Sex Gets Real 249: Tumblr alternatives, struggling with being on top during sex, & emotional outbursts

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ONE BIG THING before we get started:

1. Register for Explore More Summit! It starts February 25th, 2019 and the theme this year is PLEASURE. It’s free and online, and you do NOT want to miss it. Check it out here at exploremoresummit.com.

On to your emails!

First up, where can people go for alternatives to Tumblr now that it’s banned porn? I found two articles with many of the same recommendations. Check out the Refinery29 piece and the Cosmo piece (this one is by Elle Chase, known as Lady Cheeky). As always, pay for your porn!

Francis wrote in because they are struggling with being on top during sex. Is there something wrong? Why doesn’t it feel good? They feel like everything is wrong, unsexy, and unfeminine and they are worried their ex broke up with them over not being able to do this position.

The short of it is that not every position is for every body. We are all built differently and what we see in movies and in porn is meant to sell pleasure, not be a marker for “normal” or “real” sex. So instead, what would be pleasurable? What would feel yummy? Move in the direction of things that feel good and leave the rest. That’s why sex can be so fun – it’s an opportunity to be endlessly creative in all the ways our bodies are and possibly fit with other bodies.

EEP! is struggling because their spouse is having some big feels and not managing them in a very skilled way. How can someone new to expressing emotions find a way to wield them with more care and how can EEP! care for their own needs through it all?

First up, I highly recommend pre-ordering the new book “Burnout” by Emily & Amelia Nagoski which is all about stress, overwhelm, and ways we can process our stress feelings in better ways.

I also recommend Tea & Empathy cards (which are in re-print status right now, so stay tuned by following Kate Kenfield). A free alternative is the Feelings Wheel.

Aussie gal wants to know if having more disabled folks in porn will make them MORE likely to be abused since they’re so vulnerable. Let’s talk about invisibilizing and erasing folks in an attempt to “protect” them. NO NO NO.

Follow Dawn on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.

Dawn Serra: Hey listeners. Welcome to this week’s episode of Sex Gets Real. First up, my kitten is being really rambunctious and Alex is out of town, which means the chances that you hear some crash bang boom from a super zoomied cat is very high this week. Also, I am so stressed out and so overwhelmed but so enchanted and excited about Explore More Summit this year. The summit starts February 25th and it’s free and entirely online. So if you want to attend, there’s going to be 27 incredible talks over the course of 10 days. You can go to exploremoresummit.com to grab your spot. All you have to do is put in your name and email address to register. And then every day of the conference, you’ll get an email in the morning with a link to that day’s talks and you’r free workbook of the day. I am actually working on the workbooks right now. They are fucking spectacular. 

I also just released the schedule yesterday. If you want to check out the schedule, I highly recommend it because the titles that we have come up with for this year’s summit are making people so hungry. Just to give you a little taste of what some of the sessions are titled, there are things like “Creating Sanctuary to Unearth Our Desires,” “Find Pleasure Inside the Mess and Trust our Unhealed Truths.” There’s also one called “Pleasure as the Ultimate Fuck You: Addressing Overwhelm, Stress, and Burnout In A Game That’s Rigged” With Leonore, who was just recently on the show, there is a session with her titled, “Journey into Wildness: Explore Your Conscious and Unconscious Domestication, Liberate Your Inner Wildness and Find Permission and Communal Erotic Witnessing.” There’s also sessions called, “Becoming Fluent in The Language of Our Satisfaction: How Eating Disorders are A Wise Response To A Disordered Culture, Why Rebellion is A Move Towards Freedom and Fuck You Fries. Plus, sessions on erotic breathwork. Lori Brotto is part of it. We talk all about mindfulness and asexuality versus low libido. 

We’ve got so many incredible other speakers who you’ve heard here on the show and other places around the world. A pelvic floor specialist, an ancestral healing specialist. Cameron Glover is there, Sonalee Rashatwar, Jes Baker. Holy Shit. So good. AC Dumlao from Call Me They is talking about gender galaxies and being trans. Oh my God, I am pouring my heart and my soul and my sweat and my tears into this thing; and I want you to be there. You’ve got nothing to lose, even if you only get a chance to see half of one talk and then you save the workbooks. It’s free if you’re participating as it airs. Again, exploremoresummit.com 

Dawn Serra: Patreon supporters, don’t forget you get weekly bonus content if you support the show financially at $3 a month and above patreon.com/sgrpodcast for Sex Gets Real, SGR podcast. Head there to hear all of the previous bonuses and to hear this week’s bonus that’s going to come out on Monday. Time is a little tight right now coming up with the summit. But I’m going to have something delicious for you on Monday, so be sure to go check that out and support the show.

