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Welcome to this week’s episode of listener questions!
First up, Love All of Him sent an update. Find out what happened after they followed my advice and what lead to them having PIV sex for the first time.
Leo from Scotland wrote in. He’s had digestive issues for a few years and now his butthole is kind of saggy. He feels ashamed and doesn’t know what to say to potential partners. Internalized ableism sucks. The good news is most people have no idea what buttholes look like, so let’s about genital diversity and sharing vulnerable stuff about our bodies.
Soldier0510 is a service member stationed in South Korea with a wife back home in the US. She asks about keeping the heat burning while long distance, especially since they are both new and curious and BDSM dynamics. In addition to loads of recommendations about long distance kink and power dynamics, I also suggest a few books including “The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasies“, “The Ultimate Guide to Kink“, “Playing Well with Others“, and “Radical Ecstasy.”
Christian, a 32 year old gay man who comes from an anti-sex religious background wrote in. After years of hiding his sexuality and using porn as a coping mechanism, he now has a boyfriend but doesn’t know how to enjoy sex with another person. He is having trouble staying hard and wonders if his porn use destroyed his sexuality.
I have a lot of thoughts, including the importance of spending time worshipping your partner without needing to have an erection, or without needing to focus on orgasm, or sex as the goal. Learn what happens when you slow down.
Dega Glitter is a self-identified 34 straight female virgin who is terrified about sex but avidly reads erotica. She writes in about a complex, secret, problematic relationship with an older man she had in her early twenties and the psychological ripples of that liaison. This is an emotional one and I do my best to tread tenderly. Therapy and professional support are often our best resources when we’re struggling.
TS writes in to asks about Dawn’s opinion on the Five Love Languages book. Do you prefer receiving gifts, quality time, or acts of service? Find out what Dawn’s favorite love languages are and which ones she’d rather not receive anymore.
Follow Dawn on Instagram.
About Dawn Serra
Dawn Serra is a therapeutic Body Trust coach and pleasure advocate. As a white, cis, middle class, queer, fat, survivor, Dawn’s work is a fiercely compassionate invitation for each of us to deepen our relationships with our bodies and our pleasure as an antidote to the trauma, disconnection, and isolation so many of us feel. Your pleasure matters. Your body is wise. Dawn’s work is all about creating spaces and places for you to explore what that means on your terms. To learn more, visit dawnserra.com or follow Dawn on Instagram.
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Episode Transcript
Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!
Hey, lovely listeners. Welcome to this week’s episode. It’s just going to be you and me, and a bunch of your very juicy and sometimes challenging questions. So welcome and thank you so much for being here with me. Just a quick note, Patreon supporters, there is a little bonus for this week’s episode. If you support the $3 level or above, you get access at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. It’s me reading an erotic story from the book “Take Me There: Trans and Gender Queer Erotica,” which was edited by Tristan Taoramino. So there is a delicious little story about being watched that I am reading in that bonus. So if you want to hear a little bit of erotica and treat yourself to something yummy, be sure to pop over and tune in for that.
Dawn Serra: The first email is actually a follow-up from Love All of Him, who wrote in a couple of months ago, wanting to know how to appreciate her partner who was a guy in a bigger body. She was worried he wasn’t enjoying the sex that they were having and she wanted to love every single inch of him without him having to change a thing. She wrote with a follow-up that says,
“Hey, Dawn. Thank you so much for your thoughts on my previous email. I was flabbergasted how simple some of those things seemed. Ask him? *Gasp* All jokes aside, I followed your advice. We had a good talk. It turns out, he doesn’t feel left out. He enjoys what we’re doing and feels perfectly comfortable requesting any change he wants or needs. He knows what positions work for his body. They just aren’t my favorites, so I didn’t think of them and a couple of things I had never even heard of. In related news, a quick comment to your other listeners: buy the Liberator wedge, just do it. You will thank yourself. With a little assistance from the wedge, we had PIV for the very first time. It was great. But I find myself with a much broader definition and enjoyment of sex thanks to him. PIV or penis and vagina intercourse isn’t even the half of it. You said you like follow-ups, so I thought I’d give you a note. Thanks again for all you do and the amazing advice and education you offer every week on my favorite podcast. You’ve got a fan for life.”
