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Sign-up for the Explore More Summit: Bodies Edition at exploremoresummit.com. It’s free and kicks off December 4th. Prepare to be challenged and cracked open.
Now, on to your questions.
GR wrote in asking how porn stars and people in non-monogamous relationships protect themselves. How does safe sex work with multiple partners? It’s such an important question. Ultimately, it depends on each of us. We all have different needs, different requirements around risk and prevention, so the answer is really all in how you negotiate it with a partner.
The most important this is to remember we always default to the person who wants MORE protection. If you don’t want to use their level of protection, then you either don’t engage with them or you limit your activities, but we NEVER try to talk someone out of what they need for their peace of mind or bodily safety.
Cece is trying to learn how to trust her partner after he betrayed her. How can she stop questioning his word? She even snoops sometimes because she’s so convinced he isn’t being upfront. How can she build trust? Is there any hope?
Betrayals are absolutely something you can overcome, but rebuilding trust takes time. Like, years sometimes. And not just time, but consistent, reliable behavior that proves the person is who they say they are. A lot of people can’t stand that uncertainty in the interim, so you have to decide for yourself if you can find some care and support in that uncomfortable space. I also recommend Esther Perel’s two books, “Mating in Captivity” and her latest, “The State of Affairs.”
There was an unfortunate incident on Dan Savage’s podcast recently where a trans listener was misgendered and handled so poorly. If you want to read Bex Caputo’s response as well as this great thread on Twitter about the whole debacle, check it out. Trans folks, you deserve better than what Dan & Buck offered you.
LoveAllOfHim wants some advice for having sex with her fat male partner. She loves his body, but sometimes positions are a little tough. Most sex books for fat folks focus on folks with a vulva. LAOH needs some guidance.
I definitely recommend LAOH check out Hanne Blank’s “Big, Big Love” book. Also, this article on Scarleteen about sex with a fat partner who also has a smaller penis. I also recommend sex furniture and cushions, using ropes and straps to adjust bodies, and also getting creative with sex toys made for a penis to possibly make access a little easier.
Be sure to check out Chubstr.com, too. They don’t have a sex section yet, but they do have loads of resources for large & fat men and masculine folks, and I suspect it will be added at some point down the road.
Natalia wants to know if certain personality traits make for better worse lovers. Also, are artists better lovers? They’re fun questions that I play around with for a few moments. Hint: it’s not alpha males or folks who have something to prove.
Julia is the final question of the episode. It’s a heartbreaking, painful plea for help after Julia’s husband betrayed her and blamed it on sex addiction and not being able to help himself. How can she recover?
In the end, Julia needs to center herself and what she needs to heal, to grieve, to move forward. It’s a tough place to be, and there is no easy answer. Can we grapple with that pain and uncertainty? We’ll find out.
Follow Dawn on Instagram.
About Dawn Serra
Dawn Serra is a therapeutic Body Trust coach and pleasure advocate. As a white, cis, middle class, queer, fat, survivor, Dawn’s work is a fiercely compassionate invitation for each of us to deepen our relationships with our bodies and our pleasure as an antidote to the trauma, disconnection, and isolation so many of us feel. Your pleasure matters. Your body is wise. Dawn’s work is all about creating spaces and places for you to explore what that means on your terms. To learn more, visit dawnserra.com or follow Dawn on Instagram.
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Episode Transcript
Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!
Hello! Hello, lovely listeners. Here we are with another episode. This one is going to be you and me and a ton of your questions. Holy cow! I’ve been getting so many questions from you, which is wonderful. I love it. Every single one feels like a gift and a present and I love opening them and rolling around in them.
I want to start with two things. First, I, of course, have the Explore More Summit Bodies Edition. It is now enrolling. It’s free. It’s entirely online. It’s basically like an online conference or speaker series. It starts December 4th 2017, for those of you who listen later. But you can go to exploremoresummit.com and sign up for it. It’s going to be five days, 14 talks. We are going real deep into weight stigma, and diet culture and beauty standards and self-acceptance and body neutrality and eating disorders. All of the things that keep all of us trapped, feeling like our bodies aren’t good enough that we have to constantly be changing them or striving for some kind of ideal. A lot of the healthism that we have that tries to scare us into having different bodies that is largely based on super debunked data at this point. But it’s just a place where we’re going to be able to challenge ourselves and question ourselves and have some big feelings of anger and grief. But also see how so many other people are living their lives and moving through it creating amazing things in the world, even if they are in a fat body or are recovering from an eating disorder or our navigating gender in a really complex way. So I hope you’ll join us. There’s going to be really amazing conversations happening in the community and of course free workbooks for everyone who registers ahead of the conference. So check that out. I would love to see you there.