For this week’s episode, I am going to be answering your questions. God, do I have a backlog, amazing, challenging, head-scratching, incredible questions. I’m going to be posting a couple of the questions that I’ve gotten recently on Patreon. People who support at $5 a month and above also get to help me weigh in on listener questions. So if you want to put your sex educator cap on and help me field these things, you can do that again at patreon.com/sgrpodcast A few new questions are going up today. So let’s dive in.

Dawn Serra: Liz wrote a couple of weeks ago about Tumblr. It’s a super short email and it says, I saw Tumblr is going to stop hosting adult content. Do you have any other platforms you suggest for different kink ideas? Well, I have two different resources that I will link to in the show notes. They both point to very similar things. They’re just written by different people. So whichever you prefer. 

There was a piece on refinery29 back on December 7th. And then just a week ago, Elle Chase published a piece on Cosmo called 13 Other Places Tumblr Fans Can Go To Explore Their Sexuality. So, again, I’ll post both. They link to very similar places and, in fact, the exact same places and a couple of instances. But here’s some of what they said. Well, it’s not as easy to scroll through like you did on Tumblr. Reddit’s not safe for work. Subreddit might be a good alternative if you’re looking for community, recovering old Tumblr archives. There’s a website called Timbr, TIMBR that lets you backup old Tumblr blogs so people can save the things if they’ve had adult content. That might be a place to go to check it out. There’s also a website called Mastodon, which is an ad free community with anti abuse moderators. We need more of that. And then, for a new Tumblr feel, there’s New.Tumbl And then of course there’s all the places you can go to watch little snippets and previews before you pay for your content, which is always what I highly recommend. There goes the cat just a second.

So you can go to places like Erika Lust’s Xconfessions and erotic films.com. You can go to Bright Desire, Crash Pad Series, PinkLabel.tv, Frolic Me. All of these are places that are creating feminist porn. And while I always recommend that you pay for your content because even the stuff that you were seeing on Tumblr cost a lot of money to create. So pay for your porn when you can. But even all of these sites have little previews and images that you can check out that are super hot and super sexy, and that can be a fun place to go to either get inspiration or to send little links to a lover for that online flirting thing that you know I love. I will link to both the Cosmo piece and the refinery 29 piece so that you can hopefully go find some yummy Tumblr alternative content for your heart’s desire. So thank you so much for writing in, Liz, I know lots of people wanted to hear that.

Dawn Serra: This next question comes from Francis and it says, Hi Dawn, I hope you’re having a sweet little Sunday. I have a problem I’m hoping to get some advice on. As to be honest, it’s ruling my life at the moment. I’m in my mid-late twenties and despite being sexually active for over 10 years, I have major issues with being on top. It’s never worked for me and I am so ashamed. I just can’t do it and I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I’ve had long term partners, but I’ve never managed to get comfortable with it. It’s become such a trauma that I feel like I don’t even know how to move when I’m on top. I feel like I thrust wrong and I grind wrong. I feel so unsexy and unfeminine. Practically, I can’t feel his penis moving in and out of me. Perhaps I’m not very sensitive down there? And I have to bounce hard for either of us to feel anything. But when I do that, it’s too much for him and I’m scared I’ll hurt him. I even had one guy say me being on top, quote unquote “Doesn’t do much for him.” I also feel like a mattress is too soft to surface and like I’m bouncing more on the mattress than I am on his body. My knees sink in too much. Is that a thing? I’m obviously not staying wet enough either for all of this because of all this anxiety. My embarrassment level is a 12 out of 10 right now. But can you go more in depth with me about how this position should work? I really want to crack this and understand what’s not working for me because right now I feel like I’m fundamentally not sexy. 

I was dumped by the love of my life last year and I have such shame and regret about not overcoming this with him, so I’m not giving up till I get it. Thank you for your time and your work. It’s so very needed by women like me. Kind regards. 