Dawn Serra: Oh, things like this warm my heart. I love it. I’m so glad that was helpful. And it can be so shocking and sometimes frustrating, I know, because so many of you write in with such vulnerable, powerful, important questions. When we are in our lives, experiencing the problems and the feelings we have, it can feel like no one in the world could possibly know what it feels like to be here. But, sometimes the advice of “Just talk to them.” “Ask them,” “I can’t be the expert in their experiences, so that means you’ll have to get your information from them,” can seem flipped or I’m avoiding the answer. But amazing things happen when we actually find the courage to just ask and to allow the answer to be what it is. And that’s exactly what you did, Love All of Him, and it sounds like wonderful things are unfolding because of that. So thank you for having the courage.
Thank you for sending me an update. Also, thank you for telling everybody the amazing things that a wedge can do for your sex life. Especially if you’re in a body that’s bigger or that experiences pain or that just isn’t that flexible or just because you want to. Having sex furniture can be such a wonderful addition to the bedroom. I’m glad you’re enjoying it and thank you so much for writing back.
Dawn Serra: Leo wrote in and it says,
“Hi, Dawn. I just love Sex Gets Real, and finally got the courage to ask my sex question. I’ve had digestive issues for a few years and through that have ended up with my butt hole not looking like it used to. One side is kind of saggy. I feel ashamed about it. I’ve never brought it up with a lover and just say that I’m not into butt stuff at the moment, and hope that they don’t notice or ask about it. Do you have any advice on normalizing it and what to say? I feel like it’s icky to bring up digestive issueswhen you’re in a sexy headspace. I already have a fatigue condition and reduced concentration and coordination, which I feel embarrassed about. Internal ableism sucks! Thank you from Scotland, Leo.”
Dawn Serra: Leo, so many of us have so much shame around so many parts of our bodies, whether we were born with our bodies looking a certain way or they become that way through age or illness or disability or surgery. Our bodies are going to go through many changes in our lifetimes. Some of them might feel okay. Some of them might feel neutral and some of them might feel devastating or something that brings us a lot of shame and embarrassment. Certainly, it sounds like you’re experiencing some shame.
The first thing I want to offer is that most people have never seen their own asshole. Most people have only ever seen assholes and anuses in porn. Thankfully, I think more and more people are starting to realize that the bodies they see in porn, especially if they’re watching the more mainstream stuff and not feminist ethical stuff, is that it lacks a lot of diversity and nuance. A lot of the bodies can look the same, because they’re casting for that. They’re casting for bodies that are bleached and waxed and fit a certain aesthetic. Thankfully, more and more people are starting to realize that’s just not very representative of life. So the first thing I want to offer is most people don’t even really know the diversity that comes from anuses. I mean, there’s all kinds of different puckers and colors, and hair and– Oh, god. They can look so different. So someone might not even realize that you think yours looks different. If all they know is that’s what your asshole looks like, then they might just think that’s what your asshole looks like. If someone were to comment on it, I think it would probably be a pretty good indicator on what kind of person they were and whether or not they even deserve access to your body.
Dawn Serra: Now, if you want to say something about it, because it’s a way to help navigate that shame, and it helps you to feel more connected to the person that you’re sharing your body with. There’s absolutely ways to have those conversations, especially when it’s not in a sexy space. Way too many of us wait until we’re naked and the stakes are high, and we’re having big feelings and big expectations to try and have these conversations. That’s just not the place to do it.
We need to be able to have conversations about our bodies, our needs, our desires outside of the bedroom and when we’re not in an aroused state. It makes it so much easier to share and get curious and not feel like everything is on the line. So, if you want to have a conversation about it with somebody, start by asking them about their experience of their body or sharing that your relationship with your body has been pretty complicated. Because you’ve had some digestive issues or just because it’s changed, and ask them if they have any experiences with their bodies changing. And it’s okay to say, “There’s parts of my body that I’m not in love with. In fact, there’s a part or two that I feel a lot of shame around and I just want to name that and see if you can hold space for that. Is there anything on your body that you’re ashamed of that I can be really tender and patient around too?” And having that kind of a conversation can offer a wonderful opportunity for holding space and for connecting.
Dawn Serra: So when we take take the edge off the conversation by not having it when we’re naked and either in the middle of sex or about to have sex, it can give us many more opportunities for answering questions and for not taking things personally. Because having a conversation like that with someone goes well, is a wonderful indicator that they’re probably a pretty good person to trust with your body. But if you have a conversation like that with someone and they react really terribly, they probably aren’t the kind of person you want to be having sex with. So allow your body to be what it is. Of course, we have feelings about our bodies when they change, of course, we’re going to feel embarrassed or ashamed if we feel like something is different about ourselves. But most people genuinely have no idea about the vast variety of assholes and so they’re not going to know that yours is changing. If it is something that you think is going to be super noticeable, talk about it in a lower stakes situation.
