Sex Gets Real 218: Tender masculinity, condom expiration dates, & Dommes who receive

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Tender masculinity, condom expirations, and your questions answered.

I recently came across an article called “In Praise of Tender Masculinity, the New Non-Toxic Way to Be a Man” by terra loire. You know I adore examining the ways gender show up in pop culture and the stories it teaches all of us about how to live our lives – who is failing and who is succeeding. I really love this language around tender masculinity.

So, I share a few tidbits from the article, talk about cultural expectations of toxic masculinity, and invite YOU to share with me other examples of tender masculinity similar to Samwise Gamgee, Rumus Lupin, and Magic Mike XXL. YES, MAGIC MIKE XXL.

A recent conversation came up in my circle about condom expiration dates, and I thought it might be an important thing to share with you, so let’s talk about expiration dates and proper condom handling. TREAT YOUR CONDOMS WITH CARE!

Then it’s on to listener questions.

Artemis is a trans woman Domme who loves being penetrated, but her submissive just doesn’t like doing the penetration because it doesn’t feel submissive. What can Artemis do?

I share some thoughts, and recommend going through The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy with her sub to find some middle ground. Plus, Sinclair Sexsmith’s Submissive’s Playground online course is a must.

Kat wrote in because she keeps seeing people in porn get fucked in the ass and then immediately sucking on the cock that was in their ass. Is it safe? Should you really do that?

Anonymous can’t stop fantasizing about pegging her partner, but he has said no. Does she live with the fantasy or does she take action and find a way to peg someone else?

Wonderer is having wonderful sex with a larger dude, and they are looking for more sexual positions that are big body friendly. I cannot recommend Elle Chase’s “Curvy Girl Sex” highly enough, plus Hanne Blank’s “Big, Big Love” as starting points.

Follow Dawn on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: When your friends ask you to go out after you’ve already gotten home and taken your pants off, do you struggle to just say “No”? Do you find excuses and maybes and then ultimately get talked into it? Do you find that your family refuses to accept your boundaries or your nos and so you’re constantly in a power struggle of grief and passive-aggressiveness? Or do you struggle to ask for what you want in bed, tolerating things that are just okay to downright bad? 

Well, if that sounds like you, I know that it can be me – people pleaser here. Then you will want to check out my new online on demand, take it at your own pace workshop, Take Up Space. A workshop on boundaries, self-worth, and strengthening your relationship with self. This workshop comes with 10 small modules and then, workbooks that accompany those modules that help you to completely redefine the way that you understand boundaries to make them much more expansive, generous, flexible, and strong. It also helps you to examine the ways that you trust or distrust yourself, and how you feel about being visible and taking the vulnerable risk of actually being seen. It’s a really, really incredible course. Every single time I do a call or a workshop about boundaries, people have massive aha moments. And so I wanted to make this available to you, no matter where you are in the world. If you’re interested in redefining your relationship to boundary work, then you’ll want to check this out. There’s a link in the show notes and on the website. So check it out and join us around boundaries.

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics, and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing, and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So, welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe. 

Hey, you. Welcome to this week’s episode. It’s coming out a day late. I’ve been traveling on and off for the past four weeks and yesterday, I finally made it home. And when I collapsed in my bed, I literally couldn’t get out of it. I just let myself sleep and nap pretty much for the entire day, which meant I didn’t get a chance to post the episode. So I re-recorded the intro just to let you know, “Oops, sorry. It’s a day late.” And I’m really excited about this week’s content. 

Dawn Serra: I’m going to be doing listener questions. There’s some really good ones. And there have been some really awesome articles and resources that have come out lately that I wanted to talk about, including a question that someone had for me in person about expiration dates on condoms, and whether or not being a couple of weeks over the expiration date was okay. And, this awesome article called “In Praise of Tender Masculinity, the New Non-Toxic Way to Be a Man.” I want to talk through that and just talk about gender, masculinity, and femininity. And share a little bit about what was in the article. 

For Patreon supporters, first off, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much for supporting the show, whether it’s $1, $3 or more. I appreciate you and you literally helped me to continue doing this show. So, your bonus this week is all about the cult of pussy eaters. And the reason we’re going there is because a friend was lamenting to me about how many times dudes that she’s met with – hooked up with, have felt like they were just the best thing in the world because they loved eating pussy, and she’s so tired of it. And so, it reminded me of this article by Charlotte Shane from 2016, all about the cult of pussy eaters and why they’re terrible. So it probably will surprise you a little bit, but that’s going to be our bonus content this week. So if you want to tune in, go to patreon.com/sgrpodcast – all one line. And if you support at $3 and above, you get access to the bonus content each and every week. So please do check it out. Let’s go ahead and get started with this week’s episode. 