Dawn Serra: There’s so much I want to offer you. First of all, thank you for writing in with this question. I know you are absolutely not the only one who has questions about both this position and lots of other positions. So I’m hoping that my thoughts and questions might help, not only you, but other people who might be feeling that 12 at a 10 embarrassment. Here’s where I want to start. There is nothing wrong with you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You aren’t doing anything wrong. The reason that I know that is not every position works for every body. And that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with the body or with the people that are engaging in it. It just means it doesn’t work. 

Some people don’t like certain types of food and other people do. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with them. Some like long distance running because their bodies are built for it and other people running is totally not the thing their bodies are built for. Our bodies come in a variety of shapes and sizes. And the number one thing we can do for ourselves and our relationships is to allow our bodies to do the things that feel good and to leave the rest behind. Now, there is something to be said for having a sense of curiosity and adventure and being willing to try new things. But that is best when it comes from a place of, “Let’s see what happens and if it isn’t for me, it’s not because there’s something wrong with me or with you or us. It’s just not working.”

So I’m a little bit curious about why this position is so important to you, why you feel like it’s something that you have to do, why you’re so interested in it, especially when you’ve got so much evidence that it just doesn’t feel good. My number one hope for all of us is that we move in the direction of pleasure, and anything that isn’t pleasurable that’s causing distress and shame is something that we can leave behind or circle back to another time. Especially because this is something that you’re using words like trauma, unsexy, unfeminine, an embarrassment around. I would suggest doing all the other things that makes sex feel fun and connected and most importantly, pleasurable. All of us have different bodies. 

Dawn Serra: I do not like being on top. It just isn’t something I’ve ever really enjoyed. The ways that they make it look in porn are not the ways that it is for lots of people. So that’s another thing. We have so many images in our head of what it should be to be on top because we’re watching super unrealistic, filmed, edited sex scenes in Hollywood movies and in porn. And for so many people, that position just doesn’t work. For lots of other people, it’s something they adore. But again, we all get to like different things. Some people love cunnilingus other people, “Take it or leave it. Not for me.” And that’s okay. We can also choose to do things that we don’t particularly like for a partner. But making sure that we have lots of space to be able to say no, to go in the direction of our pleasure, to find creative alternatives to things is a much more fun and generous place for us all to be. 

I’m also a little bit worried by the fact that there seems to be some tension and some shame around responses that your partners have had. You mentioned that you got dumped last year and you have a lot of shame and regret about quote unquote not overcoming this with him. If he dumped you because you didn’t enjoy or couldn’t do a particular sex position. That is not a human being anyone should be in a relationship with. That is not the kind of stuff that makes for a healthy, caring, mutual relationship. So as much as that might feel tender and as much as that might hurt, what I’m hearing is if the reason he dumped you was because this position was something he really wanted and something that wasn’t really working for you, then good riddance. He can go find someone for whom this position brings tons and tons of pleasure. You shouldn’t be tolerating or gritting your teeth or worrying or stressing yourself through this. Ask yourself why this feels important. Having goals around sex, like whether or not you’re orgasming whether or not you’re orgasming at the same time, whether or not a certain position works. Those kinds of goals set us up for failure and also have nothing to do with our pleasure.

Dawn Serra: We can have the most mind blowing, pleasurable, connected experience and not have orgasms. We can have the most mind blowing, connected, pleasurable experience and not use certain positions. There’s so many questions that I have about your body and what you do want and what does feel good? What are all of the other touches, positions, strokes, where you are getting a lot of pleasure? What other parts of your body feel erotic and sexual and sensual, and how can you include more of that in the play that you’re having? If you had this one guy say that you being on top, quote unquote, “Doesn’t do much for him,” great. Let’s find something that does something for both of us. I think that’s such an opportunity to get creative and playful, “This is not doing much for me either. I do not like it. Let’s find something super fun that works for both of us.” And what I hope you want is pleasure and what I hope you want is connection. So what moves you in the direction of those things? What moves you away from this sense of should, these expectations, this performance and this embarrassment? Because you deserve so much more than any of those things. 

So regardless of whether the position is doggy style or missionary or vulva owner on top or bent over the bed, for as many people as love each of those positions, there are just as many people for whom they don’t like those positions because it doesn’t work for their body. Whatever you need to do to grieve that and to let go of that story a little bit and to find a little bit of kindness and compassion for yourself. I love that you’re so eager and excited to be trying to find ways to connect with your partner and/or partners. What maximizes your pleasure that has nothing to do with you being on top? 

