Sex Gets Real 260: Play party etiquette, bra and panty fetish, and cutting of family after abuse

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More of your questions have poured in, so that’s what we’re doing today.

But first, if you’d like to join the July cohort of the Power in Pleasure course, check out details and pre-enroll at dawnserra.com/pleasurecourse.

You can also check out coaching at dawnserra.com/work-with-me – I have a few new spots opened up for new clients and I’d love to support you.

First up, Not Asking For It wrote in about play party etiquette. At a recent play party, NAFI wasn’t really into anyone there, but two women were following her around and she had to keep dodging their advances. As she left, one of the women hugged her, but then held on to her and kissed NAFI without consent. How can you set boundaries at a play party that aren’t shaming or mean?

I explore play party etiquette and how different organizers will have very different rules and values for their parties. We also need to talk about how assertiveness is in no way mean or shaming, and part of the work we have to do – especially women and non-binary/agender folks – is that being assertive is a big part of how we can navigate these spaces more safely.

What comes up for you when someone says “You’re making me uncomfortable” or “You’re standing too close to me”. If those statements make you uncomfortable, that’s work YOU need to do around why someone taking care of themselves feels shameful or like an attack.

I also recommend Cristien Storm’s book “Living in Liberation” which is my favorite resource for learning about communicating boundaries, plus Jaclyn Friedman’s “What You Really Really Want”, Soraya Chemaly’s “Rage Becomes Her”, and “The Assertiveness Workbook”. Please support your local independent bookstore, but if you want an Amazon link, those links are my affiliate link. If you need help being more assertive and you’re a woman, gender non-conforming/agender, check out Marcia Baczynski’s Good Girl Recovery program, too.

Next up, AP has a bra and panty fetish. They look at pictures of plus sized bodies in bra and panties every day. Is that weird? And where do fetishes come from anyway? Is an early childhood experience AP had of getting caught trying on some bra and panties where it all started?

Let’s talk about our brains and where fetishes come from, plus why fetishes are totally normal, and how we can more ethically engage with our desires to that they feel spacious AND values-aligned.

Someone wrote to me on Facebook asking about gay women and puppy play. In addition to contacting Ruby, the Black Sex Geek, in Dallas, Princess Kali also said all of the puppy play videos on KinkAcademy.com are by women. Plus, Fetlife!

Finally, Paralyzed wrote in because while her father has always been a dud – creepy, uninvolved, sexually commenting on her body, she recently unearthed a memory of him sexually abusing her. But her family doesn’t really think he’s that bad and they think she’s being dramatic in wanting to cut off ties. How can Paralyzed cut off communication with her father AND navigate the family dynamics with her mom and siblings?

I highly recommend checking out generationfive.org, especially their resources, as well as Staci Haines’ “Healing Sex”. Finding support groups for survivors of childhood sexual abuse is so important as we navigate spaces like this. Community, friends, and therapists are all an important part of feeling supported, especially when part of our healing may mean disrupting our relationship with our family.

We deserve to be believed. We deserve to be supported. We do not owe our family our time, access to our body, or any explanations about what we need to do in order to take of ourselves – even if that’s really difficult to do.

Follow Dawn on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.

Dawn Serra: Hey, you. Welcome to this week’s episode of Sex Gets Real. It is a beautiful and sunny here, and while my allergies are certainly very pissed about all the pollen, it has been amazing having all the windows and doors open to celebrate this gorgeous Springtime. I hope wherever you are in the world that you are also delighting in the weather. Unless, of course, you’re listening to this later and it’s maybe a blizzard in the middle of winter or something like that. I’m just feeling so wonderful with all of this sunshine. Not too hot, nice little breeze, blue skies. Yes.

Now, before we dive into today’s episode, I would need to brag for just a minute- and because there’s no one here to stop me, I’m going to do it. The April cohort of my Power in Pleasure course is starting week 2. It has been absolutely incredible. The vulnerability, the rawness, the depth of the sharing that’s happening is cracking me open day after day after day. Something really beautiful and special is unfolding for us all together as we sink into this exploration of pleasure and I am so so excited about it.

