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Here’s that funny article I was giggling over called, “20 Things Guys Have Actually Said to Me In Bed.”
Now, on to your questions.
Brittany wrote in seeking sexy kink events near her. The best place to go for kink events is Fetlife.com. You’ll want to keep an eye out for munches and conferences. Because Brittany is in Massachusetts, she might also want to check out The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health in Rhode Island for workshops. Plus, Joellen Notte lists Oh My! Sensuality Shop and Good Vibrations in Massachusetts on her superhero sex shop map. Basically, any feminist sex shop will have classes and workshops that could be a fun way to meet folks.
A listener wrote back with an update. They found a friend to watch them have sex and it’s turned into a fun threesome situation. Yay!
Jen wrote in because apparently there was a shit-show on another sex podcast where the guest did some major body shaming and had some sexist ideas about getting desire back. I love knowing people can turn to Sex Gets Real and Explore More Summit for more inclusive conversations. Ha.
As sex educators and therapists, we have a responsibility to examine our advice and our stories to ensure we aren’t hurting people further. Fatphobia is one of those things we must confront and rewrite as experts.
Nugget wrote in with some words of love.
Nandi is fat and confused and needs help with her changing body. She’s getting bariatric surgery and wonders if there’s a way to find ease in her body without surgery. I have so many thoughts, including the importance of checking out all the talks at exploremoresummit.com because they’re all about this VERY topic.
You never have to love your body. You are allowed to do whatever you need to do to survive. If you want to start diving into resources about fat stigma, self acceptance, fatphobia, and fighting diet culture, the resource page I created (which is growing) is a great place to start.
Your body is NOT the problem. The problem is our culture, our fatphobic doctors, our media consumption.
I highly recommend Hanne Blank’s, “Big, Big Love”, Elle Chase’s, “Curvy Girl Sex”, also “The Intuitive Eating Workbook”, “The Fat Studies Reader”, and all the other books on the resource page mentioned above.
We have to prioritize our needs. We have to prioritize our body. We will always disappoint someone and people will always feel like they have a right to comment on our body or threaten us with “health” concerns. Finding people who can help support us as we exist in our body, as it is, is crucial.
Mastadon is a horny hubby. He and his wife opened their relationship temporarily a few years ago, and even though she doesn’t want to do that again, he can’t stop thinking about it. He wants adventure and new lovers and he feels like she just isn’t adventurous or open to that sort of thing. He doesn’t want to be a cheating piece of shit (his words), but he really wants to have new sexual experiences.
So often these questions are about avoiding discomfort and awkwardness. But that’s just not possible. You have to evaluate what you most value, what you’re most curious about, and then make some tough decisions. You are either committed to your relationship, which means uncomfortable conversations and finding ways to feel expressive and creative inside of it. Or, if your pleasure is more important, then transitioning out of the marriage might be the discomfort you need to move into.
Our partners may be open to changing things, but we cannot force them or manipulate them into it. Getting a sex coach or a sex therapist can be a good place to start, just to help the conversations to be more open and vulnerable.
Honesty and integrity are not about comfort. They take practice and moving into uncomfortable spaces. But the payoff can be tremendous when we do that.
Miss Lou is a BBW who has been asked to sit on a partner’s face. What should they do? How should they do? How do you get on someone’s face without it be awkward? Let’s talk about fat face sitting!
Sometimes we just have to climb on and wiggle around, try pillows in a variety of positions, and find what works in the moment. Awkward can be fun when you’re both excited and open about the fact that it’s awkward. It’s sex! So, get on, bounce around, and see what works. Then, do more of that.
Hoodie sex? Nick wants to know if it’s weird that he wants to have sex with his girlfriend while she wears his hoodies. Is that weird?
Nope. Because if it’s consensual and you’re both having fun, then who cares? Sex itself is weird. Enjoy it!
Follow Dawn on Instagram.
About Dawn Serra
Dawn Serra is a therapeutic Body Trust coach and pleasure advocate. As a white, cis, middle class, queer, fat, survivor, Dawn’s work is a fiercely compassionate invitation for each of us to deepen our relationships with our bodies and our pleasure as an antidote to the trauma, disconnection, and isolation so many of us feel. Your pleasure matters. Your body is wise. Dawn’s work is all about creating spaces and places for you to explore what that means on your terms. To learn more, visit dawnserra.com or follow Dawn on Instagram.
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Episode Transcript
Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!
Hey, you. Welcome to this week’s episode. It’s just going to be me and you and all of your questions. This episode is coming out a couple of hours late because I have been running around working 16-18 hours a day for the past week for the Explore More Bodies Summit and I crashed. I treated myself to many hours of sleep and decided to just put this episode out a few hours late so that I could take care of me. I am feeling rested and rejuvenated and ready to be here with you.
