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Frustration, fear, and feeling stuck? Your questions, answered.
I’m at the Rehoboth Beach Film Festival, which means it’s time for listener questions!
But first, if you’re curious about coaching support, head to dawnserra.com – I have a few spots left before the end of the year.
girl out wrote in because her girlfriend hasn’t been coming out about their relationship, and she’s struggling with why. How can she tell her girlfriend that it bothers her without pushing her to come out? What if this conversation always leads to a fight?
Anonymous wrote in because she suspects her husband may be asexual. They’ve long had mismatched libidos and sexual desires, but he almost never wants to engage sexually with her and she’s wondering if he may be asexual. She also asks about my Sex Map game, which you can grab here for $9. It’s a really delightful way to start having new and curious conversations about sex and pleasure, especially if you’ve long been stuck in frustration or shame.
Finally, Dawn (no relation) is frustrated. VERY frustrated. Dawn and her husband are living with her mother-in-law who is always home and her adult son regularly drops by, so Dawn and her husband can’t ever have satisfying sex. They’ve all but given up, and working 3 jobs makes finding time nearly impossible. What can she do?
Follow Dawn on Instagram.
About Host Dawn Serra:
Dawn Serra is a therapeutic Body Trust coach and pleasure advocate. As a white, cis, middle class, queer, fat, survivor, Dawn’s work is a fiercely compassionate invitation for each of us to deepen our relationships with our bodies and our pleasure as an antidote to the trauma, disconnection, and isolation so many of us feel. Your pleasure matters. Your body is wise. Dawn’s work is all about creating spaces and places for you to explore what that means on your terms. To learn more, visit dawnserra.com or follow Dawn on Instagram.
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Episode Transcript
Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So, welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.
Welcome to this week’s episode. I am so excited to be here with you. It probably sounds a little bit different this week because I am recording from this great big beautiful beach house in Rehoboth Delaware. I am in the Washington DC area. It’s my first time being back in over two years. Sadly, I’m not going to have a chance to get to see Dylan which makes me so sad. But, I am here for the Rehoboth Film Festival and about 12 of my friends and I have rented this big beautiful beach house, offseason, so we saved a ton of money. And they are all off to see a film and I am here alone so that I can talk to you and be here with you this week.
Dawn Serra: It’s raining and it’s cold and dark, but it’s kind of cozy all at the same time. But I know this space sounds a little different. There’s big open space and hardwood floors, so bear with me if it sounds a little echo-y. I also want to remind everybody that my pleasure course is going to be released in a few weeks. So if you want to get on the pre-notification list that is still open, and I will have a link in the show notes for that. It’s going to be a five week course all about finding power in your pleasure. And this is especially important for women, queer folks, trans folks, people in fat bodies, disabled bodies, people of color; anyone for whom being in their body and for experiencing pleasure is rather radical and maybe foreign. So, if you could use a reconnection to your pleasure and your senses, you want to find a way to really step into the power and the freedom that can offer then be sure to check out my pleasure course pre-information page. The link is in the show notes.
Also, my coaching practice still has a few spaces left before the end of the year. Several of you have reached out and I am so excited to be working with you. If you could use a little help getting unstuck, processing some feels about your body, struggles with your relationship, questions or shame around sex. Please go to dawnserra.com. There’s a “Work with Me” page where you can learn all about my coaching practice. Rates go up January 2019. So now’s a great time to jump in.
Dawn Serra: So this week’s episode is me fielding your questions. You’ve been sending me some amazing questions and I could use more – even more questions. So, if there’s anything that you could use some advice around, some resources around. If you’re feeling like you don’t know where to go with a problem that you’re having or you’re curious about something and you don’t know how to get advice about it just head to dawnserra.com. There’s a send a note feature. You can send me a note and leave your information or you can do it anonymously. And I need more questions, because I’m going to do lots of listener question episodes as we get closer to the holidays. So send in your stuff, so that maybe you can be featured on the show the same way that I am doing now.
If you want to be someone that helps me field listener questions, Patreon supporters, if you support at $3 and above, you get bonus weekly content. It’s $3 a month and you get four weeks for the bonuses. And if you support it $5 in a month, not only do you get access to all the bonus content, but you get to help weigh in on listener questions. I post listener questions every once in a while and you can weigh in with your own advice and your own thoughts. And then, sometimes I share those on the show. So if you want to put your sex educator cap on and do what I do. You can support at $5. That’s at patreon.com/SGRpodcast.
