Podcast: Play in new window | Download
So, where are we going this week?
Emma has been seeing someone for a few years who keeps disappearing and ignoring her. They have amazing chemistry and great sex, so what can she do about the way he behaves?
The truth is the way he’s behaving is abusive and all about control and manipulation, and not at all about honoring this relationship. I dive into the why and how of what I think Emma should do next.
Maddy and another listener both wrote in recently asking for help about how to raise sex positive kids. I have a bunch of resources to share from books to websites and big concepts that I think set us up for more success as teens and adults. Also, Nadine Thornhill talked about this on episode 109 of the show. Check that out, too.
Because kids and sex is about more than just condoms and STIs. It’s about emotional intelligence, resilience, finding your voice, knowing your own body, communicating boundaries and desires, and learning how to survive the awkward. If parents can help kids learn that? They’ll be so much better prepared for all the stuff around sex that makes sex so confusing and difficult. Plus, FOCUS ON THE PLEASURE. Talking about pleasure doesn’t make kids have the sex. But it does empower them around knowing what they want later in life.
Another listener needs help finding a third for her threesome desires, but she has herpes. How can she find someone who wants to play with her and her boyfriend, and who won’t mind her herpes status? Speaking of playing with others, Lindsey and her boyfriend love being watched while they have sex. They’ve done it once, but they want to do more. Where can they find voyeurs who will enjoy watching them get off?
From Tinder and OK Cupid to exploring local poly groups and play parties, there are loads of options if you’re willing to put in a little work and ask for what you want.
Tori is a rape survivor with a long history of less-than-satisfying sex. She’s in a new relationship and she’s taking it slow, but she needs help around how to disclose her survivor status to her boyfriend. I have lots of thoughts about what it means to share your trauma with someone, and how to explore this space from a place of connection and curiosity rather than one of fear and shame.
Finally, Nathan wants to know how to convince his girlfriend to be his keyholder because he is into chastity devices. Will she even want to?
Once again, the only answer is to ask her, and I explain why.
One last thing – I am putting the finishing touches on a new online workshop all about porn, so stay tuned for that.
Follow Dawn on Instagram.
Resources mentioned in this episode
Cory Silverberg’s books “What Makes a Baby?” and “Sex is a Funny Word”
Anastasia Higginbotham’s “Tell Me About Sex, Grandma”, “Death is Stupid”, and “Divorce is the Worst”
Nadine Thornhill, a sex educator specifically working with parents on teaching their kids about sex. Check out her YouTube, too.
Heather Corinna (founder of Scarleteen) has a book called “S.E.X., second edition: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties”
A great resource for parents about raising kids is John Gottman’s “Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting”
About Dawn Serra
Dawn Serra is a therapeutic Body Trust coach and pleasure advocate. As a white, cis, middle class, queer, fat, survivor, Dawn’s work is a fiercely compassionate invitation for each of us to deepen our relationships with our bodies and our pleasure as an antidote to the trauma, disconnection, and isolation so many of us feel. Your pleasure matters. Your body is wise. Dawn’s work is all about creating spaces and places for you to explore what that means on your terms. To learn more, visit dawnserra.com or follow Dawn on Instagram.
Listen and subscribe to Sex Gets Real
- Listen and subscribe on iTunes
- Check us out on Stitcher
- Don’t forget about I Heart Radio’s Spreaker
- Pop over to Google Play
- Use the player at the top of this page.
- Now available on Spotify. Search for “sex gets real”.
- Find the Sex Gets Real channel on IHeartRadio.
Hearing from you is the best
Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!
Hey, listeners! Welcome to this week’s episode of Sex Gets Real. I’m going to be fielding a bunch of your questions because they have been pouring in over the past couple of weeks. I am committed to doing some more episodes where I engage with you because your questions are always so amazing. If you have questions, you can always send those in dawnserra.com using the contact form.
Dawn Serra: I also just posted some new listener questions on Patreon. For those of you who support the show at $10 or more, you can be or practice being a sexpert by offering your advice to some of the yummy questions that I get, and then I can share your answers on the air alongside my answer. I also have a new diary entry coming up. If you support at the $5 level, you can hear that very soon.
I’m also creating a brand new online workshop all about porn. I’m going to be talking about ways that you can consume it ethically, where you can find really great porn that’s created ethically. Also, ways that you can introduce it to a partner and ways that you can use it to help you explore your own fantasies and pleasure. So if you have been feeling curious about ways that you can introduce porn into a relationship or just explore it with a little bit more mindfulness than the way so many of us consume our porn, stay tuned for that. It’ll be online. It’ll be super affordable. I’m really excited about it. Let’s get to your questions.
Dawn Serra: The first question comes from Emma, and it says, “Hey, Dawn! My name is Emma, and I love your show. I’m currently catching up on all of the old episodes with Dylan. Here’s my situation. I have known this certain man for three to four years now. We’ve only gotten together maybe six or seven times in that time span. A little about him: He’s 31, a workaholic engineer who makes over six figures. Although that’s wonderful for him, that’s not why I’m interested. He and I would both agree that we have such an amazing connection. Neither of us can truly explain it. We want each other so badly and our sex is phenomenal. Nothing like either of us has had before.