If you want to be a part of the July cohort, enrollment is now open. I just switched everything over so that we can start preparing for the July group. We going to start July 22nd and it runs for 5 weeks, and it’s going to be limited in size. We can’t just have a hundred people in here and expect an intimate group that fosters a lot of space for witnessing and being held. So it will be limited in size and if you want to potentially join us, if you’re curious about spending 5 weeks exploring your pleasure, your desire, your hunger, your appetite, you can find details at dawnserra.com/pleasurecourse

Dawn Serra: I also have a few spots open in my coaching calendar. If you could use some one-on-one support or maybe some couples’ support, head to dawnserra.com/work-with-me to learn more about the coaching work I do. I work with pleasure and bodies, and body shame, communication, sexual shame, sexual desires, deepening connection with someone you love and with yourself. And all of that doesn’t have to be something you do alone. I would love to be able to support you.

This week, your questions have been pouring in and while I’m on the work on this multi-episode series, that’s going to come out super soon, we’re going to keep fielding your questions and emails. Let’s get going. Here’s the first one: Not Asking for It wrote in with a subject line, Play Party Etiquette

I, a 29 year old female, was at a play party last night. I got there a little late so people were already hooking up. The couple I wanted to play with were leaving when I got there but I still stayed for an hour and a half. I wasn’t super attracted to the remaining people but I feel like since I was there these two girls in particular took it as an invitation. I had to work really hard to avoid them and keep their fingers off me. And then when I was saying my goodbyes, I gave some reason like, “I just wanted to come out. Meet everyone and say hi. I’m heading out now” And this one girl kept holding me after we hugged and started playing with my hair and then she said, “Can I say hi properly?” And came in for a kiss before I could even respond. If that was a guy, it would be totally rapey. So my question is how do you go about setting boundaries and actually letting people know you’re not interested at a play party? I didn’t want to be mean or shame anyone but I just wasn’t feeling it and I’m kind of upset that she forced that kiss on me. Thanks Dawn, I love you!

Dawn Serra: You are absolutely right, Not Asking For It. That that is rapey regardless of the gender. I’m sorry that happened to you. Every play party is different. Some play parties have really strict etiquette about how to engage in play so that people feel safer. There’s usually rules about explicit consent that needs to be verbalized before touching or play starts. Maybe’s are always seen as a no. There’s no drinking or drugs are permitted, and the emphasis is really on centering women and non-binary folks. Other play parties are a lot less structured and it’s every person for themselves – these kinds of parties mean you’re potentially going to interact with a whole host of folks who have a range of experiences with consent from super newbies all the way to veterans.

The play parties I’ve been to have had a strict no-late-arrivals rule so that the consent and group agreements are attended by every single person who’s going to be participating. There’s usually a few warm-up activities where you practice saying yes and saying no with different people in the room. You do a little sharing about what you’d like to have happen at the party, and everyone agrees to being respectful and explicit with consent. Then, if at any point, anyone isn’t abiding by the group agreements, you can approach an organizer and let them know what’s happening and they can help you address the issue. But again, every play party is different.

It sounds like you may have been at a play party that was a little less structured. In those situations, being able to communicate directly becomes super important. The girl who hugged you and then went in for the kiss without asking was absolutely in the wrong. And, if there weren’t any kind of community agreements in place, it might also be the kind of space where that kind of behavior has flown in the past or even been rewarded. Also, depending on if there was any alcohol or any drugs, that can also skew someone’s ability to read non-verbal communication which sucks. It doesn’t make it right but sometimes those things impact the ways people are behaving.

Dawn Serra: Your body and your boundaries should always be respected – without question. And, if someone is having trouble understanding your boundaries, then that becomes a murky place where mistakes and harm can absolutely happen.

My opinion is that, especially for women and gender non-conforming folks in dungeons and play parties, being upfront and direct is better than not. You might not make as many friends, but at least you significantly increase the likelihood that you’re going to be heard and remain safe, which is my priority. If you being really firm about what you want and what you don’t want turns someone off, that is a huge red flag anyway. If someone gets butt hurt about you setting boundaries in a really clear and assertive manner, it means that they’re not going to respect your boundaries in more intimate or sexual situations either.

I also think it’s important for you, Not Asking For It, to ask yourself why being assertive and clear about your boundaries is “being mean or shaming someone”. Why is taking up that space and saying “Here is how I want to be treated…” potentially being mean or shaming? Because being mean or being shaming are different from simply stating what you need.

