Sex Gets Real 214: Foot fetish, a husband who refuses sex, & tell tale orgasm signs

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The Sex Map game is just $9 and can be purchased here.

Your questions. Answered.

Bug has a funny sex toy story and wanted to share it. Beware of Pop My Cherry, folks.

Regis looked up the definition of orgasm and it includes anal contractions. Regis’ ex did it when she came, but their current partner’s ass doesn’t visibly spasm. Aren’t they orgasming? Isn’t this a tell-tale sign?

NO. It is not. Find out why.

Also, be sure to check out Emily Nagoski’s new TED talk (on the big stage!) all about why body cues might not be the best way to tell what’s going on with a partner.

Christina’s husband only gives her sex once per week. She is over it. What can she do? Why won’t he fuck her but then why does he tease her with kisses and touches?

There’s some toxic behaviors at play here, so tune in for my advice.

Sarah wants to know more about my sex life, so I field a few questions about my likes and dislikes. 

KZ wrote in wondering if it’s unusual to have a foot fetish. KZ loves feet and has trouble staying aroused if a partner doesn’t have attractive feet. Is that weird?

Follow Dawn on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: This episode is brought to you by the online on demand workshop, “Take Up Space: A Workshop on Boundaries, Self-Worth, & Strengthening Your Relationship With Self.” This is an online workshop developed by me. It is all about the power of boundaries and why authentic boundaries are not about trying to control others, but instead are all about recognizing our needs and our wants and developing strategies around how to communicate those and deal with the inevitable feelings that come up whenever we try to set a boundary. So how do we communicate our wants and needs? And how do we deal with the feelings that other people might have about them, from frustration and disappointment to enthusiasm and excitement? Because boundaries are how we create the world around us and how we feel about it all. 

This online workshop goes live on June 13th 2018. If you want to grab the pre-order now, you can do that at gumroad.com/l/WKEjD – capital W, capital K, capital E, lower case J, capital D like Dawn. That link of course is in the show notes. It is a $37 online on demand, comprehensive workshop all about how to navigate your boundaries, find the language, mourn the things that you’ve struggled with and to move ahead with new strategies that will strengthen your relationship to self and everyone around you. 

You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!

Dawn Serra: Hey, everyone! Welcome to this week’s episode. It is dropping a little late today just because things have been really, really busy and today was the first day I actually had a chance to sleep in a little bit. I decided dropping the podcast a few hours late to take care of me and have a slow morning for the first time in four months. It was a good thing. So, yeah. That felt wonderful. I’m also super excited because we’re doing another giveaway. 

If you’d like to enter, all you have to do is click on the link that’s in the show notes or head to dawnserra.com for this episode and enter the giveaway. It’s open until Saturday, May 27th 2018. You have to be 18 in order to enter and you have to live in the US or Canada and the prize is three feminist porn films. We have Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to the G-Spot. We have Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide Female Orgasms and Midori’s Expert Guide to Sensual Bondage. If you would like to put your name to win these three feminist porn DVDs, then all you have to do is click on the link in the show notes or at dawnserra.com for this episode, which is Episode 214. So if you go to sexgetsreal.com/ep214, you can find the link there to enter the giveaway. 18 years old in the US and/or Canada and it will be a random drawing based on all the names that are in there. You’ve got six days to do it. So jump on that so I can send you some free goodies. 

Dawn Serra: I was supposed to have an episode with Dr. Willie Parker today to talk all about abortion and reproductive justice. I am a longtime fan of Dr. Parker. He actually used to attend the Washington DC Pro-Choice Book Club that I ran for a number of years. He was there in the early 2000s. Whenever he was in attendance for the book club, we always had the most incredible conversations. He has a new book out talking all about his relationship being someone who is deeply Christian and who sees his job as an abortion provider as one of the most Christian, Good Samaritan things that he can think of. We had technical difficulties and could not get the technology to work for him. So we will be rescheduling that. 