So what’s the problem? I don’t even know. This man is terrified to commit. He will speak to me for a few days, vanish from anywhere for a few weeks to a few months. He just does not speak to me. I get so unbelievably angry with him. He always blames it on his job because he’s so committed to it or that I scare him because he knows what a good fit I am. Which I can understand, but this has happened more times than I can count and I’m sick of it. I can’t stay away from him now. I’ve not seen him in two years because he relocated for work, and we’re now three hours apart. He always mentions that he wants to see me on the weekend, but when the weekend gets here, he’s nowhere to be found. He didn’t speak to me for almost three days, and I messaged him several times trying to find an answer – no reply.
Dawn Serra: Just a few days prior, he ordered me this g-spot and clit vibrator that was almost $300, and said he wanted to use it on me. I sent him a message telling him, ‘Thank you,’ when it arrived. He finally answered, and he completely blew up on me for the last few days that I tried to message him, calling me needy. I felt speechless and misunderstood, and I really didn’t know what to say. I don’t feel like I’m being needy, but more so demanding respect. I hate being ignored. I think it’s rude and cowardly. It would be one thing if he’s only done this once, but it happens every time we speak. I’m so confused, Dawn. Any advice? Thank you so much. Emma.”
Oh, Emma. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m so sorry that he is such a complete jackass. Basically, what he’s doing is shit-tastic, and there is no way around that at all. If someone is interested in you, then they prioritize you. If someone cares about you, they prioritize you. If someone is actually invested in you and respects you, and wants to treat you with dignity, then they’ll show up, and they’ll care about your feelings, They’ll follow through on their promises. And he’s not doing any of those things.
Dawn Serra: I think that he likes the power. I think he likes knowing that you’re there without him actually having to do any of the hard work that’s involved with following through on his commitments. So even though the sex is amazing and you feel like you have an amazing connection, what I’m hearing here is a totally abusive manipulator that is taking advantage of you, who only talks to you when he wants to, who buys you things to try and keep you interested, and then totally freaks out when you don’t behave the way that he wants you to behave.
All of that is to say, I think this man doesn’t deserve a single minute of your time. You’ve spent three or four years only seeing him a handful of times, and he’s not participating at a level that feels good for you. I know it’s so hard when we find someone that we have an amazing connection with, and we have incredible sex with. It feels like we can’t let it go. That’s because our brains are actually behaving the way that our brains behave when we’re on cocaine. This new relationship energy that happens for all of us when we first get into one of these very hot relationships. NRE can last for years, if we’re not seeing each other very often. It’s the exact same brain responses when you’re on cocaine, which is why we tend to make terrible decisions, and why we tend to not really stick by our boundaries and our worth, when we’re in this situation because we feel completely intoxicated. Like if we let this thing go, it’s going to be horrible, and we’ll never find anything like it again. None of those things are true.
Dawn Serra: I don’t care that he’s a workaholic. I don’t care how much money he makes. I don’t care that he’s great in bed. He’s treating you terribly. There are so many other people out there who will give you their time and their energy, who will follow through on their commitments, who won’t disappear for weeks or months, which is completely inexcusable, if that’s not something that you’ve previously negotiated. There’s literally nothing redeeming about what you’ve shared.
My advice to you, Emma, is to proudly, proudly kick this guy to the curb. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone who isn’t going to yank you around and try and manipulate you and control you, and then blow up at you when you’re actually asking for check ins and information about what’s going on. So fuck him. Let him go. This is not how you treat someone when you respect them. It’s pretty clear to me he does not respect you.
Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being part of the show. You deserve so much better than this. Believe me, so much better is out there. You don’t deserve to be ignored, and he’s ignoring you. He’s doing everything on his terms, and that’s completely shitty. So good luck. I hope that you find someone who is much better to you.
We’ll dive into the next listener question. I actually got two questions that were very similar, just about a week apart. The first one says, “Hey, Dawn! I’m a big fan of your podcast. I’ve been listening to you for a while now, and I’ve enjoyed how much you’ve opened my eyes to different lifestyles. I have a quick question about what your opinion is on raising kids around having a sex positive family. When I have kids, I want them to not be scared to have conversations about sex, and I want them to be more educated and informed than how I was growing up.
Dawn Serra: It wasn’t till I was 15 years old that I found out the penis had to be inserted into the vagina to be considered penetration. I know a lot of parents don’t want to have the birds and the bees talk with their kids at a young age. But I think sex shouldn’t be a hidden thing when they’re entering into their teen years. What do you think? How would you raise your kids by talking to them about sex? Thanks much. Maddie.”
A few days before your email came in, Maddie, I got an email from someone from Brazil that says, “Dear Dawn. After listening to your podcasts for a while, I wanted to let you know that it feels like a great privilege to have become one of your Patreon supporters. It feels great to be able to support you with more than my welcome ears, heart, and mind, and to show you how much I appreciate the awesome work here.”
First of all, thank you so much to you for supporting me on Patreon. Every single time I get a pledge, I swear to God, I do a happy dance.
