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NW Mom wrote in with her confession about the mess she’s in with a married man. Can she find her way out? She’s lonely, she just discovered her sexual pleasure after a 20-year marriage, and yet, this amazing man can’t be there for her. He knows it’s not easy on her, so ending things shouldn’t be a shock for him.
Jess wrote in about her improved sex life and the new body safe Fun Factory vibrator she just got. Listening to the show has helped her sex life in fantastic ways and I am tickled.
Jenister has a problem. She is bisexual, has anxiety, and wants to explore group sex with her partner. The only problem is she and her boyfriend have had threesomes before to great success. But, she is finding herself feeling super jealous and insecure when they look for potential play partners and she feels terrible. How can she overcome her jealousy and make the group sex fun again?
Also, let’s just honor Jenister’s frustration about telling straight guys that she’s bi – it’s like they assume it means threesomes are automatically in the cards. UGH. NO.
How do we care for ourselves when we feel jealous? How do you make space for meltdowns and insecurity without judging yourself?
If you’re interested in one-on-one coaching, check out my options here.
What do you do if your friend is obsessed with having a boyfriend and totally defines their worth based on whether they’re dating someone or not? I have thoughts. We live in a world that tells us we should all be on a quest for relationship, and that our worth is defined by the romantic partners we have. It’s a big box to unpack.
Bree Speed has way too much cum in her life. Her boyfriend shoots everywhere and she is cleaning cum off of everything. Is she the only one in this position? I have big thoughts like why isn’t HE cleaning up his own mess? Why isn’t he doing his laundry and taking care of this?
Follow Dawn on Instagram.
About Dawn Serra
Dawn Serra is a therapeutic Body Trust coach and pleasure advocate. As a white, cis, middle class, queer, fat, survivor, Dawn’s work is a fiercely compassionate invitation for each of us to deepen our relationships with our bodies and our pleasure as an antidote to the trauma, disconnection, and isolation so many of us feel. Your pleasure matters. Your body is wise. Dawn’s work is all about creating spaces and places for you to explore what that means on your terms. To learn more, visit dawnserra.com or follow Dawn on Instagram.
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Episosde Transcript
Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!
Well, hello everyone from Vancouver, Canada, where I have been for the past couple of days shopping for a new place to live. The city is amazing and it’s exhausting at the same time, but in a couple of weeks I will officially be recording all of the episodes from Canada. So this is a nice little test for all of us to go through. I want to thank everyone who showed up for the Sex Gets Real Patreon only PJ party. We had a wonderful time talking and answering questions, and discussing what’s up next for the podcast. So we actually brainstormed some ideas for future themes for our listener confessions.
Dawn Serra: One of the things that we talked about was food. So I want to officially announce that the May theme for confessions is going to be food. So if you have stories around a role that food played in a sexual encounter that you had, or in a really memorable, sensual encounter, maybe a dinner you went to, or something that you made at home, or food being used as a way to play and get messy, and then something delicious happened. If you have a fun story that has to do with something sexy or sensual, or even sad or heartbreaking and food, I want to hear those confessions. You can go to dawnserra.com/ep158 for this episode, and there is a little link with all the guidelines for how to submit your confession. I have a confession for this episode that is with the March and April theme of messes. So I will be reading that in just a moment.
First, I’ve been texting back and forth with Dylan, and we are going to be recording a special episode in the next week or two. There will be a short version of our chat that goes up on iTunes for all of you to listen to, and then there will be an expanded version that’s for Patreon supporters. So, of course, if you want to support the show, if you want to help me make sure I can keep doing this, you can go to patreon.com/sgrpodcast and support the show there. You can see pictures from erotic film school and you’ll get access to this special bonus episode I’m doing with Dylan, and I’ve got some really fun things planned for this summer too. So your support is always, always appreciated at any level.
