Sex Gets Real 220: Body trust. Trans sex woes. Self-harm scars.

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A passionate lover. Body trust. Trans sex woes. Self-harm scars.

Hello from Portland! I am here for BeNourished’s Reclaiming Body Trust Intensive and it is hitting me hard. I’m still processing so much, and while I talk about the experience a bit this week on the show, I have some REALLY JUICY TIDBITS about trauma, bodies, trust, and healing in the Patreon bonus for the week.

A huge thank you to the two generous sponsors of this week’s episode:

TomboyX is gender-neutral, size-inclusive, eco-friendly undies and listeners get 15% off! How? Head to tomboyx.com/sexgetsreal and then use code SEXGETSREAL at check-out for 15% off. THIS COMPANY IS JOY. More please.

Sugar Bear Hair is a delicious hair vitamin that’s vegetarian, packed with hair-healthy vitamins, and is allergen free. Want to check it out? Please do – it helps the show. Head to sugarbearhair.com/sgr.

So, what questions am I fielding this week?

PassionateLover shares a story of a new delicious lover who is pleasing her in the most unexpected and hot ways. Yay for folks in bigger bodies finding appreciative and generous lovers!

May has self-harm scars on her body and she wants to know when to bring it up with new partners and how. Is it a first date conversation? Is it something to hold off on? What if they realize she lied about more visible scars?

While I’m not a self-harm expert, I do have some thoughts about how May can tend to herself and be transparent when it feels good for her. Because we never owe someone our medical history and setting boundaries around that is OK.

Ellis has 99 problems and maybe being a transman is one of them. Why are the cis women Ellis is seeing not interested in penetration but then leave Ellis to be in a relationship with a cis dude? Is it bad luck? Is it something else?

Let’s explore it.

Finally, Lala wants to know if I miss sleeping with women. Curious to know the answer? Tune in for more.

Follow Dawn on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye

Hello from Portland, everyone! I am down here for a weekend with Be Nourished. I am attending the Reclaiming Body Trust Weekend Intensive. Day one is over. It is– Well, first of all, it’s so hot. It is so hot this weekend. It was 99 degrees Fahrenheit. When I drove into the city yesterday, I got super sunburned on my six-hour drive down from Vancouver BC. I am so happy to be here. Dana and Hilary from Be Nourished are people that I have long admired. They were a part of Explore More this year, which was so incredible. So it’s really great to be down here with them. 

We are talking all about body trust and reclaiming pleasure and knowing and wanting and listening to our bodies on our terms. It’s been really powerful to be in this space with all of these people, who are really different levels of confronting diet culture and weight stigma, who have either long been on the journey for many, many years or who just are starting to hear about this and don’t really know what body trust looks like or fat phobia is. And the stories, the tears, the depth, it’s really powerful stuff. It’s the kind of thing that I think I’m going to be thinking about for many, many, many months that I slowly unpack and live my way into. 

Dawn Serra: I am deeply grateful to be here doing this work with them. I’m also just really conscious of the fact that this is a gift to myself. I know all the theories. I know all the research. I know all the researchers and so many of the people in this field. I am deeply immersed in Health at Every Size and fat activism and body positivity. But there is a difference between knowing in your mind and feeling in your bones the truth. You can know all the research about the damage that weight stigma causes. You can know all the research and all the techniques for Health at Every Size and the power of being in a body no matter what size it is that moves and that experiences love and acceptance. But to actually confront the many onion layers of stories, that so many of us carry – the trauma, the rejection, the pain, the ways that we have coped with so many things throughout our lives. It’s this ongoing process. As Dana and Hilary say, body trust is a practice and you never arrive. I feel like I’ve peeled back so many layers and I’m reaching new tender places inside of me. Inside of those tender places, there’s a lot of anger and a lot of grief. 

It feels really incredible to be in a space where those emotions and others are deeply welcomed. I don’t know when the last time was that you were in a space where your rage and your tears and your fears were welcomed with generosity and witnessing and support without rushing to fix you or change you or pat things back into place. It’s been wonderful to not only witness others and their pain and stories, but also to just feel myself being compassionate around my stories and my feelings. 

