Sex Gets Real 273: Crushing on a co-worker, book recommendations, & trouble speaking up

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This week’s episode is all about you and your questions.

I got two follow-up emails, both from people whose questions were featured in episode 271. It was great to hear from both of them, and I share a little about what I hope each of you takes from the answers I offer on this show.

Crushing wrote in because they are married and love their spouse, but they are having some kind of crush on a new co-worker. What is this? What do they do? And can they give this person a gift before they leave this job?

Crushes are totally normal, and there are so many kinds of crushes! Friend crushes, admiration crushes, appreciation crushes, sexual crushes, and many more. It sounds like Crushing is having a friend crush, but let’s talk about crushes and how we can all enjoy them and validate those feelings without being out of alignment with our values.

Tina wants to know if I have a recommended book list and Tina is in LUCK!

You can get the official Sex Gets Real Recommended Reading List full of all my favorite and most recommended books at sexgetsreal.com/books. Fill in your info and you’ll get immediate access to that list of awesome books.

You can also follow me on Goodreads which is where I track all the books I want to read, that I’m currently reading, and that I’ve read. My profile is here.

Finally, here are a few other books I’ve read recently that aren’t on the booklist:

• “Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good” by adrienne maree brown
• “Turn This World Inside Out: The Emergence of Nurturance Culture” by Nora Samaran
• Anything by Kay Pranis on community accountability and circle work
• “White Fragility” by Robin DiAngelo

And a terrific sci-fi trilogy that won the Hugo award that I ZOOMED through was “The Broken Earth Trilogy” by N.K. Jemisin. Also, if you like fiction, “Children of Blood and Bone” by Tomi Adeyemi.

Anonymous wrote in because they are unable to voice their feelings or speak about their arousal with their amazing and supportive partner. In fact, they called themself a “relationship mute”. How can they find their voice?

Follow Dawn on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.Hey you! Here we are with another episode of Sex Gets Real. 

Hey, you. Here we are with another episode of Sex Gets Real. Big bummer – my awesome microphone is on the fritz, so I’m recording this on my little earbuds and hopefully that works. But anyway, I just wanted to take a quick moment before we jump into this week’s episode to say thank you, specifically, to you. Thank you for tuning in and for taking a little of your day to be here with me. I’m feeling particularly moved by the opportunity to get to be in your ears and being here with you. 

Dawn Serra: This week, I read an article in Time Magazine all about why and how we should all have a “When I Die Folder” full of everything that our loved ones are going to need to have in order when we die. After watching my mom really struggle financially and with everything going on following my grandma’s death earlier this year, and also seeing some friends who have lost people this year and the ways that they struggled – It really hit me that this would be such a beautiful gift to the people that I love. So, I started putting my own together this week. And it’s going to have everything from passwords and accounts, to who to share the news with, to letters that I’m going to write to the people that I love – even final social media posts and what I want them to say. Part of that file is going to include a pre-recorded final podcast episode.

It’s been a very revealing process and I’m only a week into it. I think it’s going to probably take me many months to actually get everything together. I set up an appointment with a lawyer to help me with my will and my power of attorney. But it’s really bringing the things that I care deeply about into focus in ways I didn’t expect. I had no idea it would feel so freeing and empowering to get to really choose what my final words are going to be, and who gets to know how. So, I want to say that going through this process this past week and really just beginning it has really helped me to see that this podcast and you have been tremendously important to me these past 5 years. I know I’m not the best podcaster with the best experience or the best editor. I’m not super duper ambitious about it but this podcast really has woven itself into the fabric of who I’ve become. And, you – You listening are part of that because of your questions and your letters, your comments and the ways you’ve connected with me over the years, and the ways you shared with me. I just want to say thank you.

Dawn Serra: Enough about me, let’s talk about you. That’s what this week is going to be all about – I’m fielding your questions. Speaking of questions, if you have a question for me, maybe a confession, a place where you feel stuck, maybe somewhere you could use some help – you can shoot me an email. You can do that either at sexgetsreal.com using the contact form or you can email me directly at info at sexgetsreal dot com because I would love to hear from you. Each and every one of your emails just feels like such a gift and a little present that I get to unwrap. So, thank you so much for those of you who have emailed me. And for those of you who have been thinking about it or who have had something come up, please do reach out. 

I also want to remind you that I am now transcribing all of my podcast episodes. So, it does take a number of hours to transcribe each episode. I try to have the transcript up at the same time that the episode gets released out into the airwaves but sometimes it takes another day or two to get that done. But if you go to sexgetsreal.com for any of the recent episodes, there are full transcripts which makes the podcast way more accessible. So, I’m super excited about that. We’re going to be slowly working our way backwards but I think maybe the most recent 20 episodes or so have a transcript so please do check that out each week at sexgetsreal.com.