I’m thinking it might be helpful to do some practicing and reflecting around boundaries and communication. I super recommend Cristien Storm’s book, Living in Liberation. It is my favorite book for boundary work ever. Also, Jaclyn Friedman’s What You Really Really Want, Soraya Chemaly’s Rage Becomes Her. There is also a book called The Assertiveness Workbook that you might want to check out as well.

Dawn Serra: I think in the end, when we are dealing with strangers or even people that we don’t know really well. Maybe we just see them in passing at events, especially in situations where desire is running really high and lots of people are potentially acting on their sexual desires from a place of scarcity or traum. It’s crucial that we set firm, verbal boundaries – both for what we want and for what we don’t want. Because boundaries are the yes and the nos. They’re how we want to be in the world, how we want others too relate to us. The clearer we are, the more that we set everyone up for success.

The other thing that I want to mention is the truth is, even if you are clear, even if you are really firm and assertive, and unapologetic about your boundaries, you still can’t control other people’s behavior. You can be as clear and direct as humanly possible and still have people touch you, kiss you, try to manipulate you or coerce you into things you do not want. And in those cases, you have to decide how you’d like to respond. Do you get louder? Do you physically push them away? Can you speak with an organizer about what happened. It’s also really important that we ask play party organizers what kind of consent practices they have in place to ensure everyone who attends their parties is on the same page.

Sadly, many play parties and sexual events are not run by people who know how to hold a space well, who know how to manage consent well, or deal with and mitigate harm and accountability. That can be a powder keg of badness. Speaking to the organizers who are listening, we have to do better to do the work and hold people accountable for creating space where they can be intensely pleasurable, consent-based spaces. If an organizer isn’t talking about power dynamics, if they’re not talking about privilege, if they’re not talking about explicit consent, I personally would be wary and cautious about going to their events.

Dawn Serra: It’s unavoidable that we live inside of rape culture. We bring that to play parties and dungeons. The romanticization of creepy behavior and entitlement. We live inside of patriarchy and sexism where, for many women, their only access to real power is in either objectifying themselves or sexualizing themselves. We live inside of deeply broken systems where so many of us are disembodied, dissociating, and chasing this performative version pleasure as a way to feel more worthy.

Being able to overcome some of these gendered expectations around niceness, to really be assertive in situations like play parties won’t protect us from all the things. But taking up that space means people are so much less foggy about what it is that we’re trying to communicate because they’re not only going off of our body language or non-verbal cues. Sometimes when we’re trying to be nice and we’re dancing around the issue, it’s actually read as flirting.

Unless you’re at a play party where everyone knows each other really well, everyone’s done the work over time to create a strong culture of consent, being able to say “I am not interested in playing with you tonight. Please don’t touch me. I don’t really want to hug you right now.” helps to keep us safe. It’s really worth mentioning too that assertiveness, especially in women can be read as mean. But it isn’t mean – that’s the mindfuck of all this socializing bullshit we’re in. We all need to practice this skill – both expressing it unapologetically and being able to be on the receiving end of assertiveness.

Dawn Serra: So to you, practice saying “I’m not interested in playing with you tonight,” to yourself in the mirror. Practice saying “No.” without apology or explanation or justification. Practice saying “I don’t know you well enough to hug you, but I hope you have a really great evening”. These things can feel so hard and so scary, especially if we are people pleasers. But they’re so so important to us really being in our power.

We also need to practice using the language of what happens when someone does cross a boundary. Practice saying, “Whoa! Not OK!” and “Please don’t do that”. Feel into your body where there’s constriction, resistance, and that twisty knot of “Oh god, I don’t know if I could ever say that!” What’s underneath that? Why not? Knowing what you don’t want can be a powerful step towards knowing what you do want. Sometimes we learn how to set better boundaries because of situations like the one you described where after the fact we think “Ugh. I did not want that. I did not like that. I don’t want that happening again.”