I’ve got some really fun other interviews that are coming up. Shadeen Francis, who was one of the favorites from this year’s Explore More Summit, and I are actually chatting tomorrow. We’re going to be talking all about trust, honesty, transparency, chemistry. She has this fantastic formula for trust that if you listened to the show a couple of months ago, you heard me do a little teaser clip from our talk. But we’ll be going much deeper into why, especially after a betrayal, honesty is probably not the thing you want to be going for. Lots of other fun people coming up. But this week, it’s going to be you and me and some questions that I am super excited about. 

Dawn Serra: First up, is a note from Bug. It’s a hilarious sex toy story that Bug wanted to share. It says, “I recently found this podcast and I started from the beginning. I’m at Episode 43. I just listened to Episode 38 and I’m cracking up laughing because you started talking about men and their sex toys. So full disclosure for the sake of the story I’m about to tell you, my husband and I have a fabulous relationship. We just are not sexually compatible due to disabilities. We have to get creative. About a year ago we had decided I would go to the local sex store and pick up a new toy for him and a new toy for me. And then we would have a sexual, sexy mutual masturbation session. So I go buy the toys and I selected for him a pocket pussy that said on the box, “Pop My Cherry.” I think it’s really funny and my hope is that it will be nice and tight and feel good.

I head home, we throw on porn, get naked, grab our new toys and we get started. And then we start hearing this noise. We looked at each other, paused the porn. He continues using his pocket pussy for a second, and then we burst out laughing because as he was using the pocket pussy, you can literally hear the cherry popping with every in-out motion. So we got going again and over the porn, you kept hearing “pop-pop-pop,” over and over. We could not stop laughing. It was great.” 

Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for writing in, Bug, with your hilarious sex toy story. I’m glad that the two of you not only have this wonderful experience of getting creative around sex and mutually masturbating and having toys and watching porn – all wonderful, wonderful, yummy things,  but I also love that you’re able to giggle about the absurdity and the silliness that sometimes come with all of those things. So, yay, for you for being able to laugh and have a good time and still enjoy yourselves. Thank you for giving all of us a heads up on what happens if you get the pocket pussy “Pop My Cherry” toy. I have never seen that one. But now we all know what happens. So thank you so much for that, Bug. 

I got a question a few weeks ago from someone named Regis. The subject line is “Orgasmic contractions.” What amused me about this is had Regis been listening to the show, they probably would have heard me answer is somewhat similar question about toe curling that I did a couple of months ago. So for those of you who listen to the show very regularly, you’re going to have an idea of where my answer goes. But let me read it, and then we will talk about it briefly. 

Dawn Serra: So Regis writes, “When I was with my ex, she would have involuntary contractions in her vagina that were visible in her ass, like winking when she came. I’ve watched orgasmic contraction porn videos and I find it hot. I know that men also have these contractions when we orgasm and have the same visual views and internal muscle contractions. My question is, when my new partner comes, she doesn’t have the involuntary muscular contractions. What can be going on here? Isn’t this the true telltale sign a woman is coming. I read the definition of orgasm and it is a part of it. Thanks, Regis.”

Part of me gets the curiosity because I’m endlessly, endlessly a fan of curiosity and part of me feels disappointed that instead of trusting our partners to tell us about their experience, there is this cultural expectation that if we can find the right key or the right combination of things or the right visual cue, we’ll know for certain. Which basically says, “I don’t trust my partner. I don’t trust my partner to know their body or their experience. So instead, I’m going to look for these toe curls or I’m going to look for these contractions in the anus or I’m going to look for a certain kind of flutter of breath or a certain kind of flush, because I don’t actually trust my partner when they tell me what their experience is.” That to me is deeply disappointing. 

Dawn Serra: I think it says a lot about the kind of relationships that you’re potentially having. There is no one size fits all when it comes to bodies, when it comes to sex, when it comes to the ways that we feel and the ways that we experience pleasure. There are a lot of commonalities and there are a lot of things that happen in a very similar way. But it is not a universal. There is never going to be– Everyone has this single experience. We are far too complex for that. And we have far too much variation. 