Dawn Serra: I’m also still accepting new clients for both my online coaching and my new in-person coaching opportunities with my office that I have in downtown Vancouver on Fridays. If you could use a little support around body acceptance, desire, communication, pleasure, and anything around that – You can go to dawnserra.com and learn more about my coaching practice.

So, let’s get started. A few weeks ago – I think it was 2 weeks ago, I fielded a listener question from someone talking about being in love with two people. They had a fiancé and they had this person who was from their past, and they weren’t sure how to choose because they felt like they needed to. I received a follow-up email after that episode aired and it reads:

“Oh, my god. Thank you so much for this. I’m a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I was confused and didn’t know who to pick: someone I have crazy sexual chemistry with or someone who is understanding, caring, calls me on my bullshit, and is actually present. Thank you. You have cleared my mind. Lots of love always. You are awesome!”

Dawn Serra: I’m so glad I was able to play a small part, a super small part, in helping with some clarity and I totally appreciate the follow-up, too! I love hearing from people after I’ve had the chance to respond to their questions. Something that I really want to offer to all of you is that I really, truly acknowledge I am not the expert in your lives. I’m not the expert in your bodies or your relationships or your values or your stories – no one is. If anyone pretends to be, run the other way because you see a lot of mental health professionals and doctors who want to assume they know you in ways they couldn’t possibly. I might have some experience interacting with people in similar situations, with similar questions, or fears. I might have worked with people who have very similar stories and traumas to you. I have done all kinds of learning and training, and certification and education but I don’t know the nuance of your specific situation, of your questions because those things are completely unique to you. And I always, always, always recognize that.

So, my hope is that no matter who you are, if you write into the show or if you’re listening, that you know that everything I offer is really just that: an offering. I trust you to take what works and to leave the rest. I trust you to reflect and ask yourself questions using the ones that I pose to maybe help you find your way. But you, and only you, know what it’s like to live your life and move through the world as you. I definitely try my best to be thorough in looking at things from multiple angles, considering different perspectives, reflecting on all the other people that I’ve interacted with that maybe have something similar, the conversation I’ve had. But I can never actually know your truth and your life. Anyway, thank you so much to the person who just followed up and I’m so glad you feel more clarity now. It sounded like you were super confused so yay for more clarity.

Dawn Serra: Speaking of follow-up, I got another follow-up from the same episode – episode 271. Violeta had written in about being from Mexico and developing feelings for someone in the U.S. but because of the current government administration and the very tense relations between the United States and Mexico, and all of the xenophobia that United States folks have – Violeta was finding that she wasn’t able to travel and that the relationship was experiencing a strain. So, Violeta wrote back to me and the subject line said: “Thank youuuuu.” The email says: 

“Oh my god! I never thought that I would be on this last episode. It felt amazing! I’m thankful for your words and thoughts. Thank you very, very much for your solidarity. I will think about every word you said and I’m sure everything will be alright because I’m acting with my heart and with the generosity I’ve learned from you in order to express myself and my feelings. I also have learned so much about my own judgements about American people because I know that there are a lot of people like you helping the world to be a better place. Hugs from Mexico again.”

Hugs right back to you, Violeta. I’m so sorry, again, for the xenophobia that’s running completely rampant through the U.S.. I mean, the U.S. has a 400 year history of being racist and totally based on patriarchy, and there’s a huge legacy of violence that needs to be atone for, but I do hope that there’s going to be a small shift that happens when the current administration changes that’s going to allow you, at a minimum, to be able to travel in the U.S. again to see people you care about whether it’s this person or other people. So, just know I’m sending so much love your way and I know there’s a lot of people who are really angry about how things are and want it to be different.

Dawn Serra: Our next listener question comes from Crushing. So, you can probably guess what the email is about. Their subject line reads, “I can’t explain this crush?”

“Hey Dawn! So, here’s the scoop: I’ve got a crush on my coworker or something. I can’t stop thinking about them. They are here for the summer, but something about her is mesmerizing to me. It’s not lust. I want to say it’s their mind and just their aura. We have similar interests and are similar types of people. She’s way smarter than I am, but we still seem to enjoy chatting at break time. Am I ridiculous? I’m married and love my spouse. Why do I have these feelings or whatever this is on this coworker? I don’t find myself thinking of them in a lust form. I went on vacation for a week and they were still on my mind. It got a little better, but now that I’m back to work, I still see them working and think of them. I just enjoy their company and them as a person. *sigh* Maybe our energies are on the same frequency as in who we are as people, and that’s what it is? Would I be wrong to give them a gift card or a small gift before they go back to their normal job in the Fall? Obviously, I can’t tell them I have a crush. But, do you think it might be obvious to them if they are paying close enough attention? I worry about that. Thanks for listening! – Crushing.”