Dawn Serra: I want to start with the piece about tender masculinity which other people have written about it as nurturing masculinity in the past. There’s all kinds of words that are trying to help people see a version of masculinity that isn’t steeped in toxicity, that’s not steeped in patriarchy and misogyny, which is pretty much what we have now. You’ve heard me talk about this so many times on the show. But, toxic masculinity or hyper masculinity or deeply tied to violence, misogyny, patriarchy, oppression and trying to position men as these steel, emotionless, hypermuscular machines that can do no wrong and never have feelings about it. And it’s not only incredibly, incredibly violent and murderous towards women and trans folks and other people in the population, but it’s deeply harmful to men having to try and live up to this completely unrealistic ideal that also cuts men off from their tenderness which is so strong, and their vulnerability which is so necessary for connection. And just really creates this culture of disconnect, pain, and violence and we need something different.

I have feelings about masculinity and femininity, I think – I know they are completely and utterly created by humans and culture. They are not anything that is set in stone or scientific. They’re cultural expectations that we have for people based on their gender or perceived gender. And if you travel around the world, all kinds of different cultures have different versions of what masculinity and femininity look like and also throughout the ages, which means it’s something that we can change. Because it’s just based on expectations and community and culture – not on anything that’s immovable or unchangeable.

Dawn Serra: I think it’s important to note that masculinity and femininity are not tied to gender and that you can be a woman who moves through the world, very much embracing masculinity. And you can be a man who very much moves to the world, embracing femininity, and that doesn’t have anything to do with your sexuality. I think that’s very confusing for people. But that’s because we’ve been raised in a society that teaches us about binaries, and black and whites. And we, as human beings, are so much more complicated than that. One of my favorite people that confronts this all the time is ALOK, who if you aren’t following ALOK yet, especially on Instagram, I cannot recommend ALOK enough for someone who is really challenging stories around gender and femininity and masculinity. And one of the things that ALOK’s been teaching me even is that body hair is not inherently masculine. The culture has been taught that because razor companies found a really clever way to increase sales in the early 1900s. Prior to that, women did not shave their legs and they did not shave their armpits, all through the 1500s, 1600s, 1700s, 1800s. When women were wearing these incredible corsets and gowns and dresses, they were wearing very thick stockings. And so, you wouldn’t be able to see it in portraits or pictures, but nobody was shaving their legs or their armpits. Certainly, that is a new invention that helped razor companies to increase their market because they had tapped the men’s market. So it was something that was manipulated through sales and images. And now we just take it as a given, which is to say that body hair is not inherently masculine. Body hair is not anti-feminine. 

Because I was raised my entire life, by family and friends who really subscribe to the thought that leg hair is the antithesis of being feminine, I have taken that in and of course, every image that I see anywhere reinforces that. And so, I’ve been growing my leg hair out over the past couple of months and it’s been really confronting for me. It’s been really uncomfortable. I feel deep shame when people see my legs. And I’m trying to give myself an opportunity to just be uncomfortable and to feel ashamed and to feel scared. As someone in a fat body, I have also learned that one of the only ways to feel safe and seen and fat is to perform the most extreme version of femininity that I can by having long hair and pretty makeup and dresses and smooth shiny legs. And, the more that I can perform the femininity, the more people recognize my humanity. So it’s also been really scary to confront that. To let some of that armor fall. 

Dawn Serra: I just want to offer that because so many of the stories that we have around masculinity and femininity have been fed to us and sold to us and are not set in stone. We can make them whenever we want to make them, and I think that’s a really exciting thing. So there’s this incredible piece by Terra Loire called “In Praise of Tender Masculinity, the New Non-Toxic Way to Be a Man.” I would argue this is not new. But, I think we’re finding new language in being able to identify this version of masculinity in our current culture, so it feels new. I know that this type of masculinity has existed throughout the ages in various cultures. So the newness, I think, just comes from we’ve been in a period in Western culture for a while where we didn’t have many of these representations. But I don’t think that it’s particularly new. 

So I’m just going to share some tidbits from the article and then I want you to write in to me with some thoughts about this, and other characters that embrace this version. So Terra goes on to say that media representations of masculinity tend to fall into two roles: One is we have nice guys and, two, is we have macho men. And both of those actually feed into toxic masculinity. So macho dudes are emotionally distant, but it’s okay because they’re buff and men don’t need to have feelings. So that’s things like action heroes. We might think of John McClane in Die Hard, or the tortured bad boy like Bender in The Breakfast Club, or Wuthering Heights’ Heathcliff. And basically, it teaches us that their anger issues are “passionate” and their repressed emotions are something that are super romantic for women to fix. If I just love you enough through all of the ways that you’re a total and utter asshole, then maybe I can “make you love me” and you can find some tenderness, which is deeply abusive. But it’s sold to us as being really romantic. 

Dawn Serra: Nice guys are kind of seen as the antidote. But usually in pop culture, that niceness is a total performance, and it’s in direct relation to their feelings about a crush. So the two examples that Terra names are Laurie from Little Women, who does grow as a character because of the help of Joe but as soon as she turns him down, he then takes all of that and weaponizes the character growth to try and get into her pants. We also see this with Tom from 500 Days of Summer that was played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. So in 500 Days of Summer, we have Tom who’s this super charming underdog, but he’s the antithesis of nice. Because as soon as Summer turns down and doesn’t meet his romantic expectations, despite her clearly communicating her boundaries, he resents her. And it turns into this really passive-aggressive toxic story. So, toxic masculinity can present itself in a number of ways, but it’s everywhere. And it’s pretty much the only version of masculinity that we have seen in pop culture in recent times. 