Dawn Serra: So, I just want to remind everybody who’s listening, my porn workshop Hands Down is all about how porn can heal and connect and be ethical. It’s streaming online now. It’s $24. You get a 45-minute video with me all about porn, and then a workbook full of questions that you can either use on your own or with a partner, to start having really interesting and new conversations about porn. Plus, a resource list on how to learn more about ethical porn, where to find it, who’s creating it – all the porn stars and creators that I follow online. There’s a 15-minute shame video all about how we can get better at naming and navigating our feelings of shame. Then, the Pleasure Mechanics offer this really fun little bonus that’s all about how to do embodied masturbation, since a lot of people tend to check out or numb out when they’re masturbating to porn. This is about how can we actually slow down and savor it. So I hope you’ll check that out. There’s a link in the show notes.
I have this amazing article that I came across. It’s called “20 Things Guys Have Actually Said to Me in Bed.” I will, of course, link to it. It’s this list of the terrible, terrible shit that people think and say when it comes to sex, because we’re just all so poorly educated – not only in sex, but also in how to treat other human beings and how to have conversations about the things that we want, and stereotypes, and it had me rolling.
Dawn Serra: So I’m going to read a couple of them and if you want to read the rest, you can head to the link in the show notes. So one of them is, “I once asked a guy if he would go down on me and he told me, ‘If that’s what you want, you should just fuck a girl.’” “In high school, I was on a date with a guy at Pizza Hut. I was holding my plastic glass of Pepsi with one hand, playing with the condensation on the outside of the cup. My date said, ‘I know what you’re doing.’ I made a quizzical face. He responded, ‘You’re simulating a hand job.’” Here’s another one that I love. “One dude told me not to wear black bras. He said boys only like bright colors. And then he demanded that I go lingerie shopping.” On that note, a dude also once told me not to wear panties with polka dots on them, “Because I feel like I’m fucking a five year old.”
So apparently, commenting on other people’s lingerie and underwear is a thing. Don’t do that. To further this trend of dudes telling me what kind of underwear to wear. One guy actually told me never to wear the same bra or panties twice. That every time we fucked, I had to be wearing something different. One time, a dude told me he couldn’t find my clitoris. A guy once woke me up by poking his erect penis against my leg I seriously hate when men do this. Despite my not reciprocating the interest, he climbed on top of me and started taking his boxers off. “I’m not ready.” I explained. annoyed. He said, “What do you want me to do? Kiss you?” It’s so terrible. These could be scripts from a movie – a Amy Schumer movie or something. It’s cracking me up. And my favorite – this is by far my favorite, “One time a dude told me with each thrust, how many babies he was giving me. ‘1 million,’ he moaned, ‘2 million.’ I’m not sure he understood the difference between sperm and babies or intercourse and ejaculation for that matter.” That is the state of sex education in our culture, people.
Dawn Serra: There are 21 of these gems. They are all terrible and sexist, misogynistic, and of course, gender essentialist. She assumes that if you have a penis then your guy. But, it was cracking me up, I had tears in my eyes. So, I will absolutely link to that if you want a little chuckle. Now we will dive into your questions. Brittany wrote in with a subject line of “Seeking Sexy Events.”
“Hey, Dawn. Thank you so much for opening me up to so many possibilities and for helping me to be comfortable in my own sexuality. I would love to become more involved in the kink community. I want to go to events, expos, classes, panels – all of it. Is there a good online resource where I could find sexy and educational events in my area? I live in Massachusetts. Much love. Brittany.”
Dawn Serra: Thank you for writing in, Brittany. I get questions all the time from people trying to find events in their area. So right now, probably the most extensive online resource for finding events is going to be Fetlife. If you go to Fetlife, there’s lots of amazing things about Fetlife and just as many problematic things. It’s not the best design site and there are swarms and swarms of gross folks who are shitty and abusive. But, there are also amazing people creating amazing community and listing their events there. I learned so much about what kink could be and what it is to other people, and just how different and incredible it can be. So fetlife.com is definitely a place to start. They have thousands of events all around the country and around the world listed there.
You might also want to check out The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health. It’s in Rhode Island. But they often get involved in events that are in the whole North East area. They do all kinds of classes and trainings and workshops, so that’s probably worth checking out. I would also look to see if there’s any sex positive or feminist toy shops in the Boston area or the area the Metropolitan that’s closest to to you – depending on where in Massachusetts you are. I don’t know if “Oh, My” sensuality shop in North Hampton is still open. But, you might want to check that out. JoEllen Notte has it on her list of her superhero sex shops – so “Oh, My” sensuality shop. Then, Good Vibrations that is in Brookline might also be a place to check out. The feminist sex positive stores often have workshops sometimes that are free, held by local kinksters. So that can be a really great way to see demos and meet people who are in your community. I would also take a look and see if you can find any munches in your area. Again, that’s going to be on Fetlife. You can also check Facebook and just see if there’s any kinky communities. If you put in “nearest major city,”and search for something and see if maybe there’s some groups hiding on Facebook.