Dawn Serra: Crushing, thank you so much for writing to me. It really sounds like your coworker is ushering in some yummy, crushy feelings. It sounds like it feels good but at the same time, a little confusing. So, here’s where I want to start. You are not ridiculous. We are complex, multi-faceted creatures with this wide range of interests, hungers, feelings, and desires. We can feel so many things at the same time – sadness and gratitude, exhaustion and elation, love while we’re confused, and despairing. You can love your spouse, and have fun appreciative feelings about others at the same time. 

When we interact with other humans, we’ll have a vast range of responses to them from disgust to total ambivalence, to feeling a little rush of something for some reason. Ultimately, our responsibility is in choosing what we do with those feelings and how we behave as a result of them. Depending on who you ask, they’re probably going to offer you some different answer to your “why.” Maybe something in you felt unappreciated or undesired when your crush started chatting with you and that gave you a place to feel seen and appreciated. Maybe you’ve been feeling stressed and stuck, and your crush gave you a chance to feel something a little more fun and interesting, and so that felt meaningful. Maybe your crush is just super fun and smart and cool, and you like super fun, smart, cool people. So, you’re feeling into that appreciation. Or maybe something about their smell or their smile, or the sound of their voice triggered something in you that was hungry or nostalgic. 

Dawn Serra: There’s a bazillion reasons why this might be happening and I think that the “why” is less important than the fact that it’s true – you do have this crush. It also sounds like you’re monogamously married, so it’s also important to consider the relationship you have with your wife and whatever your agreements are, spoken and unspoken, around crushes. You aren’t doing anything wrong in feeling these feelings. Our feelings are simply what they are. The more that we can allow our feelings to be true and to accept them, the more easily it is for us to move through them. 

Emily Nagoski likes to say, “Our feelings are like tunnels. The more we can feel our feelings and allow them to be true, the more quickly we tend to move through them into other feelings.” Crushes can be fun and that’s just how they are. That’s part of why they’re called a crush – it’s that little rush of adrenaline and want, that endless potential of what might happen because nothing has actually happened yet. It’s that beating of your heart, the anticipation of seeing them – those are really heady mixes of chemicals and body responses. 

Dawn Serra: I think it’s also important for all of us to note – we can have all kinds of crushes. We can have friend crushes, sexual lusty-filled crushes, admiration crushes on people who are doing amazing things in the world that make us feel powerful things like artists. Artists can evoke admiration crushes, and so many other kinds. You mentioned that this doesn’t seem to feel like a sexual thing, there’s not really a sexual element to the crush or lust, so maybe what your really having is a friendly-admiration type crush or something else entirely. 

I get crushes on people who make art that moves me all the time. It’s fleeting and it’s sweet, and it feels good but they don’t know me and I don’t know them. Something about their art allowed me to feel something that maybe I haven’t felt before or that I’ve been wanting to feel more of. And so, I feel this connection to that person. So many different kinds of crushes. 

Dawn Serra: Based on what you shared, it almost sounds like a friend crush. Someone you get to be yourself around, who appreciates you, and you just really like their company and look forward around them. When I was in my early twenties, I often had to move through romantic crush feelings to get to a really deep friendship feelings, specifically with folks that I was a little teeny bit attracted to. And then on the other side of that romantic crush rush would come this really deep, grateful connection of friendship. Many times, those became really important friendships to me.

I think the question, for you, is how can you validate and honor that you are having these feelings in a way that acknowledges your truth without betraying yourself or your spouse? I think that’s the tricky part for most people around crushes because so few of us have the tools or the practice or the emotional intelligence, honestly, to really allow ourselves to feel this sense of want, this sense of attraction, this sense of arousal – and to allow ourselves to simply be in the feelings without any need for action. Sometimes the yummiest part of a crush is just getting to feel that crush rush. Can you allow this crush to be true? Can you really enjoy these feelings without needing it to be different? Without needing to take action?

Dawn Serra: I think, as for whether or not they know about your crush, it totally depends on the person and how you’ve been behaving. Some people notice crush-worthy body language and behavior and others are completely oblivious to it. You can hit them over the head with a 2 x 4 crush-feelings and they would never pick up on it.And for people who do pick up on it, some people aren’t bothered by it at all because, ultimately, crush feelings are rarely about the person we’re crushing on and more about us. 

So, for a lot of people who have been in situations like this before, being crushed on just feels really nice and really flattering but they know it’s either fleeting or it’s really about the other person being in this energy. Other people are really repelled by it and there’s no way to know without asking your crush if they know but it sounds like you don’t want to do that. So, this just gets to remain a yummy little mystery, and there’s a lot of those in life. What do you need to do to allow that to be true?

