Sex Gets Real 198: Long distance BDSM, porn addiction, & abuse in love

Welcome to this week’s episode of listener questions! And Patreon supporters – this week’s bonus is me reading you a little queer erotica. Go listen now!

First up, Love All of Him sent an update. Find out what happened after they followed my advice and what lead to them
having PIV sex for the first time.

Leo from Scotland wrote in. He’s had digestive issues for a few years and now his butthole is kind of saggy. He feels ashamed and doesn’t know what to say to potential partners. Internalized ableism sucks. The good news is most people have no idea what buttholes look like, so let’s about genital diversity and sharing vulnerable stuff about our bodies.

Soldier0510 is a service member stationed in South Korea with a wife back home in the US. She asks about keeping the heat burning while long distance, especially since they are both new and curious and BDSM dynamics. In addition to loads of recommendations about long distance kink and power dynamics, I also suggest a few books including “The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasies“, “The Ultimate Guide to Kink“, “Playing Well with Others“, and “Radical Ecstasy.”

Christian, a 32 year old gay man who comes from an anti-sex religious background wrote in. After years of hiding his sexuality and using porn as a coping mechanism, he now has a boyfriend but doesn’t know how to enjoy sex with another person. He is having trouble staying hard and wonders if his porn use destroyed his sexuality.

I have a lot of thoughts, including the importance of spending time worshipping your partner without needing to have an
erection, or without needing to focus on orgasm, or sex as the goal. Learn what happens when you slow down.

Dega Glitter is a self-identified 34 straight female virgin who is terrified about sex but avidly reads erotica. She writes in about a complex, secret, problematic relationship with an older man she had in her early twenties and the psychological ripples of that liaison. This is an emotional one and I do my best to tread tenderly. Therapy and professional support are often our best resources when we’re struggling.

TS writes in to asks about Dawn’s opinion on the Five Love Languages book. Do you prefer receiving gifts, quality time, or acts of service? Find out what Dawn’s favorite love languages are and which ones she’d rather not receive anymore.

Don’t forget to join me every Wednesday at 8pm EST/5pm PST on for my free livestream, Pop Culture Undressed. I have so much fun talking all about the messages we learn about love, sex, and romance we learn from pop culture.

I am now pre-enrolling three new on-demand workshops that you can take from the privacy of your own home, entirely online. They are affordable, fun, and will give you an opportunity to learn new things and engage with new ideas, either on your own or with a new partner. Head to to see all of the courses that are available.

Follow Sex Gets Real on Twitter and Facebook. It’s true. Oh! And Dawn is on Instagram.

About Dawn Serra

Meet the host of Sex Gets Real, Dawn Serra - sex educator, sex and relationship coach, podcaster, and more.I am the creator and host of the laughter-filled, no-holds-barred weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real. I lecture at colleges and universities on sex and relationships, too.

When I’m not speaking and teaching, I also work one-on-one with clients who need to get unstuck around their pleasure and desire.

But it’s not all work! In my downtime, I can often be found watching an episode of Masterchef Australia, cooking up something delicious, or adventuring with my sexy AF husband.

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  • Dawn
  • January 28, 2018

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