Dawn Serra: Let’s jump into the first listener question. There are some amazing ones this week. So, here’s the first one. It comes from Girl Out and the subject line is, “My girlfriend does not add up.” The email says,
“Okay, I am a girl and I’m dating a girl. We’ve been together for almost eight months but we both technically aren’t out. I’ve told a couple of people who are close to me and we told a couple people together. However, my girlfriend has not told anyone in her life. And every time I asked her about it, she says she doesn’t care if they know but she doesn’t know how to bring it up. Even when she’s given the perfect opportunity to tell them about me – she doesn’t. I do not understand why she hasn’t told anyone. Everytime I tried to ask, we get into huge fights. We’re in a really good place and we’re sure we want to be together, especially after a short separation. So I guess my question is, how do I address this with her and what can I do to make it clear that it’s upsetting me without it seeming like I’m pushing her?”
This is a fantastic question and it’s a complex one. Coming out is a very personal process. We all have our own stories and relationships with what coming out means and whether we’re coming out as gay or lesbian or queer or asexual or poly or kinky or intersex or any other type of non-normative identity. We have complicated relationships with that.
Dawn Serra: For some people, coming out is super easy, and it’s super exciting because they finally figured out, “This is who I am and I want to tell the whole world.” For other people, it’s terrifying and they don’t want to tell anyone for years because there’s a lot of shame or because they’ve seen other people in their lives have terrible experiences or because they’re not sure it’s something they even want to share. But for each person, coming out is, one, an ongoing process. You don’t just do it once. You do it over and over and over again – to different people and in different situations. And it’s a deeply personal process. It can be really frustrating when one person is coming out in a relationship and the other one isn’t. We have to decide what is our capacity for that.
There’s so many different reasons why people choose to come out or choose not to come out. And a lot of those reasons are tied to growing up and stories we learned or religion or culture or fears we have, traumas music we’ve experienced. Whether or not we feel safe, whether or not we are willing to risk losing or changing relationships with people we care about. So it makes sense that you two would be having different experiences around this coming out process, and you might move at radically different rates.
Dawn Serra: A friend of mine who has known that he was gay since his early 20s and who is now in his 50s never came out to his family; and still hasn’t come out to most of his family despite being in many very long term relationships. I know other people who have known that they were queer or kinky and have never told anyone in their lives. They just quietly do this thing in their private life and they don’t tell anyone about it and they have their reasons. The people they’re in relationship with have to decide whether are not that something that can tolerate. It’s really great that you’re noticing you don’t want to be pushing her. That’s an important thing.
We don’t want to rush people or push people to do things that don’t feel safe or that they don’t feel ready for. Because there’s a reason, probably, that your girlfriend is hesitant. There’s something in her that feels like it needs protecting, and whether or not that’s true, the fact that she’s experiencing that feeling is also true. So, she might be secretly afraid that she’s going to have to have these really challenging conversations with people or that they’re going to treat her differently. Maybe they will and maybe they won’t, but the feeling and the fear around that is real. So she’s going to have to grapple with that process. What level of out does she want to be and with whom and how does she want to do it? Does she want to do it in writing or in private or does she want to be in a relationship for a while before she really does that.
Dawn Serra: You have to decide how important is it to you that the person you’re with is out. If it’s really important to you and that’s a core value, then that might determine how much you can tolerate inside of this relationship. If you decide it’s a “nice to have” but the relationship that you have is more important than whether or not she’s out, that’s also something you’re going to have to ask yourself. I think the important thing is to realize you can’t control her behavior. All you can do is let her know how you feel. And then, she’s going to do what she’s going to do and you’re going to do what you’re going to do. It’s okay to say, “I’m feeling hurt by this. And I hate that we get into really big fights.” It’s also okay to get really curious.