Dawn Serra: The hardest part is usually finding community and getting started with who are the groups, when do they meet, where are the places. Then once you find that, you can start networking and finding other events that are going on – both private events and the bigger events. So I hope that gives you, at least, a jumping off point and to anybody else who’s listening, wondering the same. Start with Fetlife and then check to see if there’s any feminist and sex positive shops near you. I know the shops that were in the Washington DC area, constantly had free and/or $5-$10 little events where you could come and see rope work or flogging or whipping. So definitely start there. Have fun, Brittany and good luck.
So a couple of weeks ago, I fielded a question from a listener who was asking how they can find someone to watch them. Her and her boyfriend really wanted to have someone come and watch them have sex. I offered some thoughts from talking to people who know, to placing an ad on Craigslist. I actually got a report back and it said, “You answered my question about being watched a month ago. First, I love your show. I listen every week and also went back and I’m listening to all of the older episodes. Second, thank you for answering. My boyfriend and I loved your advice. We didn’t post any ads online because we’re in a very rural area and I’m a school teacher. I didn’t really want any pictures online.”
Dawn Serra: “We did, however, ask a close girl friend of ours who is very sex positive out to dinner with us and we told her what we were looking for. She ended up coming home with us that night. We had a blast. She started off just watching and then we decided to invite her into the bed with us. We both fingered her and my boyfriend ate her out and choked us both. We’ve invited her over a couple more times, and we are all enjoying it. My boyfriend loves when she comes over, because it makes me squirt way more than usual.”
So thank you so much for the update. I’m so glad that you gathered the courage to talk to someone and to invite them in and it ended up being amazing. That’s the best that all of us can hope for in a situation like that. So thank you.
Dawn Serra: I got this really funny, funny email from someone named Jen that just said, “Thanks for the palate cleanser.” I’m going to redact a few names from this just because I am friends with one of the people mentioned and I want to respect them but the email says,
“Earlier this evening, I listened to [redacted’s] podcast where she interviewed [redacted] talking about sexless marriages. The person being interviewed talked a lot about losing desire for sex because you’ve lost desire for your partner. She basically blamed it on one partner gaining weight and aging, then said that those partners suffered from a bad body image because they were overweight and aging. Her advice to overcoming a sexless marriage where one partner has a “bad body image” was to go dye your hair, lose some weight, get Botox and wear makeup.”
Dawn Serra: “So let me get that straight. The sex therapist is saying that your partner is fat and old, and their sex organs don’t work like they used to, so of course, you don’t want to have sex with them. They must be fixed. What the fuck? I have to say [redacted], the host, tried really hard to interject some reason into this train wreck of an interview. But the guest full-out disagreed and repeated her message: ‘Fix your self-worth by losing weight, dyeing your hair, putting on some makeup.’ I think I threw up a little bit at that point. So I just want to say, a big thank you for your Explore More Summit Bodies Edition. Listening to your interviews helped me cleanse my palate from the horrible taste of that so-called “sexpert” that she left in my mouth. Keep on fighting the good fight.”
Thank you so much, Jen. I totally agree. I think there’s a lot of folks out there who need to confront some of the stories they hold about who is valuable, what’s valuable, what we want, what we don’t want. Because I think oftentimes, when we’re in that “expert category,” because I can’t ever be an expert on you, and you can’t ever be an expert on me. So it’s kind of a loose title. But, I think so many experts need to really examine the stories that they are sharing with the world. Because often the stories we share come from really problematic painful places, and we don’t even realize it. So I think part of our responsibility as sex educators, therapists, counselors, is to constantly be looking at what are the stories that we have bought into and who might that be harming? Who is it holding back? Who is it oppressing? What do we need to confront in ourselves? I think people who don’t do that work, sometimes end up offering advice that is even more isolating and shaming – we just heard that on Dan Savage’s show a few weeks ago with Buck Angel.
Dawn Serra: When you haven’t confronted some of your super trans-misogynistic stories, then you end up giving advice that really really hurts folks. So thank you so much for writing in, Jen. I had such a wonderful time doing the Bodies Edition and just talking all about body politics, and diets, and weight stigma. It’s something I can’t wait for us to get rid of. On to the next question.
I got this really wonderful email. It literally is four words with four exclamation points. It’s from Nugget. I suspect because the email itself is just a little nugget and it just says, “I love your show!!!!” Thank you, Nugget, that made me giggle so much when it came in.
Dawn Serra: Nandi wrote in with a subject line of “Fat and Confused,” and it says,
“Hi, Dawn. I’ve been listening to your podcast for a few months now on Spotify, and I love the fact that you talk about a vast variety of important topics. I haven’t heard some of your beginning podcasts. I started on a subject I was interested in and then just kept moving forward. You are the first person I have ever heard talk about fatphobia. I have PCOS and a rare hormone imbalance that has caused me to gain weight – even with dieting and exercise. Over the past two years, I fell ill with a number of problems. One thing my doctors kept saying was that I was morbidly obese. I always prided myself on not looking exactly how much I actually weigh according to the numbers on the scale.”
