don’t have to take action on information. I think so many of us avoid getting really honest with ourselves because, often, we feel like if we suddenly realize we’re unhappy about something, that we have to change all the things to immediately escape that truth as quickly as possible. And, the truth is sometimes we do need that if maybe we’re in an abusive situation or a harmful situation, we do need to escape quickly. But, that’s not always the case.

Dawn Serra: Discovering something for ourselves doesn’t mean we have to do anything different if we’re not ready or don’t want to. But, it’s helpful to know what feels good in our lives and what might need to change, so that when the opportunity for change presents itself, we’re more ready so that we can talk to people we love, we can ask for support. Having a reflective practice around what am I tolerating, what’s draining me, what doesnt feel good means that then, we’re more likely to be able to ask for what we do want and what we do need.

My hope for you, Shy, is that you continue feeling supported, that you continue noticing what is yours to take ownership of and what isn’t, that you continue feeling into what resources you and nourishes you and that you find ways to really articulate your needs when things get tough. Also, just hold so tenderly everything that you’ve been through. You tried so hard to do the best you could for so many people. 

Dawn Serra: And, there is nothing inherently wrong in that. It’s a beautiful connected impulse and desire. And, I think so many of us – myself included – don’t really learn that lesson around how to advocate for our needs until we’ve been really hurt. So, when that happens, the best we can do is pick up the pieces, reflect as compassionately as we can on the ways we survived the best that we did and what we’d like to do differently next time.   

 

Thanks so much for listening, Shy and the best of luck to you! That’s it for this week’s episode. Patreon supporters, I hope you saw last week’s bonus. It was a video of me talking about sex positivity in queer spaces. If you want to check out this week’s bonus and/or support the show, head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast for this week’s bonus and all the other bonus content. If you don’t yet support the show, throw a few bucks my way! It makes such a huge difference. I appreciate every single dollar and there’s all kinds of awesome rad things for you there.

Dawn Serra: I will be back next week and if, in the meantime, you could use some support around a place where you feel stuck, shoot me a note. My email is info at sexgetsreal dot com or you can use the contact form anonymously at sexgetsreal.com. Until next week. Bye!

Thank you to everybody who watched. I hope you had a great time. We’ll have links to Meg-John’s site and social media so that you can find them and stay tuned for more interviews. This is Dawn Serra with the Explore More Summit and we will see you next time. Bye.

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses. 

As you look towards the next week, I wonder what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?