I hope that it is helpful and thank you so much for writing in. I guarantee, you’re not the only person who feels embarrassed or ashamed of their genital area. There are all kinds of things with testicles and labia, and clitorises and penises, and all the different shapes and sizes and amazing things that our bodies are capable of. So, just know you’re absolutely not alone. Good luck and thank you, Leo.
Dawn Serra: Soldier0515 wrote in with a subject line of “Long Distance.”
“I’m a service member currently stationed in South Korea while my wife is still in the States. We’ve recently started talking about BDSM, Kinks, and fantasies. Do you have any tips or sources that will help us explore this with the remaining eight months of distance we have left? We’re both women, by the way.”
Thank you for asking that question. Long distance can be so challenging for so many reasons. I am intimately familiar with that particular challenge. And while I have never been in the service or stationed overseas, I have done the distance thing between Canada and the U.S.. It’s hard when you can’t see each other for an extended period of time. But the great news is, because of technology, there’s all kinds of things that we can do, that help us feel connected and to stay excited and to build all of that yummy anticipation for when you are back together.
Dawn Serra: The first thing I want to offer is, reading and writing erotica for each other can be an incredible way to, one, learn about all the different delicious sexual fantasies that others have in the spaces that you’re interested in. And, two, writing erotica together or writing erotic stories can be a beautiful way to reveal fantasies and things that arouse the each of you. So, if you have an opportunity via email or letters to communicate back and forth, and share stories – either reading them online or via audio books and then discussing. Then, starting a story and going back and forth and building on that story together. Absolutely a yummy way to explore that space. Also, investing in ebooks or audiobooks on the topics that you’re interested in could be a really fun way for both of you to have something you look forward to each week, where you agree to read a certain number of pages or a specific chapter. Then you can discuss it via email or on your calls or even when you get home knowing that you’re both reading the same things.
The first two books that came to mind were “The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasies” and “The Ultimate Guide to Kink.” Both of those books are comprehensive and have loads of submissions from experts in the field that give you a way to explore lots of different sexual fantasies and also lots of different elements of kink and BDSM. There’s also, “Playing Well With Others: Your Field Guide to Discovering, Exploring, and Navigating the Kink, Leather and BDSM Communities” by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams. That could be another one for you to check out. And of course, I always love “Radical Ecstasy” by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. That one is about transcendent kink and achieving transcendent states when you’re engaging and BDSM. So look at the books and see what sounds most interesting to the two of you. You can start a little two person book club where you’re reading erotica and reading these books, either audio or ebooks, whatever is easiest for you stationed in South Korea. Then use that as a way to start developing a shared vocabulary to explore each other’s fantasies and the potential of where you might want to go.
Dawn Serra: You can even try dabbling in a little bit of power dynamics across the distance. If one of you feels a little bit more dominant, and another of you feels a little more submissive, or maybe your boss switches, and so you can go back and forth, or you just want to try all the things. You can try establishing little rewards and punishments for achieving certain things. Maybe you command your wife to send you a sexy picture the next time she’s in the shower, and then there’s a reward or a punishment, whether or not that happens to your satisfaction. All sorts of yummy places to go. You just have to be willing to be a little creative and also to get a little bit curious.
There’s some wonderful resources out there and if you have access to books and to sharing privately with each other via email or on your calls, use that time as a way to learn together and to plan to build anticipation for all the things that you’d like to do. So that when you do get back eight months from now, you have this rich, huge diverse toolbox full of all the things you’ve talked about. Maybe the two of you can do some “Yes No, Maybe lists” together. There’s a free one that you get when you sign up for the Sex Gets Real newsletter, and then Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvin-Berg also have a Yes No, Maybe lists on their website. You can go to sunnymegatron.com for that. So even doing things like Yes No, Maybe lists to start figuring out where do we have some definite yeses and where are there some curiosities and maybes, and where are their definite nos and then comparing notes. Then building potential scenes or writing potential erotica around where you have some overlap in the yeses and the maybes. Another fun project for the two of you to take on. So I hope that’s helpful. I also want to wish you the very, very best during these next eight months. I know that it can’t be easy. Man, am I so glad those days are over. But use them to your advantage to just enjoy the possibilities of your imagination. So that when the two of you have that in person time again, there’s going to be so many things you want to try. You feel like you’re never going to run out of ideas. Good luck and thank you so much for listening.
