Sex Gets Real Episode 136: Gay man having straight sex and ugly vulva lips

Hello, from Salt Lake City!

Thanks for all of the feedback on last week’s episode, post-election. So many of you had so many thoughtful and kind things to say. I appreciate it more than you know.

This week, I field questions about sissification and being a masculine dude who loves feminine things, a gay guy who is having his first vulva sex in a few days, and a listener who is deeply ashamed of her vulva appearance.

What makes a super skilled sexual partner so good at sex? Why are gender norms so deeply ingrained in our experiences?

It’s a fun week and I’m so glad to be rolling around in all of your questions and comments after a few weeks of chaos and moving.

Make sure you’re on the newsletter list, too, because I have some free online talks and a few workshops coming up.

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In this episode, I talk about:

  • The toll that some recent stress took on my libido these past 2 weeks from moving and driving cross country. Not wanting sex when your world is packed with stress is a thing and it’s valid.
  • What I mean when I say “privilege” and why it’s important to look at our various intersections of oppression.
  • SuperMoto is a straight, monogamous, masculine dude – think mechanic and motorsports – who has a deep interest in feminine things like panties and lace. Plus, he’s into pegging and being dominated. How can he get comfortable with these aspects of himself? And, how can he talk to his girlfriend about it all, too? Is there a way to help her find her dominant side? I roll around in gender norms, gender roles, and sissification.
  • We are starting to be OK with little boys wanting dolls and little girls wanting tools or big trucks, but for grown men there is still a huge stigma around being a pussy or being perceived as feminine or a woman. Stupid patriarchy.
  • Playing with a feminine expression of self doesn’t undo the masculine sides of yourself if you’re a cis man.
  • Wanting to be dominated and why often very powerful people (real or perceived power) want to give up control for a while.
  • Why being super clear and specific about your needs and your fantasies is critical to sharing with a spouse or a partner when you want to ask them to be a part of your sexual fantasy.
  • It can be really helpful to figure out what you DON’T want as you try to come to terms with your sexuality and sexual needs.
  • A gay guy, JJ, who is about to have sex with a vulva for the first time. How can he seem like he knows what he’s doing? He has never had intercourse in this way before and he can’t out himself as gay because it’s with a co-worker.
  • What truly skilled sexual partners with sexual maturity are super good at and how that can help someone as inexperienced as JJ.
  • An email I got from Embarrassed who fears her large vulva lips are hideous. She can’t relax during sex because she’s so tense about what they think about the look of her vulva. She’s even considered surgery. Is there any hope?
  • Vulva variety is woefully under-represented in porn, so we have to purposely seek out images of real vulvas in all their wide and glorious glory. All genitals, actually.

Resources from this episode

Femalia by Joani Blank – a picture book of vulvas

What Privilege Really Means on

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  • Dawn
  • November 20, 2016