It sounds like when this comes up, it becomes really tense. And so I’m wondering, what would it be like to approach this conversation from a place of playfulness and curiosity? What if you were to ask her, “Hey, can we have a conversation about our histories and our relationships with other people who have come out? I’d love to know who in your life you’ve known who has come out and what that experience has been like for you to witness. And I’d love to share that with you. What are the movies you’ve watched where people came out? What are the stories you tell yourself about what it means when people come out?” If there’s a way to kind of have a more general conversation that’s about movies, pop culture, other people in her life; and to start building the muscle of having this conversation in a much lower stakes situation that might build a little bit more trust and a little bit more safety for the more vulnerable edgy conversation to then come up. But you have to decide, do you want to put in that work and why is this important to you.
I think that’s something else to really sit with. Is it important to you that she comes out because you don’t want to be a secret? Or because you want to be as out as possible? Or because you feel like that’s just what people are supposed to do? What are the stories inside of that? And is it because you secretly are afraid that if she’s not sharing about you that it means something about you as a person? So I think some curiosities and investigating, and it’s always a really good idea when we have really tender conversations or conversations that tends to lead to fights or to tears to scale back. How can we have this conversation in a way that’s not ultra personal but more general? Other people in your lives and other sources of information. And then, to slowly start working it towards the more personal and the more vulnerable as you build that muscle in that practice and you both find your way up to talking about this.
Dawn Serra: It’s also not a terrible idea to reach out for professional help. If the two of you are really committed to this relationship and you just find, “This is a place where we really struggled talking about it and every single time it turns into a fight, and we’ve tried all these different things and it just doesn’t work.” Well, maybe one or two sessions with a therapist or with a coach could be the perfect way to just shift the perspective around the conversation and to get someone coming in who can help the two of you moderate the conversation – to find new ways to do it. There’s nothing wrong with working with a professional. Just a couple of times to get a little boost and skills, and to get a little bit of a new perspective and then you can go off to the races. Use those new skills in all kinds of new yummy ways.
Honor the frustration. I think it’s important that you know that it’s upsetting you. It’s okay to just say, “It hurts and I’m not asking you to do anything differently. I don’t need you to explain yourself. I just need to be witnessed. I need you to know that this is hurting me. And if you want to talk about that great and if you don’t, that’s okay. I just want you to know, here’s where I am and it’s okay for you to be where you are.” But make sure you mean that – it’s not a source of manipulation or coercion. It’s just really genuinely you saying, “Here’s what I’m feeling and can you just sit in that with me? And I’d love to know what you’re feeling but if you don’t want to share, that’s okay.”
So there’s a number of ways that you can kind of manage this and I hope that a little bit of curiosity and a little bit of playfulness might inject some new energy into something that feels a little bit tense and a little bit sticky. Thank you so much for writing in. Please do report back. Let me know if you’re able to have the conversation. If you’re going to get some help from a professional, if you found a way to actually finally get some input on what this experience is like for her. I’d love an update down the road. Good luck.
Dawn Serra: This next email came from someone and I’m not sure if they want me to use their name. So I’m not. I’m just gonna say anonymous. The subject line is “Possible asexual husband – How do I even get started?”
“Hi, Dawn. Thank you so much for your wonderful podcast and all of the wonderful things you put out into the world. I’ve been listening for some time now and I am just amazed at how much more positive I feel, not only about sex and relationships, but about the world in general after listening to you. I feel like I’ve heard you talk about this before but for the life of me, I can’t remember what episode and I’m pretty sure it was a long time ago. If you know which episode it was and come directly to it. I would greatly appreciate it. If not, here’s my question: I believe my husband may be asexual but I’m not sure how to bring it up with him without damaging his pride or ego? He’s not an overtly “manly man.” But I do feel like this is a sensitive subject, especially with the societal pressure that men get to be the sex hungry, virile alpha in a relationship.”
“So a little about us. We’ve been together for 16 years this year. Married for almost 11. I have always been the more sexually adventurous and aggressive one of us – usually me being the initiator for most of our sexual encounters. Unfortunately, after two kids and the body changes that come with that, always having to be the instigator and occasionally just being turned down. It’s really starting to mess with my self esteem. I’ve tried to bring up things like the 30 days of sex challenge to him – offering to make any of his fantasies come to life and bringing in toys or accessories. But he’s never interested and just nods and smiles to placate me and then doesn’t follow through with spicing up our sex life. I’d love to try some kink. But at this point, even vanilla sex isn’t happening.”