Dawn Serra: So tomorrow we’re going to spend the whole day talking about pleasure and working towards body trust. I cannot wait to see what comes up with that. But I’ll share more next week after I have a chance to really live my way through the weekend with Be Nourished. If you’re interested in attending, you can if you’re anywhere near Portland. They’re doing another one in the fall of this Reclaiming Body Trust Weekend. So totally be sure to check it out. I am utterly in awe, in love with the work that they do. I cannot recommend it highly enough. 

Dr. Lori Brotto said yes to being on the show. So we are just trying to find a date and a time when this very busy sex researcher and doctor can be on the show to talk all about her brand new book, “Better Sex Through Mindfulness.” I’ve got some other really, really rad folks lined up. Stella Harris is going to come on to talk about her new book. I’ve got Ev’Yan Whitney who’s going to come on and talk about the erotic and such awesome stuff. Which means I don’t have that much more time to keep poring through all of your emails. But we are going to do our best today. There are some juicy, interesting questions about self-harm and trans issues and this really cute, sweet, hot email that I got from PassionateLover. So we’re going to start there. 

Dawn Serra: PassionateLover wrote in with a subject line of “New found passion.” “Hi, Dawn! First of all, I love your podcast. I’m missing Dylan. I’ve gone all the way back to episode one. While writing this, I’m listening to Episode 113 about fat sex. I have to say, it speaks volumes to me. So I wanted to share my story. I’m a 27 year old, full-figured woman who’s struggled with body issues since I was nine years old. My parents told me I wouldn’t be happy because I wasn’t thin. Even now my step mom will make comments about my weight and say things like I won’t find someone to love me or why wouldn’t I want to lose weight, so I can be happy and healthy. And to those haters, I say, ‘Fuck off.’ It’s my life and my body. I’ve learned to love myself no matter what weight I’m at. 

Anyways, my point is, after being single the last seven years, I found myself in a relationship that truly makes me happy. This man has made me feel like a goddess and tells me every day how beautiful I am inside and out. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship. But I’ve fallen for someone who makes me want to be a better person and vice versa. What a slap in the face to the people who said I wouldn’t find someone to love my body. We’ve been together for several months. In the short time span, I’ve realized what slow, hot, sexy, sweaty passion is. I’ve never felt so close to someone. It’s like when he’s inside me, we’re one. When I want to change positions or I want him to do something like rub my clit, all I do is look at him and he knows what I want. 

Dawn Serra: But what really makes me feel amazing is when I kiss him. He tells me I have a superpower. Because every time I kiss him, he gets hard. That’s never happened before. I have to say I love it. I’m usually into more kinky pleasures. But spending all of this time building arousal and having him love every inch of my body and really take the time to make sure that I get off multiple times before he does… Oh, I just felt like sharing all of this because I don’t really have anyone else to share it with. So thank you for taking the time to read my story. Thank you for all of the advice and the information you give. I’ll be sure to send a steamy update the next time we have something passionate happen. My next email? Yep! It will be a steamy confession. I’m sure. Much love, PassionateLover.” 

Thank you so much for listening and for writing in PassionateLover. I love that you have found someone who wants to make slow, hot, passionate, sexy love with you and that you’re savoring and trusting that pleasure and that worshiping. You totally deserve it. 

Dawn Serra: I got another email that I’m not going to read this time. I’ll read it another time. But it was basically from someone who was responding to a recent message where a woman was talking about how her husband was telling her that he was disgusted by her body because she was in a fat body. This person who wrote in in response was like, “We all have preferences and he’s allowed to not be attracted to her body.” To which I want to just offer this. One, her body never changed. That was an important part of her letter. Her husband expressing that and so cruelly, was not at all about her body because her body hadn’t changed.

Second of all, the “preferences” that we have are deeply, deeply informed by social and cultural norms. The “preferences” that feels so personal to us are actually informed by our families, our community, the images that we’ve been taking in since we were 2, 3, 4, 5 years old, the Disney cartoons and the movies that we’ve watched. They have all trained us in the things that we are supposed to find desirable and sexy. That means those things can be changed. 

