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This week it’s you and me and all your emails. Let’s dive in.
Ariyanna wrote in about how the show changed her life. Coleman, too! Yay for learning from this show.
Jess needs help finding BDSM porn that isn’t extreme or just about the fucking. She wants sensual, intimate, connected porn that is also kinky. Where can she turn? I have a few suggestions, including EroticFilms.com. That’s my affiliate link, and all the films on the website are curated by Erika Lust, so most of them are super sensual. Also, check out Jackie St. James, Crashpad, and Madison Young.
Johnny wrote in wanting to give his partner an orgasm. He says all his previous partners orgasmed from penetration alone (which I highly doubt). But his current girlfriend has never had an orgasm and he NEEDS to give her one because he’s horrified. Long time listeners know this is one of those questions that gets me up on my soapbox, so let’s talk about why orgasm is NOT the goal of sex. Also, the fastest way to not orgasm is to expect an orgasm. I have some big thoughts for Johnny, all of which I’m sure he won’t like.
Broad City Broad wants to know how she can find high quality lovers who actually want intimacy and connection, even if it’s not a romantic relationship. How did I do it? A lot of it was luck, but being honest in your dating profile is a big part of finding good lovers. I share a few more thoughts.
Greeney is struggling because she recently broke off a 10 year monogamous relationship. She developed a relationship with a polyamorous man, who just recently moved away. She’s rekindling her relationship with the monogamous ex and wants to try and make all of it work. My thoughts? Don’t. Hiding & lying as a way to claim you’re trying not to hurt someone aren’t the way to not hurt someone.
Darkness Wonderer is worried that the sex with her partner is sporadic and that she gets turned on by women. Is she secretly a lesbian? Should their sex be more consistent? Why doesn’t she want sex like she used to? There’s a lot to unpack.
A high school sophomore wants to ask out bisexual junior. How can he find out whether she prefers women or men and how to ask her out. Ahhh high school.
Follow Dawn is on Instagram.
About Dawn Serra
Dawn Serra is a therapeutic Body Trust coach and pleasure advocate. As a white, cis, middle class, queer, fat, survivor, Dawn’s work is a fiercely compassionate invitation for each of us to deepen our relationships with our bodies and our pleasure as an antidote to the trauma, disconnection, and isolation so many of us feel. Your pleasure matters. Your body is wise. Dawn’s work is all about creating spaces and places for you to explore what that means on your terms. To learn more, visit dawnserra.com or follow Dawn on Instagram.
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Episode Transcript
Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!
Hey there, listeners. It’s just you and me this week, and I’m actually recording late on a Saturday evening. The bar downstairs is lively with some music. So you might hear some people jolly and making their way home after a few drinks. I have the windows flung open. Because it’s so beautiful that I didn’t want to miss out on all the fresh air, even if it makes this sound a little rough around the edges. I’m so excited to talk with you this week. There’s so many questions I have in the backlog. I’m going to try and get through as many as I can today. There are some good ones.
Dawn Serra: I’m also really excited because this week’s episode is sponsored by mylola.com. So Lola, if you haven’t heard about it, is one of those delivery services that is similar to the food delivery you can get now or the makeup delivery, but it is all products for your period. I actually had a chance to try some of them out – they sent me a box of their tampons – and it was actually so fun. I took a whole bunch of pictures. I’m going to put them on my Instagram, if you want to check it out. But it came in this little, teeny box that was really discreet, and then when you open the box, you actually have this really pretty little blue and white box that says Lola on it. Then inside, there’s a funny little quote about getting you through the week. But I’m so excited that they’re sponsoring because I’m sure all of you are very interested in sexual health.
I’ve actually been talking with Lola a lot and learning about their product. It was founded by women, and it’s 100% organic cotton. You can choose between a box of pads or a box of tampons, with or without applicators, a box of liners. You can totally customize what comes in the box, how many kinds of pads, and how many different kinds of tampons. Unfortunately, as we know, the FDA doesn’t require brands that create personal products like this to actually list all their ingredients for period products. That’s not a surprise because we have that same issue with products like lube and what’s in our sex toys.
Dawn Serra: Lola is actually this awesome thing where you just sign up for your monthly service. You don’t have to go shopping for your stuff anymore. It arrives at your door exactly what you want. It’s pretty affordable. The cool thing is you can change your skip month whenever you want, so you’re not locked into always getting it every month, if you want to take a
Because they’re sponsoring, you get 60% off your first order. All you have to do is go to mylola.com, and enter promo code SGR for Sex Gets Real – so SGR. When you subscribe, that gets you 60% off. So give them a try. See what you think. You can actually pause your subscription if you’re not sure. But I think you’re going to really enjoy it because I super love just getting this cute little box in the mail that has everything that I needed for this month period.
Dawn Serra: No matter what your gender is or how you feel about it, this could be a really fun way to just get everything you need delivered to your door, and 60% off if you use SGR as your promo code. Be sure to check out my Instagram too because I’ve got a whole bunch of pictures from when I opened the box, and you can see it’s really well-designed and it’s really cute. If you have a period or if someone in your life has a period, and you’re tired of running to the store at the last minute to get the things you need, check out mylola.com.