The ways that our bodies work are always going to be up for exception, whether it’s muscular contractions or the ways that our bodies age or the shapes of our genitals or the types of noises we make or how it feels to be in our skin. It’s 100% and totally unique. So you might line up a million people and 999,999 might have a very similar response, and then there’s probably always going to be one who doesn’t. That doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with that one or that there’s something broken about them. It just means they’re different. The faster that we can culturally become comfortable with differences without having to compare and try and find the normalcy in the response, the closer we’re going to be to everyone being able to actually just have wonderful experiences. 

There could be a thousand reasons why you’re not seeing the cues that you think you should be seeing. And instead of looking for those cues, I would recommend talking to your partner, Regis. If she says that she’s having an orgasm, there’s literally nothing that you can ever look for that will give you that 100% proof. You either have to decide you trust her or you don’t. If you don’t trust her word, then she deserves something better. 

Dawn Serra: I think it’s one thing to be curious about bodies and to say, “Oh. Well, my last partner did this and I’ve seen some of these things in porn and my current partner doesn’t do that.” Cool. Bodies are different. Bodies do all kinds of different things. I ask my partner about their experience. And then whatever my partner says, that’s the truth. Because you can’t ever be in your partner’s body. You can never be inside of your partner’s experience, understanding what they feel or how their body works. That’s literally a mystery that will always be true. That you can’t know what their experience is like. So just ask. We have to stop looking for these guarantees that something is happening in somebody else’s body. And we have to just trust them when they say yes or no or here’s what’s going on for me. 

In fact, Emily Nagoski just gave a talk on the big TED stage for 2018 TED Conference, which is massive. If you haven’t seen Emily Nagoski’s new video for her talk, then I’m going to link to it in the show notes and for the episode, because a lot of her talk is about this very thing. That our genitals do all kinds of things for all kinds of evolutionary reasons and also for trauma reasons. But just because someone isn’t wet or hard, doesn’t mean that they’re not enjoying themselves. Just because someone is wet or hard, does not mean that they want what’s happening to them, that they like what’s happening to them, that they want it to continue. 

Dawn Serra: The genitals and the brain often do things differently than we would like them to do. There’s all kinds of brain science about why. I want every human being on the face of the planet to see Emily Nagoski’s TED talk because it’s about this very thing. It ties so closely to this question. But bodies do all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons. But the experience of what’s happening in the body is utterly unique to that person who’s experiencing it. Whether you’re curious about why or why not around genital wetness or hardness or orgasms or contractions, you cannot be relying on those visual cues, on the feelings with your hands. You have to be asking your partner, “Hey. What’s going on for you? What’s this like for you?” And then whatever they tell you, it’s up to you to decide whether or not you want to trust that. But if you’re not going to trust it, then why are you there? 

I think you’re asking the wrong question, Regis. I think that noticing that is interesting and noticing that could be a point of wonderful delight and curiosity. But there is no true telltale sign that a woman is coming. It’s just, you got to ask. You got to ask her what’s going on for her and that’s the end of the story. If you continue looking for cues and trying to put the puzzle together because you don’t want to trust her word, then that’s really shitty. Unfortunately, way too many of us are taught that that’s what we should be doing. That just reinforces all kinds of violence. So let’s not do that. Let’s trust our partners when they tell us what’s going on for them. And then we have to deal with the feelings that come up around that. But that’s not for our partners to have to navigate. Regis, I would encourage you check in with your partner. If she says she’s having fun, then she’s probably having fun. That’s the best that you’re going to be able to get. Sorry. That’s just how bodies work there. There are no guarantees.