It is not mean and it’s not shaming shaming to say “No.” It’s not mean or it’s not shaming to say, “You’re making me uncomfortable,” while taking a step back. It’s not mean or shaming to say “Please don’t stand so close.” If hearing those things, especially from a woman, feels mean then I would say that is such a lovely invitation into exploring why a human being being direct and matter of fact about their needs makes you uncomfortable. If you have a shame response at the thought of someone saying, “Please don’t stand so close,” or an embarrassment response to someone saying, “You’re making me uncomfortable,” that’s work for you to do as a person receiving someone else’s needs. Because if I’m comfortable in our own skin, if I really feel into my power, and my worth, and autonomy; then if someone says “Please don’t stand so close.” My response can be really spacious and gracious, “Of course, thank you so much for letting me know,” and I’d move. There wouldn’t be any charge, there wouldn’t be any defensive ness. It would be just be, “Thanks for taking care of yourself.” Because we would know that it’s not about us.

Dawn Serra: We have to do the work to stop making other people’s boundaries about us. And we’d be able to see that this is about a person person taking care of themselves and ultimately, that is a gift. They trusted us with that.

So to you, Not Asking For It, what would help you to start taking up more that space and speaking your truth, and feeling really powerful and sure about it? As long as you aren’t insulting someone or speaking down to someone, making those declarative statements about what you need is simply that – it’s an expression of a need. That’s something all human beings do. It’s just when we layer on a lot of the gendered social constructs around what we’re expected to do and how we’re expected to behave, it feels more charged.

I hope for you that you have many more play parties in your future that are full of hot, sexy, delicious connections and pleasure. I hope you have many more play parties in your future that are well run and foster a strong sense of consent and communication. And I hope that it’s not just at play parties but all areas of your life that you could taking up that space and speaking your truth, and that that feels important and powerful, and unapologetic. Because you have nothing to apologize for when you speak your truth.

I also want to offer, if this is feeling really uncomfortable to you I really cannot recommend enough, Marcia Baczynski’s Good Girl Recovery Program. I’ll have a link to that in the show notes and at sexgetsreal.com/ep260/ for episode 260. So Marcia Baczynski’s Good Girl Recovery Program. It’s awesome and totally all about this very space of assertiveness and getting over our quest to be nice all the time. Because niceness is not the same as compassion and too often we think that it is. So to you, good luck, Not Asking For It. Have a blast at your next party, and start feeling in to some of those assertiveness statements because those are going to be really important when you move in to future play parties and dungeon spaces; even in all of the relationships in your life. Thank you so much for listening.

Dawn Serra: Next up, AP wrote in about a bra and panty fetish. They write: Hey Dawn,

Love the show! Thank you for what you do! I am constantly, probably daily, looking at women in their skivvies. I browse the plus size pages online to see these beautiful, curvy, plus size bodies. I’ve never enjoyed porn and I don’t look at it. But I like erotica type photography and body positive pages, places like model society and the plus size pages on social media, and also figure drawing art. Am I wrong for doing this? I don’t feel like it’s an addiction as it’s never gotten worse and it’s always the same pages but maybe it’s a compulsion.

Also, where do you think we get our fetishes? I think it was because one time I was caught putting on my cousins bra and undies as a kid, I was just goofing around, and then I was caught. That’s all I remember. But maybe that somehow that got rooted in my brain or something. I don’t know. Then AP wrote in again a couple of days later just to add, I don’t go around wearing them. It’s not that kind of fetish. Maybe I guess I enjoy the art of them on women. I don’t know. Thank you so much for listening and for writing in, AP. There is nothing wrong with a bra and panty fetish. Bra and panties can be super hot!

I’m going to start with your second question first. Where do we get our fetishes? Fetishes are a normal part of human sexuality. We’ll probably never know exactly where they come from because, one, humans are way too complex and, two, fetishes come from a rich variety of experiences, cultural norms, changes in our bodies and desires. I can tell you that in one culture where certain things are very taboo, there’s probably more fetishes around the taboo that the culture where those things aren’t taboo at all. I did look up some research around fetishes.

Dawn Serra: There is some research that suspects that lots of our sexual fantasies and fetishes come from our earlier years when there’s a lot more synapse formation and neurogenesis going on in our brains. We’re starting to make all kinds of connections and our brains are growing at a really rapid rate. They’ve also done funny research on rats about sexual fetishes that’s interesting. They took two groups of rats. One group was the control group so nothing was really done to them. The other group they put little vests on one of the rats. And then the rats had their first sexual experience when they were young with a partner. The control group had some sex, no vests. The other group had their first sexual encounter with the vest on. They found that later in life for future sexual encounters, the control group didn’t care whether or not their partner had a vest on or not – they were like, “Let’s get it on.” But the rats from the group where there was a vest in their early sexual experience, now as adults couldn’t sexual perform with rats who didn’t have a vest, only with rats who did.