Dawn Serra: Then the email continues – “You’ve helped me and are helping me in so many ways to revisit what sex and my body mean to me, and what sex means in our culture. After listening to your podcast with Rachel Hills, I bought “The Sex Myth,” and I have found it so enlightening. As a mother of three children – ages 8, 11, and 13 – I worry about how to help them not succumb to the harmful myths and taboos around sex and experiencing pleasure. And the fairy tale we propagate as a culture that somehow “real love” or “really great sex” just happens. If it does and just appears, somehow we don’t deserve it.
I love all your talk about permission, and you’re insisting on the reality that great sex requires being able to open up to great potentially difficult and awkward conversations. I have all sorts of hangups and issues to work through around sex, permission, and relationships. I would so love for my children not to find themselves in the place I am a few decades down the road. I want to be able to help give them the tools and skills that they need to take ownership of their own bodies and experiences, and be able to look forward to a lifetime of healthy positive, respectful and responsible sex and relationships. But where do I start? After more assertively opening up the proverbial can of worms, what next?
Dawn Serra: Based on another of your podcasts, I purchased Anastasia Higginbotham’s book, “Tell Me About Sex, Grandma,” though I haven’t yet explored it with any of my kids. I would love your recommendations about other resources that I and they could explore and discuss together and alone. You certainly don’t need to mention me in your podcast, but I would love to hear your thoughts on helping children and teens to navigate sex positively. Thank you so much. much for your continued passion and drive to learn and help others learn about all that is real sex.”
I love these questions. Both of you, I love that you’re thinking about these things and the struggles that you had, and the impact that it could have on your kids, and how to navigate the spaces that are so complicated. Because none of us lives in a vacuum. We all know that. But it can feel really difficult in our own lives when we’re trying to push against the current. That is this great big river of crap that we’re all swimming in when it comes to our bodies and our voices and sex and relationships. We have to wake up every single day and recommit and relearn and reheal. It’s not a one time thing. I love that you’re thinking about these things and how to offer them to your kids.
Dawn Serra: The first thing I want to recommend is, Anastasia Higginbotham actually has a couple of other books, and there’s going to end up being six, I think, in the whole series of, “Ordinary Terrible Things.” “Tell Me About Sex, Grandma,” is the third book. You can get two other books about divorce and death.
I think they’re all really important, even though what we’re talking about is sex. Because what the books are doing are giving the adult and the young person an opportunity to actually talk about really tough things, to talk about big feelings and complicated situations, and honoring the things that are happening for young people in these complicated spaces. That kind of discussion is exactly the kind of discussion that young people need to practice from the youngest of ages, so that they can navigate those discussions as they get older with so much more ease. Anastasia has three others that are coming out down the road, so definitely keep your eye open for those. But I would recommend all of the books in that series.
Dawn Serra: I also would highly recommend Cory Silverberg books. The first one is “What Makes a Baby.” It is a perfect book for six to seven year olds, five to seven year olds. Just at that age when they’re starting to ask questions about maybe bodies and where babies come from. It’s a beautiful book that is completely free of assumptions about the types of families that kids might come from, the types of bodies that parents might have or caregivers might have. It’s a really, really, really great look at all the different ways that we can make family. But it helps to just start giving young people a way to engage with questions and with an adult in a really safe creative space.
Again, that’s what we want. When we’re talking about breaking down these cultural myths and these really terrible toxic messages we get, a huge part of it is learning how to have conversation, and how to be awkward at conversation, and learning how to figure out what you’re feeling and what you want to say.
Dawn Serra: One of the amazing things about both Anastasia and Cory Silverberg books is they help you to engage in that space, where as an adult, you might actually say, “I don’t know, I’ll have to think about that.” Or, “That’s not what I learned when I was growing up. But I sure want you to learn that.”
I think the most important thing we can do for our young people is to help them find their words, and to name their experiences, and to see them as valid and important. Because culturally, what we do is we teach people that their voices and their experiences aren’t important, and that they shouldn’t share them, especially if they diverge from what everyone considers “normal.” So the more we can teach young people that that actually isn’t important, that their experiences are what’s important, and teaching them the trust, that’s how we start getting these really powerful, strong empowered individuals who can then stand in these awkward conversations and not run from them or feel terrified by them.
Dawn Serra: The other book that Cory Silverberg has that’s for the preteen phase, I’d say nine to twelve year olds is, “Sex is a Funny Word.” It talks about gender and genitals and consent, and talking about these things. It includes bodies that are disabled and queer and fat. It’s this beautiful book that the first time I read it, actually made me cry. Because if I had had a book like that growing up, it would have changed so many things for me. But I highly recommend both of those books.
As your kids start getting a little bit older, a fantastic resource is always Scarleteen. I will link to all of these things on Sex Gets Real for this episode, so don’t worry about writing it all down or remembering it while you’re listening. But Scarleteen is definitely for teenagers. It’s something you might want to start exploring together when they’re 13, 14. But then knowing that they can go there as they get into high school years and seeing it as a safe, trusted, worthy resource that has some of the best information, I think, out there for young people around sex and gender and bodies.