Dawn Serra: When we redo our desire map, when we confront the stories we have, we can start experiencing attraction and desire and delicious longing for people that we never thought that we would feel that towards. It’s worked that when we love someone, we need to do. Plus, it’s just an awesome thing to start doing now because almost all of the desirable politics that we exist inside of are based deeply on racism, white supremacy, fat phobia, ableism, ageism, endless, endless, endless capitalist oppression. The more that we can really do the work to rewrite our desire map, which is absolutely possible. One of the easiest ways to start doing that is to just start filling our feeds with new pictures and normalizing different kinds of bodies that we’re not typically exposed to, we find that suddenly things that we didn’t think were beautiful become deeply beautiful. 

I will read that email in its entirety in another time. But I just want to offer for people who are like, “Some people don’t like fat bodies.” That’s true. As a fat person, I don’t want somebody in my life that’s just tolerating my body. And we can change that preference. It’s not hardwired in our DNA. It’s entirely cultural and social. So I just want to offer that before I read this next question. 

Dawn Serra: Okay. I got this really interesting email. Alex and I were disagreeing about the advice. So I will be curious to see what Alex thinks of my answer. But someone wrote in with the subject line, “How to address self-harm in intimate moments.” “Hi, Dawn! Longtime listener. First time ‘caller.’ – Just super cute – Thanks for your great work on this show. I love your warm and caring attention to listener questions. I wanted to get your thoughts on a matter related to self-harm. I hope this is okay since this can be a triggering subject for folks…” 

So I’m just going to pause in reading this and just let you know that if talking about depression, and self-harm is going to be difficult for you or triggering for you, you might want to just skip ahead, maybe about five minutes, as I finish reading this email. 

So back to the email. “I am a cis, straight woman in my 30s who has a history of self-harm. I’ve been in therapy and received a dual appropriate medication treatment to address my issues with persistent depressive disorder and anxiety, as well as bulimia. I’m no longer at therapy or on medication, but I am in a great place, coping appropriately with depressive thoughts and managing my anxiety. I’m at a point where I’d like to date. The challenge is that I have scars on parts of my body that someone would only see when I’m naked. I also have scars on parts of my body that are exposed. People typically ask about those and I just lie about how I got them. If a partner sees me naked, they will see my less public scars. I typically only had one night stands, who didn’t bother to ask about the scars in the past, so I’ve never had to explain it to them. There has been one semi-boyfriend who saw them consistently, but never asked. 

Dawn Serra: My question to you, do you think that the self-harm is something I should raise before an intimate with a partner? I am afraid that such a discussion will open a Pandora’s box to my mental health issues. If my partner does not ask, is this something I should raise proactively at all? Also, if I do tell my partner the truth, he will figure out that I lied about the other scars on my body. Do you have thoughts about the best way to raise this as a topic. I’m afraid it will be the elephant in the room, so to speak. Thank you for your time and your thoughts.” 

So I just want to start by thanking you for trusting me with this question and for listening to the show and for writing in with such a generous explanation of who you are and where you are in your life. I also just want to note that I am not a self-harm expert. There are lots of people who do amazing work in this space around harm reduction and support. I appreciate that those people are out there. That is not my wheelhouse. So I’m going to offer you my thoughts after marinating on this for a couple of days. But I want you to trust yourself and trust your support team before you take my advice. Just take this with a grain of salt. Take what works, leave the rest. 

Dawn Serra: The first thing I just want to say is it sounds like you’re in a really great place. You’ve gotten support with your depression and your anxiety and your bulimia. You have coping skills that are helping you to be in this really wonderful place. So one, I think that’s really exciting. My very first thought when I read your email was whatever your choice is, protect yourself. So you staying in this place of feeling really great is the priority. As you think about approaching these conversations and these situations, I want you to just think, “What kind of risk am I taking and do I feel resourced enough for that risk at this point?” And prioritize that. 

Because the bottom line is, if you end up in a relationship with someone after going out with them for a handful of dates and you decide it’s safe enough to really start diving in to your history and some of your mental health experiences, if that person isn’t compassionate about the reasons that you either didn’t disclose upfront or maybe told a story about what the scars we’re in an effort to just kind of protect yourself and avoid a really awkward or invasive conversation on a first date, if they’re not compassionate towards that, then that tells you everything you need to know about not continuing your relationship with that person.

Dawn Serra: So it’s thinking about, “How would I approach this and what are my thoughts?” Generally, my advice is lead with the thing that you’re most insecure about, so that people can self-select out and I don’t even have to deal with them. So if you’re most insecure about your fat body, start your dating profiles with “I’m fat.” If you– Like Crista Anne, who was on the show a couple of years ago. She has herpes and she leads in her OkCupid profiles with, “Hey! I’ve got herpes.” That way, anybody who’s not down with that or at least willing to think about it, self-selects right out.