Dawn Serra: You also asked about a gift. I think this gift is more for you than it is for them – a way for you to acknowledge the crush and to do something that has a ritual or a meaningful element to send them off. That’s not to say that it’s wrong and that you shouldn’t do it, but I do think that acknowledging or investigating your motivations could be really helpful here. Is this more for you because of the meaning behind it or is this really about them? Also, really thinking – is this about friendship or is this about a desire that hasn’t been named yet?

Giving a small send-off gift to a friend might have a really different meaning to the relationship that you have with your spouse than a small send-off gift to someone that you are having more intimate or sexual feelings with. I think the question is, would giving this gift align with your personal values and the relationship that you’ve cultivated with your spouse?

Dawn Serra: For some couples, having crushes, giving little gifts to people you care about would not, in any way, violate the relationship even if they’re monogamous. Some couples make space in their relationship for the fact that we’re human beings and we move in and out of all sorts of feelings and little crushes and friendships over the course of our lives. Other people who are monogamous – that would be a major violation of trust. Only you and your spouse can really answer that. If it’s something you’re hiding from your spouse or you wouldn’t want them to know about, then it’s probably not a behavior that aligns with whatever your relationship agreements are. Then in that case, I would advise against it.

The last thing that I want to ask around this is: what about this energy that you feel with your crush might be something that you can invoke or invite in with people who have relationships with in your life? What are you hungry for? What would feel delicious to feel more of? What might contribute to fostering more of that with your spouse or with existing friendships? Maybe you don’t have many friendships and you’re longing for some people who can validate and support you, that you could talk to in really meaningful ways outside of your marriage. That would probably be a really healthy thing for everyone in your life – if you have more support and more friends. 

Dawn Serra: I hope that’s helpful, Crushing. Crushes are normal. It’s something that happens to lots of us in big and small ways. There’s nothing wrong with the feelings you’re experiencing. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity to turn towards yourself, your life, and your relationships with some curiosity; to see if, maybe, there’s something this person’s offering that you want more of and a way for you to bring that crush-tastic energy that you’re experiencing with this co-worker into your life in a more extended and sustainable way that feeds your relationships – your marriage and your friendships, etc. And I hope that these last few weeks with your crush, before summer ends, feels amazing. Thank you so much for listening and for asking. This was super fun.

Dawn Serra: This next email comes from Tina and it says:

“Hello, Dawn. I’ve been a huge fan of your podcast for several years now. I was wondering if you have your recommended reading list available. You are such an inspiration to me! I’m so grateful for all you do. Cheers, Tina”

Well, hello, Tina. Thank you so much for writing in and asking about books because – Oh my god. I love books. I literally have 18 books that I need to read from publishers right now and it’s kind of super exciting and daunting. So, yeah. I have thoughts on books. I actually do have a recommended book list that you can download. I updated it earlier this year. And everyone – every single person listening can get it for free. You can grab it at sexgetsreal.com/books. You just put in your name and email address in, and that does subscribe you to my newsletter. I don’t email very often at all. But, in subscribing, you get this PDF that I put together and it has lots of my favorite and most recommended books. Everything from sex to body acceptance to kink and trauma, and beyond.

Dawn Serra: So, if you want that, sexgetsreal.com/books. That said, the list doesn’t have any of the books I’ve read in the past few months that are share-worthy. Another way that you can check out the books that I’m really liking or that I’m reading – I’m on Goodreads. If you’re on Goodreads, that’s where I track the books that I want to read, that I’m currently reading, and that I have read. I don’t always have time to write reviews but I do try to always leave a rating to the books that I’ve finished. So, there’s a link for my profile at sexgetsreal.com/ep273/ because this is episode 273. If you go to sexgetsreal.com/ep273/, there’s a link to my Goodreads profile there and you can follow me or just check out my bookshelves.

I’ve also got some links to these books that I’m about to mention. A couple of books that I’ve read in the past couple of months or since I updated that booklist that you can get that I really want to mention are: “Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good” by adrienne maree brown. You’ve heard me talk about that. adrienne’s been on the show. It’s amazing. I also highly recommend a brand new book out by Nora Samaran called “Turn This World Inside Out:The Emergence of Nurturance Culture” which I also mentioned on the show. I’m also super digging all of Kay Pranis’s books on community accountability and circle work. I think there’s some really, really juicy stuff in different ways to be in relationship, and to hold ourselves and each other accountable that really un-does the criminal justice approach and this really toxic hero-villain approach we got in our culture. And then, of course, “White Fragility” by Robin DiAngelo. And, if you’re into fiction, I just finished– I mean, I literally zoomed through 3,000 pages of this amazing sci-fi trilogy that won the Hugo Award called “The Broken Earth Trilogy” by N.K. Jemisin. They were awesome and really interesting, and definitely the undercurrents were very much about racism and classism, and the ways we’re exploiting the Earth. It was so smart and really interesting. So, definitely check that out if you like fiction. Also, amazing fiction book, “Children of Blood and Bone” by Tomi Adeyemi. So, check that out too.