Dawn Serra: There are some peer-led forums, and then also articles by people who teach to young people. Nadine Thornhill, of course, has amazing resources on her website. She specifically teaches parents how to navigate sex and sex positivity with their kids. She has some wonderful YouTube videos. So totally check out Nadine’s work because that might just help you along the way, and also just be someone that you can ping and talk to.
John Gottman, who is really well-known for a lot of his work around marriages, has also done a lot of work with children. He’s got a book called, “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,” I believe. I’m not looking at the exact title, but I believe that’s what it’s called. That could be a really fantastic resource as well. Because when we’re talking about sex, it’s not really the sex that’s the issue. It’s being afraid of our bodies. It’s not understanding our edges. It’s not understanding what feels good for us, and then how to say yes to those things, and how to say no to those things. It’s not knowing how to engage with others, and to really be able to set those boundaries, to ask for what you want, and to be able to say what you don’t want.
Dawn Serra: I think a huge part of raising sex positive kids is from the earliest age that you possibly can, knowing that it’s never too late to change the conversation. But from the earliest of ages, if we can talk about bodies and make kids realize that every single part of their body is theirs, and that no one part is more special or weird or bizarre than the other, so that they have this feeling of full autonomy and sovereignty that every part of their body is theirs and special and beautiful. Not shaming kids around exploring their bodies. Giving them an age appropriate resources to have conversations. The more you can model having those awkward conversations, the better they’re going to be at being resilient around them.
Then the emotional intelligence piece, like how do we help young people get over the fear of rejection, and to see that they can survive when things don’t feel good. And to let them know, “I will love you when you’re sad. I will love you when you’re mad. I will love you when you feel unworthy. I will love you when you mess up.” All of those tools help give young people their resilience, so that when they get into situations and they have to say no to someone or they have to maybe stop a sexual encounter in the middle of it, they have that underlying understanding that they’re still lovable and worthy, even when they do or say a hard thing. So I think that’s critical, is just helping them to model that.
Dawn Serra: Then, of course, talking to them about pleasure. We are so terrified that if we talk about pleasure with young people that they’re going to go off on some hedonistic adventure. That is just not borne out by the research over and over and over and over again. When we talk to kids about the fact that their bodies are built for pleasure, and they are allowed to experience them and explore them on their own terms, that they are allowed to ask questions about pleasure and be in pleasure, and also to help them learn how to navigate boundaries, and understanding their body is their own, that’s where so many of us as adults just don’t know how to have that conversation because we don’t even know what we want. No one’s ever asked us and helped us to cultivate that.
There’s a couple of other resources that I will put on the website for you so that you can check that out. But the fact that you’re even asking these questions, to both of you who wrote in, puts you way ahead of the rest of the pack when it comes to how we engage with sex and bodies and relationships and our kids. Because it’s really not about the sex. It’s about all the stuff that we need in order to be able to actually engage on our own terms, in our own bodies, when it feels really hard to do that. That’s where we get eked out.
Dawn Serra: Because it’s not actually about the penis and vagina stuff. Which, of course, if you start talking to them about their bodies and how they’re feeling and things they want to know, then when it comes to actually offering information about the actual acts of sex, it’s so much easier than just out of the blue, trying to do the birds and the bees. But even more than that, is arming them with those tools of self-worth and resilience, and understanding their own edges and where they begin and end. That is priceless.
So thank you for asking this question. Be sure to head to the website for this episode, and grab all those resources, books and Nadine’s links. I will have a couple of other things – Scarleteen. Just make sure that you’re constantly making information available to them.
Dawn Serra: Also, let kids know that it doesn’t have to be you that they talk to. It can be a trusted adult. Then talk to all the other adults in their life, and let them know your values and what you’re trying to teach the kids. So that if for some reason your kids reach out to an aunt or an uncle or to a teacher, you as the parent have already had that conversation with those trusted adults about what you’re trying to make clear to them. Then, those adults can decide if they can align with those values or send them to some other resource. But have those conversations with the grown ups too, so that you can actually create a community of support, and it’s not just you by yourself chipping away. Thank you for those wonderful questions.
I got a question from someone who wants to talk about threesomes and herpes. It says, “Good morning, Dawn. I’m reaching out because I recently heard one of your Sex Gets Real episodes and found it very raw and straight to the point, which I loved. I’m seeking advice on how I can get around to meeting someone to join in a threesome. I would like to give you an insight onto my relationship.
Dawn Serra: I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two years. We have a healthy, open, honest, trusting, open relationship. However, in my relationship, my boyfriend sees other people, and I’m a little bit more loyal to him. I’m fine with the way our relationship works. But I do find myself frustrated because although I don’t seek intimacy with anyone else, I do want to bring another woman into my relationship because I want to enjoy sexual pleasure with someone else the same way that my boyfriend does.
The real issue though is I have genital herpes, and my boyfriend doesn’t. We’re very careful, and we protect each other. Our intimacy is healthy and erotic. I guess my question is, “How do I go about finding a third party for us with my herpes? Where do I find such a person? Do you know any websites or good hookup places, because I want to be able to enjoy my life to the fullest? I’m not ashamed of my STD. I accept it for what it is. I’m open to tell my story with no shame or regret, but I need some help. Thank you and have a blessed day.”
Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for writing in. I love that you are very open about your herpes status. So many lovely wonderful, sexy, delicious people in the world have either herpes 1 or herpes 2. It’s super common. I love that that’s something that you’re really open about, and that you and your boyfriend navigate.
When it comes to finding other people to be a part of your relationship, whether it’s for a one-time threesome or an ongoing triad situation, the best thing that you can do is just be really open and to be armed with information. Then to allow people to decide for themselves. Herpes is pretty common. So for people who are moderately open to dating multiple people, they’re probably going to have encountered people who have herpes or HPV. Being able to talk about barriers and tests and gloves and all that kind of stuff is just going to be a really great practice to be able to talk about. So let them choose. I don’t think that’s a huge deal.
Dawn Serra: I think what’s interesting is that you’re very specific about what you’re looking for. You know, the kind of the trope that is open relationships is a committed couple who wants to find that elusive third woman to be part of their relationship. That’s why they’re called unicorns because it’s the thing everybody wants, and then it’s very hard to find. I’ll just say you can absolutely find people who are interested in non-monogamy and open relationships on OkCupid. Definitely on Tinder. Just be really open in your profile about what you’re looking for, who you’re looking for, how you’re going to find them. Maybe get involved with local swinger communities and poly communities, meetup at poly munches, which are just get-togethers where everyone talks and hangs out. You can do the same thing with the kink community,
But when you want to find someone to actually date and engage with, you have to just start putting yourself out there. So that might be OkCupid with an updated profile for both you and your boyfriend – in a single profile shows that you’re a couple. It might be going out to some classes or meetups with non-monogamous folks and swingers, and just getting to know people and see who’s out there in your area and what’s going on.
Dawn Serra: I think the most important thing to remember is that it’s really, really, really easy when you are in a committed relationship – like the one that you’re in – to mistreat and abuse a third. If you are just bringing them in because you want to even the score, because you’re feeling left out, because you want to make things kind of exciting, and it’s about you and your boyfriend, that is not taking that third person as a full human being with feelings, who might have feelings for one of you more than the other or who might want to have a different kind of engagement with the two of you than you’ve already thought of.
I think it’s good to know, “I’d love to find a third, and here’s what I’m looking for.” But also just keep in mind that if you do bring someone else into your existing relationship, you now are in relationship with that person too. You need to really keep their needs and wants and desires and feelings at the top of your mind, and not see them as this little toy or this way to just make your existing relationship more fun. Because that’s a really shitty way to treat a human being.
Dawn Serra: Also, be open to other things. Maybe it’s another couple. Maybe it’s a queer person or a trans person. Maybe it’s, who knows? I would say just get out and start meeting people, even just as friends. If you can have lots of other people who are in open relationships as friends, I think it makes this space so much easier to just navigate and talk about and commiserate about. Also, so that you can find out where the next party is happening or where the next super awesome meetup is going on, that you might meet some really interesting people who are practicing solo polyamory or relationship anarchy, who might want to be a part of your relationship.
Put yourself out there online, go to some in person events, build some community, and be open about your herpes status. Ask what would make people feel comfortable and sexy about it, and go from there. I think that you’re definitely on the right track. You just have to kind of ask yourself some questions, put yourself out there, and hopefully something magical will happen. Thank you so much for writing in, and good luck on your adventure.
Dawn Serra: OK. I got an email from someone named Lindsay. The subject line, “Being watched.” “My boyfriend and I want to be watched during sex. We’ve done this one time, and it was really hot. My question is, how do you approach other people to ask them to watch you? This has been our only hang up because anybody we think might be interested, we don’t really know how to approach. Thanks!”
Well, the first thing that I want to offer, Lindsey, is have you considered camming? That could be really fun. If you and your boyfriend really like being watched, then maybe you could take it online. You can absolutely wear masks or keep your face out of the picture, if you don’t want to be potentially captured online. Because anytime you do anything online, it’s forever. But I know a lot of people who have exhibitionist fantasies and really liked being watched, who do stuff online in front of a camera, either on Skype or as part of a cam site. Don’t rule that out. That could be a really fun thing for you to explore.
Dawn Serra: I also want to offer, Carol Queen has this really great book called, “Exhibitionism for the Shy.” If you’re into being watched and showing off, that might be a really fun book that just gives you some ideas around being an exhibitionist and ways to explore that.
As for finding people to watch you, my guess is, if you were really upfront about wanting someone to watch you, and then put a profile up on Tinder or put a profile up or post up on Craigslist, there’s a lot of people… Or FetLife. Go to FetLife, and do that for your local area. I can’t imagine you’re going to have a hard time finding someone who isn’t going to want to watch you. Of course, you’re going to have to navigate what else might be involved. Is it literally that they just sit in the corner, and they watch you and your boyfriend. Then they jerk off, and that’s it? Is it that they watch you through a window?