You could potentially lead with, “Hey. Mental health is really important to me because I’ve had to work really hard to get to the place where I am. If you’re not down with that, cool. I’m not the person for you.” If that feels too vulnerable, because this is a sensitive topic that a lot of people aren’t going to understand and that is somewhat stigmatized, you can decide to wait to build a little bit of rapport and a little bit of trust before you start talking about that.

Dawn Serra: I started comparing this to having an abortion. I was thinking about our history, our health history, is nobody’s business but our own. Now, of course, when we enter into a relationship with someone, whether that’s a really close friend or chosen family or a partner of some kind, our medical histories and the things that we’re going through might have a pretty significant impact on them. So it’s a generous thing to share those things with them and to let them have input and feelings about it. But you don’t owe that to anybody. You don’t owe to someone telling them about cancer that you may have had or surgeries that you may have had, unless you choose to do so. The same with an abortion. 

Depending on who you are, you might start your first date with that because you just want to weed the fuckers out. But if that’s something that you don’t disclose openly, it’s something that you keep pretty close to you, you’re probably not going to tell somebody about that until you’ve established a lot of trust. If that person feels betrayed by the fact that you didn’t disclose that up front, then they don’t deserve your time and energy. But you get to decide. Do I want to disclose the story to someone? Have they earned that trust? Have they demonstrated that they’re capable of holding that story with grace and empathy? If so, maybe now, I’ll tell you about this. Or I’ll start with a lighter version of the story, and then we can go deeper if you prove that you’re capable of it. 

Dawn Serra: I’m thinking along that vein with your history of self-harm. Your scars are are visible, whereas something like an abortion is not. But a surgery scar would be very visible. If someone were to ask about a surgery scar that you didn’t want to talk about, you’re absolutely allowed to set a boundary and say, “I’m not really ready to talk about that. But if we get to a place where we’ve got a lot of trust, then maybe we can revisit that. But not right now. Let’s do something really fun instead.” You have the right to do that with your self-harm scars. 

So if you feel the need to answer a question, which, again, you don’t have to, it doesn’t make you a bad person to say, “Actually, I don’t really want to talk about that right now. How about we talk about these really delicious cocktails that we’ve got?” You can set that boundary and it doesn’t make you an asshole. But if someone does want to inquire about it, you’re allowed to say, “I’m not ready.” You have to just decide what is the level of vulnerability and risk that you want to take on. You’re not a bad person, if you want to deflect or say no for now, if you want to establish some trust first. 

Dawn Serra: I think that’s really the question that I have for you is how does it feel to set those boundaries? Is it contextual? Is that going to just depend on the person and the place and how you’re feeling that day? How resourced you are for potential follow on questions? You don’t have to do a lot of education, either. You can ask someone if they’re like, “Hey. Tell me more about this.” You can say, “I’ve got these really great resources. If you want to go educate yourself about self-harm or depression or bulimia, and then come back to me later with questions.” Ask them to do that labor themselves. That’s absolutely a fair thing to do, too. Because, again, this is something that’s somewhat stigmatized. 

I also think it’s really interesting that you had this kind of semi-boyfriend who saw your scars consistently, but never asked. My guess, as you are going to run into some people too who decide, “Hey. You know what? Unless she volunteers the information, I’m just not going to ask.” There’s also people who do all kinds of scarification for kinky reasons and sacred ritual reasons and very personal reasons that don’t have anything to do with mental health and depression and anxiety. 

Dawn Serra: So there’s a vast array of reasons why someone might have scars. And I think all you have to do is decide. Do I have the resources to lead with this and let people self-select out? Do I want to open Pandora’s box? Which from your email, it sounds like you don’t. Do I want to just set the boundary and say, “I totally love your curiosity. I’m also not really ready to talk about that right now. So I would love to talk to you about what we’re going to order for dinner” and move right on past it. If they don’t respect that, that also give you lots of information. If you do say, “Oh. I got these enough XYZ.” And then a few weeks later, you’ve been seeing this person for a little while and decide that you can trust them and you say, “Hey. I know I told you this. That’s a pat answer that I give to people when they ask about these scars because the story is very personal and something I only share with people I trust. Can we talk about that now?” If someone isn’t generous with you around that kind of a conversation, get them the fuck out before you have the sex. 