Dawn Serra: The other thing I want to announce, this is my first time announcing this. I am now pre-enrolling for my porn workshop. So it’s going to drop on December 1st. It’s entirely online. You can watch it whenever you’d like to. Folks who pre-enroll – meaning you buy the workshop ahead of December 1st – are going to get some bonus materials that other folks aren’t going to get. It’s called “Hands Down: A Workshop on How Porn Can Heal, Connect, and Be Ethical.” It’s an hour-long video that I’ve created all about all the questions that I’m constantly getting about porn. How can I find ethical porn? Where is it? How do I talk to a partner about it? What if I’m ashamed? How can I use porn to actually improve my relationship. I cover all of those things. Plus, I have a workbook full of really yummy questions that you can either do on your own or with a partner. That’s like a fun date night activity and a resource sheet, so that you can find all kinds of really awesome porn creators and porn performers.
The workshop itself can be found at dawnserra.com/porn and it’s enrolling now, if you’re listening to this before December 1st 2017. Otherwise, you can buy it at any time and watch it at any time. It’s going to be available. But if you do the pre-enroll, you’re going to get a bonus edition of the workbook with a couple more questions. So I would love it if you would sign up and take the class. I get so many questions about porn that I think that might be a great thing for a whole bunch of you to check out and share with a partner.
Dawn Serra: Okay. I’ve got some really good questions. Some intense questions, too that I want us to roll around in. I want to start with one asking about safe sex. GR– I’m not sure if I can use their full name or not. GR wrote in saying, “I am curious about safe sex. I wonder how porn stars protect themselves, as well as people in open relationships. Is it normal to have a main person you sleep with without protection if you’re a polyamorous? Or, do you recommend always protecting yourself? If so, how do you go about it? Love your podcast. Thanks. GR.”
I love that you’re asking this question. It’s one that lots of people have. The answer is, it totally depends on you and what your needs are and the types of relationships that you have. We all get to navigate this differently. The way that we negotiate it with one set of partners or one partner might be totally different than down the road with another partner or partners or lovers. So there’s lots of different ways that people manage what feels good for them in their bodies. Some people are very risk averse. They want to minimize the chances of contracting anything at all, as much as possible. Other people are kind of like, you know.
Dawn Serra: I mean, the truth is in the next 20 or 30 years, everyone who’s sexually active, 90% of us are going to have some form of herpes or HPV. It’s a skin condition that’s not life threatening. As long as you know you have it and you share it with your doctor, if you’re pregnant, pretty much everybody, at some point, is going to have some kind of STI Be it one that’s treatable and curable – like chlamydia – or one that’s like a skin condition like herpes or something like HIV, which is very manageable these days. And people have just kind of different expectations and needs and wants about that.
The most important thing is for you to be really clear on what feels good for your body and what level of risk you want to take on. And then, you have to navigate that. Porn stars have all kinds of different protocols. Some are on some type of hormonal birth control and they get tested every two weeks per industry standards and so they don’t feel the need for barriers. Other performers love barriers. If you watch films like those that happened on CrashPad by Shine Louise Houston, you’ll notice that those performers use barriers for gloves, dental dams, condoms on toys. They use barriers all the time. One of the reasons is to show that using barriers can be part of super hot, delicious sex. Also, part of that is because that’s just what makes those performers comfortable.
Dawn Serra: The same for people who are in non-monogamous situations or who were just dating multiple people without having any kind of set partner. For some people, barriers are something that they don’t want. And everyone gets to decide that for themselves. For other people. barriers are really important. Barriers are things like condoms, gloves, dental dams.
The one thing I just want to offer is if you are sleeping with multiple people, you can never be guaranteed – or even one person, frankly. If you’re sleeping with anyone other than yourself, you can never be guaranteed what their behavior is going to be. You can hope. You can set up guidelines and establish trust. But there’s always a chance. The chance increases as you add people to your sexual experiences. Some people do have primary partners that’s without any barriers. Some people don’t like fluid bonded – and I’m kind of on the fence, but – and that works for them.
But it’s really up to you. Do you believe that they use barriers 100% of the time in the safest way possible with other partners and that their other partners also use protective methods that feels safer for your body? If you aren’t sure and you don’t want to take the risk, there are people who will spend 30 years together in a committed relationship and use barriers that entire time. Either because that just feels best for them and that’s where their risk level feels comfortable. Or, because maybe they’re partnered with somebody who has HIV or that they’re taking a medicine, maybe that’s not good for their partner.
Dawn Serra: There’s all different reasons that we may or may not want to use barriers. When it comes down to having multiple partners, you just have to decide for you what that is. And the rule when it comes to sex is the person with the highest amount of needs is where we go. So if I don’t particularly like barriers or I don’t need them, I get tested regularly, but you do and I decided I want to engage with you, I am not going to convince you not to use barriers. I’m going to go with the more protected negotiation of that scene. So me no barriers, your barriers, we go with barriers. If that’s a problem, then my choice is to just not engage in certain types of sex with you. It’s not to convince you to change what it is you need for your body to feel safe and cared for and for your boundaries to feel like they’re being respected.