The other thing I just want to plug really quickly is every other week, me and some really rad folks are getting together and having these bi-weekly calls. I’ve called them Sex is a Social Skill. We’ve talked about things like what it means to feel cherished. This coming week, we’re talking about anger. It’s giving all of us a chance to actually do some really deep self-inquiry and to find new words for things that are on our minds, so that we can be better at navigating our feelings and our relationships and sex and all the stuff that we never get a chance to practice. We get to just hang out and feel rad together. Details on that are in the show notes. So check it out. I’d love to see you there.
Dawn Serra: Now, let’s dive into all of your amazing emails. The first email that I got is from Ariyanna, and it says, “Hi, Dawn! I just wanted to tell you how much your work means to me. Your podcast, the Explore More Summit, and the group on Facebook have given me so much permission to just be myself. I feel like you put so much love and acceptance in the world, and I just wanted to thank you for inspiring me. I’ve recently decided to go back to school for social work. I just want to help create safe spaces for people to feel like they can explore and be themselves like you have helped me to do. I also really appreciate that you acknowledge that people don’t start off knowing everything. It’s really helped me to learn to accept that I will make mistakes, but I can learn and grow from them without beating myself up. Anyways, you’re great. Thank you!”
Thank you so much for writing in, Ariyanna. It meant so much to hear from you and to know that you’re going to be starting this new, exciting adventure, exploring social work, and finding ways to help people and hold space for them. I hope that new adventure offers you everything that you’re looking for and more. We need more people who can make mistakes and be resilient around that, and learn and grow, and show other people that it’s safe to try things and feel things. I love knowing you’re going to be out in the world doing just that.
Dawn Serra: The next email I got is from someone named Jess. The subject line is, “The need for better porn.” “Hey, Dawn! I’ve written in a couple of times and I’m almost caught up on the podcast. I just love your show. I’ve recently gotten into watching porn and I’m feeling less than satisfied. My fiance and I are into BDSM. I like to send him links to hot videos for ideas and/or a little tease for what’s to come. However, I find I have to go through tons of extreme hardcore BDSM videos before finding one that I like. I’m all for people doing what makes them satisfied. But many of the BDSM videos online I come across are hardcore, to the point where the woman looks like she’s in pain and not enjoying it or there isn’t a stitch of intimacy and it’s just straight fucking. I personally want something more sensual with a connection between the partners. I want to watch something that makes me want to be a part of that video, not run away screaming. I’m just tired of looking through so many videos before finding a video with just a hint of that.
I was wondering if you had any recommendations for porn sites that offer what I’m looking for. I’ve looked into Lady Cheeky and I love it, but it’s mostly GIFs or pictures, and I’m looking for videos at the moment. I’m willing to pay. I just don’t want to sign up and give my information away unless it’s worth it, and I trust your opinion. Can’t wait for your response. Love, Jess.”
Dawn Serra: I know exactly what you’re talking about, especially if the places that you’re searching are on the hub sites. There is a lot of stuff out there that doesn’t really work for me when I think of kinky hot scenes. The first thing I’m actually going to recommend isn’t actually porn. It’s the Showtime show by Jacky St. James. Jacky St. James is a feminist pornographer. She actually did a TV show for Showtime last year called “Submission.” It was six episodes, and it was really, really hot. It was legitimate BDSM and kink with power dynamics and rope and mummification, and it was really hot. While it wasn’t straight porn, you’re not going to see actual intercourse. It was really well-done and very sensual. So that might be something you want to check out.
Also, Jacky St. James does have some porn videos that are in a similar vein. There’s “The Submission of Emma Marx.” I think that’s the name of it. But if you look up Jacky St. James, you’ll definitely find something there. Also, I would recommend checking out elsecinema.com. I actually have an affiliate link. That’s a website that Erika Lust maintains. So if you want to use my affiliate link, just click on it in the show notes for this episode. But elsecinema.com is Erika’s attempt to bring together lots of different pornographers who are doing erotic, feminist films and ethical porn. There are a number of videos on there that you can sample and look at that do have some BDSM and some kink elements to them. Erika Lust actually just did one that was all around kink. So definitely check that one out. See if that appeals to you. Then there’s a couple of other porn creators on elsecinema.com that do have that BDSM element. So take a look.
Dawn Serra: You know the hard thing about giving advice for BDSM porn is there’s literally a thousand different ways more. There’s infinite ways that you can do BDSM. So are you into rope? Are you into knives? Are you into wax? Are you into the psychological element? Are you into sadism and masochism? There’s lots of different places that this could go. I think starting with Erika Lust, starting with Jacky St. James, those are great places.
Also, look for performers that are super into BDSM. There’s certainly some pretty intensely kinky scenes in the Crash Pad Series. Now, those are all queer and lesbian couples. If that’s something that turns you on, awesome. If not super awesome, too. But there are definitely people in those films who do some really rough play, who do fisting, who get tied up or held down, so check that out.
Dawn Serra: Then also try and follow the performers who liked doing BDSM. Madison Young has done a lot of BDSM films, some of them with really big sites like kink.com. That may be something you like or it may not be. But check out some of Madison’s stuff. Andre Shakti super loves power dynamics and doing BDSM kinky type stuff in her work. Maybe check out some Andre Shakti films, and just work through and get to know the performers that like doing those films, that you really feel connected to. Because then you can learn when they come out with new things and look at their back catalogue. I hope that gives you a jumping off place of just maybe finding some stuff that’s a little bit less of that super extreme, pushed to the limits, zero intimacy type BDSM porn and gets you into something that’s a little more sensual, a little more interesting for what you’re looking for. I hope that helps. Thank you so much for listening and report back.