Dawn Serra: Figure out what it is that you find hot, and then just put out there in a couple of different spaces where folks engage sexually with each other – so FetLife, Tinder, OkCupid, even AdultFriendFinder – and say that’s what you’re looking for. Then let people respond to that. You can approach them as well and say, “Hey, this is what we’re looking for,” – you’re interested in. You might get lots of nos, but you’re going to get nos even if you don’t ask. So you might as well ask and see what happens.
If there’s someone really specific that you’re interested in, I think there’s ways to approach that conversation, of just finding out what types of things they’re interested in, and if they’ve ever done anything sexually adventurous. Of course, it depends on the relationship you have with that person – Is that a really close friend, where you’ve talked about sex before? Or, is it someone you just know, so approaching them around sex might seem really shocking? You have to kind of gauge that.
Dawn Serra: But I think that going online is going to be a really easy way for you to just start vetting folks. Of course, if you put an ad on FetLife or you create a profile on OkCupid saying, “This is what you’re looking for,” you might get crickets. But you also might get 50 people raising their hand, and then you get to do the thing that’s true of any kind of sexual negotiation, and learn a little bit more about them and who they are, and maybe me up for coffee, talk about a little bit and decide who feels like a good fit and who doesn’t.
In the meantime, what are other ways that you can scratch that itch while you’re doing that? Is it filming yourselves on camera, but not putting it online? Is it filming yourselves and wearing a mask and putting it online? Is it going to a sex club or a dungeon and having sex in a public area where sex is encouraged? You don’t have to play with other people, if you go to a play party or if you go to a dungeon. You can absolutely go to a play party or a dungeon where there’s sexual activities happening and just the two of you play with each other. Of course, people are going to watch. That’s part of the reason why people go, is to see what other people are doing and to watch hot things happening. That could be another fun way to just explore being watched and having sex in a space with other people who are having sex. Then you might actually meet people who are super into that and know how to talk about it.
I hope that’s helpful. I think the fact that you and your boyfriend have talked about this and have already done it once, means you’re on the right track. So good luck, experiment, try all the things, and report back.
Dawn Serra: This next email comes from Tori. The subject line says, “I don’t want my sexual past to decide my future.” “I’ve had so many negative experiences when it comes to sex. Sexual activities were enjoyable, but I’ve never felt satisfied, and rarely would anyone even be capable of bringing me to orgasm. Many partners were selfish in bed, and I was too green and nervous to bring up what I would like done or have changed. I’ve had male and female play partners, and I’ve tried to explore all shapes and sizes. Yet I’ve never really enjoyed sex. I feel sexual and horny, and have no problems playing with myself. But when trying to experience pleasure with a partner, I get too wrapped up in my head.
To add hesitation, I’m also a two-time rape survivor. Both men were men I was dating. Needless to say, I have trust issues and lack confidence in my own decision-making ability. It’s been a few years, but I never think it will leave me entirely. Now, I’m in a happy, healthy relationship. But due to my past, I’ve asked to keep things slow. Six months in, we’ve had no intercourse, but I’ve performed oral on him, and he has touched me. I feel I’m ready to start to explore intercourse. But I’m super nervous. I’m worried I might get triggered or may end up not enjoying it and that having a negative impact on our relationship. I 100% know that if I said no or stop, he would oblige. But how do I open up about my past and my worries without putting a lot of pressure on? I feel like it’s a big deal for me. But I don’t want to make it a big intimidating thing for us to move forward with.”
Dawn Serra: Tori, I so feel you as someone who is a multiple rape survivor, and who has had that happen inside of a relationship with someone I thought I could trust it can really fuck with you. The first thing I want to offer is, I have been in and out of therapy here and there over the years. I, over the past couple of months, have started working with a somatic experiencing therapist. Somatic experiencing is specifically for helping folks with trauma and PTSD. It’s a wonderful, wonderful therapy modality for rape survivors. While I’m very new in the process, I have a friend who is getting certified in it who is not my therapist, because that would be weird. But I have a friend who’s a year into training with it, who’s also a rape survivor and had amazing success. And I’ve talked to other people who have had a number of traumas, who have had amazing success with somatic experiencing.
I just want to offer that as a tool that you might want to explore in your journey of wanting to integrate and to find new ways to engage with your trauma and your distrust. Consider that as an option. It’s been amazing for me, and I haven’t even really started to scratch the surface of the trauma. We’re just laying the groundwork for it, but I’m already just feeling so hopeful about what it could mean for me afterwards. We never owe someone an explanation about our trauma, unless we feel like it’s a safe thing to do.
That said, I think it’s so important for us to disclose to the people that we’re close to, especially the people we might be physically intimate with, what’s happened to us. Because then they can decide how they want to engage with that as well. Can they show up for us? Because let me tell you, if you’re with someone and they can’t handle you, you don’t want to find that out when you are in the middle of being triggered and halfway through sex. That would potentially be so much more traumatizing and cause so much more damage. That’s the kind of permission you want before you put yourself in a potentially vulnerable situation.