Now, it’s way oversimplified to take a rat study and apply it to humans, but it does raise some interesting questions. We’re impacted deeply by so much that happens to us when we are younger that it makes sense certain things become especially charged or important – often when they’re also linked to taboo so there’s this feeling that something’s wrong which can be super arousing. Some people have their fetishes for life while others move through fetishes at different stages in their life, and neither one is right or wrong. It’s just humans being human. I think some of the the problems with fetish is that lots of people often constrict around their fetish because they feel ashamed of it. They hide it, they keep it in the shadows, that kind of secrecy can contribute to more shame and more restriction, which can then lead to more compulsion. We talked about that a couple of episodes ago around porn.

Dawn Serra: Often if someone wants to remove that compulsive charge around a fetish, bringing it out into the open, talking about it, celebrating it, can help create more space, I don’t have to hide this or keep it secret anymore. I can just be open about it and it can breathe.”

Circling back to what you’re doing, AP. I would say, it’s a little bit a grey area as far as the ethics of it. Some people put images out into the world knowing it’s going to be seen as sexual and they’re specifically wanting them to be arousing. Others are putting images out into the world because it makes them feel good and it’s about themselves not for others.

Culturally, we developed this really weird sense of entitlement that if it’s online then it’s fair game, to be used and consumed however we’d like. We also see a lot of this entitlement around pirating music, pirating movies, downloading things without paying for them, watching porn that’s been filmed without someone’s consent or that’s been stolen from a paid site. That entitlement is actually toxic as far as just a broad stroke cultural goes. There’s people who are losing real income who didn’t consent to those things and we tend to brush that aside. I think it’s really important that we ask ourselves – Is this really for me and am I consuming it the way it was intended? If it’s really clear that someone is working on reclaiming their body or they’re doing this as part of a healing process then allowing it to be theirs and for them, and witnessing their truth without consuming it in other ways, to me, feels a lot more consensual and honest. It does mean pausing and asking ourselves some questions but that’s an important part of being human being and being in community with other human beings if we really value them as other human beings.

We can’t always know someone’s motivation is, so I would say, looking at all these bras and panties in all these sites is totally fine. It would probably be more values aligned if you can delight in and celebrate that fetish, and take in the things that feel so yummy. If you go places where people who are sharing bra and panty content are doing it with the express purpose of it being a sexy turn on. There’s lots of those folks out in the world. In fact, I just saw an article, lots of people were sharing it, but Pornhub might be buying Tumblr back because they want to add the Not Safe For Work content back and all the porn. We’re going to see an explosion of bra and panty content on Tumblr if that happens. But where are there people who want to arouse those who are looking? And then give yourself the delicious delight in taking that in and letting that turn you on.

Dawn Serra: There’s nothing wrong with finding these things hot because they are hot.

And as long as you don’t feel like it’s interfering with your life in a negative way, then I totally don’t see it as a problem. People look at Facebook 50 times a day. They watch hours of TV a day and super feel uncomfortable if they miss their favorite programs. People who like cars look at cars every day. People who like cats watch cat videos because it brings them joy. You like bras and panties. The only real difference is that that is closer to sex than the other things and so we tend to have this constriction because sex. So enjoy the bras and the panties. Think about how you can enjoy those things in a way that feels really ethically aligned, and then celebrate it. Because it is hot. Thanks so much for writing in and asking, AP.

Dawn Serra: Now, I want to just pause for a minute. We have an exciting sponsor that’s doing something totally revolutionary with birth control access in the US and it is long overdue. They’re called Simple Health and they are here to make your healthcare, well, simple. They are starting out by simplifying birth control access with online prescriptions and home delivery. One of the things that breaks my heart is there are over 20 million women, much less nonbinary and queer folks in America, that lack access to something as basic and fundamental as contraception. The existing healthcare system can prevent people from getting the care that they need whether it’s insurance barriers, income, physical location. Simple Health, thought of a better way. With Simple Health, you can get your birth control prescribed online and delivered to your door for free. It’s affordable, convenient, and safe. And whether you’re already on birth control, looking to get back on, or want to try it for the first time, Simple Health will take care of you.