Coleman wrote in, and it says, “Dawn, I recently started a new job that requires me to drive over 170 miles a day in a very rural area. The radio stations don’t always come in. I’ve switched to downloading podcasts, which is when I found your show. Because of you, I found FetLife, and I’ve started to feel more comfortable with my sexuality. I’m a bisexual man with some fun kinks in a very red state. I wanted to say thank you for helping me realize that it’s OK to be who I am. I even started seeing somebody after four years of being alone. So thank you, thank you, thank you. A new loyal listener, Coleman.”
Dawn Serra: Yay. You’re so welcome, Coleman. That warms my heart, and I’m so glad that you’re just feeling more comfortable with your sexuality and your kinks. You’re finding places to explore those things. I hope that that adventure continues for you.
Longtime listeners of the show will probably have an idea of how I’m going to answer this next question. Let’s just dive in and see where we end up. Johnny wrote in, and the subject line is, “Women who can’t orgasm.” “Hi, Dawn, I’ve listened to a few of your podcasts and decided to ask you about women who just can’t orgasm. I’m a 25 year old male and having a relationship with a wonderful 21 year old. I heard she never had an orgasm, and it terrified me that she’s never experienced the wonderful wonders of orgasming. She’s had one partner before me for two years, so she’s familiar with sex. I’ve tried everything from fingering, penetrating, licking, and vibrators, but nothing can get her to climax. She’s accepted it, and it’s not a big deal for her. But I would really like her to get the most out of making love. All my previous partners did orgasm during penetration, so I’m in a new strange situation with this girl. What can I do so that she could have the first orgasm of her life? Sex with her is great, orgasm or not. But I love her too much to just stand there and do nothing about this.”
Dawn Serra: OK. A lot of you already know what I’m going to say. Here’s where I want to start. When you say, “All my previous partners orgasm during penetration,” I feel very confident telling you that the likelihood that a number of them, if not all of them, faked orgasms is very high. The human body is not really built to orgasm from penetration alone. Now, if you’re doing lots of mind games, and lots and lots and lots and lots of warm up, and they have the ability to just really get deep into their heads and their fantasies, and get their bodies super primed, then for a lot of people that can happen. But the vast majority of women – and I mean, the vast majority. It’s like 80% of women – cannot orgasm from penetration alone.
Now, if you’re penetrating someone and rubbing their clit or you’re penetrating somebody and holding a vibrator on their clip or doing something else to help with the stimulation, then it’s definitely likely that orgasm happens. But if you’re literally just putting your penis inside of them and moving it around, the likelihood that someone is actually going to orgasm from that is very low. So I wouldn’t use that as a barometer. Even if it’s true to them, expect that same story to happen with partners moving forward is very unfair. Because that’s just not a reality for most folks that have the vulva.
Dawn Serra: Now, something else I want to offer is the last place that orgasm can happen is in a place of expectation. If you’re trying all these tips and techniques and your fingers and your vibrators and you’re licking, and she knows that you’re doing it because you want her to orgasm, you’re basically making it impossible for her to.
Expectation is one of the fastest ways to make an orgasm not happen. Because orgasms can’t be forced. They have to be allowed. The only way to allow an orgasm to happen is to be completely surrendered to everything else that’s going on. Not trying to focus on the thing, and trying to make something happen for someone else.
Dawn Serra: It’s also such a tragedy in our culture that we have tied so much of our sexual value to orgasming. Why is this so important to you? Because I can tell you, it’s not about her. This is not about her. This is about you, and probably tying your sexual success and your story around what kind of a lover you are to whether or not she has an orgasm. So that’s not really about her. I’ve said things like this so many times in the past, and I will keep saying it forever. Your job is not to make her come, and her job is not to make herself come. Your job, if there even is one, when you encounter someone and engage in sex is to simply maximize pleasure in the moment for whatever is going to happen. And that’s not always going to be an orgasm. It’s not always going to be a hard penis. It’s not always going to be easy. Sometimes it’s going to be awkward and weird, and you have to allow that to happen. Otherwise, what you’re doing is you’re going to set her up for starting to perform and pretend. And that’s the last thing you want. That moves you away from connection, away from amazing experiences together and towards trying to meet the demands that you’re placing on her.
Now, of course, we want the people that we love and the people we’re having sex with to have a wonderful time. But to have a goal of any kind other than, “Let’s just be here together and see what happens,” is really difficult for people. There’s just no way someone who’s never had an orgasm is ever going to orgasm knowing that you expect an orgasm or that you want it so badly.
Dawn Serra: So I think the first thing you have to do is completely let go of that. And not just pretend to let go of it. Not just like, “OK. I’m going to stop pressuring her,” but actually let go of that story. It has to be something that you fully, fully get rid of from your mind, from the things you’re bringing to the table because she’s going to still be able to pick up on that if it’s still underneath there, and you’re still secretly wanting it to happen. Instead, just have fun. Get curious about her body. Maybe at some point, if you two are doing something really creative – maybe she’s masturbating herself while you’re in the next room – and she manages to have an orgasm, great!
There are some people who just don’t experience orgasm or who maybe do and don’t know that they have. Because we have these big stories that orgasm is the pinnacle sexual experience. It’s so not for so many people. If you’ve ever heard me talk to Feminista Jones, she’ll tell you, one of the reasons she loves kink is because she can have 90 minutes of intense, intense pleasure. Then The orgasm happens, and it’s like, “Ehh!” That was not the best part of what just happened. It was all the other stuff that happened before it.