Dawn Serra: Let’s take a look at this week’s mess. I got a listener confession from Northwest Mom:
“Oh my god, I love listening to your podcast. I’m a 43 year old mom to two amazing kids. I’m also going through a divorce and my sex drive didn’t wake up until I turned 40. At which point, I also realized I was done with my husband for many, many reasons. I’m a cis woman who is navigating through life after being in my fairy tale for almost 20 years. My mess is that I have a friend with benefits. The bigger mess is that he’s married, not in a polyamorous marriage, and I have no interest in breaking up his marriage to be with him. Is he cheating? Technically, yes. There are so many judgments that you could give me in this moment, but I’m hoping that you can spare some for me. The mess is I don’t know exactly how to navigate this relationship. I haven’t listened to all of your episodes. But I have heard you say that you were in a relationship with a married man at one time.”
“Most of my sadness stems from loneliness of sharing my residential time with my kids, and with my soon to be ex, and not having enough friends who live near me to hang out. There are days when I can’t see my lover because of various things and I feel sad. I feel sad for the lack of physical connection. I feel sad that I can only text with him. Sometimes he can call but not often. So what’s my point? I don’t know. I just wanted to reach out to you because I adore your podcast and you’ve helped me realize my potential as a woman who understands her sexual nature. I think I’m nearing the end of this relationship and I’m not sure how to navigate ending it. He is so kind to me, and I would like to remain friends with him. But I know that I’m ready for someone who can be with me more often than this guy can. That said, I’m afraid to be truly alone. Some days, I don’t feel like I’m attractive or worthy, or any of that stuff, even though most days, I can manage to not believe the gremlin in my head. But I feel afraid that I won’t meet someone else. I struggle with the thought because I really do need someone to help make me happy. Is that true? I don’t know.”
Dawn Serra: “At age 40, I finally figured out how to masturbate and now I own two toys. So I think I’ll be okay without finding someone to make me happy. But there’s always that “but”. I guess I just wanted to ramble to someone else who has been with a married man. Perhaps in writing to you, I’m simply looking for empathy that some days are better than others in navigating. Thank you so much, much love. NW Mom.”
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I know that your confession is more a process of you working out what all of this means to you. Being in a situation where you’re still living with your soon to be ex and your kids, being so new to pleasuring yourself and having toys and experiencing your sexuality on your terms. I mean, there’s so much change going on. Then to be in this relationship with a person who is married and not in an ethically open or polyamorous situation is a mess. Not that that situation can’t offer tremendous growth and healing to the people involved because in my experience it did. But knowing that this is not a situation that feels good for you, that you want someone who can answer your texts, who can pick up the phone and call you, who can be available to you in ways that you need versus in ways that are secret is messy. It totally makes sense to me.
Dawn Serra: I hope that you give yourself permission to end the relationship. I think honesty is just the way to go. He knows that this is hard on you. He knows that this isn’t ideal. He knows all of those things. So I think if you can just be really honest about what you want and what you’re looking for, and how much you care about him. But how this just isn’t working for you, I can’t imagine that’s going to mean you can’t remain friends. So thank you so much, NW Mom, for writing in and sharing your mess with us and letting us hold that space. I wish you the very best.
I got this great email from Jess a couple of days ago called “Improved Sex Life and Better Toys.” I just wanted to read it because it made my heart so happy. It says, “Hey, Dawn, I just wanted to write to you to tell you how much I love your podcast, and how much it has helped my relationship. I’m almost caught up on all of the episodes, and each week I learned something new. I also love that I can share the material that’s on the podcast with my fiancee, which usually leads to us having amazing sex. Our communication has never been better. And as a result, the sex has gotten so good. It’s the best it’s ever been. Not to mention, the kinkiest it’s ever been.”
Dawn Serra: “I am so very thankful that I found your podcast, you are seriously awesome. When I started listening, I had no idea that there was ever such a thing as body safe toys. I had no idea how many chemicals go into the unsafe toys and what effect it can have on your body. I was even more appalled because I’m very conscious about what I put into my body. And here I was, not even paying attention to the most sensitive parts. That being said, I purchased a vibrator from Fun Factory and I love it. It’s the perfect size. My man loves it when I use it to tease him during foreplay. So I want to say thank you for introducing me to this brand and the knowledge of body safe toys and products. So again, I just want to say thank you for all that you do. I will be a listener for a very long time. Much love, Jess.”