Dawn Serra: As for what I’m reading right now of the 18 books that are waiting for my eyeballs, I’m in the process of reading “Screw Consent” by Joseph Fischel. Aida Manduley who has been on the show and spoken at Explore More actually has this amazing Twitter thread because they are reading “Screw Consent” as well. So, check that out. And, I’m also reading, “I Hope We Choose Love” by Kai Cheng Thom. So far, I’m only one chapter in. It’ definitely– I think I’m going to like this. So, I will report back on those because I’m actually hoping to have both of the authors on the show. Their publishers sent me those books so hopefully we’ll be able to make that happen. 

Essentially, to answer you question, Tina. There is a recommended booklist that you can download for free if you go to sexgetsreal.com/books and fill in your information or you can follow me on Goodreads and my Goodreads profile is at sexgetsreal.com/ep273/. Thank you so much for tuning in, Tina, and for asking. Of course, to you, for everything you’re creating in the world.

Dawn Serra: This episode is generously brought to you by Simple Health. If you’re on birth control, looking to get back on, or want to try it for the first time, then you know how difficult, annoying, and honestly, confusing that process can be. From figuring out which method you want, to dealing with refills at the pharmacy, or remembering to renew your prescription – it’s anything but simple. Enter Simple Health – they’re changing all that with online birth control prescriptions & free home delivery – making birth control accessible, convenient and affordable for everyone.

Here’s how it works – go to simplehealth.com/SGR – that’s important because there’s some free stuff that you’ll get. So, simplehealth.com/SGR and fill out an online health profile with your medical history, conditions, and birth control preferences. A licensed doctor will review your information to determine if you’re a good candidate for birth control, and if they do, they’ll write you a prescription. Whether it’s for the pill, the patch, or ring. Then, your birth control actually ships to your door for free, on a recurring reschedule, so you don’t have to worry about forgetting a refill or missing a pill again. 

Dawn Serra: Simple Health is designed by doctors and every patient is carefully reviewed by a doctor so they’re bringing the doctor’s office to you – meaning you can skip the hassle of appointments and pharmacy lines, but still get quality care. Plus, Simple Health’s doctors and customer care team are just a message away if you have general questions, need your prescription changed, or need assistance with cost – they are committed to finding the right fit for you. 

The first time I got birth control, it was less than ideal. It was with a doctor who really didn’t know much about the options. He just knew the one or two things that he had posters for and he really didn’t tell me about the potential side effects of the pill. He wasn’t able to help me when I did have those side effects and it was a really awkward experience. I just want better for all of us. 

Dawn Serra: The other thing that’s so great is Simple Health is free with most insurance plans, so you can pay absolutely nothing to use this service every month! For those of us without insurance, it’s still pretty affordable. Pills start at just $15/month and monthly shipping is free for everyone. The annual prescription is usually $20 but Sex Gets Real listeners, you can try Simple Health for free. Just go to simplehealth.com/SGR for Sex Gets Real or enter the code SGR at checkout and that will waive your annual prescription fee.

I also want to mention that this is not a replacement for routine checkups with your doctor. You still need those for your overall health sp please make sure that you are getting seen and that you’re getting you STI status checked. But Simple Health really is a convenient and affordable, comfortable way to get your birth control. Try a better way to get birth control with Simple Health. Go to simplehealth.com/SGR or enter code SGR at checkout. 

Dawn Serra: This next email comes from Anonymous with a subject line of “Relationship Mute”. They write:

“Hi! Long time listener. Love the show for advice and just to hear the way your guests and you speak. I am a lesbian and I have a partner that I have been on and off with for 3 years but finally we decided to be exclusive with each other a few months ago. There is an 8 year age gap. I’m older. I am completely in love with her. She is beautiful, smart, and a great communicator. Our issue, I am a poor communicator. I’ve always feared opening up and saying the wrong thing and feeling psychologically naked. When we have a conversation where I need to address feelings, I freeze and lose my vocabulary and all my thoughts. She is patient with me and allows me to take time to respond but I know I can speak up more. I just struggle getting words out.” 