Dawn Serra: I think you need to take the pressure off yourself. You need to change the story about what makes sex great. You need to let her be in her body and her experience on her terms, and trust that she’s showing up and enjoying herself. Then maybe if all those things happen, at some point, she might actually experience an orgasm. But to expect it to happen from penetration, nope. To expect it to happen at all, that’s just cruel and making things more difficult for her.
I love that you have this curiosity and that you want her to have a peak experience. But I think you need to just question some of the stories you’re holding about what makes sex great, and what orgasm means. Because it sounds like you put some meaning on orgasm that maybe doesn’t need to be there. If you can let that go, amazing things might start happening. Maybe if the two of you are totally not at all concerned about climax, you’re going to start having all these other really yummy, connected experiences, where you can just totally surrender to the moment, instead of worrying about what’s coming next or what’s not happening. So I hope that’s helpful. I hope that the two of you continue to have great sex and continue to grow together, and stop focusing on the orgasm. Because that’s the last thing you want to do, if you ever want it to actually happen. Good luck, Johnny.
Dawn Serra: Broad City Broad wrote in, and said, “Lover men, Oh, where can they be?” “Hi, Dawn. I recently discovered your podcast and love it so much. I’ve gone back to the beginning episodes with Dylan. Maybe this was addressed along the way, but I wanted to ask how you manage to find your lovely lovers. Like you, I’m looking for ongoing respectful, non-flaky partners to explore various areas of my sexuality with. I feel that the more intimacy grows with a partner, the more trust is established, the better the sex gets. And the more we can have fun exploring new things and pushing our boundaries.
I am not interested in racking up one night stands. I live in New York, and it is serious work to unearth even a single man for this type of relationship. No one seems to have the time to even meet for a drink. Or, maybe words like relationship and intimacy frighten the bunnies away. Please weigh in on where to look for these gem lovers, and even what to write. Thank you.”
Dawn Serra: OK. I will confess that a huge part of what helped me find these lovers was luck. The other thing is, I was really upfront. I mean, brutally upfront in all of my dating profiles of what I was looking for. That I wanted someone that I could have an ongoing intimate encounter with. That I wasn’t necessarily expecting a relationship, but that I had no way was interested in one night stands. That I wanted someone that I could go really deep with and have meaningful exchanges with. That I wasn’t the kind of person that was just going to meet up and bang one out. Super awesome for the folks that are into that. But I think it’s so important to name what you want upfront. And there’s ways to say that in really fun, open ways, not in a judgy – blagh kind of way.
I also think that we have become a culture– I just talked about this on last week’s episode with Rachel Hills. You might want to check out that book, “The Sex Myth,” because it might just give you a little bit of fortification around what you’re experiencing. But we have become a culture that has embraced meaningless, chill sex as showing that we’re super sexually open. I think more and more people are writing into me wanting to know how to have meaningful encounters, and then having no idea how to do it. Because we don’t have any practice. We get to a place where we’ve had lots and lots of just chill encounters and hookups and Tinder experiences. Then when something really meaningful comes along, we haven’t had a chance to actually practice these things. And so we’re struggling and we’re flailing. So you’re not alone in this.
Dawn Serra: The first question I have is, would you be willing to consider somebody that’s outside of New York? If you find that the culture in New York is breeding this situation that doesn’t feel like a good fit, what if it was someone you saw a little less often, but that you had an amazing time with when you did? Maybe somebody who’s in Connecticut or Rhode Island or New Jersey or Pennsylvania. Are you willing to have less frequency if the quality is really amazing?
The other thing that I did was, I put as much of myself into my profiles as I could, to let people know the things that are important to me – having really meaningful friendships, and feeling my feelings, and trying new things. I found that the more I was really honest about who I was and what I wanted, that the people who actually messaged me in a thoughtful way, we’re already somewhat on board with that. Now, of course, I still got 99 out of 100 messages were like, “Hey, what’s up? Down to fuck?” That kind of stuff. You know right away those people didn’t read your profile, and you can just delete them. I think the other thing that– Not that I didn’t get those people.
Dawn Serra: I’ll also tell you, there are a lot of dudes… Now, I’m sure this is true of any gender, but I’m just going to generalize for a minute. Based on my experience, there were a lot of guys who would message me and say they were super interested in what I was talking about. Of course, they wanted this ongoing, meaningful, intimate, adventurous situations. Then at some point during our either chatting online or even meeting in person, it would become super clear that they were just saying whatever they needed to say in order to get laid and weren’t interested in that at all.
So the other thing that I just want to make really clear is trust those little funny feelings and those red flags ahead of everything else. It doesn’t matter how nice they look. It doesn’t matter what words they’re saying. Trust yourself first. And just let those little feelings guide you. Because if, at any point, you start to get that funny little, “Ahmm,” maybe they’re not up for what they say. Or they keep hedging or they’re not offering specifics. Every single time I ignored that, I ended up in a situation I did not want to be in. It does take a little bit of work. It does take a little bit of weeding through a whole bunch of garbage. Because there are some terrible people out there who will lie and do whatever they can to get laid and have sex.