Dawn Serra: Are you looking for new ways to level up? To explore? Or to have something to connect around? In addition to my three weekly live streams at O.school, that’s the URL – Pop Culture Undressed, where I talked all about pop culture, love, sex, and romance. I am now pre-enrolling for three new ondemand workshops that you can take from the privacy of your home entirely online. They’re affordable, they’re fun, and they give you an opportunity to learn new things and engage with new ideas either on your own or with a partner. So the three workshops that are pre-enrolling now are: Take Up Space, a workshop on boundaries, self-worth, and strengthening your relationship with self. Anger Allowed a workshop on naming, exploring, and embracing your anger. This is especially powerful for folks who’ve been socialized female, please join me for that one. Your anger is so valid and so invisible in so many ways. Then the third one is called Time to Play. Explore your capacity for play, to reconnect, reignite, and rejuvenate. Because the more that we play, the more we give ourselves the opportunity to stay creative, and full of joy and delight and I want to show you how.
If you’re interested in pre-enrolling for these courses, just head to dawnserra.com/courses. You can see all of the courses that I have available including these three brand new ones that you can pre-enroll for now and they will be released in the next couple of months. So please stay tuned and enjoy.
Dawn Serra: Christian wrote in with a subject line of “Out of the closet, but not yet proud.”
“Hi, Dawn. First of all, I feel so lucky to have discovered your show. I come from an anti-sex religious background and your warm responses to listeners’ questions are a breath of fresh air. You are the polar opposite of what religious conservatives conjure when they talk about sexuality. They taught me to expect a gross world of sad, damaged people using each other. But you remind me that sex can be kind, respectful, healthy, and kinky and hot all at the same time. So thank you. Now to my question. I’m a 32 year old gay man. For the first 30 years of my life, I either lived in the closet or was trying to overcome my gayness through Christian ministries. During those years of loneliness, I picked up some unhealthy coping mechanisms, including a porn addiction. For years, porn was my only outlet. Two years ago, I got honest. I quit my church, came out, and started dating. I have a wonderful boyfriend now who I love and trust a lot. But after years of exclusively using porn, I don’t know how to enjoy sex with a real person. So far, we’ve only done oral and hand stuff with lots of kissing and affectionate touching.”
Dawn Serra: “Lately, I’ve been having trouble staying hard. It makes me wonder if I’ve destroyed my sexuality with porn. Frantic online searches for help led to articles about porn-induced erectile dysfunction. There’s a community of men who confessed to this problem and who support each other in quitting porn. I have mixed thoughts on this. Part of me doubts PIED is actually a thing. Much of what I read about it online is couched in moralistic shame language which is triggering, but it also makes sense that after years of only fantasy, I would have a hard time connecting with a real person. My boyfriend is attractive. My ideal, in fact. But seeing him naked doesn’t make me hot the way porn does, and my body doesn’t respond to him the way it responds to porn. I try to mitigate this by timing things just right, waiting until I have a morning erection, for example. But even then, the erections are weak and I can tell he’s disappointed.”
“I want to have a good exciting sex life with him. He’s been very understanding and patient. But I worry that will only last so long. How can I take steps to build intimacy and confidence? And how much are my porn viewing habits to blame? The whole situation makes me very angry. I feel like the church stole my youth and crippled my ability to connect. But more than that, it makes me feel old and broken like damaged goods. Any light you can share would be welcome. Thanks.”
Dawn Serra: Christian, I am so sorry that you were not raised in a situation that taught you your body was yours, and that sex was healthy and normal, and that you were allowed to delight in your body and your desires for exactly what they are. A lot of us aren’t raised that way. It can cause tremendous shame and fear and– God, all kinds of coping mechanisms and behaviors that maybe don’t really represent who we most want to be. I love that you’ve come out and that you have a boyfriend, and that you’re exploring these questions about yourself. It’s such an important journey to go on. And I know that word gets used all the time – journey. But that’s exactly what you’ve been on – a journey to find your courage, to name who you are, to honor that, and then to take steps to try and make yourself as happy as you can be.
So the first thing that I want to note is that porn didn’t create this problem. Your use of porn may have caused some habits or some feelings that you now need to unpack and navigate. But, porn is not inherently problematic or addictive. There have been numerous studies showing that porn addiction doesn’t actually exist. That said, we can use something that’s perfectly benign and harm ourselves with it. We can make choices that don’t serve us in the healthiest of ways. But considering your situation and how many years you felt lonely and alone, and your identity wasn’t valid, of course, finding a way to feel less alone and to get through that time is important. Yay for even having access to something that helped a little bit with that suffering.