Terra offers, what is a tender man? How do we spot a tender man? And the questions that she asks are: Is he invested in all of his relationships, not just romantic ones? That is really important. Does he express his emotions in a healthy way? Does he have words for his emotions? Is he able to articulate them and share them without using them like a weapon? Is self awareness, a concept he’s comfortable with? Does he reflect and look at himself and can take bigger context and feedback in? Does he commit to personal growth? Are boundaries something he is aware of and respects? That’s so important because most nice guys in movies and TV shows, they don’t respect boundaries. They try to find ways to manipulate situations into the things that they want, which is completely and totally violent. But it’s done in this sweet, charming way so we don’t notice. 

Dawn Serra: So a tender man, Terra is saying, is someone who respects boundaries, even if he’s disappointed or frustrated or upset? And then, is he unafraid of male intimacy? For instance, can he express affection for male friends without making a gay joke? So it’s not about perfection, but it’s about a human condition that’s always a working progress or a journey. And I think that’s super important. Because toxic masculinity is very static, and you either achieve it or you don’t. Note to self, nobody actually achieves the pinnacle. They are just constantly failing. So, how does this show up in pop culture? Have we seen examples of this tender masculinity? And yes, we have. 

So I’m going to share five or four examples – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 examples with you. And then I want to hear from you other examples that maybe you’ve seen in pop culture, and why you think that’s a version of tender masculinity. So the first one is Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings. Being deeply committed to this intimate, loving friendship that he has with Frodo – holding Frodo accountable, helping share the burden, doing things that other people told him he shouldn’t do in service to wanting to be there for his friend. It’s really incredible. Another example of tender masculinity is the men in Moonlight the movie. They’re deeply imperfect, but they’re showing up for each other in really profound ways. There’s a lot of tenderness there, and touch and caring. Newt Scamander from Fantastic Beasts. If you follow Pop Culture Detective, then you will have definitely seen his video that’s all about the fantastic masculinity of Newt Scamander from Fantastic Beasts. And I adore Newt. I think he’s such a beautiful, beautiful character. I have the hugest crush on him. One of the reasons is because we usually only see these types of characters as the sidekick, never as the hero and Newt is the hero. He’s the main character. He’s quiet. He’s vulnerable, he’s confident. And what McIntosh from Pop Culture Detective argues is that Newt’s truly special gift is not his magic or his ability to work with animals. It’s his empathy. And I think that’s so important. We have a main character who’s confident and powerful and yet, his truly special gift is empathy. 

Dawn Serra: We also have Remus Lupin from Harry Potter – the werewolf. And the thing that Terra shares that I love so much is that his most compelling relationship is with Nymphadora Tonks, his wife. And what makes their relationship really refreshing is that it doesn’t just fit into this cookie cutter soulmate narrative. Their history is fraught with trauma and grief. But rather than becoming codependent or distant, Lupin really takes the time to articulate and work through his complex feelings before marrying Tonks. So that’s an incredible, incredible thing that I want so much more of for all of us. And then, my favorite example is Magic Mike XXL. I did an entire O.school stream all about this. It was one of my favorite streams that I had done in the year. 

Magic Mike is really about celebrating male friendship and nurturing male friendship. These men who, to look at, you would think fit the toxic masculinity ideal of taking off their clothes and trying to get chicks, and being super muscular. That’s not at all what the movie is about. The movie is about consistently showing up for each other, celebrating each other’s wins, supporting each other tenderly through the stuff that’s really hard, listening, being empathetic, having fun being yourselves without this performance aspect of needing to one up each other or grunt your way through and they’re not afraid to touch each other. They’re not afraid to just be really vulnerable. I mean, Magic Mike could be a lot of things. But I think that it’s truly a fantastic example of what it looks like when men support other men from a place of genuine love and intimacy through friendship. 

So, I want to hear from you. When you think about tender masculinity, or if you want to use a different word, like nurturing masculinity or just being a good human. And you think about, in pop culture, male characters that are invested in all of their relationships – not just romantic ones, that express emotions in a healthy way, that are self aware and committed to personal growth, that respect boundaries, and that are unafraid of male intimacy without making it into a joke. Can you think of other characters and other storylines that fit into that? If so, I want to hear from you just go to dawnserra.com and use the contact form. Because I want to build a big list of all these examples, so that we can have this when someone is saying, “I don’t understand what’s wrong with masculinity that we have here? Why aren’t the nice guys really nice? Why aren’t the macho dudes someone to aspire to?” I want us to be able to collectively say, “Let’s look at these characters and why they’re so powerful and beautiful and contribute to a better world that also leads to more pleasure and more joy and more fun and more play.” So help me build the list. Write in and let me know. 