Dawn Serra: “I get that they’re doctors and it’s their job to make sure I’m healthy. About four months ago, I started to feel ashamed of the way I looked. I don’t want to go out for fear of the way people would look at me. My boyfriend is very fit and comments have been made comparing me to him, that I’m much bigger than him. It’s very stressful to hear. I thought I could be all, “Feminist power,” “Love your body,” “Fuck the haters,” but due to the way my brain is set up, it’s just not possible. My family and friends all say I’m beautiful and have a great personality. But why can’t I associate being fat as beautiful? I’m now having bariatric surgery in a few weeks. It’s the most beneficial thing for me, especially with my other health issues. But why do I feel like a failure because I couldn’t love myself at the weight and shape I’m at now? I’ve survived many things and I’ve been able to overcome a lot. But this is something I can’t seem to shake. I didn’t intend to write so much but the words kept coming out. There’s so much more I want to write. Do you have any advice or books or anything to help me love me for who I am at any weight and shape? Thanks.”
Oh, Nandi. Yes, so I did write back to Nandi immediately and suggested that she watched the Explore More Summit. So to everybody who didn’t get a chance to watch it, there is a resources page that I will link to for this episode. If you go to exploremoresummit.com/resources. That page is full of Instagramers and folks on Twitter, and experts, and so many books, and a bajillion random articles that are all in this exact space. Because the entire world around us is designed to make us hate ourselves. Everything around us is designed to make us feel like, if we aren’t trying to ourselves or get better, or change ourselves in some way, whether it’s to lose 5 pounds or 500 pounds, or to tone that body part or to bleach our teeth or to shave our legs and laser off the hair, then there’s something wrong with us. The truth is, there’s something wrong with the world and with our culture and that’s what that entire summit was about.
Dawn Serra: So the first thing I want to offer is, it can be really, really hard to start changing these conversations, especially when we have doctors that have not committed to Health at Every Size approaches. So one of the things I would recommend is go to the Health at Every Size website and see if there’s a doctor in your area who has committed to that approach. It is well-researched, and has lots and lots and lots of studies behind it. Linda Bacon, who was one of the first folks to start Health at Every Size dialogue has endless papers and books about the approach. But basically, more and more doctors are starting to opt in. Because when you have a $66 billion a year industry that is dieting, and 95% of people fail at it long term, the problem is not you.
Now, the amazing thing is the diet industry uses messages that say, “When you succeed, it’s us. When you fail, it’s you.” But we’ve all bought into it, because of the magazines and the TV shows. Because unfortunately, so many doctors and nurses are deeply entrenched in fatphobia, and believing that if we just make fat folks look like thin folks, then they’d magically be healthy. We know that’s not true when we really sit down and think about it, but that doesn’t change the messages. So I would definitely look for a Health at Every Size doctor in your area who can help you find ways to feel good and to nourish yourself and to focus on your overall wellness, including your mental health. It can’t just be about your physical body. Because if you change your physical body and you haven’t addressed the mental stuff, you will feel just as disconnected and disappointed as you did before. So someone who can take that holistic approach could be a life changing experience for you.
Dawn Serra: I also want to offer that if you start filling your social media feeds, and I mean, flooding them, with people who do anti-diet culture, work, who are in fat bodies, who are models and activists in a variety of bodies and shapes and sizes, including disability activists, it really starts to shift the way you experience your body. So my Instagram and my Twitter feed and my Facebook, at this point, are full of people who do this work and who show their bodies off – even on days when they don’t feel happy in their body and that can be a revelation. It can be shocking actually to then go back out and look at mainstream media and realize just how narrow and, I don’t know, uninteresting it all is. So fill your social media feed with people who are in a variety of bodies. There are so many books available, definitely go to exploremoresummit.com/resources.
Intuitive eating book is a wonderful book that’s an alternative to dieting. There are books about sex for fat bodies like Hanne Blank’s, “Big Big Love” and “Curvy Girl Sex” by Elle Chase. Of course, Virgie Tovar has a book and Jess Baker “10 Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls” or fat chicks – I can’t remember. That one’s fantastic. I think the most important thing to remember is loving your body should never be the goal. Now if you love your body, that’s fantastic. If you love your body most of the time, that’s also fantastic. But I think there’s so much more power and focusing on body neutrality. How can we just have a totally neutral experience with our bodies? How can we cultivate relationships where we are just simply coexisting with them in a really respectful way, where we know how to listen to our body, where we know how to nourish it in the ways that it most needs? Whether that’s food or water, or movement or joy and laughter, and mental health, nourishment.