Dawn Serra: Then also just be open. I mean, I was, I don’t know, 32, 31, and some of the lovers that I took that were amazing were in their 50s. If you’d asked me on paper who I was interested in, I probably would have said 25 to 40 year olds. But because I was more interested in actually having the connection, I was willing to let go of some of those on paper things that we get hung up on. It was less important to me what their age was or where they were located or even what their relationship status was. Because it was more interested in the actual human being and the way that we related.
The other thing I want to just say is, if you find someone like Mr. 45. Let’s just talk about Mr. 45. Because he was completely fucking amazing. And this is also true for Alex, who I’m now married to. But the ones who are open with their communication, who write paragraphs of meaningful things that are funny and self-reflective and humble, and admit the places where they’ve made mistakes, and share stories with love and compassion about where they’ve been and the people they’ve known, those are the people that when you get into a bedroom situation, are going to be paying attention and being present and savoring the moment for the most part. Those are the people who are self-aware and know how to say the things that really matter. Because If they can’t communicate with you beyond a couple of sentences here, there or some funny little pickup lines, then they’re probably not going to be very open in an intimate situation to actually really talking about what feels good, and what you need. And growing together, even if it’s not in a serious, intimate, romantic relationship. Having an ongoing sexual relationship with someone does require growth. There are going to be awkward moments. So you want to find someone who’s going to be able to be resilient through that, if that’s the kind of lover that you really want to take.
Dawn Serra: Just ask yourself some questions about what it is that you are really wanting, where you’re willing to compromise on some of the logistics or some of those on paper check marks that we tend to get hung up on. And then just trust your gut, trust your gut, trust your gut. Be really upfront about what it is you’re wanting.
I’ll also say I did not meet a single meaningful connection off of Tinder or Bumble or any of those. I found Mr. 45, believe it or not, on Adult Friend Finder. Everybody can giggle at that. That was amazing. Then I met one of my other lovers on FetLife. I met another one of my lovers on OkCupid. So places that allowed a lot more dialogue and peeking into each other’s lives, so that we are better able to make some really good decisions for ourselves.
Dawn Serra: Broad City Broad, I hope that helps. Know that it can take some time. It can be woefully frustrating and exhausting. It’s OK to take a break, too, if you’re just like, “Oh. Fuck this shit. I’m so over it.” I definitely reached that point a couple of times, too. But just trust that if you keep opening yourself up to the possibilities, you’re going to start finding people who want that too.
Just a quick reminder that Lola, the period home delivery service, is sponsoring this episode so generously. If you go to mylola.com, if you have periods or someone in your life does, and you’re tired of shopping for tampons and pads in the store, let them send them to you every month in customizable boxes. 60% off if you go to mylola.com and use the code SGR for Sex Gets Real off your first order when you subscribe. You can customize a box full of pads or liners or tampons and all different sizes with or without applicators. So you can really make it exactly what you need. Let them mail it to you, and then it arrives. It’s just ready for whenever your next period happens. Yay for 100% organic and women-owned and created products. We love that. So please support them. Check that out. Take care of you, and make a delicious choice for your body. And also support the show.
Dawn Serra: OK. Greeney wrote in, and there’s lots in this email so I’m probably only going to get to touch on a couple of things. But it says, “Longing and making my heart grow fonder.” “After a ten year long, uber monogamous relationship that resulted in a child, I ventured online and met an amazing polyamorous gentleman. We developed an intellectual and passionate relationship over several months. Then he moved far away for work. The monogamous ex and I have since rekindled our attraction. I can’t bring myself to tell the ex about my polyamorous fling for fear of hurting him. But I also don’t want to give up on the love I found with the poly man. I feel strangely detached, and I’m missing them both in different ways. The ex thinks poly relationships are illegitimate and will not consider it for us. Meanwhile, I’m planning visits to the poly fellow. They both have my heart, but I can’t realistically have either of them. Sincerely, Greeney.”
First of all, I just want to acknowledge, the feelings that you’re having are so real, and they can be so difficult to sit in. I also just want to offer that by not being upfront, the hurt that you could potentially cause and probably will cause is much, much deeper. So I think what you need to do is just really check in with you about what it is that you actually want. The more you avoid actually answering that question, the more you’re likely to hurt everyone involved, and then make some really terrible mistakes.
Dawn Serra: I think you need to check in with you. Do you want to be with this monogamous partner of yours that you have a child with? It’s OK to say no. It’s OK to have the feelings and to love someone and to miss them. To recognize that what you had was wonderful when it was wonderful. And to also know it’s not right for you anymore. It’s also super OK to say, “I have this poly relationship with this person. I fell in love, and I really care about him. But it feels better to be in this relationship with my monogamous ex.” There is no wrong answer.
But your fear of hurting your monogamous ex by not telling him what’s going on with you is lying, It is dishonest and you are violating trust. You’re also probably violating some unspoken agreements. Now, that’s where we all get into trouble. I’ve certainly done it many times in my relationships, assuming that we were all on the same page and not explicitly talking about needs and where I was and what we wanted to create together.
Dawn Serra: I think you kind of need to start there. If you and your monogamous ex are entering back into a relationship, there needs to be some conversations about expectations. Then you need to decide what agreements you can actually meet and sustain. If you can’t do that, and if you can’t be honest with him, then you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with him. Because the fear of hurting him in telling him what happened is going to be so much worse. If this goes further and you develop more feelings, and then it’s just this long, ongoing betrayal.