Dawn Serra: Okay, so condoms. Someone was recently talking about expiration dates on condoms on Facebook. And I ended up having a conversation with someone else and they were like, “Is a couple of weeks over the expiration date okay or not?” There was a whole bunch of sex educators on Facebook that were talking about it and I passed this along to them, and I thought, “This might be something listeners want to hear too.” So, the bottom line is that the expiration date is less important than the handling conditions. So The Guide to Getting It On has a paragraph about this. And then someone who worked in a condom shop for over a decade kind of built on this in the conversations that were being had. 

Basically, if someone kept a condom in their back pocket of their jeans for several months hoping to get lucky or in their wallet, or if it’s kept in a car for weeks on end when it was parked in a hot summer sun – that’s going to be far more problematic to the integrity of the condom, than whether or not it’s a month or two old. So what we’re really worried about with condoms is breakage and leaks, and a wearing down that can lead to breakage. So, the person from the condom shop said that expiration dates are truly dependent on handling. If you’ve had a box of condoms in a really cool place, like a back closet for a couple of years and they are a month expired when they’re probably okay. They haven’t been in conditions that would cause any kind of drying out or deterioration or friction, which are all things you should be worried about. Whereas carrying a condom in a wallet or in a back pocket or in a backpack, where temperatures are constantly changing, and it’s getting bumped up against. Maybe it’s been in a bowl and bright sunlight for several months on the counter of a clinic or something, then that would be a condom that you probably wouldn’t want to use. So this is primarily around latex and lambskin condoms. But I just thought that it was a really interesting conversation that was being had. Because I know that I’ve had condoms that have been past their expiration date by only like a week or two. And I haven’t been sure whether or not I wanted to use them. 

Dawn Serra: I tend to be really careful with my condoms. They get stored in a container so that they don’t get jostled around. They stay in a cool place that’s out of the sun. So those would probably be okay to use. But again, just think about that. Think about the storage conditions, think about how they’ve been handled. And if you’re not sure or you have doubts, don’t use it. Because it’s always better to be safe than to be sorry. If that’s the only condom you have on hand and you’re really really feeling hot and heavy and horny. Guess what? There’s 1000 other things that you can do that are super sexy and super pleasurable and orgasmic, that don’t have to involve a dick. For those of you who have condoms, pay attention to the ways that you store them and the ways that they’re treated. Because frankly, even if you’re inside the expiration date, but the handling conditions have been really rough: it’s been in high temperatures and low temperatures and jostled around. Even if that condom is only a couple of months old and well before the expiration date, you probably don’t want to use it. So let’s be better about the ways that we store our condoms and go take a look at all of the condoms that you have and make some decisions about whether or not you need some new ones. 

Okay, so let’s dive into listener questions. Artemis wrote in and it says “DOM, but I love getting fucked.” 

“Hi, Dawn. I love the show and I have found it extremely insightful. I’m a trans woman dominant and I absolutely adore everything about being a dom. Except that I feel like there’s a hang up between domming and being able to be penetrated. I’ve had my sub use toys on me once or twice, but each time she’s felt pretty awkward about it as it didn’t feel submissive to her. I was wondering if you have any tips for how I can get what I crave without turning the D-S dynamic on its head? Best, Artemis.”

Dawn Serra: Yay, Artemis. Oh, my god. I love this question so much. I had that conversation about this very thing just a couple of months ago with Sinclair Sexsmith. So my first recommendation is not for you, but it’s for your sub. If your sub has a chance to go through Sinclair Sexsmith’s online Submissive Playground, it’s a multi week experience to help submissives get really clear on what kind of submissive they are and all the different ways to be submissive. And Sinclair is so inclusive of so many different types of genders and types of D-S relationships. I can’t recommend that enough. I also think it might be interesting, if you don’t already have it, to get “The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. Some people love the book, some people don’t. But I think that there are some really useful questions in it that could help you and your sub to have new conversations. 

So one of the things I just want to ask about submission and your sub is that something about the stories we tell culturally about submission and what it means are pretty limiting. So, we often think of submission as kind of this singular experience and it is so much more than that. And people who have been in kink for a really long time know that, and I know you know that, Artemis, but just for other listeners. Submissive aren’t just doormats. They aren’t people who will just do anything that you say. They won’t take whatever you give them. Certainly, there are some people who want to experience submission that way. But that’s not what the overall experience of submission is. There’s so many different ways that people live as submissives and experience their submissiveness. So my first question, Artemis, for you is, does your sub see submission as this identity that is their primary identity? Is it how they want to move through their entire lives, being submissive or being a slave and trying to manifest that in both the bedroom and outside? Or is it a role that they take on for certain parts of their life? Are they submissive in the bedroom and in kink scenes sometimes or maybe even frequently, but outside of the bedroom is – are they living in a much more dominant way or much more switching away? I think that’s an important question to just have with your submissive. 

Dawn Serra: One of the things that Dossie and Janet talk about is that bottoming or being submissive is, for them, deeply powerful. And many submissive, and just the culture at large, sees submission as this passive, disempowered, self-destructive, needy, whining, wimp. And instead, they talk about the power of being a bottom and asking questions about what power means and what type of submissive you really want to be. 