Dawn Serra: This next question comes from– I’m not sure if I can use this person’s name. I’ll just use the first name. It’s Christina. The subject line is “Sex only once a week.” “My husband will only have sex with me once a week. We’ve been married 19 years. It has always been this way. It’s always on Saturday morning and I am so frustrated. I have talked to him about it and he tells me to be more aggressive, but when I am, he always tells me to stop. He has even turned completely over onto his stomach so I can’t touch him. When I get upset over this, he thinks I’m overreacting. I feel like I should deny him on a few Saturday mornings, but if I do, then I will be even more sexually frustrated. He makes it worse by grabbing my ass or my breasts and kissing me romantically. But when I react, he still tells me not now or calls me a pervert. This just makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. He always makes jokes about not getting it enough when he’s around his friends. I’m too embarrassed to tell his friends that it’s because he doesn’t want me. I’ve never cheated, but I can understand why it happens. I love my husband and I don’t know how to be without him. But I don’t know if I have the strength to put up with this anymore.”

First off, Christina, I just want to say, I’m really sorry that you feel so frustrated and so at the end of your rope and so embarrassed. It sounds like a pretty challenging situation. Just want to honor that. It also sounds like a situation where there’s a lot of stuff going on that’s not super helpful. I could probably spend an entire hour just on your email, but we’ll do our best as quickly as we can. 

Dawn Serra: The first is, 19 years and things have always been this way. If you’ve been doing something the same way for 19 years, then expecting it to change overnight or quickly is going to set you up for a lot of frustration. After 19 years of this habit and the ways that you communicate, you probably are going to need either a marriage counselor or a marriage therapist or a sex and relationship coach. But you’re probably going to need somebody else to come in and help the two of you notice the patterns that you’re trapped in, so that you can find new ways to relate to each other and to break these patterns. 

I also find it interesting that the two of you have what seems like this big disconnect around denying each other’s feelings and denying each other’s experiences. He tells you to be more aggressive, and then when you are, he tells you to stop. It sounds like he’s not quite sure what he wants and/or he’s scared to tell you the truth. And then for him to have to physically turn over so that you can’t touch him, I wonder how much are you pushing him beyond his stop? When you get upset, he thinks you’re overreacting. Again, then there’s some gaslighting happening. I’m also worried. “I should deny him a few Saturday mornings. But if I do, I’ll be even more sexually frustrated.” That kind of game playing is not helpful to anything either. 

Dawn Serra: I think acknowledging that you’re sexually frustrated is important. It means you have wants and needs that aren’t getting met and that feels bad. What about your sexual relationship with yourself? Have you dabbled in or try it out or made time for? How are you meeting your sexual needs? How often are you masturbating and taking an erotic content and having erotic experiences that don’t necessarily have to be sexual, but certainly can feed that erotic fire? Where are you inviting in pleasure and ecstasy in your life that might be with solo sex or mutual masturbation? And it might not be sexual at all. It might just be sensual and pleasurable. 

It sounds like you’re expecting your husband to meet this need. I haven’t heard anything in this email about the ways that you’re meeting your needs. How are you taking care of yourself sexually? How are you touching yourself and delighting in yourself and giving yourself permission to be fully sexually expressed without feeling like you have to force your husband to do something that sounds like he’s really not up for? Because we can be deeply, sexually liberated and pleasurable and joyous without having a partner or without engaging with a partner.

Dawn Serra: Of course, yes. We get things from our partners when we touch and when our bodies are against each other (and when there is skin, and when there’s connection and intimacy. It sounds like he’s trying to connect with you in those ways physically that don’t involve genital contact or intercourse. You said he grabs your ass or your breasts and he kisses you romantically. And you say, this makes it worse. I wonder, what about those things aren’t being appreciated? Why is kissing or having your ass touched not sexual. Why isn’t that satisfying? 

Because sex can be so many different things and when we are so focused on it has to be the intercourse, we end up causing so much stress and distress in our lives and on our relationships. Because there’s going to be many different points in our lives when intercourse and genitals might not be available to us for a variety of reasons. So how can you find that heat and that desire and that joy and the kisses? How can you get off and delight in the ass touching or the breast touching? Then maybe, if you do get turned on, say, “Alright. I’m going to go take care of myself. If you want to join, great. If not, I’m going to have a little alone time in the shower or in the bedroom and you do whatever you need to do.” And then you get to go in and have a delicious, yummy sexual experience with yourself. Maybe he’ll join you and maybe he won’t. 