Here’s how it works. You fill out a comprehensive online health profile, answers some questions formulated to find the best birth control for you, your body, your preferences, your insurance situation. They take all of it into account. And then a medical doctor reviews your profile, figures out if you’re a good candidate for birth control, recommends a product, and actually writes a prescription. Then your birth controls ships directly to your door on a recurring schedule. No interruptions, no having to remember to reorder. Now just to be clear, Simple Health isn’t making their own birth control. They only prescribed trusted and vetted brands of birth control, including pills, the patch, and the ring. Best of all, Simple Health offers affordable care regardless of insurance. Now they do accept insurance and luckily birth control is free with most insurance plans. You can pay absolutely nothing to use their service every month. For those without insurance pills start at $15 a month. So it’s still affordable and delivery is free for everyone.

Dawn Serra: The prescription is usually $20. But for you, Sex Gets Real listeners, you can try Simple Health for free by going to simplehealth.com/SGR for Sex Gets Real or you can enter code SGR at checkout and that makes the prescription fee free. I also want to mention this is not a replacement for routine evaluations by your primary care physician or gynecologist. You should still get health checkups as needed. But it is a convenient and affordable, comfortable way to get your birth control. As someone who just used an online doctor service yesterday, I can tell you it was amazing. No doctor’s office, no waiting in waiting rooms, no time off work, no driving to the pharmacy. I was just in my pajamas and filled in all this information.

This is going to save you so much time and money and if you aren’t on birth control but you know someone who is, tell them about Simple Health; let’s help improve access to healthcare it and conscious reception everywhere. Again, don’t miss your chance to try Simple Health for free. You just go to simplehealth.com/SGR or enter code SGR at checkout and they waive that prescription fee. Plus, it lets them know you heard about it here, which would be super, super, super helpful. So if you’re looking for ways to support the show, that’s one of them that’s simple and get you free awesome contraception. So check it out.

Dawn Serra: Next up is a question I got recently via Facebook. And it says, Hello, and good morning. My partner and I were recently in a club in Dallas. There were gay men dressed as pups. My partner & I have both heard of puppy play and have talked about different aspects of role play. Although, this is the first time she’s been really interested. She mentioned wanting to be a pup but doesn’t feel as though the male gay community is accepting of women. So she brushed it off. My question to you is, do you have any resources to help us explore puppy play for gay women?

I reached out to some colleagues and Ruby Bouie Johnson, who you might also know as the Black Sex Geek shared that if this person, listener, is in Dallas which is were Ruby is, there is a group specifically for women in the kink community. Also, there are a few new dungeons. If they go to the Eagle in Dallas, I can also link them with folks who might know. I’m going to have a link in the show notes to Ruby’s Black Sex Geek page so that you can message her and ask about those resources.

You are right that lots of puppy and animal play events, at least the ones that I’ve seen have largely been within the gay men’s community, that said, I’ve also seen so many kittens, bunnies, and puppies who are women on Fetlife. They’re out there. Fetlife might be another way to connect with some gay women who are also into puppy and animal play because I have to imagine there is at least a few groups, if not more, on Fetlife talking all about that. I hope that helps. Check out Ruby. Connect with her and see if can connect you with some other folks in Dallas. Thank you for tuning into the show.

Dawn Serra: This final question comes from Paralyzed with a subject line of Ask Advice For Navigating Familial Expectations And Familial Secrets, I want to offer a content warning. This email does talk about childhood sexual abuse so take care of yourself if that might feel triggering or something that you don’t have the resources for today. It’s not super explicit but it’s definitely there. If you want to skip that part, jump a few minutes ahead to my answer. Here’s the email:

Hey, Dawn. First of all like everyone else, I just want to say I so love and appreciate your show. I think the work you’re doing is so so important and I just wanted to take a moment to send you warmth and gratitude for all the work you do. As for my question, I’m not sure if it’s exactly pertaining to Sex Gets Real topics but I’m at a loss for where else to turn.