You just have to decide how that looks for you. Everyone does it differently. Experiment. Have conversations with people. Ask what they do. Then, set those boundaries and know that you can change them and negotiate them and have fun. I hope that’s helpful, GR. Just gives you some things to think about. Thank you so much for listening. Let’s move on to the next question.
Dawn Serra: Cece wrote in with a subject line of, “Learning to trust again.” “Hi, Dawn. I want to start by saying I adore you. I loved listening to what you have to say on numerous topics that you cover. You’re definitely an inspirational voice. I wanted your advice on ways I can stop jumping to conclusions and being suspicious. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly four years. We had broken up after two years when I found out he was talking to other women and lied about it once. It all came out of the wash and I found hard evidence of this. I don’t think he was physically cheating, but the conversations they were having definitely weren’t about the weather. We were separated for about six months when he contacted me for the first time since I had made the decision to end things. He won me back claiming that he did what he did because of his own insecurities and that he missed me dearly. He seemed genuine. And I did really miss him, too. So we rekindled and moved in together.
Things haven’t been terrible. But I find myself questioning more than I’d like to. Like wondering if he’s telling the truth or if he’s talking to anyone. I’ve even felt self-conscious sexually because I had found a fair amount of porn on the computer. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with porn or him watching it. However, when I don’t feel desired and wanted and sex is only happening once or twice a week at the most, it hurts to know your partner is looking at all of this and not you. I feel like I want sex too much. So I feel bad for trying to initiate it and to see if he will start the fire instead.
Dawn Serra: I talked to him about it and he said he would let up on the porn if it made me feel bad about myself. I think it may have lightened up a bit, but I will catch myself thinking he’s probably doing the things. Just being more careful about deleting his history. I’m not the type to go digging for dirt and I feel terrible about all this. But sometimes they get so in my head that I will snoop. Like I want to find something. The cheating happened once and I don’t want it to happen again. I love my boyfriend and want to be together. I just want to let down my guard so we can get through this healing process. So that he knows I do trust him. Am I being crazy? I would greatly appreciate your input. Cece.”
Oh, Cece. This is a tough one. I appreciate you writing in and saying all those really kind things and also for trusting me with this. Trust is a really tough thing. One of the reasons we struggle so much after a betrayal – That betrayal might be cheating and infidelity. Or, it might be lying about money or gambling – is that the process of building trust back, like real deep trust, takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of consistent behavior.
Dawn Serra: Brené Brown talks about the marble jar as something that represents trust. Basically, we have this jar and every time a person in our life does something that builds trust, we put a marble in the marble jar. And these are tiny little things – remembering our birthdays or asking about how we’re doing or remembering the name of that co-worker we were talking about or showing up when they said they would show up on time. It’s these little behaviors that demonstrate this person is trustworthy. So we put marbles in the marble jar. Eventually, we have a jar that’s full of marbles. There’s just been so many little moments that demonstrate that this person is trustworthy. That we trust them. And it feels really solid and strong. What happens when we have a betrayal is that marble jar gets shattered and the marbles just scattered. We basically have to start from zero.
Usually, we go into relationships giving people the benefit of the doubt and our marble jar is maybe half full. Some of us are a little more trusting. So maybe the marble marble jar is three quarters full. Some of us are a little more skeptical. So maybe we move into new relationships with people, both platonic and romantic, with a quarter of it full. Maybe even none of it. But when betrayal happens, that marble jar is shattered. Now, we have an empty jar.
It takes a long time of specific situations that reestablish that trust. It has to be demonstrated over and over and over and over and over again, so that those individual marbles keep going into the jar. And eventually, over time – and when I say over time, I’m saying two, three, five years – that marble jar starts getting filled back up again.
Dawn Serra: The thing is, that marble jar can get filled back up, but so many of us can’t tolerate that in between space. We don’t have coping mechanisms for it. We don’t know how to talk about it openly. It feels like a wound. And it feels really tender. The person who betrayed us feels probably miserable about what they did. And they just want that trust back. They’re trying and they’re doing all the things that they said they would do. And it just feels like this terrible reminder of this huge mistake that they made and the ways they hurt someone that they cared about. Of course, the person who did the betraying wants that trust jar to fill up faster than it is. And to know that you’re not being trusted, can be unbearable for some people.
For the person that’s betrayed, you’re not only trying to get enough evidence to start filling that trust jar up which takes time, but you’re also trying to navigate this wound and this hurt. If you haven’t received a really good apology, that can be a place where the wound just keeps seeping and never really heals. And all of that takes time.