Dawn Serra: So if you’re worried about getting triggered and you’re worried about things having a negative impact on your relationship because you’re committed to this person, then that conversation needs to happen before you get naked and engage in the intercourse. Your partner needs to decide. He can show up for you in that way, and create that space for you where you feel safe. That’s how consent works on both sides right.
Now, you don’t have to give any gory details. You don’t have to go away into your trauma. Sometimes talking about what we’ve been through causes more trauma. So you certainly don’t have to do that to yourself. But what you can do is let him know you’ve got some stuff that you would really like to share with him as much feels safe. It’s a big part of the reason why you’ve needed to go somewhere. You can let them know you really want to experience more sexually with him. But before you do that, you need some help around just feeling supported and safe. Can you talk about that? Can we explore that together, and see if he opts in. If he does, then share as much feels good.
Dawn Serra: It can take many, many conversations over a long period of time before the whole story comes out, if that’s even what you want to do. But it can be as simple as, “I’m a survivor. I don’t really want to share the details because I’m not in a place where I can do that right now. But I want you to know that I trust you, and I really like where this is going. Here are the things that I’m scared of. Here are some of the things that I think might make this a little bit more fun for both of us.” Then brainstorm and collaborate, and make it a place that’s creative and fun. This is a way for you to build connection for the two of you in your relationship, is when you get to be creative and create together around these spaces and these issues and these problems.
So invite him in around, “What happens if I do get triggered?” Or, what’s the thing you can do between where you’ve been and where you’d like to go? What’s the midpoint between oral on him and him touching you and going all the way to intercourse? Is it masturbating in front of each other? Because you said you really don’t have any problem giving yourself pleasure and playing with yourself. So maybe it’s mutual masturbation. Maybe being naked together, orgasming together or offering yourselves pleasure is a really wonderful way to just be sexually with each other. Maybe it’s getting halfway in and negotiating ahead of time that you’ll stop and check in.
Dawn Serra: Also, sometimes we don’t know how we’re going to react until we’re in the moment. That’s how trauma works. It’s not very linear. You might feel great. You might have sex. You might have intercourse, and then you might have more intercourse. Then you could have more intercourse. Then the tenth time in, massive trigger and something just terrible comes up for you. That’s OK. That’s kind of how trauma works. It sometimes sneaks up and surprises us, and we don’t know when and where it’s going to happen. If you can just work with him around navigating the potential, and if he can show up and say, “I’d love to do that with you, and let’s make this fun,” then I think you probably have a really good partner that can support you through this.
I know you’re also worried about maybe not enjoying the sex. I think you just have to really decide what does enjoying it look like for you? Just because every single story that’s out there about intercourse is that a penis and vagina feels amazing. Guess what? It doesn’t feel amazing for everybody. So maybe that’s you. Maybe it only feels amazing in a very specific context with a very specific fantasy playing. Or maybe it only feels really good when you also have a magic wand buried in your clit. So think about what enjoying it looks like.
Dawn Serra: If you can’t find the words, then maybe exploring it with him a little bit, is what that looks like. Maybe it’s a sensual massage, maybe it’s practicing tantra. Maybe it’s role playing. Maybe it’s getting super kinky. Who knows? But “enjoying” it, your version of that might not look like anybody else’s, which doesn’t mean it’s bad or broken. or wrong, but it does mean it’s yours. So giving yourself a chance to just think through, like, “When I think about pleasurable sex, what might that look like?” Then start playing in that space.
I think one of the things that we do is we put pressure on ourselves that sex has to mean a certain thing and intercourse has to feel a certain way. Then when those expectations aren’t met, it feels terrible. Then that takes a toll on the relationship. But if you go in knowing this is just going to be an experiment, and maybe his penis in your vagina isn’t your favorite thing in the world, well, that’s OK. You can still do things that aren’t your favorite thing. Maybe he loves it. But you do get to find the thing that is your favorite thing. Maybe that’s dry humping. Maybe that’s finger banging. Maybe that’s watching porn, and then masturbating yourself to orgasm while he watches. It can be so many things.
Dawn Serra: Just remember you are allowed to explore in this space. You are allowed to feel timid and scared. You are not broken. You are not wrong. You’ve been through experiences that have changed you. And that is the life of a survivor. But use this as a place to be playful and creative and ask for his input. Also let him know, “Here’s some places where I’ve been, and that they haven’t felt really good. So I’m not really sure how this is going to feel. But I really love it if we could play and try lots of different things and positions and toys and scenarios and locations. Just try and find what feels good for me.” And know you can always go back to taking care of yourself because that feels good.
I hope that gives you a jumping off point. I hope that the conversation that you have with your partner goes wonderfully. I hope that he can show up for you in that way, and that he’s excited that you opened up to him. Just know that if, for whatever reason, he decides he needs to opt out, it is not you. It is him. Then you get to move on and find someone who does want to opt in. So play and be patient with yourself. Also, check out somatic experiencing. There’s therapists that do SE all over the world – lots of folks in the US and Canada. That might be a place to explore too if you want to untangle some of the trauma. Thank you so much, Tori. Good luck.