Yay, Jess! Oh my god, I love that you share the episodes with your fiance and that you have great conversations and great sex, and it’s kinkier and better than ever before. I’m also so happy that you got yourself a Fun Factory. Yay for body safe toys and for toys that aren’t potentially going to cause massive irritation or hold on to bacteria, and fluids because they’re porous. So treating yourself to that is such a wonderful thing. I hope everybody follows suit with their toys and their lubes, and making sure that everything that they buy is ethically produced and non-toxic. So yay for Fun Factory, they have such good products. I hope that you and your fiance continue to have that amazing, amazing fun sex and that you find even more body safe products that the two of you can play with. So thank you so much for writing in. I got this email and it made my day and I appreciate it so much.
Dawn Serra: Okay, so I got an email from Jenister and it’s a little bit long. So I’m going to read through it and then we’re going to roll around in it together. So it says:
“Hi, Dawn. First of all, I love your podcast. I want to thank you so much for giving normalcy to the many alternative lifestyles that exist. I, myself, am an anxiety-ridden 26 year old, bisexual, cis female that has been with my boyfriend, a straight cis male, we’ll call him D, for three years now. We have the most amazing relationship. We are so different from each other. But that’s only made our relationship stronger. He’s one of the most understanding and patient people I’ve ever met. I am not out as bisexual to my family and not even all of my friends. I like to say I’m out to the people that matter. I found that when you are bisexual, people think you have a choice. You can be very frowned on in the gay community. I would also be frowned upon if I share that with my family. My mom who I was raised by, didn’t even want women in bikinis on the TV growing up. I know she has to be suffering from some severe insecurity or jealousy issues with her own self. Also, when I was single and trying to date, I didn’t like to disclose my sexuality initially because when you’re trying to date straight men and they hear you like girls, it’s like the jackpot sign goes off and they think they’re going to be entitled to a threesome. FYI, thus far, I have never been romantically involved with a female, only sexually.”
“I hid my sexuality from my now boyfriend D initially. Then after about three or six months, I admitted it to him and he was surprised but took it gracefully. Throughout our time together, we have had some threesomes with two different women. The first woman, it was an old friend and a one time thing, it went well and we’re all still friends. The second woman was a friend of a friend that we both met together. She took a liking to me, and then one thing led to another. We slept with her for a few months and had some wonderful yummy times together. I loved it, and so did D. And I/we wanted to continue, but she wanted to find a serious boyfriend and didn’t think she could do that while sleeping with us. So we understood, and we’re still great friends, just not involved sexually. All of this happened so fast and without planning. D and I are not an open relationship, nor do we want to be. What I’m interested in and what brings in my question is I want to find another female or a couple friends with benefits situation. Stuff like this is hard for me.”
Dawn Serra: “First of all, all of my previous relationships were very toxic, cheating, etc. Secondly, I have anxiety. Third, I am like most people, and I can be really self conscious about my body. I finally got the nerve to bring up to D that I want this again. I’m sure he’s been wanting it, too, but he wants to please me more than anything and doesn’t want to make me feel like I’m not enough. I commend him for this, because for some reason, in my mind, even though I want it, too, it would have made me feel bad if he brought it up first. So when I brought it up, he got excited. He said, “We should look online, right?” So I said,” Yes, I’m sure that’s going to be our easiest option.” So he started looking at Reddit and Craigslist, almost like he’s looked before, and brought up this one ad. It was a female, 125 pounds, and brunette. Instantly rage came over me. I am far from 125 pounds, and I am blonde and proud of it. My mind kept telling me, “This is the opposite of you and this is what he wants. He doesn’t want you.” So I blurted out, “I can’t handle this. I regret saying I want this. Forget it.” He seemed totally disappointed and confused, rightly so, but ready to talk about anything and said the ball is totally in my court.”
“What it comes down to is, he is the best man I’ve ever been with. I love him endlessly and I want to be able to control my insecurities and jealousy in order for us both to have fun and have experiences we deserve to try and have. He also told me that he is willing to not play a part in finding an interested woman or couple if that would help me. That made me feel awful. What kind of person am I? Why do I need so much control? I wanted this to be a fun thing. But all I can think of now is if we were to ever surf online or go to a swinger type event, anyone who showed interest in I would be taking it as a personal hit to myself. Overall, I would say I’m an open, fun loving, non-judgmental person, but apparently when it comes to situations not involving my boyfriend, so why does this make me turn it into some totally awful person that I don’t want to be? We’ve done this before and it’s gone so well. Why can’t I let myself just relax, enjoy myself, and have fun? I’m at war with myself. Please show me the light, Dawn. Thank you so much, Jenister.”