“Now that I’m thinking he may be asexual it makes more sense and take some of the sting of rejection away. But I’m left feeling sexually frustrated and needing more without knowing how to bring this up. My husband is a wonderful man, a phenomenal husband, the best dad, and I do totally love him. But he doesn’t handle confrontation well and we’ll just do or say whatever to placate me when I try to talk to him about uncomfortable things. How do I have this crucial conversation with him? I was looking at some of your wonderful products and resources online, but I wasn’t sure if I should start with the sex maps or the Relationship Connection Kit. We’re losing our connection to each other because of this frustration on my end, so I’m not sure what the best place to start is. I’m sorry for the brutally long email, but I sincerely appreciate any feedback or help you can provide me with this on this very vulnerable situation. Thank you for reading this and for everything you do to continue to improve the world on a daily basis.”
Dawn Serra: Well, first, I just want to say thank you so much for all of the kind words and the compliments and for tuning in for so long and for all of the support. It means so much to me and I’m always deeply, deeply, deeply moved, when people let me know that something that I’m doing has had an impact on their life. So thank you for sharing that piece. And I also just want to honor this sounds like a really frustrating and painful place to be and that is super valid. Conversations like this and questions like this, especially when it comes to having differing levels of sexual interest in a relationship can just feel so isolating and painful. Because we don’t really see much of that modeled anywhere in the world, it’s not really openly talked about other than in really dire circumstances and kind of doom and gloom results. So we don’t have a lot of places to turn.
I think it’s an interesting hypothesis, of thinking your husband may be asexual. The only way to know if someone is asexual is if they identify themselves as such. Having a conversation about it in order to actually ask is certainly something that you can do. My guess is he will probably feel defensive about it and who knows where that might go. But I think that that’s definitely an option and I’m glad that it’s on the table that you want to be able to have that conversation.
Dawn Serra: It’s also entirely possible that he is someone who just has a really low sex drive and maybe he feels a lot of shame about it. Or maybe because of stress or shame or the relationship he has with his body. Sex is something that he struggles with. There’s so many different reasons why this might be a subject where he both avoids and feels really tender or turned off. Much like all of us if we are feeling really stressed or insecure about something, it’s hard to feel sexy. Even when someone is like, “I so want you!” If the stories inside of us run counter to that, it can be hard to let that in and to believe it.
We don’t know what’s going on with him. We just know what’s going on with you, which is that you’re suffering and you want to be able to have these conversations. And so, I really appreciate that you’re reaching out and asking for support around resources. Now, the Sex Map Game, which is something that folks can buy – right now, it’s a little $9 PDF and you just print it at home and play it, is a way to change the ways that we engage in sexual conversation. The Sex Maps might be a great place for you to start if your husband’s on board, because it’s a way to actually start talking about sex without sex being on the table. So many of us are afraid to engage in conversations around sex. Because often when we start having conversations, the other people that we’re talking to feel like it’s an invitation to then try and engage in sex. And for a lot of people that can feel really threatening and that might be true for your husband. Your husband, at this point, might know that you would love to have sex and you want to try things you want to spice things up, and maybe he feels a deep sense of shame that he keeps failing you. So, at this point, any talk around sex might make him feel like, “Well, if I talk about sex, then she’s going to want sex and I don’t want to get into the discussion about why I don’t want sex. I’m not going to talk about sex at all. I’m going to shut this conversation down as quickly as possible.”
Dawn Serra: So, one of the rules for the Sex Map Game is to really come at it from a sense of play, curiosity, and fun and remembering that this isn’t about leading to sex. It’s about really, truly getting to know each other’s landscapes. What were the things you fantasized about as a kid? What was your first sexual experience like? What are your favorite movies now that are sexy? What were your favorite movies when you were younger that were sexy? What sex scenes made a really huge impression on you? Who talked to you about sex for the first time? What are some fantasies you’ve always had and never want to live out? All those kinds of things.
The great thing about the sex nap game is there are some kinky sets of questions and there’s some make your own questions. So being able to have a conversation around asexuality might be one of those make your own questions that you could work into it. And, it can be a nice little way to just do some reconnecting. It doesn’t have to be a thing where you sit down and do all the questions – there’s like 89 of them or something. Instead, you could say, “I would love for us to be able to have more connecting conversations and there’s this really fun game. And we can just do one or two questions tonight and then if we enjoy it, maybe next week, we can do one or two more questions.” You can just slowly grow and build and find some of that curiosity and playfulness again in an area where there’s some stickiness. That might be a wonderful entry point into getting to talk about his experiences with shame, and with libido, and with pleasure, and the stories that he carries about his body and give you a chance to share your own. All without that pressure and that expectation that this is going to turn into something that I then have to act on. So creating that low pressure a situation where shame can take a backseat for a little while can be a really great thing.