Dawn Serra: My guess is though, right now, he’s feeling deeply burdened by the disappointment. He probably feels like he’s not living up to social expectations of what it means to “be a man,” because you even said that he tells his friends he’s not getting it enough. So what I’m hearing is he’s performing what he thinks is masculinity and being a good husband and he’s probably ashamed. He probably feels distressed and upset that his body or his libido aren’t reacting the way that he probably thinks they should. He probably knows he’s disappointing you. If there is a fast track to not feeling sexy, stress, disappointment, shame, embarrassment – Wooh! – that is at the very top of the list. 

I guess my number one thing is, get some help. Work with a therapist or counselor or coach to help the two of you find new ways to have conversations and sharing about this that can bring in a little bit of fun and some creativity to break you out of this very stuck place, where the same things are happening over and over and over again. It’s just going to keep getting more and more stuck, the more that the two of you cycle in this way. 

Then what are the ways that you are meeting your own sexual needs? There is nothing less than about masturbating and enjoying erotica or watching movies that turn you on or having him touch you in little ways that turn you on, and then going and taking a really yummy shower or bath and using a toy. All of that is a valid, delicious, potentially pleasure-filled sexual experience that could probably meet a whole bunch of your needs. 

Dawn Serra: And then I think what’s really important is for you to sit down and ask yourself, what is it about sex with your husband that you get from them? Why? Why sex with your husband? Is it because it makes you feel connected? Is it because it’s a way for you to get pleasure? Is it because it makes you feel validated in some way? Is it because you like feeling desired? Whatever the reason is that sex is so important to you, when you can dive beneath the sex itself and find what is the actual need that’s being met with this – the connection or the creativity or the release, or whatever it is – then when you say, “Well, it’s the connection or it’s the pleasure or it’s the feeling desired,” there’s so many ways to feel connected to a partner.

There’s so many ways to feel erotic or creative or desired with a partner. That doesn’t just have to be genitals, intercourse, sex. And the more we can open ourselves up to all the possibilities, one, the more fun we open ourselves up to having and the more we can play in that space. But the less pressure, we feel to then demand access to our partners body. That’s what I’m hearing here. Especially with him turning over onto your stomach so that you can’t touch him. It’s giving me this sense of this grabbiness of, “I deserve access to your body. When you don’t give it to me, all these bad things happen.” That’s a really terrible way to treat another human being. 

Dawn Serra: You’re allowed to be frustrated. You’re allowed to be disappointed. You’re allowed to feel things aren’t changing. You’re allowed to feel maybe he’s giving you mixed messages and you feel like you can’t win. All of those things are super valid. I think recognizing the ways that maybe your behavior is contributing to what’s going on and all of the other ways that you could start feeling some of the really yummy things that it’s clear you really want to feel, you’d probably start experiencing a pretty significant shift. 

Good luck to you, Christina. I think that there’s a lot of potential for incredible, yummy, new things to happen. But you have to stop doing what you’ve been doing because it’s clearly not working. Take some time to really think about the why and what’s underneath it all that’s driving this. Because it sounds like the two of you have a pretty unhealthy dynamic right now around sex. The more that you decide you need to be right or that you need to change him or that you need to convince him to give you more access to his body, the worse the situation is going to become. I hope that’s helpful. I know it’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but I hope it just gives you some new ways to think about the problem. If you try any of the things please write in and let me know how it goes so I can give everyone an update.

Dawn Serra: Sarah wrote in with an email that amused me deeply. Sarah says, “Hi, Dawn! I’m a new listener of your show. I have listened to every single episode over the past couple of months–” To which I say, oh, my God! I am sorry. That is so much of my voice. But anyway, Sarah goes on to say, “I love it when you talk about the things that you enjoy and the things that you want. It’s been a while since you had some of those candid conversations with Dylan and I would love to know, what are some of the things that you like most? What are some of the things that turn you off? Tell us more about you.” 