Dawn Serra: Esther Perel talks about how infidelity can actually lead us to stronger relationships, healthier relationships than before betrayal. Because it forces us to reckon with ourselves and with this other person about the things that we actually need and the things that were going unspoken. It’s an opportunity for an even more amazing relationship to happen. It’s not an excuse for people to cheat or to lie. But it is an opportunity for all of this growth to happen.
The reason that I share all of that is because you’re going to have to decide if this is a space you can tolerate. And it might take a while. You have to decide, “I’m just going to feel really uncomfortable, but I’m going to stay here and just keep trying to build up that trust.” Then, if he just keeps showing up doing all the things you’re asking and having these conversations with you over time, that marble jar will get filled back up. But there’s just going to be this place where you’re suspicious and you’re feeling uncomfortable because you don’t want to get hurt again. It can be a really powerful place also to just get some support from a therapist or counselor or a coach. But just know that that suspicion is you trying to protect yourself because you feel so vulnerable around, “I know how devastating this feels when it happens and I really don’t want it to happen again. Also, this marble jar is all the way empty or mostly empty.”
Dawn Serra: So can you nurture yourself around that? What do you need to feel supported both from him and for yourself? How can you build a little bit of resilience up around these feelings that are really tough to sit in, this wondering of, “Is he lying? Is he telling me the truth?” You have to just hang in there or decide this just isn’t something that you have the energy for and you can tolerate. And then, that’s an opportunity for you to end the relationship or to maybe have a different kind of relationship with him.
You also have to just decide this might hurt. “He might be lying, but spending my time worrying about it is not only harming me, but it’s harming our relationship.” Find ways to focus on all the things that are working. What are the things that you love about this relationship? What are the things that he brings to the table? What are the things that you feel supported around when you have him in your life? If there’s enough there that’s strong and wonderful and fun or comforting or whatever it is that you need, finding a way to center that can help quiet those voices. But you do have to know that after cheating, there’s just this long, uncomfortable space of having to sit in feelings of, “I now realize I have no guarantees. I don’t know if I can rely on this other person’s word. And can I also treat them with respect and honor our relationship at the same time? It’s a weird space that just a lot of us are super uncomfortable in.
Dawn Serra: You might want to check out Esther Perel’s books. There’s some really great stuff. Her “Mating in Captivity” book is a great one and she just had her new book come out. The title escapes me, but I’ll link to it for this episode.
But just give yourself some time. Give him some time to build trust back up. Let him know that you’re trying. Also, let him know what you need for reassurance to build that trust up faster. What are the things he can do to really demonstrate to you that he’s not betraying you? How can you build in those conversations of these things make me feel more supported right now and we can renegotiate that again down the road. But snooping and looking for reasons, I think that’s you being just completely unable to tolerate the vulnerability and the unknown.
Dawn Serra: You have to decide. Can you find ways to support yourself with friends, the things you love by asking your boyfriend for help? That you can tolerate that uncertainty? Or, is that just too painful and too intolerable and you just can’t sit in it for longer than you have, and then maybe the relationship needs to be reevaluated?
I hope that gives you some juicy things to think about. It sucks and it hurts. I totally understand. I have been in that place. Sometimes that stuff still comes up. We just have to find ways to support ourselves and love ourselves and nurture ourselves and remind ourselves why we are so valuable and why we deserve to be respected. So cultivating a practice around that can be a really wonderful way to just find some ease around that really uncomfortable uncertainty. But check out Esther Perel’s books. Check out Brené Brown’s work around trust. See if anything in there maybe gives you just some extra tools. Good luck. Thanks, Cece.
Dawn Serra: It’s not too often that I talk about current events on the show just because things move so fast. There’s so many amazing people doing so much amazing work in this space that I just really want to focus on amazing conversations. But I did want to just take a couple of minutes. On a recent episode of Dan Savage’s “Love Cast,” a trans listener called in with a question. Dan and Buck Angel fielded the question and there are a lot of people who are really angry about how that question was handled on that episode.
Bex Caputo wrote a really great piece about “What I Really Hear When You Misgender Me And What You Should Say When You Do.” I’ll link to that. I also just want to note, to any of the trans listeners out there, if you heard that conversation on Dan’s podcast, I am so sorry. There was a lot in that 15-minute segment that was really upsetting and disappointing and disturbing.
Dawn Serra: First and foremost, that the caller, who was a trans man, called in and they misgendered the caller and use the wrong pronouns, which from a trans activist, that’s especially disappointing and frustrating. But the more disappointing thing was they were talking about if you’re not willing to change your body and go on hormones and try to pass as a trans man, then you’re going to end up alone and nobody’s going to want you. Bex has this wonderful little piece and in their post about why that’s fundamentally not true. There’s been some incredible conversations happening on Twitter from trans folks who aren’t on hormones, who aren’t wanting any kind of surgery to alter their body, who are trans and who are having wonderful sexual experiences with partners who value them and their bodies and their gender.