So take care of you. That’s the priority. And then decide what do you resource around? What do you want to share? Because you don’t have to give them an explanation about your past. You don’t have to tell them about your medical history. You don’t have to tell them about surgeries you’ve had. You don’t have to tell them about any of that stuff until you’re ready or until it’s going to have a significant impact on them. With STIs, you could potentially impact someone, and then their lives impacted. Of course, you need to disclose that ahead of time. But with something like this because you’re in such a great place, you have a little bit more time to really decide what works for you. 

So thank you so much for writing in and for offering this for all of us to just sit with. It’s a really beautiful, complicated question. I so appreciate that you trusted me with it. 

Dawn Serra: You’ve heard me talk about how difficult it is for me to find some sponsors for the show whose values align with mine. To say that I was excited when TomboyX decided to sponsor the show would be the biggest understatement ever. Because when you land on their homepage, not only are the models ridiculously diverse, but they include trans bodies. They include fat bodies. They have Ari Fitz, who if you love YouTube, has a channel that’s all about queerness and being gender non-conforming and poly. It’s got the amazing Ericka Hart, who you see everywhere, who is a sex educator and also a breast cancer survivor. Does all kinds of really rad stuff. 

TomboyX has these incredible bras and underwear that are totally gender neutral. I just have to say I’m freaking over the moon. They are working with me for this. So they are sending me some samples to try out because they’re sizing goes from extra small all the way up to XXXX. You know that clothing that’s inclusive of fat bodies is ridiculously hard to find and something that’s really important to me because I’m in a fat body. They’re sending me a bralette, which I cannot wait to try. 

Dawn Serra: It’s this incredible underwear that is all about making you feel confident regardless of your gender expression and how you exist in your body. They have bikinis, briefs, boxer briefs, trunks, boy shorts, soft bras, racerbacks. They come in all kinds of different colors for pretty much every skin tone that exists. So no matter where you fall on the size or gender spectrum, TomboyX has this amazing underwear that anybody feels comfortable in. 

So please help me nurture and savor and relish this relationship with this incredible company that wants to offer you eco-friendly undies that are super comfy regardless of what gender and body you’re in. You can go to tomboyx.com/sexgetsreal. To check out their special bundles and pack pricing. Plus Sex Gets Real listeners get an extra 15% off with code SEXGETSREAL. So SEXGETSREAL is the code for 15% off. Ditch whatever you’re wearing for a pair of TomboyX underwear. Just go to tomboyx.com/sexgetsreal and use SEXGETSREAL as that code for that 15% off. Yay! Thank you so much TomboyX.

Dawn Serra: What better question to follow this TomboyX ad than a subject line that I got that says, “I got 99 problems and is being a trans man one of them? I got this email that says, “Hi, Dawn! I’m a big fan of the show and listen every week (insert lots of genuine amazing praise here). Basically, I think, yourself and the work you do is amazing. I have a problem or maybe an anxiety which I could do with some clarity on. 

Here’s the short story. I’m a mid 30s trans man, who is dating – has dated – cis women. Since transitioning, women are no longer up for penetrative sex. But I always seem to be dumped for cis men. The longer story, I identified as lesbian until my mid 20s. I lived in a small rural town. I knew there was something missing in myself, but I hadn’t even heard of trans, let alone encountered trans people or culture. So I lived my life as a baby dyke, andro, God-knows-what lesbian. Even after transitioning, I’m more 16 year old boy than buff, hairy man, which I am so fine with. I dated mainly super cis women and I’d have a lot of penetrative sex. It was never the star of the show. But I loved getting my strap on out every now and then. 

Dawn Serra: I moved away to a larger city when I decided to transition and my life couldn’t be better – mental health and happiness-wise. But I keep having the same issue and I’m not sure if I’m completely anxiety-ridden. I date cis women. I’m super open that I’m trans. It’s not usually an issue. We take it slow. I like to date someone for a little while before it gets anywhere near the sex stage of things. And if it gets to that stage, the sex is great. But whenever I suggest using a strap on or even finger penetration, I’m told, “No” in various ways, which is fine. I don’t want to push this into anybody and fucking someone with a penis. I really don’t need to validate my masculinity, but I love it. I would love it to be an option. Not always, but just an option. That as a trans man, I get to use a penis once in a while. 