I wasn’t sure exactly where to go with this. That was actually the end of Sarah’s email. Sorry. I wasn’t quite sure where to go with this. I thought, “Well, I have this Sex Map game that I made two years ago.” That’s based on the Gottman Institute’s Love Mapping game. The Sex Map game is a really easy to play game that helps you to get super curious about a partner’s experience of sex. There’s an entry level version of the game, and then a varsity level version of the game. It’s just all about giving new ways to have conversations about sex that aren’t the same conversations we’re always happening. 

Dawn Serra: Like Christina, who just wrote in. They’ve been having the same circular conversations about sex and there’s zero curiosity going on for them. That’s one of the number one things that clients come to me with, is shame around talking about sex, the same kinds of conversations and no creativity or play. I made up this little game and you can buy it. It’s nine bucks. I’ll have a link in the show notes. But I thought, since Sarah wrote in saying, “I want to know more,” I thought, “Well, maybe I’ll answer a couple of the Sex Map questions on air.” Just to share a little bit about me which feels weird and also just answer a couple of the Sex Map questions so that you can hear what it’s like when someone answers them. 

For Patreon supporters, I’m going to answer a couple of really, really juicy Sex Map questions. If you go to patreon.com/sgrpodcast, your financial support literally helps keep the lights on on the podcast going. Because getting advertisers for a sex podcast is so hard. There are so many companies that want me to say things that are completely out of alignment with my values or they have terrible ethics or they have terrible products. It’s tough. So every once in a while when I get a sponsorship from, like Lola, it’s great. It’s super exciting. But, by and far, the Patreon support that all of you give me, is what actually helps me to be able to keep doing this. If you support at the $3 level or above, you get free bonus content every week. This week, I’m going to do some of the really juicy questions from the Sex Map game, which feels personal and awkward and makes me a little bit embarrassed. But there it is. For this part of the episode – the free part of the episode – I am going to do a few, maybe a little bit tamer questions. But Sarah, I hope that this whets your appetite. 

Dawn Serra: So, let’s see. There’s 70 questions to choose from. Let’s see. Okay. Here we go. What is your favorite non-intercourse activity when we’re naked? Remember, these are questions that you share with a partner. You can do with multiple partners, but at least one other person. I also recommend for clients who have a lot of shame around sex or a lot of inexperience, that writing your answers out just for yourself to help you find the words can be really helpful. 

Here’s the first question – What is your favorite non-intercourse activity when we’re naked? Okay. Two things come to mind. The first is, one of my favorite feelings in the entire world is just sleeping pressed naked against each other. I don’t care if I’m the big spoon or the little spoon, but just having all that skin touching and being comfy and curled up and hands roaming. That is one of my favorite sensations. I also really love taking showers together and soaping each other up while we talk about our day. That’s a really fun one. I’m really sad for Alex because he hates this so much, which actually makes me delight in it even more, but he hates being tickled. His response when I tickle him is so hysterical that I super love tickling him. So mean. So that’ll be my third one – when we’re naked and we’re just laying around and then tickling him. Just, Oh my God! All the bodies, reiving, and the screams. It’s wonderful. But, yeah. I think my favorite is just curling up in bed, and either sleeping or talking but just all that expansive skin touching. I love it so much. 

Dawn Serra: Another question. Where on your body do you most love to be touched? This one for me is super contextual. It just depends on the context. If I am sore from sitting all day – because sometimes I’ll spend 12, 14 hours sitting and working – I love getting a massage on my sit bones and low back. That feels like heaven. I also just really like having my neck and my shoulders massaged. I really like having my hair touched. Whether it’s someone brushing my hair or shampooing my hair, that feels really good. I do like having my breasts held. But dunk over the nipples, that is one of my least favorite things. I know some people are like, “Yeah. Nipples,” and for me, I’m like, “I am so ambivalent about my nipples. So don’t really do much to them, please.” But just a nice hold. That feels really good when Alex does that. But I have to say, just being touched on my back and my neck and my shoulders. I love being massaged so much. Whether it’s by a professional massage therapist or a friend or Alex, that kind of touch, I almost always need it. Because I am almost always in some kind of pain from sitting and just from chronic pain. So that kind of a touch is really yummy. 