There is nothing wrong with saying, “I totally do not like that position.” Unless you were really, really, really want to do it, and then we need to talk about why, let’s find the million other things we could do that would be super hot and fun for both of us. Thank you so much for writing in. To everybody listening who has struggled with a certain position, you are not alone. We just have to find our ways with our bodies and the people that we’re engaging with. And that’s going to look different every single time. Good luck. 

Dawn Serra: EEP or “EEP” wrote in and EEP stands for Emotions Expressed Poorly, and the subject line is Bracing for Another Emotional Tsunami. So the email says, first I adore your podcast and Explore More. Sex Gets Real was the best discovery of 2018. Next, I’m looking for advice, tools, et cetera regarding managing and expressing negative emotions and I’m coping with my spouse’s changing emotionality. Briefly, after a lifetime of suppressing their needs and feelings to avoid rocking the boat, my spouse is finally getting more in touch with their feelings. For the most part, this is so incredible to witness and to be a part of. I’m deeply happy for them for how it is strengthening our connection overall and for the potential this holds for our relationship. However, because this is new for them, they haven’t developed ways of coping with their negative emotions, and Dawn, they have big feelings. They are dealing with a ton of intense stresses that are largely outside of their control. And since they aren’t coping well, they have had some pretty intense episodes akin to a tantrum that they seem totally and capable of helping themselves out of. This is completely new territory for us. They’ve almost always been quite level and measured. It is a very jarring to witness and to be on the receiving end. 

Dawn, with everything in me, I want them to be in touch themselves and their needs, but the way they’re letting loose like this is not respectful to me, our relationship nor for our child to have witnessed. I’ve expressed how these outbursts are affecting me and they agree that they need to learn how to manage their emotions better, but I’m at a loss for what comes next. Do you have any tools, ideas, resources to suggest to folks who are learning in adulthood how to manage big, uncomfortable feelings? I’m sure I’d benefit from any advice or suggestions here too. Also, do you have any thoughts on how I can take care of myself as they are struggling with these intense feelings and still learning how to express them less destructively? Thanks. -EEP

Dawn Serra: Okay. First of all, thank you so much for writing in. This is so real. Oh my god. I’ve been there myself. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago, my therapist was like, “We need to get you more in touch with all that repressed anger.” My first thought was like, “That hasn’t gone so well in the past.” This is absolutely a thing and I really appreciate that you’re reaching out for support because I know there’s lots of people out there who are probably are dealing with or will soon be dealing with the same things. Where to start. Okay. 

The first thing I’m going to do is I’m going to refer you to watch Explore More since you’re a fan of Explore More. There is a talk on day one with Emily and Amelia Nagoski. They have a new book that’s coming out at the end of March called Burnout. This book is specifically for women, although it really works for anyone, but they did all the research around women. All of the tools and techniques in it are scientifically based. They’ll work for any gender and any body and much of what they talk about is the ways that we exist in a world where we are all very stressed and very overwhelmed, and either burnt out or on the edge of burnout with a number of stressors that we can’t change or control. Such as like you mentioned that your spouse is dealing with a ton of intense stress that is largely out of their control. I think that this talk, and more importantly the book, could be a really great addition to your household.

Dawn Serra: A lot of what they talk about is there’s stressors, ORS, stressors the things that cause the stress and then the stress itself, which, which is an emotion. And we often can’t control the stressors. We can’t control our workplace, we can’t control patriarchy, we can’t control sexism, we can’t control other people. These things are going to continue happening. What we can control is the ways that we process our stress. Emily and Amelia talk about the importance of completing the stress cycle. And for some of us, we may have decades of unprocessed stress inside of us, which can lead to all kinds of illnesses and damage to our internal organs, and a number of other sad and not great outcomes for us because unprocessed stress is really dangerous. So they have seven scientifically backed ways that can help us to process our stress and we can process long held stress as well as ongoing stress. And so they’re going to talk about all of that, both in the talk and in the book. That might be something for the two of you to check out. All of us could use that. 

It also might give your spouse a way to realize, “Wow, I have a lot going on.” And in general for all of us, when we’re stressed and we haven’t processed our stress, our resources tend to be much lower. When we have lower resources, we have much less room for patience and grace, pausing and responding rather than reacting. And the more we can resource ourselves and process our stress, the more likely we’re going to be able to be to hold those bigger emotions and then to make choices about them rather than just responding. I also highly recommend Tea and Empathy cards by Kate Kenfield, especially for people who don’t have a big vocabulary about their feelings, who are new to sharing their feelings, who are trying to learn how to deepen their relationship with their feelings.