Dawn Serra: Body neutrality – where we’re not trying to force ourselves into someone else’s mold and that includes love. So much of body positivity at this point has been, “Love your body,” “Love yourself,” but that’s someone telling you how to feel about your body. No matter what your body looks like, you’re going to have days where you’re kind of “meh” about it or you’re angry at it, because it’s hurting or it’s feeling stiff, or maybe because it’s changed in some way. We need to allow space for all of those ups and downs.
The one thing I want to say is no matter what your body looks like, no matter what size it is, no matter what the ability is, no matter how it’s changed – it’s never wrong. Your body is always working its very hardest on your behalf, always. When we really start to think about that, when we really start to think about the fact that no matter what we do to our body, it always tries its hardest. It always shows up 100% for us, it’s doing the best that it can all the time, based on what we choose to give it or deny it. I think that can create some kind of awe and some wonder of, “If my body’s always trying its hardest based on what I give it, what if I started listening to my body a little more and really gave it what it was asking for and craving. Maybe that would really create a new experience.”
Dawn Serra: We’re also allowed to do whatever we need to to survive in this world. And while I think bariatric surgery is something I would not choose for myself, at least at this point, I have a right to change my mind and you have a right to do whatever you need to do to survive. It comes with risks. There’s lots of people in the fat activist community who have really big feelings about the risks associated with that. One of the things that Reagan Chastain likes to talk about is that some people choose bariatric surgery to help with things like high cholesterol or high blood pressure, diabetes. You can manage high cholesterol and diabetes with a variety of treatments for many, many, many years. And that surgery can be very costly to people.
The bottom line is you get to decide what you want to do with your body, no matter what. So whether that’s bariatric surgery, or some other kind of surgery, or it’s some kind of – it doesn’t matter. I mean, it’s your body. You get to do whatever you want with it. Are there people that you can work with that would help you ease the mental burden and the fears and the anxiety? Because sometimes rewriting those stories is exactly the thing that our body most needs. It’s complicated and it’s messy, and the world is hard and cruel and awful. I think one of the biggest betrayals that happens in our world is when our medical teams prioritize their ideas about what our bodies should look like over our own and push us to do things that aren’t always the best thing for our body.
Dawn Serra: So take some time and just sit with it and see what would really serve you. If it’s bariatric surgery, then you get to make that choice. If you have doubts or questions or fears, you get to decide, “Maybe this isn’t the time for me and I want to try some other things first.” That’s also super valid. People might get angry at you, they might feel disappointed. There’s all kinds of things that might come up. But you need to prioritize you.
I think the other thing I want to mention is, there’s always going to be bad days. There’s always going to be changes that happen. Our bodies, as we age, do all kinds of things. Our bodies as we acquire different kinds of disabilities and illnesses do all kinds of things. It can be really disappointing and it can lead us to feel really angry and disconnected and depressed and that’s all so valid. Finding people who can help support you through that, like a really good therapist or counselor can be such a powerful way to help move through some of that and heal some of that. But, the bottom line is your only job is to survive and to do it in a way that feels as good as possible for you. I hope that was helpful. There’s so much I want to say on the subject, but I also don’t want to make this entire episode into me soapboxing about this. So please check out the resources. Please take care of you in whatever way possible and whatever you need to do and know that no matter what choice you make, people are going to be angry at you. No matter what choice you make, people are going to have opinions about it. Whether you get the bariatric surgery or you don’t, there are going to be people who have big feelings about both decisions. So this decision cannot be about them. It cannot be about making other people happy. It cannot be about making your doctors happy. It cannot be about wanting to have a different body just for the sake of others, because there will always be people who have shitty things to say about the decisions that you make or don’t make. So this has to fundamentally be for you. Good luck. Thank you so much for writing in, Nandi, and please take care of you.
Dawn Serra: So Mastodon wrote in with a subject line of “Horny Hubby.”
“Hi, Dawn. Big fan since the beginning. I’m a cis hetero male in my late ‘30s. I’ve been with my wife for over 10 years. We have a great partnership and a lovely child. I’m afraid that a few years ago a monster was released in our relationship. For several months, we were sleeping with a good friend. It was fun but ended badly. We’ve learned from our mistakes and definitely would have done things differently. After that, we dabbled in opening up the relationship but in the end, my wife didn’t want that to continue. The problem is I want more extracurricular activity. I never really did until the sex with our friend. Compounding the problem is that my wife isn’t that adventurous in bed. We have fun together but she just basically wants PIV – missionary 99% of the time. She gets off quickly and therefore so do I. I guess we’re the opposite of the cliche – as the man, I want more teasing and play.”
“I’ve made several overtures, suggested games and buying toys, but she’s just not interested. Since our threesome experience, I really want variety and adventure. I’ve gone to strip clubs a couple of times just to get some contact with a variety of women. It’s a good thing I don’t have a ton of money or time, because otherwise I’d be there a lot. I’ve considered hiring a sex worker but I’m conflicted. I don’t want to be a cheating piece of shit. But part of me thinks that life is short and I should try to have some experiences. I’ve only had about four partners and I want to scratch this itch. Help.”