Dawn Serra: Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and for listening to the show, and sharing all of this. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You’re not open about being bisexual for a variety of reasons that are super valid. You were raised by a mom who had severe insecurity and jealousy because of how she related to herself. So that alone is going to inform some of your ideas about yourself, and the way you move through the world. You have this wonderful partner, it sounds like, who you’ve had some wonderful experiences with. And you’re experiencing some jealousy and insecurity, which is so normal. So it’s not about controlling your insecurity or your jealousy. It’s about finding ways to make space for them, and to navigate them in a way that feels healthy and open versus judgmental and closing down. So much of what I’m hearing in your email is this frustration and disappointment in yourself. This feeling of wanting to change who you are.
So I think a really good place to start is in acknowledging that for you, you do have some insecurities, you do experience jealousy – those are super normal for so many of us. So how can you care for yourself around that and create a situation that helps you to navigate it with a little bit more grace and ease? So it’s not always going to be easy. Sometimes you’re just going to melt down and have a terrible day. But if you know that this is going to happen, if you know that you’re likely to react this way, then navigating that situation with open conversation with D, I think, is going to set you up for a lot more success. Maybe he can create a space where the two of you do something really yummy and sexy, and delicious together so that you’re feeling super appreciated and seen. Your tanks are nice and full, and then you kind of have some of these conversations or searching online. Maybe going to events in person would feel a little bit different than the online search.
Dawn Serra: It’s so easy for us to compare ourselves to others and to feel like we fall short. Gina Senarighi, who’s been on the show, she does altrelationships.com. She does wonderful coaching and programs all around insecurity and jealousy, and non-monogamy. I think that might be a really good resource to turn to. She has a jealousy course online, that I think she runs a few times a year. You might find a lot in that course that would give you some tools for navigating through this with less judgment and with less frustration and pain towards yourself in the situation. Also, it probably wouldn’t be a terrible idea for you to work with a coach or a therapist that can help you unpack some of the feelings that you’re having and the places where you feel stuck, so that you have new words and new language, new ways for caring for yourself through this. It sounds like you’re asking yourself really good questions.
It also sounds like you have a history of relationships that were really toxic, where trust was violated and shattered multiple times, you have a history of family history of being in a situation with toxic views about self, and body, and insecurity. So I think getting some support from someone that allows you to do some healing in those spaces could also be really powerful. I think you’re on the right track. I don’t think that the answer is to force yourself to do these things or to really get angry at yourself for feeling these things, because that’s just going to make it worse. Instead acknowledge that, while the thoughts might not be telling the truth, the feelings are true for you. You are feeling these things. So how can you care for yourself around that? How can you ask for support around that?
Dawn Serra: I think it can also be helpful to do this exercise of – it’s very rare that we have a super specific type, unless we are fetishizing a specific look. Normally, we can be out in a crowd of hundreds of people and find different things that we’re appreciating about different people. So there might be someone who has a physique that you’re attracted to. Then there might be somebody who has a really great smile, there might be a different person who has these gorgeous eyes. There might be someone who’s doing something with their hands and you find that their hands are really sexy, or you like the sound of their voice or the sound of their laugh. These people might look very differently from each other. But you really appreciate certain aspects. It doesn’t mean that any one is better or worse and it doesn’t also mean that you don’t love the things that you love about D, while appreciating these other things.