So I think you just need to decide. Do you want this relationship with your monogamous ex? If you do, you need to be getting really clear on what type of agreements he’s expecting and have some conversations there. And if you decide no, you don’t want to be with your monogamous ex, you don’t want to be monogamous anymore, it doesn’t invalidate your love. It doesn’t invalidate the relationship you had for ten years, the child that the two of you have together. You can hold all of those things and want something else.
Dawn Serra: Now, if you want to continue seeing your poly fellow who’s moved away, that’s also super OK. But it needs to be with the consent and the awareness of your monogamous partner. If it’s not, then again, everyone’s just going to end up getting really hurt. I think too, just think about, for the poly fellow, if he really truly is polyamorous and ethical non-monogamy is one of his values, then you being unethical and your non-monogamy could potentially violate one of his values. While he may tolerate it or he may say he’s OK with it, that might breed some resentment.
So I think you just need to get really clear on what do you want? What do you really want? If what you want is both of them, then you can ask for that. You can talk to your monogamous ex about what’s been going on for you and what you want, and ask him if he’d be willing to try it. He’s allowed to say yes, and he’s allowed to say no. And the two of you are allowed to negotiate something different. But ultimately, it’s up to you to say, “Here’s what I want,” and then to ask for it. Then they get to decide for themselves, whether they want to give that to you or negotiate it with you. If your monogamous ex says, “I can’t do this. This is not something that feels good for me, and I’m not OK,” while this hurts, he gets to say that. Then you get to decide how to move forward from that.
Dawn Serra: But I would not secretly be doing the, “I love both of them and want to hold both of them in my heart” thing. The feelings are really, really, really real. But what you’re actually doing is being dishonest and lying to someone that you love. That’s not the way to rebuild a relationship or to create a relationship and sustain one.
I hope that gives you some questions to ask yourself. I hope that helps you decide which direction you want to go in. No matter what, it’s probably going to be scary. It’s probably going to hurt. There’s probably going to be mistakes. You may not get exactly what you thought you wanted, and that might actually take you in a place that you never imagined that’s even better than you could have hoped. But you have to go through all that crap and do the work. So good luck. Thank you so much for writing in, and thank you so much for listening. I hope that you have an opportunity to actually have these really important conversations with the people you care about, and to end up someplace new.
Dawn Serra: This next email is from Darkness Wonderer. The subject line says, “My man doesn’t know.” “Hi, Dawn. Love the show. I’m somewhat new to the podcast, and I have skimmed through some of your episodes, but not all. I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years, and I love him. He treats me great and makes me laugh like no one before. The problem: our sex life is so inconsistent. We have it every other day for a week or so, and then we’ll go three or four weeks without anything. Sometimes it doesn’t bother me. But what bothers me is that I’m not craving it. I used to be super sexual. I’m 33. He’s 46. And we both love each other’s company. We’re very affectionate, but not passionate. I’ve never had an orgasm with penetration or oral with him. But we do masturbate together sometimes, so he can hear me come.
I recently started thinking about my first sexual experience. It was with another girl. So was my first kiss. These thoughts have now been in my dreams, and I’m reminiscing on the few other experiences I had with girls as an adult. I’ve never really considered myself bi or a lesbian. Just a curious person who was willing to try anything once or twice.
Dawn Serra: I’m wondering if my lack of enthusiasm for sex with my man has to do with my girl on girl thoughts? Or, if the reason why I only get turned on watching lesbian porn is because, in fact, I am one. I can’t share this with my boyfriend. And no, we will not be open for a threesome. I’m way too protective of him and don’t want to share. But I crave the visual of women. I look at them and wonder what they would look like naked. Embarrassed to admit this because I’m in a heterosexual relationship, and it feels right. So what are your thoughts? Can I bring my sex life back? Do I need to explore my other side? I’m at a loss. Thank you so much for reading.”
Well, Darkness Wonderer, there’s a lot in here that I think is wonderful. You’re talking about being with your boyfriend and how he treats you great, and it makes you laugh like no one before. That you’re super affectionate. You love each other’s company. I even love that you masturbate together so he can hear you come. That is sex, and that’s coming during sex. So I hope you realize that. That it doesn’t have to be an orgasm from penetration or oral in order for it to “count.” If the two of you are having a sexual encounter and you have an orgasm, then your orgasming during sex. I love that you do that for each other, and you have that opportunity to share yourself that way.
Dawn Serra: I also think it’s really interesting how you’re talking about being not as much bothered by the inconsistent sex. Because frankly, having sex every other day for a week, and then going a couple of weeks without sex is so radically normal. That is so normal. We have such busy lives, with so many things going on, so many feelings and so much stress. That’s literally just all of us, especially when we’ve settled into a relationship that’s not super new. We’re not just high as a kite on new relationship energy.
First, I just want you to know that that starting and stopping and, “Yeah, we’ve got energy for it now, and then we don’t,” that’s just kind of life. But you seem to be bothered by the fact you should not craving sex and that you used to be super sexual. I think there’s a couple of things there. One, we are constantly changing. Our relationship with our body and our pleasure and the ways we engage with it sexually and the erotic are constantly in flux. Now, when we are in the middle of our lives, it feels like it’s not changing. It feels like we’ve just always been a certain way. Then if we notice something’s changed, it feels like, “Oh, my god. What do I do? This is not who I am.” But the likelihood is it’s probably going to change again at some point in your life. That’s just being human and having hormones that are constantly fluctuating, and context that’s constantly fluctuating, and stress levels that are constantly fluctuating.