Dawn Serra: Thank you for writing in, Mastodon. I know you are not alone. My inbox tells me so in this both, folks who are masculine and folks who are feminine, struggling with the exact same thing. Here’s the rub, you can want all the things in the world but if you and your wife have an agreement for a certain type of relationship, then the only way to ethically move forward from here is to renegotiate that with her. There’s a lot of things that can happen from that. Basically, everything that you’re sharing with me, what I’m hearing is a fear of actually having some really hard conversations. You have to make some decisions like, how important is your marriage to you? Start there. Is this something that you really do you want and you want to be committed to and you want to prioritize? Is it something that used to be really important to you but feels less important now? Maybe it’s become a different type of relationship for you. Maybe now it feels more platonic than sexual.
Really sit down and think about what your marriage means to you. Then once you have a really clear idea on what it means to you, I think you can start making some decisions about how you want to move forward. Because ultimately, the only way to not be a cheating piece of shit, as you said, is to actually articulate what it is that you want: your concerns, your fears, to open the dialogue, and to have new conversations. This could be a fantastic place to get a sex therapist or a sex coach who is sex positive, to help mediate and explore some of these things for the two of you. But ultimately, you’re going to have to engage conversation with your wife. Maybe start by getting really curious about her experience, because I’m hearing lots about what you’re looking for and also stories you’re telling yourself about her experience. But how much have you actually gotten curious about her experience? What is sex like for her? What is sex mean to her? What does sex mean to the relationship for her from her perspective? What’s been her most pleasurable sexual experience? What are her sexual fantasies? Does she ever masturbate? When she does, what does she think about? What would make the most incredible sexual pleasure for her? Start there.
Dawn Serra: It might surprise you some of the things that she’s interested in or some of the things she’s scared of. Is there something that she’s always been interested in or curious about and never had the courage to ask or bring up? I think if you can start with some curiosity about her experience, and what’s happening for her, and why she likes certain things – you don’t want it to be an inquisition. You don’t want it to be like you’re forcing her to tell you these things. It has to be a thing that you practice and cultivate over time, where it becomes clear that you being curious about her is from a place of genuine curiosity and vulnerability and not because you’re trying to manipulate her into something. I think that can be a really powerful place that helps us to rewrite our stories because it’s clear you have a very specific story in your head about her. Maybe it’s because you’ve already had these conversations and that just didn’t get communicated.
I mean, I know you’ve said that you’ve tried suggesting games and buying toys. But have you actually said, “I would really like us to try having different conversations. I’m really curious about what all these things mean to you, because I’ve been thinking about them for myself. And I’m happy to share some things with you too.” You have to be willing to be very vulnerable and to be the one who’s courageous and goes first, and shares these things. The bottom line is, if you cheat, then you are making a decision to prioritize your needs ahead of your relationship. If you make that decision, then the likelihood that if your wife finds out, something catastrophic would happen to your relationship is very high.
Dawn Serra: Also, I think that there’s so much to be said, for being able to express yourself and share your stories and share your desires. Just because we desire something doesn’t mean we’re going to die if it doesn’t get met. I think that’s another story we have in our culture of – sometimes we really want to try this new thing and maybe our partner doesn’t agree. Maybe they’re not into it. We can use that as a way to fuel our fantasies and have really hot solo sex. If this ultimately feels like something that’s really important to you and your life story, then you have to be willing to have those conversations because let me tell you, if you start cheating on your wife, the person that you’re cheating with, it’s really not fair to them either. You’re certainly not going to find someone who’s interested in ethical non-monogamy, who’s willing to partner with you.
So I think you really have to take a step back and decide how important is sex to you in the grand scheme of things. This wanting that you have is valid and important and there’s nothing wrong with you for having it. We also get to make choices about how to deal with those feelings and those desires. It might be really uncomfortable to have them and not follow through on them, but it’s not going to kill you. There’s other uncomfortable feelings that we all survive: grief and sadness and rage and all kinds of things. But because we don’t have a lot of sexual literacy in our culture, we’re never really told that, right? We have these urges and we’re animals and so we have to follow through on them. That’s not at all how it is. Decide how important your marriage is, get some third party help, and start approaching conversations from a really new curious place. Let her know you really want to know about her experience and how she’s feeling about the relationship. It might be really awkward at first and she might not be willing to talk because it feels loaded.