What I often find very confusing is the women I date dumped me or move on to date a cis man. I’m completely assuming that they have PIV sex with these men. But I find it so confusing. Do I have some internalized misogyny that I crave and love penetrating someone? Why are women only wanting to sleep with me – a man – if there’s no penetration? I feel almost crazy for writing to you about this. It doesn’t feel like a big enough problem and possibly an incredibly selfish one. But I truly appreciate your opinion or help with my penis problems. Thank you so much for all your work, Dawn and for reading this awfully, long message. 

Dawn Serra: I’m so sorry. You’re so frustrated. That does sound really confusing. I mean, I love that you’re really out about being a trans man, that the people you’re dating know that right from the get go. I think that’s a wonderful thing. So the things that I’m left wondering are are they uncomfortable with the trans part of your identity to the point where they’re telling themself a story about what kind of sex you can have or want to have? I don’t know. Maybe they think trans is cool to a point, but then they freak out around the penetration. That wouldn’t make much sense to me because hot sex is hot sex and penetration for people who like penetration can be an awesome thing, regardless of whether it’s a toy, a finger or a dick. 

I do think that there’s a lot of cultural stories though, around the validity of sex with a penis versus a strap on or fingers. Culturally, we’re taught that fingering is kind of a sub version of sex. That it’s not real sex. Now, most lesbians and queer folks will tell you that’s complete and total bullshit. Fingering is one of the best kinds of sex in the universe, in my opinion. But from a very heteronormative standard point of view, fingering is definitely seen as less than or warm up activity. 

Dawn Serra: Same with strap on sex. Many people see dildos and toys as a build up to the “real thing.” I hate using that word. Because what the fuck is even real. It’s whatever feels good. But just in our mainstream culture, some of the stories that we have around toys and fingers are pretty fucked up. Maybe you’ve just had some really bad luck of encountering a series of women who have some really shitty juvenile stories about what sex is and what kind of sex they want.

I’m also wondering, what would it be like for you to lead in– I’m assuming you’re doing some online dating. What would it be like for you to lead in your online dating profile with, “I really love strap on sex sometimes. Doesn’t have to be all the time. But goodness, it’s hot when we do have it. So if you’ve got experience with that or you’re open to it, I would love to be able to talk about that.” To be able to put something like that in your profile, so that potentially you find some strap on enthusiasts? It could be really cool. 

Dawn Serra: I’m also wondering if maybe they’re feeling awkward because they don’t know how to ask questions. Or maybe they’ve had bad experiences in the past. One of the things that does happen with strap on sex sometimes is because you can’t feel the dildo when it’s inside of someone. Sometimes people with strap ons go way too deep or way too hard and pound the fuck out of a cervix that doesn’t want to be pounded. Maybe also you just had really bad luck of getting a string of women who have had really bad experiences with strap ons and fingering. 

But I don’t think this is something to be anxious about. My guess is it’s just some bad luck. Maybe it’s just an opportunity for you to just be like, “Maybe I need to be a little more upfront about strap on sex is cool. How do you feel about that?” before it ever comes to the sex thing. Or maybe this is just one of those really awkward patterns that has no rhyme or reason. And the next person you hook up with is going to be all about the strap on cock. 

Dawn Serra: All I know is you’re not doing anything wrong. Based on what I’m hearing from the email, they have some kind of hang up. Either they’re scared of the strap on or they think it’s weird or they’ve had bad experiences or who knows. Having some conversations about it might also be a really great thing to do before it gets to, “Hey, do you want to try this thing?” Maybe doing a little bit of conversation having, which I’m assuming you’re doing. But just putting it out there, just in case around, “Hey. Have you ever had strap on sex? Has it been really hot for you? Has it been awkward? Have you ever seen strap on sex in a movie that you thought was really hot? Have you ever tried on a strap on yourself?” 

Asking those kinds of questions when everybody’s clothes are on and you’re just sitting around at dinner can be a really, really fun way to test the waters and figure out who are the people who are really into this thing and who are the people that are just, “I don’t really know what to say about this or how I feel about it.” 