So, what I’m hearing is your submissive doesn’t feel submissive when they give. And Sinclair has so many incredible things to say about that – how you can absolutely be topping while you’re being penetrated. You can absolutely be submissive or bottoming when you’re swinging the flogger or wearing the strap on. Because it’s all about the mindset and the setup, and what leads you into the scene and what the goal is of the scene, and then what happens after the scene. 

Dawn Serra: I think it’s also really important to just think through the reasons or the hopes and fantasies of what your submissive is looking for in their role. Are they looking to be this blank slate that is totally receptive, obedient and doesn’t worry whether or not they’re doing something right because they’re going to be told exactly what to do? Or is your submissive someone who’s more into pleasing, who really wants to serve? Are they a service bottom? They want to initiate having that cup of tea ready before the top of the dom really knowing that they want tea, and trying to anticipate needs and to just be of service? I think it’s important for the two of you to talk about what does submission mean to them. And then the other thing that I just want to kind of throw out there is that giving service for many submissives is something that they love to do, but not all. If your submissive is really into servicing, that’s part of the power exchange. They want to give some kind of valuable effort to the dominant. So whether that’s a sexual service or a personal service, like massages and pedicures or house service like cleaning and cooking, or even financial service. To be in service could be something that the two of you use as a way to giving you, as the dom, pleasure from a place of deep service, like the ultimate submission. 

I think that thinking about the setup, thinking about the needs that your submissive has and what brings them joy as a submissive, and then finding ways to create scenes that support that version of submission. It might take a little bit more work, but absolutely, it’s doable. Sinclair talked about, at length, about how you can be the person that’s receiving the strap-on or receiving the fist or receiving the flogger, and be the person who is controlling that scene – who is dominating and topping. And so they’re not mutually exclusive. And I love that you want this. I think part of what’s probably going to have to happen is because of all the stories that we have about what it means to be a submissive, which is often to be the receptacle to be the receiver. And some people are really drawn to submission because they want to be the receptacle and the receiver. They want to be the one that is passive or they want to be the one that is used. To flip that might be really confronting. And so, how can you reframe it, of doing the thing to their dom is deeply in service, is deeply hot. It is all about being used. You’re nothing but a toy. That just brings me pleasure. How can you kind of expand that to include them and how can the two of you collaborate on something that would be utterly hot for the both of you? 

Because I think that’s something else that’s really important is, as a dom, you don’t have to just exist in a vacuum where you come up with all of the ideas and never get your submissive input. Why can’t the two of you as part of an order or as part of a scene, collaborate on ways to make that really, really hot? And it might take some time. It might take some practice, there might be some big stories that your sub has to rewrite and let go of. It might not happen after one or two conversations or one or two books. So, decide if you want to invest in that and see where you can go with it, but they are not mutually exclusive. To be a dom and to receive absolutely makes sense. And to be a submissive, who is doing the thing to someone else, who is penetrating or throwing, of course, that can be incredibly submissive act – to do the thing that someone else ordered you, to give up control and power and to just act, to anticipate some of these needs and pleasure and wants, and to be able to deliver that in this beautifully subservient way. I mean, there’s so much opportunity that’s rich there. So ask some questions, collaborate, make it as fun as you can. And hopefully, Artemis, you can get wonderfully beautifully fucked by your submissive. So good luck, report back, and enjoy because you deserve this. 

Dawn Serra: So I got another email that says, 

“Hi, Dawn. Thank you for all of your info and advice. I keep seeing on porn, the person who gets anal immediately give head after, isn’t that unsafe? Is there ever a time that’s okay.? Thank you. Kat.” 

Thank you for asking this question, Kat, because I have thoughts and opinions, like always. So, the first thing I want to offer is that, depending on the porn you’re watching, because all porn is different. It’s not this singular entity. But if you’re watching more mainstream porn versus a really awesome feminist porn, the likelihood that a lot of those scenes have been edited is high. So, one of the things that a really good editor is able to do is no matter what kind of film you’re watching, whether it’s a TV show, or a commercial or a movie or porn – a really great editor is going to be able to hide the edits. They are invisible to the viewer, unless you’re a professional in the field that knows what to look for. And so, that is to say that oftentimes, we will watch something that seems completely seamless. But there are edits inside of it that are just masterfully done, so that we don’t notice that they’ve been edited. 

One part of the scene might be from the morning and another part of the scene might be from the afternoon on take 20. But the way that they’re put together, especially if you’ve got some skilled lighting and skilled actors is going to look as if it was all happening at the exact same time. Porn is about fantasy, not instruction. Some porn is about instruction, and it usually tells you that it is. Tristan Taoramino has some wonderful porn out there and it is very much all about instruction, and kind of demonstrating different techniques and showing different ways to have sex while having sex. But for the most part, porn in and of itself, is about fantasy. And so, it’s not a way to learn how to do the things. It’s a way to perform – doing the things so that we can enjoy it, which is to say, a lot of the things that we see are important are not the way that things are going to happen in our lives with our partners. They might, but they also might not. So we can’t use porn as a way to teach us whether or not something is safe or whether or not it’s something we should be doing with partners. We need to get educated, which is why you wrote in and asked which I love, and also communicate with our partners. 