Dawn Serra: Certainly, if you’re coming at it with expectations, she’s going to pick up on that. So it has to genuinely be because you really want to know her story. Because it would be fascinating to find out the things that she’s thought over the years, why she loves PIV so much? What feels so good about missionary? Whether or not maybe she’s tried other things at some point and why she didn’t enjoy those things? Genuine curiosity. Because I think if you can start having better conversations, about your experiences and her experiences and your experiences together, that’ll help create a stronger foundation for then being able to express some of the things that you’re feeling. I think there’s some power and being able to say, “I’m experiencing so much discomfort. I really loved when we opened our relationship up. I think about it a lot and I think it would be something that I would really enjoy. If that’s not something that you’re interested in right now, this relationship is a priority for me. But I’d love to circle back in six months or a year and check-in and see how you’re doing with it, I just want to be able to share this with you.” That can often be a huge release of the pressure valve because we’re not just sitting in stewing and circling and thinking and dreaming and plotting and wondering when it’s going to happen.
So, by being able to express that openly without it being a demand or without having to try and force her hand in anything, that could potentially create a lot of relief for you and maintain that honest connection. You can certainly make a request and she can certainly say no, and then you have to decide what you want to do. But I think so much of the stress that I hear in your email, Mastodon, that I hear in so many other emails is because people are trying to find ways to not be uncomfortable. And that’s just not possible when you’re in relationship with other human beings.
Dawn Serra: Discomfort is a part of being in relationships, of being sexual, of being alive. You have to choose what discomfort is the most tolerable – Is ending your marriage and having the discomfort of not having that marriage anymore but the potential for endless adventure more doable for you? Is the discomfort of staying in your marriage and having some kind of clunky awkward conversations over the next couple of months and years, it can take some time to break some of those kind of habits, especially when you’ve been with someone for 10 years. Is that discomfort easier to tolerate? You have to decide what feels best for you and your life and what you want for it. But, I do think that it has to start with having some conversations with yourself and then having some potentially really uncomfortable conversations with your wife. It’s not about manipulating her into a yes or manipulating her into opening up your relationship. It’s about finding out where she is, making decisions about what’s important to you, and then going from there.
Realizing that no matter where you go, there’s probably going to be discomfort. It’s not going to be a win, win, win all the time. You might get lucky and it might be. She might have been secretly thinking about it for the past couple of months Or you might bring it up, and then six months down the road, she says, “Yeah, actually, I’m interested in this” Great. It’s okay, too, to let her know, “Here’s some of the things I’ve been thinking about, maybe I could work with a sex worker or professional,” and see what her feelings are about that. But I think you have to lay the groundwork for open sexual communication before you get to that point. Otherwise, you’re not going to have the tools to navigate what could potentially come after that. So, start working on those tools. Start working on that curiosity, examining your stories, the costs and the benefits and go from there. Good luck and see where you end up.
Dawn Serra: Miss Lou wrote to me and it says,
“During the moment, it’s not my favorite thing to stop and ask questions. So when I was commanded to sit on someone’s face, I panicked. How exactly do I do that? Is there a wrong way? I’m a BBW with really short legs, how can I be sexy while mounting my partner? And to do it without risking suffocation? We hadn’t negotiated breath play. Thanks for any help, Miss Lou.”
This is one of those reasons why I’m a fan of talking before sex about things that you might want to do and enjoy. You don’t have to but it’s helpful to not surprise someone with something that you haven’t asked for before. So that they can ask maybe some logistical questions and share some of their concerns. So, just a food for folks out there. It might be uncomfortable, but is it as uncomfortable as being naked and not moving for 30-seconds while your brain freaks out about what to do next? I’m not sure. So, to answer your question, Miss Lou. You just have to get on there and figure it out. The person who’s asking for you to sit on their face knows what your body looks like. They know that you’re a BBW. They know how long your legs are. They know exactly what they’re asking for. So, the first thing is you have to just trust that. I know that’s awkward. I feel super awkward sometimes still, when that comes up. Also, for positions, sometimes it’s just going to be like, “Oh, that’s not quite working. Okay, let’s try this. Okay, let’s try this.” And knowing that being a little awkward for a couple of minutes, will you shuffle pillows around and try and find just the right thing – it’s going to be really easy to get back in the moment, right? I mean, as soon as your pussy is surrounding their face, that’s going to be hot for them because that’s what they asked for. So it’s okay to move around.
Dawn Serra: In my experience, facing – if the person whose face you’re sitting on is laying on the bed with their head towards the headboard and their feet towards the end of the bed, you can sit in both the four direction where you’re like facing their feet, and you can sit facing the other way where you’re holding onto the headboard. It does make for very different angles for both their face and tongue and for your pussy. Sometimes you just have to play with it and see, “Which one is most pleasurable for me?” Which one is most pleasurable for them? How am I comfortable? Can I hold this for a while?