How would I describe the difference between making love and fucking? I think it’s just the energy. When I think about making love versus fucking, the energy behind it is really different. To me, making love can be really intense. But there’s this deliberateness to it, of wanting to just be super present and savoring and looking and enjoying and touching with feeling. Fucking, to me, has this energy of animalism and rawness and frenzy and this insatiable type hunger. I don’t know. I just– There’s an energetic difference. I think often the motions and the touches are the exact same, but the intent and the feeling behind it is rather different. So, yeah. For me, that’s how I would answer that. 

Dawn Serra: Let’s see. Name your favorite place in the house for sexy times. I mean, most of our sexy times happen in the bedroom, which can be super sexy, because there’s all kinds of sexual accoutrement in there. But I do love a good bent over bathroom counter type thing or making a mess out of the sofa. Those two things bring me to light. So, yeah. I’m going to say that. 

Okay. I’m going to do one more, Sarah. And then for Patreon supporters, I’m going to do some of the more personal questions. There’s a couple of kinky ones and some fantasy ones. So make sure you head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast, if you want to hear the bonus for this episode, which is me answering some more of these ultra personal questions. 

Okay. Here’s the last one I’ll do. How do you feel about 69? For a really long time, I hated it. I just hated it. It was always really frustrating to me that I couldn’t really go deep. Not literally deep, but emotionally or essentially deep into the experience of either giving or receiving. When I receive, I want to just utterly receive and when I give, I want to give. I want to worship. I want to savor. I want to delight. And it’s hard. It’s difficult to do, either giving or receiving, utterly and completely when you’re doing 69 in my experience.

Dawn Serra: So, for a really long time– And you’ll hear me in early episodes with Dylan, just being like, “Fuck 69!” I really didn’t like it. Now, my attitudes changed a little bit. It is definitely something that I have done a little bit more of recently and enjoyed more than I have in the past. It’s still not my favorite thing, but it is just a nice thing to have in the repertoire of possibilities. I think one of the things that changed for me around it was realizing that it’s not really about me. If it’s something that a partner enjoys, then I’ll do it and I’ll have fun. But I’m not going to come that way. I’m probably going to struggle to make my partner come that way. Because I can’t give myself over to the experience in quite the same way that I normally do during sexual acts. 

It can be fun. It can be silly. It can feel really good. It can be a nice way to calm down between things or to get things revved up. There can be power dynamics in it. I mean, the person who’s on top and basically smothering the other person’s face can have quite a bit of power. Incorporating that power dynamic has been really fun. 

Dawn Serra: I doubt… Who knows? Things change. I’m open to that change. I doubt it will ever be one of my favorite things because I just really love that really deeply intense experience of either giving or receiving. But now, my feelings at 69 are it can be fun and it can be something I enjoy. It doesn’t have to be more than that. It doesn’t have to be super meaningful or super important. It can just be sometimes that’s kind of fun and sometimes it’s fun to just sit on somebody’s face and smother life out of them with my thighs because I got a lot of thighs. So there you go. Thank you for asking about me, Sarah. I’m glad that I was able to pull out the Sex Map questions. 

For those of you who are interested, it’s a PDF. It’s a game. It comes with instructions. There’s 70 something questions. It’s nine bucks. I’ll have a link in the show notes and on Sex Gets Real for this episode. If you want to grab them and try them yourself. Otherwise, Patreon supporters, tune in because I don’t know why I’m doing this. I’m going to answer some more of those. 