Dawn Serra: One of the things that I thought about as I was reading your email was, for people, there’s lots of people who have had this experience, who love salty foods. If they end up in a situation where their doctor tells them you need to cut back on salt, that shift can feel bland and disappointing, because the flavor is so different. But over time, our taste buds adjust and we can start tasting foods in whole new ways. I have absolutely done that in the past. It’s amazing how things that used to not really taste good suddenly start tasting amazing if I just give myself the opportunity to let my body change, to let my body grieve, to let myself have feelings about it all. And I kind of think about that in your situation.
You’re putting so much pressure on yourself and you’re telling yourself some pretty intense stories about your boyfriend and how he’s a feeling. So the first thing I want to say is, you said that your boyfriend’s been very understanding and patient but you worry it will only last so long. You also said, “I can tell he’s disappointed.” Has he told you he’s disappointed? Has he used those words to express that? Or is that a story you’re telling yourself because you’re afraid that things aren’t working the way that you wanted them to? I would start there. Talk to him about your fears. Ask him how he’s feeling. Ask him what his experience is. It might not be the story you’re telling yourself. And if it is, then at least you know and now you’re being very upfront and open with each other.
Dawn Serra: I would also encourage you to start consuming different types of media that help you to broaden your ideas about bodies, how they work, how they look, what they do. Spend time worshiping your boyfriend without needing to have an erection or without being focused on orgasm or sex as the goal. What happens when you slow down? Because often when we turn to porn, it’s because we need or want this very quick little release. It’s like a shortcut to getting us off. And it’s a wonderful thing to have at our disposal as one of our tools. But when it’s the only tool we use… Spending time in a situation where things take time can feel foreign and disappointing and awkward and maybe you’re doing something wrong. Because your life isn’t living up to this very edited and scripted version of sex that you’ve been consuming. So what happens when you start looking at different kinds of bodies that are capable of different types of things? What happens if you set time aside on a regular basis for weeks or even months to just touch and appreciate, and savor and explore your boyfriend’s body without it having to be about the sexual performance? How can you start to fall in love with and appreciate the glorious notice that is his skin and his curves, and his edges and his stubble, and his softness? That will help take some of the pressure off of you to have a body that performs. Also, what about sex without a penis? What about sex without the need to orgasm?
There are so many people out there who have so many different kinds of sexual experiences and they’re all just as valid. But of course, when we watch porn and when we grow up in the culture that we grow up in, we think sex has to be this very specific thing. Where are the toys? Do you have butt plugs or Njoy wands? Do you have masturbation strokers? Do you have vibrators that feel great for penises that the two of you can use and play with? It can take so much pressure off of you. You don’t have to have a raging hard cock in order to dole out massive amounts of pleasure. There is nothing weird or wrong with someone who has a penis using a strap-on. If your erection just isn’t happening that day, why not pull out the harness, grab the cock that your boyfriend most wants to have, and then fuck him with that cock that he chose and give him all of this incredible pleasure. It’s still you doing the sex, it’s still you giving the pleasure. Whether or not it’s your penis is so much less important than we tend to think it is.
Dawn Serra: I also wonder, what would happen if the two of you watched porn together? What if it was a connective activity rather than something that you had a lot of shame and fear around? I think one of the things that’s so important about everything you’re going through is knowing that sometimes it just takes time for us to develop new habits. When I first masturbated with my hand, which was well into my 20s, it took a long time for me to kind of figure out, “Oh, this is how it feels. Oh, it’s softer.” It’s slower. There’s a longer build up. I have to be here for a while. Then my body starts saying, “Yeah, this is good.” It was totally different because I had spent, god, well over a decade only ever masturbating with a vibrator. So, it’s a similar thing. It’s going to take some time to develop new neural pathways to pleasure, new experiences of your body and these real life situations; where of course, we feel awkward and weird, and we don’t have any guarantees about what our body can do or what our partner is feeling. That’s a lot of feelings that we have to develop practice and resilience around that we never have to deal with porn.
I also want to offer that the Pleasure Mechanics, they do have some resources about learning how to masturbate in a way that decouples that experience from porn. They did offer a little bonus material around that for my porn workshop. So if you want to check out my porn workshop which is online and on-demand called Hands Down. It talks all about finding ethical and feminist porn. There is some wonderful ethical porn makers out there that make gay and queer stuff, if you want to check that out. But the Pleasure Mechanics included a bonus that was all about moving away from that porn-induced masturbation to a more embodied and slow version of masturbation. You might also just want to reach out to them. Their website has resources, their podcast. Because this is a space where they’ve done a lot of work. I want you to know, there’s nothing wrong with you.