So I just want to name, that was not handled well. Both of the folks in that episode have a history of being pretty transphobic and binary in their thinking about trans issues. I just want everyone listening to know that whether you’re non-binary or trans, whether you want to pass or you don’t want to pass, whether you want to take hormones or you don’t want to take hormones or change your body, you are enough exactly as you are. There are people out in the world who will find you wonderful and delightful and who will want to experience life with you, either at a friendship level or potentially to romantic or a sexual level.
Dawn Serra: Yeah. Sometimes it takes a little bit more time when we’re in a marginalized situation to find people who really appreciate us for who we are. Be at a fat body or a disabled body or a trans body. But that’s not to say there’s no one and that you can’t be who you are. That you don’t have to change yourself. You don’t have to live up to other people’s narratives and expectations of your body. So I’ll link to Bex’s piece and a Twitter thread that I thought was really beautiful in just combating some of the shit that was in that conversation on Dan’s podcast. I hope anybody listening knows the stories that get told about your body aren’t true. You get to exactly who you are in exactly the body you’re in. People can honor that and find it hot and delicious.
Also, just a quick reminder. If you want to sign up for my porn workshop, you can go to dawnserra.com/porn. Check out the details. There’s a little video teaser that I made. It’s enrolling now. $24 for an hour-long video workshop, a workbook and a resource list all about how to incorporate porn into your life and how to reduce shame around it.
Dawn Serra: Let’s dive into another listener question. I got this email from LoveAllOfHim. The subject line is, “Sex with a fat man,” which is right up my alley because I’ve got the Explore More Summit Bodies Edition coming up. It says, “Hi, Dawn. I love your show. I’ve written in anonymously before. You were so helpful then. I hope you can help me now. I have a new lover and he is hot. He’s opened my eyes to new possibilities about sex. I’ve been really enjoying the sex we have, mostly hand stuff. We both want PIV. We just haven’t gotten to it yet. We keep getting distracted.
But here’s the challenge. He’s fat. I want to be clear because talking about a fat person in a sexual context is so loaded. I find him very attractive. I don’t want to change anything about him. His size is part of who he is and I really like him. All of him. But it presents some logistical challenges. His cock is a little hard to reach during most of our time together and I feel like it’s being left out of our playtime. He doesn’t seem to mind. And our communication is good, so I feel confident that he would tell me if something wasn’t working for him. I’ve looked online and found some guides about fat sex, but they all seem to focus on how to have sex with a fat woman, which is fine, just not really what I’m looking for. Do you have any resources or suggestions about positions and approaches that work for fat male bodies?”
Dawn Serra: If we’re talking about fat bodies with a penis, then you’re right. Most of the fat books out there about sex are about folks with a vulva and feminine folks. There is a book by Hanne Blank that I want to recommend called “Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them.” Definitely check that out. It’s a great book. I have it in my library. While it does feature conversations about sex with folks with vulvas, it also talks about all kinds of fat bodies and all kinds of positions, including men and folks with penises. So you’ll want to check that out. I will link to it on the podcast website and in the show notes for you to check out.
Also, I’m going to link to an article on Scarleteen. Heather Corinna, who founded and runs Scarleteen, had a wonderful response to a question, “My boyfriend is overweight and has a smaller penis. How can we make sex better?” Pretty much everything that Heather says in this article is the exact same thing that I would offer. So I will allow everyone to go check out Heather’s piece on Scarleteen because she’s phenomenal and everyone should go to Scarleteen all the time.
Dawn Serra: I do think though, that talking to him about his experience is just super important. Maybe he’s really happy with how things are and this doesn’t have to be a place of big stress, just eventual discovery. Also, talking to him about what types of modifications he’s tried in the past might be a really good place to start. Sometimes when we’re in a fat body we’ve already tried certain things and they didn’t work. We’re embarrassed about that, so it might not be the thing that we bring up. But if you directly ask, he might know that putting some pillows under his hips or doing XYZ is helpful.
Now, I’ll add, having a liberator wedge or some type of sex wedge or sex furniture can be so helpful for folks in fat bodies, older bodies and bodies with disabilities. It helps us just to get into positions and hold ourselves in ways that might be a little bit more difficult. Otherwise, pillows can be an amazing way to increase access to certain body parts by raising our hips. Also, this might be something he’s not a fan of, but I have recently gotten into, with Alex, using rope to tie my legs up or to hold my legs in a certain position, so that I don’t get super tired, and then we can have like super rambunctious, amazing sex with me tied in a certain way. I don’t have to worry about holding my legs up for a half an hour. There might also be something with using rope or a yoga strap or something like that around just moving his flesh. Maybe if his tummy is on the way, if you use rope or a yoga strap to just lift it up out of the way, that’ll increase access.