I think often when we compare ourselves to porn stars or the types of porn that a partner likes to watch, or the same situation of D, looking on Craigslist and finding this ad of this person who’s radically different from you. Remembering that there might be something totally different about this person from you, but that doesn’t negate the appreciation that D has for your blondeness, for your curves, for the size of your body. Because we can like hot dogs and vanilla ice cream and cinnamon rolls and potato chips, even though none of those things are like the other. Again, working through that and reminding ourselves of that takes time and practice and unpacking. So give yourself a break. Give yourself a chance to do a little bit of healing and a little bit of inquiry. Talk with D about it really openly and see what happens, see what doors come your way, but don’t try to force yourself to be someone different or to change. I love that you ask these questions. Thank you so much for writing into the podcast. I hope that gives you a good jumping off point. Also, there’s no shame in working with a coach or a therapist to unpack and roll around in some of these things in a really juicy way. Because that might give you some new tools and perspectives that you might not have the capacity for right now, if you’re feeling really judgmental towards self. So thank you so much for writing in Jenistir. I really appreciate it and good luck.
Dawn Serra: I got another email and it’s from someone who has a question about a friend’s behavior. I think that it’s a question that so many of us have at so many different points in our lives for so many different reasons. So it’s from someone named Artist Slut. It says:
“First of all, I love your podcast. This is not a terribly sexual question. My question is about my friend who is always going on about either her boyfriend or her lack thereof. Whenever she’s single, she’s super bummed. She acts like not being in a relationship or being in one is the source of her self esteem. When she’s in a relationship, she only ever talks about her partner and how great they are. I don’t think that this is a terribly healthy take on relationships. I just don’t know how to articulate this to her without being rude. What would you recommend for going about this? Thanks.”
Dawn Serra: We are a culture that determines value and social structure for so many, especially for women and for people in more marginalized situations based on whether or not they’re in a relationship. So we’re surrounded by magazines, books, stories, movies, television shows, that basically say, “If you’re not in a long-term committed relationship, then you should be actively and eagerly looking for one.” To not be is to be sad or to be the butt of the joke or to be rejected and unwanted. So when we’re surrounded by all of these messages that say, the people who are most valued, who are most lovable, who are most attractive, are the people who find these perfect, gorgeous, happy ending relationships and that everyone else is aspiring to that. It can be so easy to internalize that and decide that it’s your story too.
To not do that requires a lot of self-awareness. It takes an ability to recognize the stories that are around you. It also might mean growing up in a family where you’re taught your value is not determined by others. And unfortunately, lots of us grow up in families where that is not what is taught. Lots of us grow up in families where we’re encouraged and talked about the person that we’re going to end up with, and dreaming about our wedding, and being parents from the youngest of ages. Even from the games that we play – holding relationships up on this pedestal. If you didn’t grow up in a family that told you you can do anything you want and be anything you want on your own terms without needing to tie yourself to someone else. Then you’re surrounded by a culture who all of the stories from Disney movies and teen shows, to the movies that we see as we get older – all they do is talk about the value of relationship and the dangers of not being in one. It kind of creates this mixing pot and this soup that we swim in that makes it super easy to overvalue relationships.
Dawn Serra: So what it sounds like is your friend has really taken on a lot of these messages. She sees herself as lovable and worthy, and wanted when someone else outside of herself, is offering her those things. Part of this is going to come with practice and with growing up, and with experience. Some of it comes from having relationships and realizing that you’re your own person outside of them.
For other people, I know people who are well into their 40s, who are still trying to figure out who they are when they’re not in relationship. Because they’ve lived their entire lives skipping from relationship to relationship to relationship without a break. So they don’t actually know who they are when they’re on their own. And that can be terrifying and scary, and lonely. So then you jump into another relationship to avoid those feelings. I hope that isn’t the story for your friend. I think that it’s really okay to sit down and have conversations with friends. Maybe, by listening to this podcast with her or sharing articles, but asking her, “What does relationship mean to you and what did you learn about love and relationships from your family?” “What are the movies and the shows that you most idolize?” The pop culture celebrities and musicians that she idolizes. Get her talking about her story and her perspective. You might find out something that’s driving her behavior and her need to be in relationship.
Dawn Serra: We aren’t often asked these questions: Why do you want to be in relationships? What does love look like for you? Can you find love and acceptance within yourself? When we get asked those questions, it can be really scary and confronting, but that might be the loving space that she needs to actually shift her perspective. So I think holding space and having conversations and asking questions, being really curious about her story might be a really awesome way for her to ask questions and for you to learn a little bit more. But ultimately, it’s not your job to fix her or to take that story on.