These cards can be a really great way to externalize all the things that are on the inside and then to be able to have them witnessed and to talk about them, to move them around and put them into categories. And that can give us a little bit more perspective rather than just sitting and stewing in them. We can actually say, “I am not these things. But I am feeling them and let me use this tool as a way to find a little bit of context or to be able to have a dialogue around them.” It introduces a little bit of a pause, which is, again, important. We want to try and move from reaction to response. So if you have a chance to get Tea and Empathy cards, I highly recommend it. If that’s outside your ability right now to do then online you can find free things like the feelings wheel or feelings charts. You can do a similar thing, cut them out or write them on index cards and then have something for your spouse to actually be able to handle and manipulate so that they can start externalizing those feelings in a way that’s a little bit more helpful and productive.

Dawn Serra: There’s a whole bunch of other books out there on emotions. Karla Mclaren has written some great stuff specifically about anger and grief. I just finished reading Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly and Soraya is speaking at the summit all about anger. That might be something else for the two of you to check out. The last two chapters of Rage Becomes Her are all about ways that we can begin to have anger competence, ways that we can begin working with and having a relationship with our anger. So that instead of it becoming something that festers and becomes really dangerous, it’s something that can actually help move us towards deeper connection, deeper pleasure. Community anger is a really beautiful emotion when we learn how to have a relationship with it. So those are some of the places that I would go. 

I would also say if therapy is available to you, both of you might benefit from individual therapy for totally different reasons. So for your spouse, it might be helpful to get a therapist. Now all therapists are not created equal. There are a lot of therapists out there who will pathologize emotions and who will try and look back into childhood about why and all those kinds of things. I would recommend really looking for a therapist who’s non-normative, who is queer inclusive, who maybe has a history in narrative therapy or social justice work. Someone who’s not going to pathologize, but instead help your spouse to find new tools; to use these emotions as a way to actually catalyze that deeper connection and that relationship health that you want. And then for you EEP, having a therapist who can support you through this really challenging time and through these outbursts, to help you find ways to set boundaries that tend to yourself, for you to grieve the changes. Because as exciting as it is, there’s still change and sometimes that can bring up grief that we don’t even realize it needs to be seen. So I would also recommend that. 

Dawn Serra: I’m really glad that you’ve expressed how their outbursts are affecting you and that they agree they need to learn how to manage their emotions better. I suspect that’s going to have to be a conversation that you go back to multiple times. You cannot control your spouse. You can’t control how they manage their emotions, how they’re going to direct them at you or not. All you can do is say, “Here’s what works for me. Here’s what doesn’t. And here’s what I’m going to do when these things happen.” And then, if your spouse has one of those big outbursts following through on the thing you said you were going to do can be really, really important to help your spouse see the impact of their behavior and why they really need to work to respect those boundaries. 

All of our behavior tends to come from a coping mechanism or a need or a want. Andrea Papin, who is actually a counselor who’s speaking at this year’s summit also talks about this. That when we can turn towards behavior with some compassion to ask what is underneath this behavior, what is this person coping with or what is a need that’s being expressed through this behavior? Sometimes that helps to give us a little bit more space and compassion. If someone gets really upset and they’re just laying on the ground crying, being able to then circle back and ask some gentle questions later, might be really connecting. But it is really difficult when we get totally flooded to act from a place of compassion and response with that pause. And what I suspect is happening is that your spouse has moved so quickly towards these new emotions and expressing them, that they are beyond their zone or their window of tolerance. 

The one thing that I’ve learned, if anything else, is that when we’re dealing with trauma, when we’re dealing with repressed emotions, when we’re dealing with new stories or really big feelings. Moving slow is fast. So if you’re moving fast or quickly, that’s way too much for most of us. That’s why I think getting a little bit of professional support is probably a really good idea because it sounds like your spouse is outside that window of tolerance and so they’re in some type of coping situation. And that can happen to all of us. All of us cope in different ways. All of us react to certain things. So, of course, this is totally natural. But tending to yourself, I think, is really just going to come down to making those requests and following through. 