Dawn Serra: It’s just going to take a little bit of creativity and play. Because everybody’s fat body is different. The way that he experiences his fatness, is it more in his tummy? Is it more in his legs? Is it more in his arms? What positions are comfortable for his body? Those are all just going to have to be places of play. If you want to spend more time playing with his penis, then ask him what would feel really good. Maybe it’s not you doing simultaneous activities. Maybe it’s taking turns. That’s a really big thing that I love is let me do all these amazing things to you and pamper you and make you feel good. Maybe that’s the full story for that night. Maybe I make my partner orgasm or just do lots of yummy stuff, and then we curl up and that’s it. And then, maybe the next time they do it to me or maybe we just take turns. My hands on you, and then your hands on me.
If you want to actually prioritize spending some time with his penis, let him know that and ask him what he would like. You said communication’s great and that he would tell you if something wasn’t working. But I think being just a little more proactive around, specifically asking questions like, “I feel like we neglect your penis sometimes. Is that something that you want to change?” If he says, “No. It’s not something I want to change,” trust him and keep having the amazing delicious sex that you’re having. If it is something that he wants to do more of, then the two of you get to get super creative. If he’s laying on the side of the sofa with the cushions taken off or piled up under his legs. Or, if you’re in doggy style and he gets to move his body so that it’s in a certain way to make access easier. Or, if you’re riding on him. I think sometimes we’re so afraid of offending people that we just don’t ask for the information that we need that would then actually make things really hot and fun.
Dawn Serra: It sounds like you’re really on the right track. I also want to recommend the website Chubstr. It’s C-H-U-B-S-T-R. The founder of Chubstr is actually speaking at my Explore More Bodies Edition Summit. His name is Bruce Strugell. He started this website that’s just all about centering fat masculinity. It features all kinds of awesome fashion and issues for men and masculine folks, who are in fat or larger bodies. They don’t yet have a section on sex and relationships. But I am trying to connect with him to see if we can make that happen. You might want to just file that away. I suspect that in the very near future, that’s going to be a space they move into. Because it’s a big part of our lives. If we want to center the experiences of larger masculine folks, then let’s also talk about sex and how we can do that better.
So invest in furniture and wedges, if that’s something he’s interested in. You might also want to consider just getting some stroker toys. If you had the fleshlight or Fun Factory’s Cobra Libre or a tenga stroker, any of those things are just going to make the centering of his penis, different and potentially, even easier. Bigger tools that you can put on his penis that make reaching it a little bit easier while still adding lots of sensation and deliciousness.
Dawn Serra: Something else, too. If the two of you want to have intercourse and working with his body and his penis just feels awkward or is difficult, there is nothing that says you can’t use a strap on to have a really, really hot intercourse together. Maybe the way that you make that work is either he uses a toy on you or he gets a thigh harness that he can just really fuck you with that dildo. And then, afterwards you give his penis all kinds of love with one of the stroker toys or with your hand or with your mouth. There’s nothing wrong with us getting to navigate all of these yummy sexual spaces and a little bit of a different way or being really creative around it. Just because we don’t see it in porn doesn’t mean that it’s not normal.
So just talk to him. Check out “Big Big Love” by Hanne Blank. Try adding all kinds of different tools and goodies that are out there on the market. Just see where you end up. It might not be the kind of sex that you have in your head going into this. Maybe it ends up looking really different. But maybe it ends up being even yummier because you’re honoring his amazing body and your amazing body and making it work for the two of you on your terms. So have fun. Thank you so much for writing in. Totally, the two of you check out the summit, too. Because we’re going to be talking all about fat bodies and stuff. But enjoy. It sounds amazing.
Dawn Serra: I got this really fun question from Natalia. The subject line is, “Fun sex, certain personality traits and how they may translate to sexual traits.” “Thank you for creating this podcast. Your demeanor is perfect for the topics you cover. zeven your voice. You have such a beautiful and graceful outlook on life and people. The first podcast I listened to I thought you were a pornstar and that Dawn Serra was your pornstar name. It’s even better now that I realized it’s your real name.
I have two questions. Which personality traits have you found in people that translate to the bedroom in the most noticeable ways, positively or negatively? I know that covers a lot of traits. So I guess maybe just the ones that really stand out right away. And, two, do you feel that artists of any medium make for more natural and good lovers? Thanks again for hours of lovely entertainment and knowledge. Keep it on. Ciao! Natalia.”
Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for writing in and saying those amazing things. It felt delicious and delightful to receive. Okay. For your first question – which personality traits have I found that translate into the bedroom in the most noticeable ways, positively or negatively? This is completely unscientific, unproven, totally my opinion based on my experiences, observations and conversations, which is to say this is in no way is universal or true. But it’s fun, so I thought I would share. Okay. Personality traits.