Dawn Serra: Your body isn’t broken. Your body’s doing exactly what it needs to do, because that’s just where it is right now. And now you get to decide if you want to approach it from a place of curiosity, and involving your boyfriend in that process by asking interesting questions and having lots of experiments for different types of sex; or if it’s a place that’s going to feel different connected and where you’re going to let the shame take up a lot of space. Either way, you get to decide what feels best for you. But just know, there’s a lot of opportunities ahead of you and changing your relationship to porn to be one that is fun and inspiring, and offers connection is absolutely possible.
Thank you so much for listening, Christian. Congratulations on coming out and having your boyfriend who sounds very patient and wonderful. I hope that you find new ways to engage with each other that takes some of that pressure off of your body and your experience needing to be a very specific thing.
Dawn Serra: Whoo. All right. We’ve got two more listener questions. Both are kind of massive. So, I hope you’re ready to go deep with me, because there’s some big emotions in these next two emails. So let’s see where we end up. The first one is from Dega Glitter, and the subject line is “Am I normal? Terrified Virgin.”
“Hi, Dawn. I love your show. I’ve been listening a few months now and you’re so honest and real with your advice. It’s refreshing. I’m a 34 year old, straight female virgin who is terrified of sex. I’ll back up a little. I’ve always been shy. I was bullied from a young age at school, didn’t have friends. When I was maybe seven or eight, I had my first kiss from an older boy, he was like 13. It was horrible. Fast forward to age 20. I got to talking to a much older man. He was 52, who was a regular customer where I worked. We ended up being friends. He had an ex. He was never married and has two children who are only a few years younger than me. We became involved. Our relationship was a secret. I was his “carer” to the outside world.”
Dawn Serra: “Anyway, long story short, I was terrified of everything we did. Pretty much the first day he made me lie naked in his bed and I was shaking so much, I couldn’t even look at him. He went down on me and it was uncomfortable and I didn’t come. But I pretended that I did. After that, he took control of my life from what I wore, to who I spoke, to finances, everything. Sexually, we kissed. He’d go down on me. I try and give him blow jobs, but he had medical issues. So, it was a chore and something I would try for a long time – 20 minutes plus and he just wouldn’t come. He’d have to hold a stomach out of my way, or I’d be holding it up with my head, very undignified as you can imagine. I hated it, but did it to please him. He used toys on me. I felt cold to his touch. I faked coming so that would be over with quickly. I couldn’t tell him what I wanted or liked. I couldn’t even look at him. I’d spend hours crying because of how he treated me. But never found the strength to walk away because I was stupid. We never had sex. He told me when he lost weight we would, but that never happened.”
“He passed away a few years after we got together. I’ve got incredibly low self-esteem, low self-confidence. I hate how I look. I fell over when I was little and broke part of one of my front teeth and they put a piece back on but it’s noticeable. Well, to me it is. My teeth are wonky. You can imagine how my daily life is: not smiling or talking much. I’m not your typical woman. I don’t do makeup. I don’t wear skirts and dresses. He made me wear skirts and I hated it. And then he’d get angry and make me change if I wore jeans. I’m not girly. I don’t go out except for work, shopping – the necessary stuff.”
Dawn Serra: “I do, however, like to watch porn and read about sex. I avidly read adult erotica. I do now and then touch myself but it’s not straightforward and that I live at home with my parents. So I do it in the bath or at night in bed. But I tend to get to that point of orgasm and it feels really good for a few seconds, and then I feel incredibly guilty and disgusted with myself because I know I’m never going to have sex. I’ve had frequent urine infections over the past couple of years and I don’t know why. Doctors can’t find anything seriously wrong with me. But my main symptoms are generally feeling lousy. It’s not that bad all the time, but there’s always something.
At home, my parents regularly argue. I work part time. I try to stay positive, but I spend hours in front of my computer. I found an outlet on social media to follow a hobby of mine, which does make me happy. It’s what I look forward to. I struggle to get out of bed every morning knowing each day is the same. I’m sorry, this message is all over the place. But I’ve been meaning to email you for a while wondering if I’m normal. I just need someone to tell me I’m normal.”