Dawn Serra: I think one of the most important things for this situation is going to be space. When we aren’t capable of pausing and then responding, when we’re only in a place where we know how to react, then sometimes the best thing we can do is to physically introduce space and to not try and have these conversations when either one of you flooded with big emotions. Having conversations about what’s happening when you’re both as a resource as possible is really important. Also, coming back together after an episode happens and doing a little bit of gentle investigating, making new requests. But my recommendation is for you to tend to yourself the best way that you can and often when those outbursts happen, it’s going to mean physically separating the spaces you’re in: leaving the room, leaving the house, pulling the car over and taking a walk, if there’s a child involved then taking the child with you; so that there is some space that happens and then there’s a chance to re-regulate and come back into the body. 

Another thing that feelings cards can be really helpful with is starting to map in the body where your spouse feels different emotions, yourself included. You can do this too. But one of the things we can do is if I notice that my chest is starting to get tight, that can be a sign that I’m about to move into a really big emotion wherever that is in my chest. So, for me, I can feel my shoulders tensing up when I’m starting to get really angry. Maybe I start making fists. If I can notice those things before I get to the place where I’m really angry, that can be another source of information. Listening to the body. And listening to the body in lower stress situations as a great introduction to that. Does your spouse notice when they’re hungry? Do they notice when their body wants to move? How are they about going to the bathroom when they feel certain sensations? Do they hold it forever until the last minute or do they pee when they need to pee? Those are all good information about what kind of relationship your spouse has with their body and that might be another entry point. 

If your spouse can feel that they’re starting to get a little bit short of breath and they’re taking shallower breaths, or if they notice they’re starting to get flushed and hot, that might be an opportunity to interrupt the cycle before it escalates and then they’re flooded. Once you’re in that state, it’s literally a fight or flight situation. So you can’t have any kind of real conversation or anything like that. It’s just a matter of then re-regulating the system and doing everything you can to come back down into that window of tolerance; where now your brain turns back on and you can actually think through and make choices about what you want to do. I think it’s going to come to boundaries, space, and then doing some work when you’re both nice and rested, and calm; around finding better language and finding sensations in the body for emotions as a way to increase access to information so that better choices can get made earlier in the process. And, of course, professional support, professional support, professional support could be so wonderful for the two of you through this process. 

Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for writing in, EEP. I know I threw a lot at you, but I hope that it gives you a good jumping off point and I hope that you join the summit. I think you’re going to find a lot of things there that are really, really super helpful. And just know that no matter how much your spouse is working through, at no point is abuse okay. At no point is emotional abuse is okay. Name calling, throwing things, making you feel unsafe. None of those things are okay. No matter how intense it might be for your spouse and what they’re going through. So take care of you and take care of your child. 

It might be a thing where it’s really important for your spouse to get that professional help with regulating their system and expressing themselves from a place of choice rather than from a place of reactivity. Because emotional abuse is a really, really fine line. It sounds like it’s being walked right now. So take care of you, set those boundaries, do whatever you need to protect your child and try and turn towards each other with love if that feels like the right thing to do. So thank you again and let’s move on to the next listener question.

Dawn Serra: This next question had two different points. I’m only going to address one of them right now. And even that is making me a little bit uncomfortable because I think I am not the best person to answer this. But I will circle back when I’ve got a disability justice activist or advocate or Andrew Gurza back on the show since this is about his episode. To dive a little bit deeper into the other part of the question that I’m not answering, and to circle back to this piece that I’m going to just gently poke at while recognizing that I am not the person who is impacted by the question. So Aussie Gal wrote in with a subject line of Disability and Sex. 

It says, thank you so much for episode 241 with Andrew Garcia. I have been a disability support worker in Australia for nearly three years and the company I work for does believe in people with disability living as close to a typical life of quote unquote nondisabled folks as possible with us as support to fill in the gaps that their disability presents. We do this through using SRV theory. Look it up. It will blow your mind and I know you will love it. So I have some things that I’d love to share that I thought when listening to the episode. 

The second thing in the email says this, the porn side that you spoke about with Andrew. On one hand, yes, yes, yes. Disability and sexuality need to be normalized. But on the other hand, is there potential here that it increases the vulnerability of disabled people? As we know, abuse happens in the majority of cases. The stats here in Australia are so alarming. Are we opening a door to further abuse by promoting sexuality of disabled people through porn? We should be able to see disability as a non-issue when it comes to sex. But because of the heightened vulnerability around disability, there is a greater risk. And also, people are distrusting and we’ll take advantage. This was a total mind blowing thought for me. On the one hand, I’m all for it. On the other hand, I’m concerned and I can’t come to a conclusion here, so I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks so much. Longtime listener and fan girl, Aussie Gal. 