Dawn Serra: So you might not be super sexual now, but who knows? In ten years or 15 years, when you enter into menopause, you might become super sexual or a different kind of sexual or completely asexual. That’s just part of the experience.
I think, first, what I would recommend is try and stay curious. I think there’s this tendency of like, “Oh god. Something’s changing,” and to feel like something is wrong or to miss the way that it used to be. But what if we just stayed really curious? Maybe you’re still super sexual, but that sexual energy is being channeled in other ways. Our sexual energy is the energy of creation, the energy of intensity, of release, and build up. Maybe you’re getting that met somewhere else. Maybe that energy has an opportunity to just move through you because you’ve got some new creative project you’re working on. Or, who knows? There’s lots of different things that play. Now, you can go to the doctor and have some tests done on your hormone levels, if it feels like it’s been drastic quickly and you’re honestly concerned. It never hurts to just go have things checked if you’re really experiencing some distress. So do consider that too.
Dawn Serra: Now, let’s talk about your girl on girl experiences. Hopefully, you heard the episode that I had with Reid Mihalko. If not, you might want to check that out because we fleld a question from a young woman who is worried that watching girl on girl porn means she’s a lesbian. It doesn’t. We enjoy all kinds of sexual input that turn us on for all sorts of different ways. Now, there might be a thousand different reasons why you really enjoy watching women and seeing women on women porn. The way that the bodies move, maybe it’s because the connection seems so much more honest or interesting or the potential for the connection than what you see with a lot of cis men.
Also, the things that we watch that turn us on don’t make us gay or mean that we’re gay – unless we’re gay. If you are a lesbian and getting turned on by lesbian porn happens, then it’s probably because you’re a lesbian. But if you’re not a lesbian and you get turned on by two women having sex, so you get turned on by the curves of a woman’s body, then you’re not a lesbian who gets turned on by two women having sex, and you like the curves of a woman’s body. It doesn’t have to mean something.
Dawn Serra: If you don’t feel like you’re in an identity crisis or you’ve been hiding or lying or maybe you’ve changed in some way around that, then you’re allowed to be super straight and have a super straight relationship, and really appreciate the sensualness of a woman. We are complex creatures with complex experiences of our bodies and our sexuality in the erotic.And allow that complexity to be part of your story, instead of worrying that it means something.
Now, I think what this boils down to is, “Can I bring my sex life back?” I would recommend reading Esther Perel’s “Mating in Captivity.” I would also recommend, if you have the means, working with a sex coach. I do sex coaching, but there’s lots of other people who do sex coaching and intimacy coaching. I think what’s really important for you is probably just getting really clear on what does sex mean to you? What are ways that you can get those needs met, if they’re not currently getting met?
Dawn Serra: Sex and the frequency of it, it’s going to constantly change. I think where we get into a lot of pain and distress is when we expect it to stay the same. That’s just setting ourselves up for failure, and also setting our partners up for failure. For some people, having lots and lots of sex is something that they sustained through their whole lives. And for them, that’s normal. For other people, sex is never something they’re interested in, and they don’t want for their whole lives. And that’s super normal. Then for others of us, we have this wave that goes up and down. If you and your partner have a tremendous amount of intimacy, but you don’t have a lot of mystery., it’s so easy for sex to just fizzle. Esther Perel talks about how too much intimacy actually kills the erotic. So to introduce the erotic is something that you actually have to choose and practice and work on, bringing in that mystery and that heat.
Check that out. Give it some food for thought. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful human being, that you have sex and that you enjoy it when you do. That you’re creative around it since you masturbate together just so he can hear you orgasm. It also sounds like you’ve got some really yummy erotic material in your head that you enjoy about thinking about other women. Allow all of those things to be true. I don’t see anything in your email that tells me something’s wrong or broken or anything that is worrisome.
Dawn Serra: So give yourself some permission to just enjoy what you have and stay curious. Maybe this is what’s going on now. But who knows what’s going to happen in three months, six months, twelve months, a couple of years? It can all shift and change completely. So stay curious. Do what you can to just honor all of these yummy experiences you’re having. And check out Esther Perel’s book. You might find something really interesting in there. Thank you so much for writing in, and good luck.
OK, everyone. We’ve got time for one last question. They came in via text. I hope I have the whole thing. But it says, “Hi, Dawn. I’ve always been curious about sex and all things sexual. That’s how I found your podcast. I wanted to ask what I should do about a girl I like. She’s bisexual. However, I don’t know if she prefers women over men. I don’t know how to go about asking her, especially since she’s a junior and I’m a sophomore. Help!”
Dawn Serra: Oh, yeah. God, I was talking to Alex today about thinking back to what it was like when I was a sophomore and a junior and a senior. Shit! Even in my early 20s. Yeah, it’s not easy when you’re first trying all these conversations on and finding the words and new to so many of these things. I love that you’re asking this, and I think you’re going to be really unhappy with my advice. But that’s just what it’s going to have to be.