A little background, my parents divorced when I was very young. My mom ended up getting full custody of my two older brothers and I because my dad didn’t want any. My parents made a real effort to be amicable when we were younger, and my brothers and I would occasionally go visit him on weekends. But as I got older, I realized what a trash ‘father’ he really kind of is. Completely selfish and unable to provide any kind of support if it’s inconvenient for him. Meanwhile, he’s also been making sexual comments about me and my body since I was barely entering puberty. He’s always made me a little uncomfortable, and that, combined with his functionally uninvolved presence in our lives, has made me want to distance myself from what little connection I had with him. But even then, I wasn’t exactly sure how to go about it because no one else in my family is quite as fazed with his behavior besides me. Everyone sees him as a dud, but a more or less harmless dud. Except my mom, she gets the brunt of it.

Anyway, more recently, in the past few years, I’ve been digging up old memories of sexual abuse by my father. It’s come to me in chunks, but I just uncovered the ‘sensation’ portion of my memory which has sent my anxiety skyrocketing. I even remember actively suppressing the memory the morning after. I was about 7 or 8 at the time, and I remember feeling like a ghost walking back to my own room in his house and then not even feeling like I could look down at my own body. But feeling the places he touched me like the color blue. I didn’t know how to make sense of what happened, and I had a full day ahead of me with him and my brothers, and feeling the pressure to make sure it was just a normal day. I remember thinking to myself something like, “I can’t deal with this right now. I can’t think about what happened. I’ll deal with this later.”

Dawn Serra: Over the next few days I shoved it down and down until I couldn’t reach it at all. Except from then on, whenever I went to my dad’s house I felt weird and unsafe once the lights went out. My dad does not and has never provided me with any kind of support. I’m 24 now and the thought of interacting with him at all makes me sick and anxious. I want to cut off all ties with him, at least for a while while so I can deal with this more fully. But my family doesn’t understand. Even my mom who knows what a creep and a jerk he can be always tells me, “At least he’s trying!” whenever he calls. I don’t want to talk to my family about what happened, especially my mom. But I’m worried my family will think I’m causing unnecessary drama by ceasing communication with my dad.

They already think I’m being overly sensitive and dramatic by keeping him at arm’s length now.

I don’t know how to navigate this. I feel like the only thing I can do is eventually just be strong enough to not give a fuck about what they think and do what I feel is right for me, even if it changes the way the rest of my family sees me. But I’d be really interested to hear if you have any other thoughts or steps I could take or how to practice having the strength to do what I need to do. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time out of your day to listen to my story and sit in it. Please be well.

Dawn Serra: I want to start by saying I am so sorry that this happened to you. It’s fucked up and it’s not okay and it breaks my heart how incredibly shockingly common it is for people to experience childhood sexual abuse and molestation. I think it’s far more common than most people would know because of family secrets. You have every right to cut off all contact with your father. The end. No explanation needed. You do not owe him anything and you deserve space to explore healing without him being a part of your life whatsoever.

You also do not owe your other family members any kind of justification. We never ever have to justify our boundaries. People may have feelings about our boundaries, they may demand answers. But we are not required to give it to them. Sometimes we might want to offer some information or perspective, but again, you don’t have to. That’s a choice. You taking care of you, especially because this has been an abusive situation, has to come first.

First, my hope is that you have a fantastic therapist or counselor in your life. If you don’t, it could go a really long way in feeling like you have a lot more support around this in case your relationship with your family does change for a little while. A really great therapist or counselor can make a world of difference. Second, who else do you have in your life who can support you around this? Friends? Partners? Extended family? Maybe even support groups for survivors of childhood sexual abuse or activist circles who do work in eliminating childhood sexual abuse – I highly recommend checking out generationfive.org Staci Haines and Mia Mingus are involved in that if that’s interesting to you. Because the more support you have, the easier it becomes to set those boundaries with your family knowing that you’re not going to be out in the world trying to figure this out on your own.

Dawn Serra: I also don’t think it’s realistic to expect yourself to not give any fucks about what your family thinks. Of course, we care what they think. And even if it hurts, even if it sucks and it’s awkward, even if we really don’t want to, saying “I deserve this and I will not spend time with this man right now” is absolutely your right and something you really deserve.