Dawn Serra: So let’s talk a little bit about butts. Even if you give yourself multiple enemas and you really flush out your colon, and you really scrub your asshole, and you just super prep yourself for butt play – It doesn’t mean that there’s not still E.coli and other bacteria in that area that you need to be careful about. Just because you don’t see any brown or smell anything bad, doesn’t mean the bacteria specifically E.coli isn’t still there. Which is why we always want to be as safe as possible or as feels good for us. All of us have different levels of risk we’re willing to take on. So that’s why I always recommend using gloves and using condoms. Even if you’re in an exchange with someone where you don’t use barriers for other types of sexual activity, I still recommend condoms for anal just because that helps to protect you from all kinds of tears and bacteria. And, it’s a sensitive area. That said, some people don’t mind taking on the risk. Some people love eating out ass. Some people love doing all kinds of things. And they don’t mind taking on the risk that they might get sick or catch something from it. Because there’s no way to guarantee the absence of bacteria. 

So the one thing that I will say about porn is usually right before a scene, there’s been enemas done, there’s been no food, their bowels tend to be super clean. That’s one of the reasons why you almost never see messy anal in porn. One, it’s because they’ve done all kinds of enemas and, two, because if there is a mess, they’re just going to edit it out and retake the scene and then you don’t see a mess because they’ve cleaned it off for a couple of seconds before they start filming again. So it’s the magic of movies in Hollywood. 

Dawn Serra: I also just want to note that sometimes people will enema themselves to the point where they start seeing mucosa coming from the intestines. And that is not a good thing. That means that you’ve really irritated your insides and that actually makes you more prone to infection. So we don’t want to be doing that, even if we are doing enemas. Any kind of anal play – a mess is inevitable. It just is and you have to find ways to just be okay with that. We have been taught that poop is just the worst thing in the whole wide world. Well, sure, it carries bacteria and sometimes it’s really stinky and it’s kind of gross, and we don’t really want it on our pillow. But that’s not to say you can’t just throw a towel down and take a shower. But do you want to take a dick that’s been in your ass and put it right in your mouth? Well, that’s for you to decide. Would I do that? No. That’s just not a thing for me. I would take the condom off, and then give them a blow job. Or I would have a female condom in my ass, so that there wasn’t any kind of transfer and then suck them off. Sure. But other people, they don’t have a problem with it. For them, that’s a risk that they’re willing to take. They don’t mind. They just want to go for it. They want to eat the ass or suck the dick or whatever it is. 

So for you, you just have to decide what is the level of risk and exposure that you’re willing to take on? And then, go from there. Because what we see in porn, again, is edited – it is scripted, and has been cut and read taken and there’s often multiple takes and there starts and stops; there’s a reapplying of lube that you don’t see, there is a wiping down of things that they consider unsightly or not sexy before it resumes. That’s just how it goes when you’re creating a product that people consume and pay for. 

Dawn Serra: So there’s so many things that might be happening in the scenes that you’re watching. That get you from A to B in a scenes where that goes from anal to immediately giving head. It also might be that those performers have negotiated, “This is a risk I’m willing to take on,” or also depending on the studio, the performers are forced to do that even if they don’t want to. And we just have to remember that the way we live this out in our lives might be totally different. So I love that you asked the question, Kat, because it’s an opportunity for all of us to learn and to level up and it just really think, “Here’s the risks: I might get E.coli, I might get gastrointestinal bacteria that make me feel really sick, I might not. And this is so hot, I’m willing to take that on,” or “I’m really not willing to take that on. And here’s all the ways around that: I can rip the condom off and give you head two seconds after you’ve been in my ass or I can wear an internal condom and you can fuck me to your heart’s content. And you’re never going to get any shit on your dick and then I can suck you off.” 

All kinds of fun alternatives for doing that if you’re interested in it. But to everybody listening, just remember what you see in porn isn’t always what exactly happened. And that’s really important. So, thank you so much for listening, Kat, and for writing in I loved that question. 

Dawn Serra: So I got another question that says, 

“Hi, Dawn. Me and my other half had been together for six years now. Our sex life is amazing, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But I’m having this, I wouldn’t say weird, but I have this weird desire to peg my man. It’s been something that’s been on my mind. And when I brought it up to him, he was not having it. So what do I do? Should I just ignore it until this desire goes away? Should I go to some sort of event and just try it out? I know that’s not a good idea, but it’s something I’ve been thinking. It doesn’t help that that’s what I look up when I’m watching porn and it’s just driving me bananas. Thanks, and I can’t wait to hear what you have to say.”