I think people who are super bought into toxic masculinity, alpha male shit make terrible lovers in the bedroom. I also think people who are hell bent on making things a certain way tend to not be great lovers. Bringing expectations and really narrow stories into the bedroom just sets everybody up for feeling like failures. So I think when you have people who need things to look a certain way and need things to happen a certain way in order for them to be right or good or perfect struggle sometimes.
Dawn Serra: Because sex and our bodies change all the time, which means we have to be a little bit more flexible. That’s not to say those people can’t be great in bed with certain partners. But I think it does present a little bit more of a challenge, especially over the course of time. Especially when we get to a place where things are starting to change. Maybe we’re a little bit outside of new relationship energy and that hot, funness that we get early on in a relationship or an affair.
Personality traits that I think translate great to the bedroom are people who are really curious. People who are super open to change. People who like being playful and fun and don’t take themselves super seriously. I think you can absolutely be great in bed and take yourself really seriously, but in a very special way. In general, though, I think the more that you’re willing to just see what happens, to show up and just know who you are and what you bring to the table without feeling like you have to prove something or do sex in a certain way in order to like validate yourself, I think that just gives so much more space for different bodies, different experiences, different moods, different feelings, different places, different situations.
Dawn Serra: I think some of the most amazing people when it comes to sex aren’t people that necessarily have the most experience. It’s people who are open to just really jiving and showing up. Like, “How are we going to make this work today with what’s available to us and how we’re feeling in our bodies? And let’s just play in this space and be curious about what might happen.”
I also think people who are really good at rejection, disappointment, uncertainty, people who just can roll with that, I think, have the potential to be really great just in sexual settings. Because if something happens, something doesn’t go the way you thought, you lose an erection, somebody doesn’t orgasm – whatever it is – it’s not going to feel devastatingly personal. There’s going to be so much less attachment to that anger and that knee jerk reaction of needing to prove yourself.
So, yeah. I mean, totally not based on anything. But just in my experience, folks who can just show up and be playful and not need to prove something or achieve something are the people who are going to be so much more open to the vast possibilities that is our erotic fantasies, the potential of our bodies. All the types of ways that we can connect sexually. That, to me, is really interesting and makes for a great partner. I’m sure there are people out there who say that makes the worst partner because they want that certainty and they want a very specific kind of experience. That’s super okay. Just for me, that’s like my jam. But I’m sure everybody listening knows that.
Dawn Serra: As for artists making more natural lovers? No. Just because I think there’s so many different ways of being an artist. In fact, my therapist says that the way we live our life is art. Which means all of us are artists in some way. So I think that’s just a tough one. Like if we’re only talking about people who paint, draw, do ceramics and make music, I think that’s your traditional, very specific version of art.
I think it just depends on the artist. I think there’s some cultural stories about artists being really open and free loving and kind of wild and down for anything. I think sometimes that’s true. But I wonder if the reason that’s true is because people are trying to live up to the stories of the wild bohemian artist versus because that’s really who they are. I find that true. So many different industries and people. We’re trying to show how serious we are at the thing that we do or show that we’re an expert. So we’re living out the script. We think everyone is expecting of us, instead of actually just fundamentally being who we are. Even if that’s really different than the stereotype or the expectation. That, to me, would make a much more interesting potential partner and lover than someone who appears really free spirit and loving and open to anything and down to fuck at the drop of a hat. But they’re just kind of performing. I love the question. I thought it was really fun. I hope that’s just a silly little answer based off of my totally unscientific opinion. That’s going to take us right into the last question.
Dawn Serra: So I got this question from Julia. “Hi, Dawn. I’ve recently gone through a massive amount of emotional pain, confusion, depression and numbing shock. I’ve had a very stressful life growing up, as I’m sure many people have. I met my husband in high school. I’m now 26 and he’s 28. He tried to date me for almost seven years, but he had the worst reputation. He had sex with random girls and cheated on every single one of his girlfriends. I knew the rumors and I knew they were all true. But I thought it was different with me.
He never stopped trying to be with me. I forced myself away because I fell in love and I was certain he would hurt me. We stopped talking for about two years. In those two years, I was raped. Long story short, I have PTSD and a lot of trust issues. He contacted me again after those two years and we started talking, then dating. He was different. I believed he’d really changed because I assumed what he went through was a phase in high school. We got married in 2013. It was amazing. It was hard for me to be sexual because of what I’ve been through. But he knew that and he supported me because he said he loved me.
Dawn Serra: About five days ago, after getting cold on me and months of treating me poorly, he got on his knees and hesitated to tell me he had a really big problem. He confessed to cheating not only with one person, but numerous girls for a year and a half. My biggest fear came true. It finally happened. I felt like I had walked into a black hole. I was in shock for two days. I could barely go to the bathroom on my own because I couldn’t focus. He saw me in pain and unable to stop crying. He cried next to me and said that I had nothing to do with it. That was his problem. He couldn’t control and regretted it. That the guilt was eating him alive. He repeatedly told me he was trash and didn’t deserve me. but that he didn’t want me to leave. He says he’s a sex addict.