You also deserve to be believed by your family. I know you said you don’t want to tell them but I just want to say this to you and anyone else listening, you deserve to be able to say “Here’s what happened to me and I need you to believe me and support me.” Family secrets can be so fucking painful because families go to such great lengths to hide these things they’re scared to feel in to because they feel ashamed or because it brings up their stuff. Of course, not telling them what happened is a-okay. It’s not a requirement whatsoever to doing healing work, to finding some space and support around your experience. But if you do decide to tell them at some point, know that you deserve to have them say in response, “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve that. How can I support you? What do you need?”

Dawn Serra: I also want to offer, it can be really really difficult to stand up to our families. They know how to push our buttons, how to make us feel left out, how to make us feel guilty. They can demand all kinds of things from us that we wouldn’t tolerate from anyone else in our lives, and we can feel so responsible for how they feel because of all these old patterns and this history. If you feel like it’s too hard right now to set that boundary and you decide that you’re going to continue tolerating hearing from your father, maybe even sharing space with him, you aren’t doing anything wrong.

You are doing your best and that’s all you can ever ask of yourself. You’re doing your best. “This is what I can do right now. It sucks, it hurts. I want it to be different, maybe I can work on finding some support so that it can be different down the road. But right now, I just don’t have the energy or the resources or the tools to deal with my family pestering me so I’m going to tolerate this for a little while.” And that’s okay.

There’s a resource section on generationfive.org that might help connect you with some places to go for support, that’s where I would suggest you start – finding community, finding other survivors, finding places where you can speak your truth and have it met with deep compassion and trust, where you can hear from other people who’ve had this very conversations with their family and what it was like, how they got through it, the different ways people felt into it and got through the inevitable bullshit that families always bring.

Dawn Serra: I would also recommend finding a great therapist. Personally, I would recommend a somatic experience therapist. SE is a powerful body-based therapeutic approach to healing trauma. My therapist is an SE therapist and it’s been a slow and gentle approach to building resources and finding new ways of being with my body and my feelings, and being in life.

Your family can totally think you’re causing unnecessary drama. You’re still allowed to say, “I am not going to be spending any time with him and I’m not going to be speaking too him. And I’m asking for you to stop asking me about it and to stop commenting about it. If you do, I’ll either remind you that I asked you to not do this or I’m going to leave. Because I need this right now.”

You may have to say something like that several times for them to really get that you’re serious and if they chatter behind your back and talk about it, know that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the things they’re trying to pretend aren’t true. You deserve this space. You deserve to be believed. You deserve to make these requests and have them honored without question by your family. Now, whether or not that happens is a different story but you still deserve to make that ask. And you deserve to be supported around the bullshit that that’s going to stir up. I hope that you find beautiful, gentle ways to tend to yourself in the coming weeks and months, and years. I hope so much for you to find deep multi-layered support from multiple sources in your life for healing these stories and feeling through the rage and the grief and all the other things that come with abuse. Just know that whether it’s now or down the road, you cutting off contact and asking your family to not talk to you about it is going to be the right time. Only you know whether or not you have the resources to do that now or later, and you deserve support around that.

Dawn Serra: Thanks so much for trusting me with this and for trusting us with this. I know lots of people listening are in a similar situation and so the fact that you ask this question and allowed this conversation to happen is going to help so many people. Thank you so much for listening and I’m sending so much love and solidarity your way. So that’s our episode for this week.

If you could use some help with something going on in your life around your body, your pleasure, your sexuality, or your relationship, you can head to sexgetsreal.com and use the contact form.

Patreon supporters, last week’s bonus is up and it’s awesome. It’s all about orienting towards pleasure. This week’s bonus is a little worksheet on evaluating your level of safety in your life and what you can do to bring in more safety as a way to access more pleasure. Because safety has to come before pleasure and so this little worksheet is going to help you to evaluate, “Where am I tolerating things? Where am I not speaking up? How safe do I feel in different situations? What might I do a little differently to bring in a little bit more of relative safety so that I have more access to pleasure?” You can go to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show – every dollar means so much – and if you support at $3 a month and above, you get weekly bonuses like this week’s bonus and last week’s bonus. So if you already support the show, head there to check it out and/or if you don’t support the show yet, I would love to have you be a part of all of it. Until next time, I’m Dawn Serra. Bye.

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and to get awesome weekly bonuses.

As you look towards the next week, I wonder, what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?