“This happens in bed, too. She’s had fewer sexual partners then I and is just opening up sexually. I’m turned on how vocal she is becoming about sex. Telling me what she likes in and out of the moment, when she is turned on. I feel I have more of a sexual appetite but I don’t express when I am feeling it. Instead, I just stare at her in bed hoping she can read my mind. I CANT USE MY WORDS! This relationship is hurting because of this. Anything would be appropriate! Thank you for everything!”

Dawn Serra: Anonymous, thank you for listening and for writing in. I feel this so hard. I have, absolutely, struggled with this in the past and sometimes still do. There are so many reasons that we struggle to find our voice. There’s so many things that teach us that speaking out about our feelings and our wants isn’t safe and it’s such a common issue. Especially for folks who are assigned female at birth and then raised as girls in this culture. It makes me think about two books that I actually read in the past year that really speak to this socialization and the consequences of it so beautifully, “Burnout” by Amelia and Emily Nagoski. Specifically, them talking about “Human Giver Syndrome” and then “Rage Becomes Her” by Soraya Chemaly – So good.

Essentially, both of these books really take a look at the ways that girls and women are rewarded for silencing themselves, for not sharing their needs and their wants unless those needs and wants also serve others. Socialization really starts from birth. There are so many studies that show that parents will unconsciously punish babies they’re raising as girls if they display any anger or if they ask for something and the parents read that as “too muchness.” 

Dawn Serra: So, essentially, this teaches us from the youngest of ages that if we want to be loved, if we want to belong, if we want to have our needs met – that we can’t be too much. We can’t take up too much space. We can’t share or be in certain feelings. And then, of course, all of these narratives are really reinforced by everything around us as we grow up and the punishment for speaking up, for advocating for ourselves can range from everything from judgement, rejection, even abuse or death. I mean, under patriarchy, how many women have we seen in the news who have been shot and killed or stabbed and killed, for literally just turning a man down that they didn’t even know. The danger is real and the danger is also imagined and reinforced by so many things. And that a symptom of patriarchy.

When we layer on top of that, all of the shame that we’re indoctrinated into around sex and desire, the mythology around love and how if someone loves us enough they can read our minds, plus any personal trauma or family dynamics that we experienced. Speaking up can be so hard, if not, nearly impossible for some of us because it just feels so unsafe.

Dawn Serra: The reason that I am saying all these to you is that it’s not you. You are responding to the world you grew up in, to the family you were raised by, and all of the experiences you’ve had that made not speaking up a way you survived to now. Maybe past rejections, maybe past family dynamics – all kinds of things really taught you that being psychologically naked was just too hard and too scary. And then here you are in this beautiful relationship with this beautiful human. Speaking up suddenly feels really important.

The first thing I would recommend is offering yourself some self-compassion. If you’re freezing, it sounds like maybe your body is saying “Nope! This does not feel safe at all. Abort! Danger Will Robinson! Shut Down! Escape!” There’s a reason being vulnerable and taking up this kind of space feels so hard. This response probably really served you quite well in the past at some point or as a response to something that happened. So, my invitation is, can we gently hold that truth with reverence and honor it for what it’s offered us while also recognizing that it’s not really serving you any longer? I think this is the part that can feel especially tough. We see how we are and we know how we’d like to be, and that in-between space feels so unbearable. We just want to get to that other place and be different. We just want to not be like this anymore.

Dawn Serra: As uncomfortable as that in-between space can be, that’s exactly where we really start to unravel old patterns and find our way into new questions and new ways of being. It’s so hard to just stay there and to let ourselves move at the speed of trust and healing. But the more gently that we do that, the more healing and spacious it can be in the end. That’s not to say that it’s easy or comfortable, but it can be really potent and powerful when we slow down and treat ourselves gently. 

Voice work ultimately comes down to taking up space, vulnerability, and boundary work. To use our voice is to literally say, “This is me.” And to say “This is me. Here I am,” is to open ourselves up to rejection, and judgment, and being left, and making mistakes that feels humiliating – That’s a really vulnerable place to be. So, the thing that I want to ask is, what are the tiniest, micro-invitations you can offer yourself as you really tenderly start orienting towards wanting to try to speak up? I think finding ways that we can make things feel easy and like-play are really helpful around things like this. 

Dawn Serra: A fun place to start might be to start with something like a deck of Tea & Empathy cards – Just a note for everyone listening, I have about 20 decks for sale so if you’d like one, contact me. Alternatively, something like a feelings wheel – if you google feelings wheel, it will come right up. You can also make your own deck of feelings cards by just taking the feelings wheel and writing one feeling per index card. Because I really, personally, like being able to shuffle and move them around, and to position them and to order them. So having the cards really give you that freedom. Then, what you could do is something like practice taking an inventory of your feelings when you’re by yourself. We want the lowest stakes, the smallest invitations – so starting with just with you, “How am I feeling in this moment?” Go through the cards and see if you can identify it. “How am I feeling about work today?” “How am I feeling about my body today?” Go through those decks and see if you can pick the feeling or look at the feelings wheel. 