Dawn Serra: We have one last question for this week’s show, and then we will be wrapping up. Don’t forget, you can support the show at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. Every single dollar helps. If you support at the $5 level, then you get amazing karma and access to my audio diary entries that I upload a couple of times a month. Then if you support at the $10 level, you could try on being a sexpert and help me field some of the questions that I get.
So here’s the last question. It’s from Nathan. The subject line is “Chastity belt.” “I’m a male who is really into wearing a chastity belt, and I fantasize about my girlfriend being my key holder, who would tease me constantly and deny me orgasm. The only thing is, I don’t know how to convince her to be my key holder and do this with me. She knows I have the chastity device, but I’m not sure if she would be into trying this. What should I do?”
Dawn Serra: I just shared an amazing response to a question similar to this that Andre Shakti wrote for her “I Am Poly and So Can You,” weekly advice giving blog. Someone wrote in asking how do I convince my girlfriend and a friend of ours to have a threesome. Her response is pretty brutal, but very honest. I will post a link to it on the Sex Gets Real page for this episode, if you want to read it. Because I love it, and I retweeted it.
The word convince gives me a little bit of a yuck. We don’t convince anyone to do anything when it comes to sex. That’s rape. We don’t ever convince someone to do something that they don’t want to do. We don’t manipulate them or coerce them or do anything that makes them feel like they have to or they don’t have a choice or this is the only option. There is no convincing. We do not do that.
Dawn Serra: What you can do though is have an invitation, have a conversation, make an ask, maybe spend some time negotiating, maybe bringing it up and letting her sit with it for a while, and then circling back a couple months down the road and just checking in and seeing where she is. Having information at the ready, so that maybe, if she’s really not sure what that means, you can show her with some articles or some erotica or some porn.
She knows you have the chastity device, and you’re not sure if she would be into trying it. Well, the only way to know is to actually ask. There’s a lot of ways that you can ask. You can watch some porn or read some erotica together that involves a chastity device and find out what she thinks about it. You can be super brave and just say, “OK. I have this thing that I’ve been fantasizing about, and I’m super scared that you’re going to judge me. But I just want to put it on the table. If you have questions, let me know. If it’s just an absolute no, also let me know, and then we can just kind of go from there.” Then let her know what you’re interested in.
Dawn Serra: I think it’s also important to just realize that sometimes when we’re with people, the things we fantasize about aren’t the things they’re going to be interested in. That doesn’t make our fantasy. It doesn’t mean we’re wrong for having it. It might mean though, that it just lives in our head and in our bodies, and in the porn that we watch, and in the ways we engage with ourselves. It might mean opening up your relationship. It might mean getting really creative. Instead of wearing a chastity device, negotiating something else with her, where she teases you.
Allow this to be a place where you’re creative, and you’re asking questions, and you’re allowing something to be created together. Because if you just cling way too tightly to this very specific fantasy, one, the expectation is just going to feel super shitty. But two, the likelihood that someone else can deliver on your specific fantasy is very small. And that just feels terrible. So use this as a jumping off point rather than an end point.
Dawn Serra: Just remember, you never want to convince someone to do something when it comes to sex and their bodies and the way they engage with you. But what you can do is make it an invitation and an ongoing discussion and decide to be the courageous one that opens up and offers this vulnerable piece of yourself. If she totally shuts you down and shames you, that gives you a lot of information about the kind of person she is. And that’s probably not someone you want to be in a relationship with. But if she holds that information and thinks about it, and still decides, “You know, I don’t think this is something I’m interested in,”well, you can always circle back, a year or two down the road.
Don’t pass to her. But make this a place where maybe you can have some fun – “Maybe it’s not the chastity belt, but what’s something we can do instead? What are some other things we could play with? Have you ever wanted to try rope?” Maybe you could do something with rope and a little temporary rope/chastity belt while she teases you. Or there’s so many things, but you are going to have to be brave enough to initiate that conversation and to let her in. Otherwise, you’ll never find out.
Dawn Serra: And that would also be a shame to never have asked. Because what if the answer is yes. What if the answer is, “I would try that.” You only find out by asking. So good luck, Nathan. I hope that the conversation goes well. I hope that she’s interested. I hope that the two of you find a super fun way to play in this space and to create something delicious that works for the both of you.
Thank you so much for listening, everybody. I will, of course, be back next week. I have an amazing interview with Jaclyn Friedman that I’ve been sitting on for weeks because she has a new book coming out soon called, “Unscrewed.” Of course, we wanted the episode and our chat to go around the time that her book was getting released, so that you didn’t have to hear all this fucking amazing stuff about the book, but then you couldn’t get the book because that would be shitty. That’s coming out really soon. I’m going to be having Barbara Carrellas on to talk about tantra super soon.
Dawn Serra: Of course, send me your questions. I’m going to be doing more episodes where I answer your questions because you have been flooding me with them, and I want more. Head to sex dawnserra.com, use the contact form, send me what you got. Also, don’t forget to support me on Patreon, and keep your eyes peeled. Because probably in the next week or so, I will be releasing an online workshop that’s on demand. You can take it anytime you want, all about porn. So stay tuned, and I’ll talk to you next week. Bye.