Here’s the first thing. You mentioned that she’s bisexual, and you don’t know if she prefers women over men. She may not have a preference. She may have a preference. Everyone who’s bisexual experiences their bisexuality differently. And it can fluctuate. You might be bisexual and be super open to having romantic relationships with one gender and sexual relationships with another. It might be that you’re open to romantic and sexual relationships with one gender and only romantic relationships with another. It’s completely dependent on the person. And she may not actually know it. If she’s aJunior, that means that she may not have had enough experiences to know. So she might just be guessing based on what she’s experienced.
Dawn Serra: I also don’t think you need to know what her preferences are. It’s more about is she interested in you? Is there possibility there? Because even if you’re bisexual or pansexual or queer, wherever you identify, you might really honestly prefer women 99% of the time. You’re open to things with other genders every once in a while. But maybe there’s something about you that she would be open to. The only way to know is to actually start talking. It can be really awkward, especially when you’re young, and you’re a sophomore and she’s a junior, and you want to have these conversations.
You have two choices. The first is, you can never say anything. Then you don’t have to take the risk, so it’s safe, and you might always wonder. But then you don’t have to face the awkward and the potential for the rejection. That might feel better for you. You might be OK with just wondering and crushing from a distance without ever having to put yourself out there. Or, you might be the kind of person who not knowing would just like, “Ahhhh!” You’d never be able to let it go, so taking the risk feels better for you.
Dawn Serra: Now, I personally think, at this point in my life, if I was your age, I would not have taken the risk. I was super risk averse. I would not have been able to deal with potential rejection, and I would have been horrified and ashamed. Now, it’s a very different story. Now, I know that if I just start talking to someone and get to know them a little bit, sometimes it’s really easy to project onto the person that we like, who we think they are.
We see them and we see them laughing, and we know them a little bit. We think, “Wow. That person is really great.” Our brains try and fill in all of the other details. We build a fantasy version of them. Often, when we actually start getting to know people, we find out, “You are so not my cup of tea.” But you never knew that unless you actually start talking to them. Or, maybe they’re even better than you imagined. But again, you don’t know until you start talking to them.
Dawn Serra: So it’s less about her bisexuality and who she prefers, and more about, “Do the two of you actually have some chemistry? Do you have something you can connect around? Are there things you both really like that you can go up to her and talk to her about? You don’t want to just kind of like, “Hey, you’re bisexual. Are you into guys?” Because I can tell you that she’s going to shoot you down. But if you’re able to actually have a conversation with her about a shared interest or ask her some interesting questions about herself, and just see if there is something interesting there, then you might be at a point where you feel like you’re ready to put yourself out on a limb and just ask her, “Hey, would you ever be interested in meeting up sometime for a drink or going for coffee.” I guess you’re too young to drink, but meeting up for coffee or going to a movie together. Or even just hanging out with friends.
Give yourself an opportunity to take that risk. Because something else I can tell you is, the more you give yourself a chance to practice these conversations, the better you become at them. You’re probably going to really be awkward and mess them up like all of us are. Shit. I’m almost 40, and I’m still really awkward when I have these conversations sometimes. That’s just a little life because it can be awkward. But the more we do it, the less it feels super, super scary, and the more we also realize that it’s not about us. Because the fear, of course, in talking to her is that she’s going to shoot you down. And that is probably going to feel really bad. But you also have to remember that it’s really not about you, it’s about her. It’s about what she’s interested in and where she is in her life. Maybe she’s super stressed with school or maybe she has a crush on someone else.
Dawn Serra: So if you do get up the courage to actually just try and have a connection with her, to try and have a conversation about a shared class or a book you saw her reading or whatever it is, and just get to know each other a little bit. If you do get to a point where you actually ask, :Hey, do you want to hang out sometime?” If she says no, you have to remember it’s so not about you. The more we can learn that at a very, very early age in our dating stage, it sets us up for so much more success down the road. Because then we’re not hiding and scared and terrified, and then getting resentful and angry. We’re actually just able to say, “Hey, I think you’re really cool. And I kind of like you. I think it’d be really fun to go for a movie sometime. So if you’re interested in that, let me know. If not, super cool.” Then the ball’s in her court, and you can’t do anything about that, except just be you.
Be you and decide whether you want the risk, which also comes with potentially some good rewards. Or, if you’d rather just let this be something where you’re crushing and it feels all weird and warm. You’re just, “That feels really good, but I’m not ready to take that risk,” then allow that to be your answer. There’s no wrong or there’s no right. So good luck. I hope everything works out the way you want it to. Just know that even if things go horribly wrong, and it’s weird, and it’s all awkward and you flub it up, that’s normal. We all do that. You’ll have many more opportunities. Just do the best you can. And thank you so much for listening.
Dawn Serra: OK, listeners. I have so many amazing interviews lined up over the next couple of weeks. I have Dr. Sheila Loanzon, who is a gynecologist with herpes, who wrote a book called, “Yes, I Have Herpes.” It’s a fantastic discussion. I have Lola Davina on, and we talk all about thriving as a sex worker in sex work. I have Christopher Zeischegg, who you might know is Danny Wylde, who was a male porn star for a number of years . We talked all about where he is now and exiting sex work and his new writing adventures. I’ve got Bex Caputo on from “The Dildorks” podcast. I have some amazing stuff lined up. So keep writing in with your questions. I’ll make time to answer them every couple of weeks. And then stay tuned. Don’t forget head to mylola.com, and use code SGR for Sex Gets Real, to get 60% off your first order when you subscribe, if you’re the kind of person who has a period. So thank you so much for listening, and I will talk to you soon. Bye!