Dawn Serra: It’s one of the reasons why I love the Sex Map so much. I am hoping and I’m working right now with Alex on the design. But in early 2019, I want to turn that Sex Map PDF into an actual set of cards in a little box that you can buy like a real little card deck game. So, we’re working on that. Hopefully, that’ll come out soon. But you can still just go get the little PDF for nine bucks now, if you want. I’ll include a link in the show notes for everybody. So I do think that could be a really good resource for you.
I’m also wondering, would outside help – professional help, be something you’d be interested in? What if you had someone like a therapist or a coach who could help to facilitate some new conversations and a little bit of ease, would your husband be open to something like that? Where maybe he feels like there’s going to be some support or some new perspectives coming in and a place where there’s a little bit of discontent. And I think at a minimum, being able to just say, “You are a wonderful man and you are a phenomenal husband, and you are the best dad, and I’m totally in love with you. And there’s something that I’m struggling with. Can I get your help with it? Can we talk a little bit about this, even if it’s hard? And maybe we need to have the conversation a couple of times. But I really want us to be able to talk about this. Even if nothing changes. I just want us to be able to talk openly about this and I feel like I can’t.” And see if you can get his buy in. Would he be willing to at least have a couple of conversations about the feelings that you’ve been having and the things you want to know the things that you’re curious about and then bring up your question around like, “Do you experience sexual attraction?”
Dawn Serra: I mean, really, asexuality comes down to experiencing sexual attraction and sexual wanting and sexual desire. Maybe your husband does experience sexual wanting maybe he does experience sexual feelings but actually engaging with sex comes with all these other stories because our lives are super complicated especially if we’ve been together for a long time and this has felt like a taboo or a touchy subject for a really long time. We can tell so many stories about it. Maybe he’s in the gray zone on the asexual to sexuality or to sexual spectrum where maybe he does feel sexual attraction once he knows someone but not when it’s a stranger or maybe it’s super contextual.
I’d also really think it would be interesting. What was it like for the two of you way back at the beginning of your relationship? What was sex like then? What was the energy like between you then? And is that something that the two of you can reminisce about? And then think about maybe where you’d like to be at some point down the road, rather than focusing on the here and now where there’s probably a whole bunch of feelings, and guilt, and stuck energy. Can you talk about the past and can you talk about a potential future or many potential futures as a way to just get a little bit of movement around that? And also, what kind of support do you need? How can you meet yourself as a sexual erotic being? If your husband is in a place right now where he can’t meet you in that way – How can you honor that side of yourself?
Dawn Serra: One of the things that a lot of my coaching clients really enjoy doing is getting into erotica writing. And if you’re not a writer, maybe even recording erotic scenes in an audio way. But a place where you can explore different versions of yourself – different things you’d like to try. Try on different characters and just allow that side of yourself to feel alive and to feel expressed. How would your husband feel about you going to some workshops, even if it wasn’t to find play partners, but just to learn and to grow? Maybe that’s a conversation to have. But while this piece with your husband is something that you’re kind of navigating and working through, how can you at that same time, honor and celebrate the sexual erotic you? How can you let that side of you breathe and come out? How can you seduce yourself and be sensual with yourself? How can you get creative with maybe painting or like I mentioned writing or spoken word and poetry? Something that just allows you to be connected to that side of you that feels all of these really yummy, valid, delicious things. So I think a multi-pronged approach is a really great idea.