You can go through and select all of the feelings that ring true. This doesn’t only give you a chance to practice identifying your feelings, but it also helps you to practice feeling into your body to see where you feel each feeling and how you’re feeling it. All of that information is gold. And then when that practice starts to feel really easy and “I totally go this. I know most of my feelings,” then you can try maybe incorporating your partner with some really simple check-ins. Don’t start with the scary high stake stuff but maybe something like inviting your partner to see if they’d like to do a really fun little check-in each evening before bed. Maybe each of you pull one card that encapsulates how you felt about your day or how you’re feeling in your body at that moment. Without any expectation or big declarations around sensitive topics, the simple little connecting ritual gives you both a chance to, not only practice your feelings vocabulary, but to be witnessed in that feeling without needing anything to be different. Without any judgement. To feel into the depth of that empathy as you’re doing these little teeny things that are vulnerable. 

Dawn Serra: If you find that you’re both able to find identify a feeling in a really simple context and to witness each other, then maybe you can start working your way up to using the deck or the feelings wheel whenever you’re having a more intense or a more meaningful exchange. It can be really helpful to practice saying things, even writing things down and practice reading them to give yourself the chance to have that voice or even reading stories to each other so you have the opportunity to practice saying certain words. Saying something like, “I’m having a lot of feelings. I’m not sure I can articulate them but would you be willing to watch me pull some cards from the deck and just witness me?”

By being able to create a really specific container that’s also something that helps to contribute to our sense of safety. Even if you’re not able to say much, starting with a really low-stake situation and then building that muscle, and then being able to get to the point where you can say, “Can you just watch?” And then, that’s the end. If she agrees then, you pull your cards and you can make the choice whether or not you want to talk about that later or not. That’s another skill that you’re practicing into and then that grows.

Dawn Serra: Essentially practices like these, of course, it doesn’t have to be the feelings cards and the feelings wheel – it’s just one idea to get your creativity flowing. There might be something else that really speaks to you. But practices like these give you and your body a chance to take really small steps in low stakes situations to practice these skills you want to develop. Because I think where so many people go wrong is they try to start with the super high stakes, intense moment. It’s like, “We’ve been having these fights so I really want to try articulating my feelings in these fights.” And so, I go into these fights and I try to say the feeling and it grows horribly wrong. What’s the lowest, simplest, smallest, micro moment? And how do you titrate – it’s a word that Kate Kenfield uses, and Sage Hayes – a somatic healer.

What we’re trying to do is we’re trying to build the muscle so that our body doesn’t go into that fight/flight/freeze/appease response because it’s feeling so unsafe. So, what are all the ways you can cultivate a sense of safety and curiosity on your own to begin and then once that feels pretty good, super small ways to start folding in with your partner. I also think creating meaningful rituals of checking-in and using a feelings wheel or feeling deck can be a really beautiful way to deepen your connection and to really feel seen in each other’s truths. 

Dawn Serra: Start with those check-ins with yourself, inviting your partner, then graduate to bigger conversations. I also think that it’s really helpful for all of us to find our voice in relation to our body and movement – literally. Singing, chanting, yelling, moving your body while you make noise, grunting. Maybe choosing a really powerful animal to emulate and then moving your body like them while making the sounds they make can feel really silly, and that’s okay – Silliness never killed anybody but being able to actually move your body helps to teach your body new stories and helps to change those muscle memories around that fight/flight/freeze/appease response. So, if you could actually move your body and use your voice and find ways to give yourself a chance to get louder and louder and louder, and to feel more and more powerful in that link between voice and body – it can start loosening those stuck places. And it literally, because we’re moving, it helps us to create some movement around that story and that response. That might be something, somatically, to try out.

The last thing I want to touch on is around articulating your desires and that can be really, really vulnerable stuff. I still struggle with that, too, especially when I’m feeling really sensitive or I’ve had a day where rejection just really hurt that day. It’s normal for us to want to protect ourselves but at the same time, sometimes we do get on our own way – living out old stories and fears. Something that you might want to consider, starting with, is acknowledging the feelings that you felt after you feel them. A good example is, if you and your partner are lounging around one evening and you look over and you start feeling really aroused by them but you find you can’t say it, check in on yourself in the morning and see maybe you can share it with her after the fact – either a text message or an email or verbally. And say something like, “Last night, I looked over at you and I felt so aroused. I didn’t say anything but I just want to tell you how hot I think you are.”