One thing that I’ve found is that if I’m facing feet, my arms get tired if I’m leaned a little bit forward so that they can do whatever they’re doing with all their face, but still get air every once in a while. But my arms get tired if I have to stay like that for a really long time. So we’ve actually found that if we pile a couple of pillows or a liberator wedge across his chest and stomach, then I can actually lay on those and engage my arms a little bit less. Then my pussy is still on his face and I can hold that forever. But then of course, I don’t have access to his cock. So, it just depends on what you want to do. But, the only way to figure it out is to get on, ask them what they’re going to do to let you know if they can’t breathe. Like, “Hey, are you going to give me a couple of taps or are you going to make a muffled sound if you need some air? Alex is really good if I really am suffocating him and he hasn’t gotten a breath in a few minutes to just gently push up on me and that tells me, “Okay, lean forward or lean back”, depending on which direction I’m in. Then he takes a deep breath and he goes back in.
Dawn Serra: It’s totally natural that in that moment you are like, “What the fuck do I do? How do I not kill him?” Or them. I don’t want to assume the gender of the person asking for you to sit on their face. But, the person who asked knows that you’re in a bigger body. They probably want to be surrounded by you. So then it’s just a matter of you figuring out what’s comfortable and what feels pleasurable for you, too, because it’s going to be your genitals that they’re licking and sucking on. So make sure you find something that works and even if that means, “Okay, I’m going to try this and let’s see how it goes for like a minute or two and then we’ll check in, and if we need to adjust will adjust so that we can do it a little longer.”
Also know that the mounting process is just in my experience, awkward. I gotta figure out a way to get my knee close to their head and then swing the other leg around, and there’s just going to be ass everywhere and that’s just the nature of the request. That’s okay and it can be fun and kind of awkward. But then as soon as you get into the licking and the pleasure part, you forget all about it. I think that’s kind of true for so many things in sex, right? It might be awkward getting to the point. But then, once you’re both having fun, you forget that it was awkward at all. It’s just fun and yummy and delicious. So, really great question. Totally just play with it. I know that’s hard to do when it’s a first time request. I probably would have been like, “I have no idea what to do, too.” If that request just came out of nowhere and it was my first time doing it.
Dawn Serra: There it is. That’s sex. Sometimes it’s awkward and you got to do your best, but enjoy as much as you can. Just remember when we feel a little bit unsure, a little bit awkward. Often we then try to center the other person’s pleasure because we want them to have a great experience while we’re kind of freaking out about what to do. It’s so okay in that moment for you to say, “What am I going to get out of this?” If it’s that they get super turned on and so that turns you on – great. Or maybe you don’t really like what they’re doing with their tongue, but it’s okay. But you get access to their genitals, and you really want their genitals – hot. That’s a good trade off too.
Just know anytime we do anything for the first time, it’s going to be fucking weird and/or it might be super delightful. Then the next time we do it, it’s not as delightful and we wonder what we’re doing wrong. But that’s humans for you. Thanks for writing in, Miss Lou. I hope whatever came of the face sitting request, it was fun and that you get a chance to do it again if it was delicious. Enjoy.
Dawn Serra: So we’re going to close with a really short, quick, little question about hoodie sex. Well, what is hoodie sex? Let me read you Nick’s question.
“Dawn, I have a strange fantasy fetish. I think my girlfriend looks so cute when she’s wearing my hoodies. I want to fuck her doggy style while she’s in one of my hoodies, so I can pull back on the hoodie strings. Am I weird? My girlfriend has such a perfect perky butt. Nick.”
Well, Nick, hopefully if you’ve been listening to this show for any amount of time, you know the answer already, which is no, you’re not weird. Because people like all kinds of things. Hoodie sex or just a couple of episodes ago, we had a guy who was super into the puffy-raised letters on t-shirts. He found that really delightful, rad. People like feet and alien sex ,and all kinds of stuff. People dress up like horses and clap around with saddles on their back. Literally, there’s something for everyone. The most important thing is to just acknowledge as long as it’s consensual and your girlfriend’s like, “Yeah, I’ll wear this hoodie because you think I look super cute and this could be fun,” and she knows you’re going to pull on the strings – not weird at all. It’s just about acknowledging you want to try the thing and asking your partner or partners if they want to do the thing, too, and go at it. So, to all of you out there who are wondering if you’re weird, the answer is, you’re probably not and/or if you are, you’re not alone. Because, boy, is the world an interesting place. So thank you so much for listening, Nick. I hope by the time I answered this, you and your girlfriend have had lots of hoodie sex, and you’ve pulled on all the strings while you’ve stared her super cute little butt and enjoy.
Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for listening this week. Thank you so much for being patient with me because I know the episode’s going up a little bit late on Sunday. I have so many exciting things coming up. Be sure to be tuning into O.school because I am now one of their pleasure professionals. I am going to be streaming starting in January, every single Wednesday evening, for our free, online, live sex ed. I’m going to be focusing all about pop culture and the stories that it teaches us about sex and love. So please be sure to join in those conversations. Check out the porn workshop that could make a really fun holiday gift for someone in your life. Otherwise, I will talk to you next week. This is Dawn Serra. Bye.