Thank you so much for this question. The person that I most want to refer you to is Cavanaugh Quick. So if you didn’t hear Cavanaugh Quick on the show, go find that episode. Cavanaugh is pure magic. Cavanaugh and I also talked about this at the Explore More Summit this year. So if you want to hear amazing conversation between the two of us, check out exploremoresummit.com. Cavanaugh is one of the speakers. You can get all the talks for really, really, really, really, really ridiculously reasonable price. It’s like $20 per talk or something. And it’s wonderful. But anyway, one of the things that Cavanaugh and I have talked about, both on the show and on Explore More Summit and that Cavanaugh has explored in their O.school streams a whole bunch, is that we can sit in a desire and a craving and an urge. And while it might be uncomfortable, it’s not going to kill us. So, this is a complicated thing that lots of people have feelings about. Some people feel like, “It’s a desire! I should chase it to my heart’s content and no one should ever limit me from it.” And other people have different kinds of feelings. I of course, take a middle road and know that all of us are different. 

Dawn Serra: All of us have different desires for our life. All of us have different capacities for tolerating certain feelings. So you’re just going to have to trust yourself, listener, on what it is you feel like leads to the most pleasurable wonderful outcome for you. If being in this relationship of six years with the amazing sex is really important to you, and you don’t want to do anything that potentially damages that relationship, then I am here to tell you that no matter how much you might want to peg him, you aren’t going to die. You’re not going to get sick. Nothing that is going to happen to you to just have this craving of like, “Oh, God. I really want this thing, but I can’t have it.” 

It’s like, I don’t know, cake. You might really, really want cake, but you can’t get to the grocery store today, and you’re heading on a trip or you’re in the middle of a flight, and or you’re gluten intolerant and you haven’t found a cake that you really like, and you just remember how much you love cake as a kid and you just can’t have cake right now. That’s okay, nobody’s going to die. We might be a little uncomfortable. We might think about it a lot. The important thing is to not try and deny it. 

Dawn Serra: So that’s where I kind of want to go with this one. When we feel ashamed of our desires, and we try to deny that we have them, we try to hide, we try to lie, we try to sneak, then it can become very compulsive. It can be this thing that all we want to do is not think about the thing, but because we’re trying to force ourselves not to think about the thing, because we feel ashamed about it, then all we do is think about the thing. That’s not a healthy dynamic. What is healthy or healthier, since health is totally arbitrary. But what is more aligned and more honest is to say, “Yeah, I am super into this pegging thing. I think it could be really hot. I think about it a lot. I masturbate to it. And if you’re not ready to do that, that’s super okay. If you ever change your mind or you want to talk about it some more, let me know. I’m going to just keep masturbating to it. And I’m going to have super hot fantasies about it. And it’s a thing that I really enjoy and I allow myself to enjoy, and I’m choosing not to pursue it at this time. Because I want to prioritize this relationship that’s super important to me.” That is absolutely something you can choose for yourself. 

If the suffering that you’re experiencing from not experiencing pegging is greater than your desire to maintain this relationship, then you might make a choice to end the relationship or to do something that might damage the relationship, to go seek this out. And that is totally up to you and how you want to live your life. But there are all kinds of things that we might really, really want for ourselves. We might be really hungry for it, we might super be craving it, whether it’s watching a certain movie that nobody in our lives want to watch with us, or having a certain kind of food that we just can’t have because of a new food allergy, or a fantasy that we just can’t let go of because we’re so excited and turned on by it. Nothing bad is going to happen to you other than you might just think about it a lot and feel uncomfortable and disappointed. And it’s okay to feel those things. It’s okay to feel disappointed that he doesn’t want to try pegging right now. He might change his mind down the road. We have to let that be an opportunity. 

Dawn Serra: I also wonder, are there ways to incorporate versions of pegging or alternatives to pegging? Karen BK Chan loves to ask what is it about pegging that you find hot? What’s underneath that desire? Is it a swapping of the gender roles like traditional gender roles? Is it being inside of someone else? Is it because you love asses? Is it because it’s something you’ve never done before and you like doing new things? Investigate what’s underneath that desire, because there is something underneath that’s driving it. And once you get to that yummy little kernel of like, “Oh, it’s about power. Oh, it’s about seeing him be submissive. It’s about the taboo,” whatever it is. Now once we get to that place, there’s so many other ways to play with taboo. 

There’s so many other ways to play with submission, there’s so many other ways to play with all kinds of different things. So that might open you up to new types of fantasy, to new types of porn, to new kinds of alternatives to discuss with your partner, and even things to do to yourself in service to that delicious desire. So, get curious about it to create as much spaciousness as you can. And just decide what it is that’s most important to you right now. Because we all have so much shame and tension around sex, it can feel like, “Oh my God, I’ve just discovered this fantasy and if I don’t do it, I’m going to die.” That’s not true. So how can you use this as a place of play rather than as a place of disconnection and shame and disappointment? Yes, you’re allowed to feel disappointed and frustrated and, “Oh God, I really want to try the thing.” But if you were to say, “Well, what does this thing really about and how can I celebrate this, and what are other ways I can work this into my life and tend to the relationship?” Get really creative in that space. You might find some really, really yummy things. So I don’t know how important the relationship is to you and how important your pegging fantasy is to you. But, you need to do a little bit of investigating in that space, and then see how creative you can get with whatever the answer is. And then hopefully pleasures on the other side. But I also just want to name just because we really want something doesn’t mean we’re going to get it. That’s just how life is sometimes. This isn’t necessarily specifically to you, listener, just in general. 