I left the state to clear my mind for two weeks. While in Texas, I searched for something. Anything. I looked at podcasts on Spotify and I found you and listened to Episode 187 on chronic cheating. I love him so much. I think he was my drug and I’m an addict for him. I want to leave because I know people with addictions can’t change sometimes. And I could not bear to feel so much pain again. But I don’t know what to do. Is there anything? Julia.”
Dawn Serra: Well, hopefully, Julia, you heard the conversation at the top of this podcast all about trust. Because it sounds like you’re in a lot of pain. There are going to be some really big, huge, ugly feelings ahead of you. I know you’re already in those. I know you’re already feeling hurt and heartbroken, and that you’re suffering. I have been there. I have– I have been in a place where my entire world was shattered because of betrayal. It takes a lot of tears and a lot of anger and a lot of asking yourself really hard questions.
I think something that’s so important to know is just because he’s saying all the right things – that he couldn’t control himself, that he regretted it, that he feels guilty, that he’s trash, he doesn’t deserve you, that he’s a sex addict. All of those things may be true and they also feel like excuses. When it comes to something like this, you fundamentally have to figure out how to center yourself. That can be really hard to do when you’re heartbroken and shattered and you don’t know which direction is up. Grief is a really, really hard thing to navigate. We are not a culture that knows how to deal with grief. And so here you are. You already have trust issues. You have PTSD. You’re grieving and heartbroken and betrayed.
Dawn Serra: You also have to just decide, based on all the information that you have, what’s the light likelihood that he can meet your needs and respect your boundaries, that he can honestly show up and do the work that it’s going to take to reestablish trust? That feeling of not wanting to be alone. That feeling of not wanting things to end. That feeling of desperately wanting to hold on is such a powerful one. It can make us do things that end up hurting us even more down the road.
So I think you just really need to sit with that. You actually know the answer. Deep in your gut, you know it. Often, what causes us so much pain is our desperate, desperate, desperate refusal to listen to that. Because it hurts too much to think about. So sit with that answer. Is it in you? Do you know what it is? You deserve to be with someone who respects your needs, who respects your boundaries, that you can cultivate trust with. If that’s not this person, it’s okay that it hurts. It’s okay that you grieve. It’s okay to be angry. And it’s okay to feel sad and broken and hopeless. We just have to be there sometimes.
Dawn Serra: But know you’re not alone. Know this happens to so many of us. Know that there is time and space for you to move through this. It’s okay to ask for support from friends and to read books that make you feel good and to just do whatever you need to do to survive this. But don’t center him. Center you. What do you need? What makes you feel seen and heard in a relationship? Can you get those things from this person? My guess is no. If he wants to blame all of his behaviors on sex addiction and not being able to control himself, that tells me that this is a person who doesn’t have a lot of integrity and who doesn’t have a lot of courage. There were lots of opportunities for him to be able to bring this up. And it’s kind of a easy escape to be able to blame this on something like sex addiction, which, by the way, has very little actual good science behind it.
My guess is he’s not someone who’s built for monogamy, but he doesn’t have that language. So he’s going to continue cheating and lying and manipulating because he doesn’t know how to exist in a situation that’s monogamous. If what you want and value is a relationship where there’s trust, that’s monogamous, it’s just for the two of you, it probably isn’t with this person. That’s not to say that it’s hopeless. Certainly people can make really bad choices and do really hurtful things and you can come out the other side and create something really powerful from that. I also think we need to look at the pattern of behavior. If he spent years lying and cheating on other girlfriends and now he’s proven himself to be doing the exact same thing with you, you deserve better.
Dawn Serra: So center yourself. Get really clear on what you want for yourself and what you need. Don’t worry about him as much as possible. I know it’s so tempting when we love someone to think about their feelings and their words and to want to listen to them. But this is about you right now. So what do you need to grieve, to process, to feel like you can be in relationship with someone and have that trust, that is clearly so important to you. Then ask, is this person someone who’s likely to be able to give that to you and the way you need it? And then, go from there. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry you’re going through this. There’s no easy answer. There’s no simple way out. There is no pill that magically makes it all okay. It’s a hard truth and it sucks. And lots of us have been there.
To everybody listening, I want to say thank you so much. If you have stories you want to share, if you’ve got questions for me, head to dawnserra.com and share those. I love hearing from you. Also, pop over to patreon.com and throw a dollar or a couple of dollars my way. I’ve got listener questions out there waiting for your answers. I have a new diary entry going up. Of course, I’m going to be having some exclusive content over on Patreon very, very soon. So I would love your support. In the meantime, I will be back next week with a delicious interview all about tantra and I will talk to you soon. Bye!