Dawn Serra: As you practice that kind of expression and acknowledging it after the fact, then you can start experimenting with saying it a little bit sooner and shortening that timeframe – maybe it’s a few hours after you felt it. If that feels okay, maybe naming it just after it happens. That’s something that my therapist and I have practiced around my anxiety. I used to not be able to articulate certain things that had happened until many days after. But through gently bringing my attention to those places without judgement, without needing it to be different, I found that maybe a day after, I’d be able to articulate some of the things that had happened that caused the anxiety. Now, sometimes it’s minutes but it’s taken lots of time of just being able to stretch into that. 

Essentially, looking for ways to really build that muscle of sharing your arousal from a space that feels a little safer and nudging yourself towards that edge. I just want to articulate for you and everyone listening, it is okay to ask for help around this. It sounds like your partner gives you lots of space and I think that’s so extraordinary. Not everybody is that lucky. But there’s nothing wrong with how you are and what you’re doing now and it’s okay to want things to be different, but you don’t have to do that work alone. So, whether it’s a sex coach like me or a therapist or even an online program like my Power in Pleasure course where we practice articulating our desires or something really similar. There are so many people struggling to find their voice and being able to share your story and hear other’s stories can be so healing and liberating. So, I definitely encourage you to think about that.

Dawn Serra: The last resource that I want to offer is one of my favorites, and it’s Betty Martin’s 3-minute game. Betty and I had this long, beautiful conversation about her 3-minute game for the 2017 Explore More Summit, I think. So, you can still actually purchase those talks if you want and those are at exploremoresummit.com/previous-summits. The link is at sexgetsreal.com/ep273/, but there’s also a link to Betty’s website with a short video of how to do the game. So, I’m going to link to that again at sexgetsreal.com/ep273/.

The 3-minute game is freaking amazing and it really helps people learn how to ask for what they want and how to speak up. And if your partner would be on-board for playing it once a week, maybe for a couple of weeks, you might find some really awesome edges to lean into for both of you. This game is one that’s going to be uncomfortable – that’s just the nature of it but that’s how we start changing these things. And why it’s so beautiful is because having a very time-bound, simple exercise allows us to invite ourselves into something that’s uncomfortable while feeling supported at knowing, “This is going to end.”

Dawn Serra: One of the things that Betty offers is that maybe if the 3-minute game feels too much, you try doing a version of it that’s like the 30-second game. So, maybe fore 30 seconds, you ask for what you need or for what you want and let someone touch you in that way. Then, it’s over – 30 seconds. And then, maybe go into 1 minute, then you go to 3 minutes. But essentially, it’s this game where you get to say, “How would you like me to touch you? How would you like to touch me?” It’s a chance to be able to say the things you want and to be able to do that in a very, very, very specific, defined, container – that’s part of how we create a sense of safety while getting to practice new things. So, definitely check that out – Betty Martin’s 3-minute game.

Anonymous, I’m so grateful you trusted me with this. You are not alone. This is absolutely something that I’m still working on myself too. You’re doing the very best you can and I hope that maybe a couple of the things that I mentioned feel fun to try or that you come up with your own versions and give them a go. I also just want to – for everyone listening, not specifically to you, Anonymous, but for everyone listening, I talk about this with my clients, too. Changing behaviors and responses can really take time, months or even years. So, finding those tiny little wins – those tiny little things that helps us to feel like, “I can do this. I did it for 10 seconds. That’s 10 seconds more than I thought that I could.” That is such a compassionate way to approach something like this. So, what would help you to enjoy the process, to enjoy the journey so that there’s less temptation to push and punish yourself for not being where you want to be and for just rushing towards the goal without appreciating all the things that happened between now and then? Good luck to you, Anonymous.

Dawn Serra: Well, that’s it for this week’s episode of Sex Gets Real. I have so many other questions queued up but we are out of time for this weeks. So, if you support the show on Patreon at $5 and above, there is a new listener question that just went up all about orgasms. I would love your input, $5 folks. If you support at $3 and above, your bonus this week is a discussion on queerness and sex positivity, and why sex positive spaces often get things really wrong. It’s inspired from this new piece from Caleb Luna. We’re going to explore that together. patreon.com/SGRpodcast to hear your bonuses and check out your bonuses or if you haven’t supported yet, you can help support the show financially. Toss a few bucks my way – there’s a huge catalog of bonus content at this point and $3 a month gets you access to all of that, plus, everything that’s coming up. Thank you so much to each and every one of you for tuning in. Don’t forget to go to simplehealth.com/SGR if you’d like to try online birth control with that free prescription or the prescription fee waived. I will be back next week. Bye.

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured and this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses. 

As you look towards the next week, I wonder what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?