But you deserve someone who enthusiastically wants you to do these wonderful things to them. I don’t think it has anything to do with you being trans. I think it has everything to do with cultural messaging and/or just plain bad luck. So keep being you. Keep being so awesome about enthusiastic consent. Keep looking for those folks who are going to love these activities that you adore. I also just love too that even though you’re missing penetrating someone, you’re still having really great sex with people. So enjoy the great sex even if that’s a little bit missing or disappointing. 

Dawn Serra: Just to answer that last question around “Do I have some internalized misogyny that I crave and love penetrating someone?” I doubt it. I mean, certainly, my answer would be different if it was a cis white dude with total unchecked privilege. He was all about his cock and nothing else. But in this case, based on everything you shared in this email, I think it’s just hot sometimes to be inside of somebody else’s body. It’s hot to see things disappear and to see the vulnerability and to be a part of that experience. I love the penetration experience into other people’s bodies and my own so, of course, it’s hot and something that you would want to do. All kinds of people love that for all kinds of reasons. Mostly because it’s fucking hot giving someone that much pleasure and getting to be a part of their experience and the vulnerability and the openness that it requires. Like, “Yeah. Go for it. Love it.” 

My hope is this awkward, weird streak of bad luck that you’ve had goes away. Maybe you can help that a little bit with calling all strap on enthusiasts in your dating profiles. Thank you so much for writing in with this question and keep being you because everything I read in this email just brings me delight and the people who are with you sound like they’re damn lucky. Hopefully soon, you’ll find someone who adores that strap on sex and you can delight in all the penetration. 

Dawn Serra: When I was in my teens and 20s, I had this ridiculously thick, luscious hair. Now that I’m just a few weeks away from celebrating my 40th birthday, my hair has changed. I don’t know if that’s happened to any of you. But it is definitely getting a little finer and a little thinner. I’ve been looking for a way to just get that lustrous Leo mane back, especially because I’m obsessed with keeping my hair lavender and blue and pink. It’s so much easier to do that when I’ve got thicker hair to show it off. 

So I was really excited when SugarBearHair reached out to sponsor the show. They are a best seller on Amazon with thousands of rave reviews. They taste like sweet, delicious candy. They’re these little gummies made from real fruit juice. They have loads of vitamins. They have as much as four cups worth of broccoli of vitamin A, vitamin C that’s equal to a cup of cranberries and as much vitamin B12 as organic eggs. It is awesome. The best thing is I’m a vegetarian. I don’t know how many listeners knew that. But these gummies are the first vegetarian hair multivitamin. They are gelatin-free, wheat-free, gluten-free, soy-free, dairy-free, beef-free, pork-free, egg-free, fish-free peanut-free. They’re made in an allergy-free facility. They are full of all the stuff that I need to help support having that healthy hair that I miss now that I’m getting older. 

So thank you so much SugarBearHair for sponsoring the show. If you want to check out SugarBearHair vitamins, then all you have to do is go to sugarbearhair.com/SGR for Sex Gets Real. That lets them know that you’re coming there after listening to me talk all about my hair. It helps to let them know they should continue supporting the show. So if you love me and you love the show and you want to help, then head to sugarbearhair.com/SGR for Sex Gets Real. That’s sugarbearhair.com/SGR for Sex Gets Real. Check out their super rad, super juicy, super free-of-all-the-things hair vitamins. So thank you so much to SugarBearHair for sponsoring the show. Please, please, please go support them. 

Dawn Serra: As I was sitting here answering these questions, I literally got an email come into the inbox, while I was sitting here recording. So Lala, you are getting something that’s very rare, which is an immediate response. Because why not? That’s divine timing. So I’m just going to go with it. And it’s a super short email. Lala writes, “Bi-continual.” The message says, “Hi, Dawn! I love the podcast. I’ve officially listened to all of the episodes. I know that you’re bisexual and married to a cis man. Do you still sleep with women? If you don’t, do you miss it? Lala.” 