Dawn Serra: Well, Dega Glitter, here’s what I want to tell you. First and foremost, you are normal. You are not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your story is complicated. Your story is filled with abuse. There’s probably trauma. you’ve struggled, certainly, and you are not alone in that. So many of us have a variety of experiences with self-esteem, with how we feel about our bodies, with being in terrible relationships that are abusive and manipulative. Often because we either don’t know better or because we don’t know we deserve better. So that’s not something you’re alone in. I also want you to know that being a virgin, whatever that means, is not unusual at all for people in their 20s, 30s, even into their 40s. I also think it’s interesting because it’s clear that you’ve had sexual experiences with this partner of yours that you had for a while. You were sexual, you were engaging in sex. It might not have been intercourse, but hands, mouth, toys – that’s all sex. In fact, for a lot of people, that’s their primary way of having sex. So I would invite you to challenge your story about being a virgin. It sounds like you’ve had many sexual experiences, maybe not intercourse but absolutely sexual experiences.
It also sounds like they were really really, really disappointing and traumatizing and not fun sexual experiences. I’m really sorry that you had to endure that. That you felt like you had to fake it, that you had to tolerate being in a situation like that. You deserve better. You deserve to be in a space where you feel safe saying what you want, having your body honored, and engage in sexual activity that feels good for you on your terms. So, one of the things I want to point out is there was a piece where you were talking about him having to move his tummy out of the way and how undignified it was. I just want to mention that for folks out there with tummies, I know that that was pretty fat shaming. People who have big tummies or who are fat may need to move them out of the way and that’s not weird or gross or bad. Fat people are sexy, big tummies are sexy, big body parts are sexy. And yeah, sometimes they do have to be moved out of the way. But that doesn’t equal bad sex or shameful sex or degrading sex or undignified sex. It’s just what sex looks like in people who are in bigger bodies.
Dawn Serra: For you specifically, Dega, one of the things I want to offer is, I hope that you have some kind of access to therapy. It sounds like you were in a very abusive situation for a number of years. It also sounds like you’ve got a significant amount of trauma and/or pain around the situation. You deserve to get support around that – someone who can help you find ways towards your voice, your power, the things that you want in life, and taking up that space. Sometimes we need help from third parties from professionals like counselors and therapists or coaches to help us find ways to say our yeses and our nos. But most of all, I think that you need to process everything that you’ve been through, why you stayed, and what it meant to you. Because you’re allowed to take up that space and say, “I don’t want to do this. This doesn’t feel good.” You’re allowed to enter into relationships with people and then when they don’t feel good, leave them. If that sounds terrifying and challenging, then having a really solid sex positive therapist or counselor can go a really, really long way. It sounds to me like you need that support. So whether it’s online therapy or a group therapy program at a local community center that’s a little bit more accessible price-wise, or if you’ve got any kind of supplementary health insurance that might help with mental health services.
Please seek out a therapist, I think that it could offer you lots and lots of support in navigating some of these really big feelings you have. Being in therapy doesn’t mean that you’re not normal or that you’re broken. Lots and lots and lots of us have therapists and are seeing people because it just makes sense to get support. In fact, I have one. I also want to say that we tend to be way more critical of ourselves than other people are. So, the feelings you have about your body and your teeth, and the way that they look – lots of people aren’t going to notice and/or if they notice, it’s just not going to be a very big deal. Lots of people have all kinds of different types of teeth: from missing teeth, to broken teeth, to wonky teeth. Some people might feel like that’s a deal breaker, but who the hell cares? Because for lots of other people, it’s not a deal breaker.
Dawn Serra: I think it’s so important that you mentioned at the end, you’ve found some community around a hobby of yours on social media. Having social relationships that are non-sexual is a critical part of our overall health. It’s part of what nourishes us. It’s part of what makes us feel seen and heard. So my advice to you is to, in addition to seeking out mental health support, seeking out social support. Focus on what brings you joy and delight. Find ways to create relief for yourself and things to look forward to, whether it’s online support groups and friend groups. Or maybe every once in a while, if it’s cost prohibitive, there’s a bajillion free meet-ups available online for people who meet up at parks and coffee shops and things like that. But if you can find a way to incorporate social support, friends, being heard and seen, sharing yourself and witnessing others, it can offer tremendous healing and validation.