Dawn Serra: Okay. Let me see if there is another listener question ready to go. Our last question for this week’s episode comes from KZ. The subject line is “Foot fetish.” “Hi, Dawn. I love your podcast so very much. It has great information and has opened my eyes. I have a question about my fetish for women’s feet. I find them very sexy, especially the curves, ankles, well-polished toes, clean soles. I even find it a bit hard to be fully aroused if my partner’s feet are not attractive. This is common in men and (and women.) What are some fun ideas you could recommend for sex with feet. Thank you very much. KZ.” 

Well, I’m sure lots of listeners enjoy feet because foot fetish is a pretty common one. If you do any search ever for pretty much any celebrity and then the word feet, you can find literally pages upon pages and Google have pictures of their feet. Because people are super into feet. If you go on FetLife, feet, so a thing. In fact, there’s an adult performer that I know who doesn’t really enjoy feet, not against it, but not really for it. It doesn’t do anything for her. But she gets so many requests from people when she’s doing custom scenes and clips. There’s so many people who are constantly asking to see her feet or to have her do scenes with feet that now she’s like, “I don’t want anybody looking at my feet. I don’t want to anybody touching my feet. I am so tired of the foot thing.” 

Dawn Serra: That is just to say it is very common. I’m not sure how common it is for women to be into men’s feet. I think, generally, when you hear about a foot fetish, it’s almost always men and women… Men fetishizing women’s feet. So I would love to know if there’s any women listening who are super into men’s feet. I’m sure that there are people out there. It’s just most of what I’ve come across is always around women’s feet. And, yeah. It’s just a thing. People are… 

People do all kinds of things with feet. From sucking on feet and playing with feet, to watching porn about feet and using feet to jerk off a dick. Hey, my ex even said that once with a partner, they tried putting feet in each other’s genitals just to see– “It’s like people talk about fisting. Well, what happens if we would slide a foot in there? My toes at least?” It turned into a pretty hilarious situation that was not sexy for them. But who knows? It might be sexy for other people, I’m sure. Just make sure those toenails are clipped and not sharp. You don’t want tissue tearing. 

Dawn Serra: My recommendation to you though, KZ, is there are so many forums and discussion boards, especially if you go to like FetLife, where people are talking about feet that you will have no problem whatsoever finding other foot fetishists to just talk to about this and to ask for tips and to get suggestions. It is not one of my things, but it is lots of other people’s things. I would just encourage you to find some community around it. I am sure there’s all kinds of resources available for people who can share pictures and videos that are footastic. That might give you some ideas around ways that you want to play with feet. 

And then my one recommendation is, there is nothing wrong whatsoever with finding feet super hot and having a fetish for feet. Just make sure you’re never treating a person as an object that happens to be attached to the feet. You can appreciate feet all you want, but try not to objectify or dehumanize the human beings who are partnering with you and giving you access to their bodies, including their feet. So sit with that, see what comes up, and then enjoy your fetish because we’re all allowed to have our yummy, sexy things and see what works for you. Get creative. Talk to your partners. See what they’re up for. Then play in that space. So enjoy your foot fetish and there are lots of people listening who are right there with you. I hope you find some fun people that you can talk to you about all things feet. Thank you so much, KZ.

Dawn Serra: To everybody listening, don’t forget to enroll for my Boundaries Workshop. It is releasing in just a couple of weeks and it is good. It is so good. It’s going to have all kinds of self-reflective exercises and a series of videos all about different aspects of boundary work and trauma and healing and navigating the feelings that always come up whenever we’re trying to set a boundary with family, friends, co-workers and partners. Don’t forget to put your name in the hat for the porn giveaway. That link is in the show notes, as well as at sexgetsreal.com/ep214 for Episode 214. You can also grab the Sex Map game there. 

If you want to send me any questions to field, either on my own or with a guest down the road, you can use the contact form at dawnserra.com. You can do that anonymously. You know I love hearing from you. It’s the best. And Patreon supporters, I will see you over at patreon.com/sgrpodcast for this week’s somewhat embarrassing bonus. Bye!