My porn workshop, Hands Down: A Workshop on How Porn Can Heal, Connect, and Be Ethical, is now streaming. Check out the details at dawnserra.com/porn. Let’s talk about the porn!
Here’s that funny article I was giggling over called, “20 Things Guys Have Actually Said to Me In Bed.”
Now, on to your questions.
Brittany wrote in seeking sexy kink events near her. The best place to go for kink events is Fetlife.com. You’ll want to keep an eye out for munches and conferences. Because Brittany is in Massachusetts, she might also want to check out The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Rhode Island for workshops. Plus, Joellen Notte lists Oh My! Sensuality Shop and Good Vibrations in Massachusetts on her superhero sex shop map. Basically, any feminist sex shop will have classes and workshops that could be a fun way to meet folks.
A listener wrote back with an update. They found a friend to watch them have sex and it’s turned into a fun threesome situation. Yay!
Jen wrote in because apparently there was a shit-show on another sex podcast where the guest did some major body shaming and had some sexist ideas about getting desire back. I love knowing people can turn to Sex Gets Real and Explore More Summit for more inclusive conversations. Ha.
As sex educators and therapists, we have a responsibility to examine our advice and our stories to ensure we aren’t hurting people further. Fatphobia is one of those things we must confront and rewrite as experts.
Nugget wrote in with some words of love.
Nandi is fat and confused and needs help with her changing body. She’s getting bariatric surgery and wonders if there’s a way to find ease in her body without surgery. I have so many thoughts, including the importance of checking out all the talks at exploremoresummit.com because they’re all about this VERY topic.
You never have to love your body. You are allowed to do whatever you need to do to survive. If you want to start diving into resources about fat stigma, self acceptance, fatphobia, and fighting diet culture, the resource page I created (which is growing) is a great place to start.
Your body is NOT the problem. The problem is our culture, our fatphobic doctors, our media consumption.
I highly recommend Hanne Blank’s, “Big, Big Love”, Elle Chase’s, “Curvy Girl Sex”, also “The Intuitive Eating Workbook”, “The Fat Studies Reader”, and all the other books on the resource page mentioned above.
We have to prioritize our needs. We have to prioritize our body. We will always disappoint someone and people will always feel like they have a right to comment on our body or threaten us with “health” concerns. Finding people who can help support us as we exist in our body, as it is, is crucial.
Mastadon is a horny hubby. He and his wife opened their relationship temporarily a few years ago, and even though she doesn’t want to do that again, he can’t stop thinking about it. He wants adventure and new lovers and he feels like she just isn’t adventurous or open to that sort of thing. He doesn’t want to be a cheating piece of shit (his words), but he really wants to have new sexual experiences.
So often these questions are about avoiding discomfort and awkwardness. But that’s just not possible. You have to evaluate what you most value, what you’re most curious about, and then make some tough decisions. You are either committed to your relationship, which means uncomfortable conversations and finding ways to feel expressive and creative inside of it. Or, if your pleasure is more important, then transitioning out of the marriage might be the discomfort you need to move into.
Our partners may be open to changing things, but we cannot force them or manipulate them into it. Getting a sex coach or a sex therapist can be a good place to start, just to help the conversations to be more open and vulnerable.
Honesty and integrity are not about comfort. They take practice and moving into uncomfortable spaces. But the payoff can be tremendous when we do that.
Miss Lou is a BBW who has been asked to sit on a partner’s face. What should they do? How should they do? How do you get on someone’s face without it be awkward? Let’s talk about fat face sitting!
Sometimes we just have to climb on and wiggle around, try pillows in a variety of positions, and find what works in the moment. Awkward can be fun when you’re both excited and open about the fact that it’s awkward. It’s sex! So, get on, bounce around, and see what works. Then, do more of that.
Hoodie sex? Nick wants to know if it’s weird that he wants to have sex with his girlfriend while she wears his hoodies. Is that weird?
Nope. Because if it’s consensual and you’re both having fun, then who cares? Sex itself is weird. Enjoy it!
Oh! Check out O.School. I’m a pleasure professional on their site and I’ll be live streaming sex ed every week starting later this month (December 2017).
About Dawn Serra
I am the creator and host of the laughter-filled, no-holds-barred weekly podcast, Sex Gets Real. I lecture at colleges and universities on sex and relationships, too.
When I’m not speaking and teaching, I also work one-on-one with clients who need to get unstuck around their pleasure and desire.
But it’s not all work! In my downtime, I can often be found watching an episode of Masterchef Australia, cooking up something delicious, or adventuring with my sexy AF husband.
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