Also, what kind of physical touch do you have in your life? Physical touches are a crucial part of our overall well-being as well and so many of us are touched deprived. Touching pets counts, being touched by professionals counts, being touched by friends counts. So if you’re able to find a place that has a sliding scale for massage therapy or any kind of body work, you might want to take advantage of that. If there’s cuddle parties near you, also a fantastic thing to take advantage of, or volunteering at a local animal shelter where you get to touch and play with all kinds of different animals who adore you and kiss you. Nourish yourself in as many ways as you can think, to kind of take this pressure off of the stories you’re telling yourself about virginity and self-worth. Sit down and really think, “What would make me feel supported and safe and nourished?” Then start taking small steps to move in that direction. Because you deserve so much more than the abuse you endured.
Dawn Serra: You deserve so much more than the really dissatisfying and frankly, traumatizing sexual experiences you had. Whether or not you’re a virgin does not matter. Also, based on everything you shared with me, I’m not even sure that I would qualify that as virginity. You’ve had sexual relationships and sexual experiences. And for all kinds of different people, the sexual activity you’ve had is sex. But I think, first and foremost, it has to start with reaching out for that support around your mental health. To realize you don’t have to do it alone, you don’t have to shoulder it alone. You don’t have to sit in these stories and these painful feelings by yourself. There are people out there who would love to support you.
So I hope that you have resources available to you. Of course, there are tons of resources online for online support groups and online therapeutic calls. I hope that you find something that feels like a good fit and you take the time to treat yourself to that kind of care because you do deserve it. I just want to end, once again, by saying you are normal. There are so many people who have had some version of the collection of experiences that you’ve had, and you’re not alone in that. It sounds like it’s been really tough and I hope that you take care of you. Thank you so much for listening and for writing in, and best of luck.
Dawn Serra: There was another big difficult question I was going to field. But, I wanted to end with something a little bit light and a little bit easy. Just to kind of wrap up that last email that was pretty heavy. TS wrote to me, and it says,
“Hi, Dawn. I feel like you’ve mentioned your opinion about the Five Love Languages. But this girl I know is getting married and her mother-in-law gifted her that book. I immediately thought of you when she posted it, and I was wondering your opinion about it. Thanks, TS.”
Dawn Serra: So the Five Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman. As a very high level concept, I think that the five love languages is super helpful. One of the things that it teaches us is the ways that we like to receive love are often the ways that we give love. But when the people around us like receiving love in different ways, then we give it – it can create some disconnects. We can be loving all the ways that we feel are best and putting that out to the people we care about. They might end up not feeling loved if the things that we’re doing don’t align with their ways of receiving love. So it’s this framework that allows us to say, “Oh, I most like receiving love in the form of quality time or gifts or acts of service.” When we can articulate that, then we can get a lot more specific about talking to our partners about what would make us feel most supported and loved.
So if I know that one of my things is quality time and that a person I love, be it a family member or a friend or a partner, loves gifts like my mom – she loves presents. That is one of her primary love languages. For me, gifts aren’t very important. So, I don’t tend to give a lot of gifts as a sign of love because I don’t like to receive a lot of gifts as a sign of love. But knowing that for my mom, gifts are a sign of love, I’m able to then calibrate. When I give gifts to my mom, I know that’s how she receives love and she feels loved. I know that I receive love in different ways. And so I can ask for quality time or quality experiences and then I feel more loved.
Dawn Serra: So from this very high level concept, I think it’s helpful to go take the free quiz at the website to have the language around love languages. In fact, lots of people are expanding it out. I know one person who says their love language is Facebook comments – that they feel most loved in this world when lots of people comment on their Facebook posts. There’s all kinds of variations now out there, too, around like your kink love language. I mean, people have really taken and run with it. But the book itself is very Christian-based. And that doesn’t really align for me and my values. So I just want to warn people, the book itself is heavily based in Christian values and super hetero-normative and cis-centric, of course. So if that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea and that’s not aligned for you, then just taking that free quiz and finding out what are your primary love languages and what are the primary love languages of the people in your life, can be a super useful tool among the many. But, the book I would leave it before I took it, but I hope that your friend enjoys it. If anybody has any thoughts or questions about love languages and ways they’ve used it in the past, you know, I love hearing from you.
That’s it for this week’s show. Be sure to head to dawnserra.com for links to the books that I mentioned. Also, if you have a question or a comment you want to send to me, I love hearing from you. So please write in. I also have another request, if you really enjoy the show, please head to iTunes and leave a review. The more reviews that the show has, the higher it places in the search rankings, which means the more we can get people listening and joining in the conversation. And again Patreon supporters, don’t forget to head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to check out this week’s bonus of an erotica story. I’ll talk to you next week. Bye.