Dawn Serra: There’s two distinct things that you’re talking about in this same question, which is disabled folks and sex, which is all about consent. And then there’s abuse. Conflating those two seems to be happening in this question. Disabled people, of all varieties, get to choose what happens to their body on their terms. Disabled folks have tremendous wisdom and a tremendous understanding of their unique bodies and their unique needs. And yes, abuse is rampant because we don’t respect care workers. We don’t pay them a livable wage. We don’t live inside of a consent culture. We don’t live inside of a culture that respects disabled folks. We are all steeped deeply in ableism and seeing disabled people is not full humans. So those things are true. But whether we’ve got more disabled bodies in porn or not, someone who’s going to abuse someone else is going to abuse them whether or not there’s increased representation. 

If someone’s going to abuse a disabled person around sex, then they’re going to abuse them whether or not they’re included in porn. So what we’re talking about is increasing the opportunity to see disabled sex happening on people’s own terms. Not only as a way for disabled people to be visible around their sexuality, but to give all of us a sense that there’s so many awesome ways to have sex regardless of what our bodies can do. And that’s an important thing. Representation matters. We wouldn’t want to say, let’s not put women in film or TV because we know that the vast amount of abuse that’s happening is to women. So let’s invisibilize them. What we want to say is let’s give women the power to tell their stories on their terms for themselves and make that as widely available as possible, so that more people have actual power. More people have actual access, and more people can understand what it looks like when someone is choosing from a place of power versus when someone is being commodified, sexualized, objectified. 

The same is true when it comes to porn and sex and disabled folks. We need to allow disabled folks all across the spectrum to be creating content that reflects bodies like theirs on their terms and give them the power to tell these stories; so that what we’re seeing as a representation of what’s possible from a place of power agency and autonomy. Invisibilizing people, in fact, makes them more vulnerable. Because people feel more disconnected, less like they have access and agency, and the last thing we want to do is contribute to ableism, which is what the invisibilizing around disabled sexuality is actually doing. Abusers are going to abuse because it’s about power. It’s not about sex. So if someone is going to abuse a disabled person, it’s because it’s giving them a sense of power and control. And because they don’t see that person is fully human. Whether or not we see disabled bodies and porn, that person still has that work to do. But if more disabled people were to see more people like them in pop culture, on television, in movies, and in porn, it would create so much more space for people to speak up and say, “This is what I want. This is what I don’t want. This is not okay.” What needs to be happening is centering disabled folks at every single level of our culture. Centering disabled folks and letting them create porn, centering disabled folks and letting them dictate care, centering disabled folks and letting them design spaces. Because when they have access, when they have care, when they have representation, we all will.

Dawn Serra: So I totally appreciate the question and I know it’s coming from a good place. You want to help people who are being abused to not be abused. And what we want to do is increase visibility, increase access, increase power, increase representation so that for the people who are abusing, it becomes more visible that this is not okay, this is not how this works, and people have more agency and more of an opportunity to say, “This is not okay. I can point to all of these things that tell me it’s not.” I hope that was really helpful, Aussie Gal. Thank you so much for writing in. I will get to the other part of your question the next time that I’ve got someone on the show who is a disability justice advocate and activist, and someone who can speak to intellectual disabilities, in a way that I cannot, soI will save the second half and circle back to it another time. Thank you so much for listening and for writing in. 

So that’s it for this week’s episode. I have so many more questions from all of you. It’s fantastic. Patreon supporters, Be sure to go check out those listener questions I’m posting, if you support it, the $5 level and above. And don’t forget bonus contents coming out a couple of days late this week because I am such a busy bee with Explore More Summit. But I hope all of you go and sign up and participate. Because holy shit, it’s going to be so extraordinary. And these talks are things you will carry with you for years to come. Roll around in them with me, celebrate in them with me, feel the feels in them with me. Join the Facebook group and ask questions and participate. All of it is available online exploremoresummit.com starting February 25th. I will talk to you next week. Bye.

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and to get awesome weekly bonuses. 

As you look towards the next week, I wonder, what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?