You can set boundaries though, if you find that what she’s doing doesn’t feel good for you. You can ask her to not talk about certain things, or you can redirect the conversation lovingly. You have to decide what feels good for you and what feels good for your relationship with her. Then allow her to make her own mistakes, allow her to mess up, allow her to go on this journey. Because she might have a super different perspective than you and giving her the space to be her own person is sometimes the best thing that you can do as a friend. I hope that was helpful. Thank you so much for writing in, Artist Slut. I super appreciate it and good luck.
Dawn Serra: I got this email from someone named Bree Speed, that made me giggle because I don’t think there’s really an answer to the question. I think the question is the answer, but I just wanted to share it for all of us to roll around in. Her subject line is “Off with the condoms”. The message says,
“Dear Dawn, I love your show. I’ve been listening for about a year now. I’ve gotten to a point in my relationship with my fiance where we are no longer using condoms. I have an IUD. But despite that, my fiance still likes to pull out and he squirts like a water gun. I am not into cum like some of my friends are. I’ll swallow but we rarely get each other off with oral. When he cums, it gets all over me. The other night we were in the shower and we were having sex and he shot over my head and into my hair. He has a super high pressure job. So I don’t know if that has anything to do with his release, but I really enjoy getting him off. It’s just I’ve cleaned a lot of T-shirts and sheets, and couch cushions and used so many towels. Has anyone ever had this issue? I’m just wondering.”
Dawn Serra: Bodies make messes, from sweat and tears and spit to all kinds of fluids from our genitals. That’s just a part of being a human being, especially a sexual human being. When you take a condom off and you start having sex without either an external or an internal condom, all of that cum has to go somewhere. It’s either going to drip out of your orifices if you’re not swallowing it, or it’s going to get all over you. There’s literally no way around that other than either putting the condom back on or him not cumming. I think one thing that you can do is not take on the labor of being the only one who does the cleaning. So if the two of you are engaging in sex, there’s two of you participating in this act. If he’s making a mess on the sheets, and he’s making a mess on the couch cushions, and he’s making a mess on all of the towels.
It’s absolutely okay for the two of you to split the responsibility in doing all the cleanup. He can be doing the laundry, he can be scrubbing couch cushions, he can be making sure that towels end up in the washing machine. He can be the one that makes sure that the shower gets scrubbed if he makes it messy. It should not be something that you and you alone are dealing with. Ask for help if it feels like a burden, but there’s not a way to turn off bodily fluids, whether it’s sweating, or crying or cumming or whatever it is. That’s part of engaging with other human beings and being in these amazing messy bodies that we’re in.
Dawn Serra: Certainly when you take off the barrier and you’re engaging in sex, if he has an orgasm, that cum has to go somewhere. Cleaning it up is part of having sex. If there’s a way to make it fun, if there’s a way to turn it into a joke, or to make it playful, I think that that might be helpful too. But please make sure that you’re not the only one doing this cleanup that is not your job or your responsibility. It’s a shared experience, which means the two of you can take turns or split it up evenly. Anything other than that, if it doesn’t feel good for you is bullshit, as far as I’m concerned. So have fun, enjoy the mess, find a way to eroticize it and turn it into play if you can, and ask him to start doing some laundry because it’s his mess too. And it’s not your job to be the only one cleaning it up. So good luck and thank you so much for listening, Bree.
So that is our episode for this week. I have to pack my bags and prep for getting back to the States, where I will be immediately packing up my house. The amount of boxes that we need for all of our yummy sexy stuff is making my heart happy. But we’re going to pack up the house and head back to Canada in a couple of weeks. So thank you, all of you for staying patient with me through these huge changes. Of course, like I mentioned at the top of the episode, Dylan and I are working on getting an episode and some bonus goodness recorded for all of you and also for the Patreon supporters. I also have some awesome interviews lined up with some porn performers and educators, and authors doing amazing work around abortion and feminism and sex work. So definitely stay tuned. Head to dawnserra.com to send me your questions, your confession about food, your comments and anything else that you want to share with me because I love hearing from you. So until next week, this is Dawn Serra with Sex Gets Real. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.