I know we talked a little teeny bit about asexuality earlier on the show. I’ve been in contact and sending some emails out to some asexuality experts. So hopefully, I’ll get one on the show in the very near future, because that’s a big gaping hole on the show. We really need to have some yummy conversations about asexuality and being aromantic. So hopefully soon, I’ll have more resources that you can tune into. But in the meantime, talk to your husband about the Sex Map Game. Maybe it’s something he’d be willing to do or about getting some professional support so that the two of you can find an easier way to navigate this space and at a minimum celebrate the erotic sexual you in whatever ways you can and get creative. Maybe it’s through dance, maybe it’s through pottery and making erotic forms out of clay. I mean, there’s so many ways that you can allow the side of yourself to come out. And just letting your husband know, all of the things you said to me about him and how much you totally love him and admire him; and that you want this to be a thing that even if it’s awkward or uncomfortable, that the two of you can use as a connecting point to strengthen the relationship, not as proof that the relationship is weakening. I think that’s a really key when we’re having these tough conversations. That you want this to be a place of connection and strengthening, rather than a place of chipping away at or degrading the relationship proof that something is wrong. That reassurance can go a really long way. Thank you so much for writing in. I’m going to you back also as some of this stuff since you provided your information. And I wish you the best of luck and please do send in an update.
Dawn Serra: This is going to be our last question of this week. I’m keeping it a little bit short since I am in the middle of a film festival and there’s a film coming up soon that I need to go catch with all of my friends. So here’s the final email that I got. It’s someone whose name is Dawn, which is fun. Hi, Dawn. It’s Dawn. And the subject line said “A few things going on.”
“To start, I’m frustrated, angry and, yes, frustrated. My husband and I live in my retired non-driving mother-in-law’s house and my 20-year-old son is home quite often too. Sex is difficult because I tend to be vocal during sex and if I can’t be vocal, which is 99% of the time, I’m completely frustrated. It’s my outlet of enjoyment and I can’t ever express it. We tend to have boring missionary sex, so we both get off minimally and then it’s over. I work two jobs. He works at night. So our tiny, teeny little time slots are quick and boring – just so that we can say we’re having sex, but in reality, it really sucks. When we go somewhere overnight, which is maybe two times a year, we always have amazing sex. And I want that all the time. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m literally at the point where sex at home has become no fun at all because I’m constantly worried that someone will hear us. So I choose not to do it at all. My husband is not happy about this of course, but I can’t fully enjoy it with the whole family practically in the next room. What the fuck do I do?”
Dawn Serra: Oh, my God. I so feel that frustration. I’m so sorry this is happening and I know that if there was an easy fix, you would have found it by now. So this is one of those life situations where it’s just complicated and fucking messy. And that happens to so many of us for so many reasons, whether it’s kids or illness or family or money or living situations or jobs situations or all of the above, or disability or age. I mean, there’s so many ways that life interrupts our joy and makes our pleasure finding difficult and challenging. And that is super real. You are not alone. So many people are in a situation similar to yours. And I just want to like honor the realness of that. You are not doing anything wrong. Life just fucking gets in the way sometimes and it blows. That’s just the bottom line.
As for what to do, I think the most important thing when we get into situations like this is, one, here’s the truth right now. This is where we are and we’re going to have to get creative. Hopefully, this is a temporary situation. If there’s an opportunity for you to move at some point or for your mother-in-law to maybe join some type of club and be gone at a certain day, every week that you can plan around, maybe your 20 year old son is going to come homeless often. Hopefully, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. It might be many years down the road, but hopefully, you can kind of keep your eye on that knowing at some point down the road, “I’m going to be able to have the loudest fucking banshee sex that I want, as often as I want whenever I want. And that time is not now. So what can we do now?”
Dawn Serra: Creativity, I think,is one of the most crucial skills we can cultivate in our lives for so many reasons. When it comes to our relationships, with food, with our body, with our play, with our pleasure, with our sex, with our work – the more creativity that we can bring into it and the more ways that we have to express ourselves, the more variety we have available to us as life inevitably gets in the way.
If being vocal during sex is a really key part of it for you, then let’s get creative about ways you can remain vocal and then change the other contexts and situations around you. So, if you only have these teeny tiny time slots, I’m wondering, is there a way that the two of you can go for a little five minute drive somewhere and you can have super loud car sex? Maybe it’s fingers, maybe it’s toys, maybe it’s mouths. Maybe it’s not full intercourse, but it’s some kind of super sexy naughty little, five minute super loud romp in the car down a dirt road. Can you ask your mother-in-law and your son to not be at home at a certain time once a week? Is there a way that you can offer to have someone pick up your mother-in-law or arrange of driving service like an Uber or Lyft, or even you yourselves, drive her ask her or go to a neighbor’s house down the road and just say, “We really need some time to nurture our relationship. Our marriage is important to us and we need some time to just be on our own in this small time window at least once a week.” If family members can’t respect that, then the problem is not the request. The problem is the family members and navigating those boundaries and requests.