Dawn Serra: Lots of people kind of have this feeling of entitlement – dudes. This feeling of entitlement of, “Because I want a thing, someone must give it to me or the whole world is broken, the whole world is against me. It’s not fair.” That’s not how any of this works. It’s just not. Just because you want a thing, that’s the beginning and end – you want a thing. Maybe it gets met, maybe it doesn’t. There’s 1000 other things you want that are getting met. So, let’s create a little more spaciousness around the desire and the sex piece. Because then we’re so much more likely to find the abundant options that can help us feel adjacent to the thing or very similar to the thing. I mean, it’s just such a beautiful, beautiful space for creativity. So check out the Cavanaugh Quick episode of Sex Gets Real and also head to exploremoresummit.com. If you want to get this year’s talks, Cavanaugh’s is awesome, Karen BK chan spoke awesome – always. Also check out Karen BK Chan’s interview on Sex Gets Real because we talked a little bit about this desire peace too. 

Thank you so much for listening. I hope so much for you that you’re able to just roll around in this pegging fantasy, that you’re able to delight in it and find it delicious, and enjoy it and all the ways that feel good for you. And, that you can find what’s underneath that fantasy. And then maybe get super creative with your partner with whom you have amazing sex. To maybe find another way to kind of meet that delicious, yummy craving and need. Do whatever you can to just allow it to be true. There’s no shame in it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do it. It is hot to peg someone. So, you never know what’s going to happen a few months or a few years down the road. If you can just really hold your arms open wide, “I love so many different yummy sexual things with you. And this is one thing I’d really like to try.” Who knows? Who knows what might happen? And I love the possibilities. So thank you so much for listening. 

Dawn Serra: Okay, we are going to do one more question that’s super short. And then, I’m going to pop over and record the bonus that’s all about the cult of pussy eating for Patreon supporters. So don’t forget, you can go to patreon.com/sgrpodcast, support the show at $3 and above and get access to every single week’s bonus content. So here’s the final question. It is from Wonderer. Subject line: Sex. Well, there we go, okay. So the message is very short. 

“I’m in love and having sex with a six foot four, 250 pound line man. When we have sex, I normally write him and/or we do doggy style. Are there any other positions we can do to keep it fun and interesting?” 

Yes! There’s so many – Oh my god. Okay, so my recommendation to anybody who is in a fat body or having sex with someone in a fat body is to get two books. The first is “Curvy Girl Sex” by Elle Chase. And the other one is “Big Big Love” by Hanne blank. Both of those books talk all about all kinds of different stuff that comes with sex and fat bodies. And both come with drawings of different ways that you can position your bodies. Elle Chase’s book “Curvy Girl Sex” has 101 positions in it, including using all kinds of different sex furniture, pillows, and angles. All these yummy ways that you might be able to position your bodies to have so much incredible interesting experiences together. I would invest in a ramp or a wedge. Liberator makes them, they’re fairly expensive. There’s all kinds of other companies that make versions of those for less money now, so look for alternatives. Use pillows liberally. Look for ways to use beds and couches and chairs and hammocks, and yoga balls and yoga bolsters – whatever you have around your house to get really creative. And just keep in mind, too, anytime you’re trying new positions, it might be awkward, it might totally not work. And being able to go in and just have a great sense of humor about that is important. 

Dawn Serra: Lots of people in bigger bodies experience deep shame when things don’t work with their body, because the world tells you your body is wrong already. So just keep that in mind too. Move into it really gently and with a lot of generosity. But check out both of those books, “Curvy Girl Sex” and “Big Big Love”. Lots of ideas in those books. Because, one of the things that I think is important to remember is that fat bodies come in so many different shapes and sizes. There’s such beautiful variety in bigger bodies. A person that’s 250 pounds or 350 pounds, you can line up 100 people who are that weight, and they’re all going to have different ways that they hold their weight, which is actually kind of a really beautiful thing. The lack of this sameness in the bodies. It also means that when you’re looking for instruction – there might be 101 positions, and maybe only a small handful work for that particular body. But, that’s still exciting, because there’s a handful of things to try. And then maybe variations of all the other ones. 

So, enjoy the love and the sex with your line man. And check out those books and see if they can give you some inspiration for different ways to position yourself and to play, play, play, play with the wonderful ways that your bodies might fit together. So good luck, Wonderer, have fun. Thank so much for writing in and for listening. 

Dawn Serra: To all of you who tuned in. Don’t forget to grab my boundaries workshop Take Up Space, there is a link in the show notes. It is such a great starting point for exploring a very different way of approaching boundaries. And then Patreon supporters, pop over to Patreon because we are about to have a conversation about pussy eaters. Thank you so much for tuning in. I will talk to you next week. Bye.

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them at vocalfew.com. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses. 

As you look towards the next week, I wonder what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?