Hi! That’s a personal question and I am happy to answer it. So yeah. You know, it’s really interesting, I consider myself queer versus bisexual. But I’ve really been thinking about why for the past five, seven years have I used the queer label instead of the bisexual label? Because technically bisexual means attracted to people who are your gender and other genders. It’s not gender binary, but your gender and other genders, which technically is queer in so many ways and the ways that people use it. So is it because of bisexual invisibility? I just never thought that was me or because of the stigma. I don’t know. But I’m okay with your question, Lala. I’m okay with people calling me bisexual because it’s true. I’m attracted to people who are my gender and other genders. And hey, that’s two. 

Dawn Serra: I am not currently sleeping with women. I have had a couple of sexual experiences with women, including some of you will remember, the Women Only Play party that I went to, where we masturbated in a circle while this pregnant woman and her partner were having this really hot sexual exchange. So I’ve been in sexual situations like play parties and dungeons with women. But actually engaging in one-on-one sex, I haven’t had sex with a woman since my girlfriend, Michelle, which was in my early 20s. Because after Michelle, then I dated a few trans folks. Then I was in a very long, seven-year relationship with a trans person, and then dated a little more and then ended up in this relationship with Alex. 

So do I miss it? No. It’s not like not missing it. But it’s not like missing it. It’s just like if the right person and the right opportunity, if Alex and I would decide to invite some hottie into our bed or at a play party and someone caught my eye, I would totally be open to that. But, yeah, there’s not really just a missing. There’s more just an appreciation for the people who have given me an opportunity to delight in their bodies and share their bodies with them. 

Dawn Serra: I think one of the things that was always really awesome for me when I was dating or sleeping with women was – in my experience. I’m not saying this is universal – hand sex with women was almost always fucking amazing. So I really appreciated that. 

But, for me, at this point, I think I’ve just done so much unpacking around gender and bodies. I love Barbara Corrales’ approach to gender non-conforming genital massage and how when you really, really, really get up close and personal with the tissue, you start realizing it’s pretty much all the same stuff. It’s just configured a little bit differently. That’s kind of how I feel at this point. It’s like gender, genitals, all the things. It’s like I’m more interested in people and the connection that I have with them than whether they’re masculine or feminine, whether they identify as man or woman, whether they have X kind of genitals or other kind of genitals. I just really want the people that I spend time with to be really rad and interesting and deep and to invite vulnerability and feelings. Yeah. 

Dawn Serra: But thank you, Lala, for giving me an opportunity to reflect on that. I had not really thought about it in a little while and I don’t not miss it when I don’t miss it. So it’s just kind of this neutral space where I’m open to possibility and if it happens some time, great. If it doesn’t, that’s okay, too. But yeah, There’s some fun memories in there. So I appreciate the super short, easy – Well, I don’t know if it was easy – but self-reflective question. I’d be curious to hear from other folks if you have had sex with multiple genders and multiple kinds of genitals, is there something that you miss? What’s the story behind that? I want to know. 

Speaking of stories, I had a little poll on Patreon talking about how I’m thinking about soliciting some stories from listeners that are kind of This American Life-y that are very well-crafted and refined and edited and take months to put together. But I’ve been thinking about inviting in some stories, so I’m slowly working on that idea. Yeah. Stay tuned. If you are a storyteller and you know how to craft really great stories, you might be able to get on the show in the next couple of months. 

Dawn Serra: Speaking of Patreon, Patreon supporters, don’t forget patreon.com/sgrpodcast for your bonus this week. The one thing I want to mention is it’s going to be delivered a day late. So this episode comes out on Sunday. Patreon supporters, your bonus content is going to come out on Monday because I’m traveling and I only have very limited amount of time to just knock all this out before I go to bed, and then go to Body Trust tomorrow, and then have to drive all the way back up to Vancouver from Portland. Never fear, your bonus is coming. But it is going to be a day late. So it’ll be out there on Monday. 

If you want to support the show, either go to TomboyX and use the Sex Gets Real code. Go to sugarbearhair.com/SGR. The more that you click on those links and head to their sites and check out their products, the more they are going to want to support the show and continue to help keep us on the air, which is awesome. Or, if you want to go super grassroots, you can throw $1 or $3 or $5 my way on Patreon at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. 

Dawn Serra: So thank you so much for tuning in. I am beyond exhausted because today was such an emotional day in the most rich ways. I am going to get some sleep and then wake up tomorrow and do more body trust and pleasure with the team at Be Nourished. I will be back next week. This is Dawn Serra with Sex Gets Real. Bye!