So maybe there’s a way that you can have your mother-in-law take a walk at a certain time each week or you can have her – someone drive her to the grocery store or she can take the bus and you can ask your son one day a week at this time, no one else is in the house, but us. And maybe it’s just 20 minutes. But start with where you can and then build on top of it. Is there a way to meet each other kind of midpoint between you leaving one of your jobs and your husband heading to his and then doing something in a really low cost motel once a month? Or is there a way for him to ball gag you or add some type of cover to your mouth so you can scream but it’s much more quiet and that might not work all the time. But some of the times.
Dawn Serra: Thinking kind of outside the box, I think, is is sometimes our only option. And it’s not because we’ve done something wrong, and yes, it can feel super unfair and frustrating. Life inevitably is going to show up in some way consistently, that makes the things that are important to us and that we want to do – hard. It’s not easy to prioritize time with our bodies, and time with our food, and time with our loved ones, and being loud and expressed in ways that we need to. If there’s ways to get really creative around that. Maybe silence sex is only part of the time and maybe you get more creative with that sex. Maybe it’s fingers and toys – “This week, we’re only going to use our mouths and I have to be quiet because we’re role playing. And then we’re going to, next week, go out in the car and I’m going to scream my head off,or we’re going to go out into some field where I can be as loud as I want.”
It’s going to take a little bit of time and a little trial and error, but I think the more that you can get creative and find these little pockets and little ways of meeting each other where you can, it’ll at least, one, get some of that frustrated energy moving. And, two, find new ways to connect with each other. But I especially like the idea of making the request that you and your husband have that set time every week where you two get the house to yourself for X amount of time because it’s about nurturing your relationship with each other. your mother-in-law should absolutely understand the importance of setting aside some special quality, prioritize time for a husband and a wife or for people in committed relationship. And your 20 year old son is old enough to understand that relationships take work and they take prioritization and he can’t come home. Even if he’s in the area, you can go sit at the library. You can go sit at the coffee shop. You can do whatever it is, and not come home during this 30 minutes, so that you two at least have those couple of minutes. Those 15 those 30 of those 45 minutes – once a week, just once a week, you can be naked and loud and having fun, and then try and find those tiny little pockets in other ways to maybe do it outside of the home more to use other accessories that may be make you a little bit more quiet. But still something fun is happening.
Dawn Serra: Recognize when there’s lots of things that can’t be shifted in our lives. We just have to get creative. We’re allowed to be really frustrated and disappointed about that because it’s real. It’s not what we envisioned. It might not be what we want, but it’s where we are. So what’s the best that we can do with it? And how can we care for ourselves through that? How can we ask for support? Maybe some friends can offer to take your mother-in-law to their house, once a night or once a week for dinner, or maybe some friends can offer up their home at a certain time. If you’re good friends with a neighbor or good friends with someone whose home is maybe near the two of your jobs when you’ve got a little bit of time, if your friends can say, “Look, we’ll be out of the house once a week for you this time and we’ll do this for the next couple of months because we need to.” I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request of friends.
I hope that just gives you some ideas. And I’m so sorry things are so frustrating. I know you are not alone. There are lots of people listening who are feeling as frustrated in similar ways. I hope that you’re able to find something that makes it really fun and really interesting. And please do report back.
Dawn Serra: If you’ve got a question, you could use some support. Please do write in. I am seeking more listener questions. Of course, Patreon supporters a bonus is coming your way. I’m going to be at the film festival for the next couple of days and pretty jam-packed so your Patreon bonus is going to be a day or two late. On Monday, I will be traveling down to my sister’s house and I will have a little bit of time for me where I can get that Patreon bonus up so definitely stay tuned for that. patreon.com/SGRpodcast. If you want to send in your questions dawnserra.com and, of course, the resources that I mentioned in the links about the pleasure course, about coaching, and about the Sex Map Game are in the show notes for this episode so please check it out. Until next time, I’m Dawn Serra. Bye.
Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses.
As you look towards the next week, I wonder what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?