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What can I even say about an episode that not only has Dylan, as the celesbian guest this week, but Dylan singing Rihanna? Yep.
It was amazing having Dylan back on the show, beer in hand, for a fun, frank discussion and answering listener questions. She has been working so hard that we’ve had virtually no time to catch up.
On this episode, we dig into strap-on sex, sex positions, cuckholding and sharing the fantasy, plus how to find your voice as a submissive and what to do if your new hook-up only likes one position. There’s a lot of laughing and over sharing, but you knew that.
Follow Dawn on Instagram.
In this episode, Dawn and Dylan talk about:
- A listener’s sex super power who wrote in with a nod to Dylan.
- Tricks by Trish’s email with a new guy who only wants to do face-down anal and never switch it up or please her. What’s up with that and what should she do? We have thoughts. Dylan especially has feelings.
- Cherry Blossom’s BDSM question – she’s in a Dom/sub arrangement and she thinks it’s time to branch out. But should she? Can submissions make their needs known? Should she take his word for it that it’s OK she experiment outside their dynamic? Being upfront about your needs is critical. As Princess Kali said a few weeks ago, kink is a team sport, so everyone’s voice matters equally.
- Ways to practice using your voice to ask for what you want by making it a game with your partner.
- Girl-on-top position and stamina issues. It’s not like you see in porn for most of us. There’s a huge difference between thrusting and bouncing movements, so the struggle is real. Don’t forget to incorporate clit stimulation.
- Incorporating fantasy and dirty talk can be the deciding factor between intercourse feeling good and intercourse being mind-blowing for a partner.
- Strap-ons are also for folks with a penis. Just sayin’.
- Cuckholding and fantasizing about a stranger fucking your partner. A listener wants to know how to talk to his wife about wanting to see another man fuck her.
About Dawn Serra
Dawn Serra is a therapeutic Body Trust coach and pleasure advocate. As a white, cis, middle class, queer, fat, survivor, Dawn’s work is a fiercely compassionate invitation for each of us to deepen our relationships with our bodies and our pleasure as an antidote to the trauma, disconnection, and isolation so many of us feel. Your pleasure matters. Your body is wise. Dawn’s work is all about creating spaces and places for you to explore what that means on your terms. To learn more, visit dawnserra.com or follow Dawn on Instagram.
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Episode Transcript
Dawn Serra: Hey, everyone. It’s Dawn with Sex Gets Real. I would just want to remind everyone to make sure you follow us on Twitter @Dawn_Serra or over on Facebook @MeetDawnSerra makes it really easy. Guess who’s here with me? Hi, Dylan.
Dylan: Dylan! What’s up?
Dawn Serra: Oh my gosh. Literally, I get emails every other day that are still like, “Say hi to Dylan.” “I missed Dylan.” “I can’t believe Dylan left.” Everybody loves you and misses you.
Dylan: Awesome, awesome. Well, I miss everybody. It’s great.It’s great to be back as a what do we say – a celesbian guest.
Dawn Serra: Yeah, as a celesbian guest of the week.
Dylan: I quaff my stellar, yes.
Dawn Serra: Yes. So how have you been?
Dylan: I’ve been good. I’ve been super busy with the new job and I’ve been exercising like madness. My schedule is this crazy. We’ve got the dog and she’s elderly, and oh my god – all kinds of – my family’s moving. All kinds of crazy stuff. Work, Work Work. What’s up, Rihanna. Is that a Rihanna song?
Dawn Serra: Yep, that’s a Rihanna song.
Dylan: So yeah. That’s all I feel like, but I’m loving it.
Dawn Serra: We thought you were Rihanna, so I’m glad you sang.
Dylan: Oh my god, how’s everyone been doing?
Dawn Serra: Everybody has been amazing and missing you. Everyone still says hi or sends – I want to read you this email. It just came in maybe five or six days ago, and it has a little mention for you. So Faith wrote in with the subject line: “Mighty Morphin Sex Ranger.” The message says: “Hi, Dawn, shout out from Alaska. My horny ass has been aching to write to you since I started listening to the podcast two months ago. I’ve been binge listening to Sex Gets Real from the Dawn and Dylan glory days backwards and at it’s best. Keep up the sexy talk. In Episode 65, you asked listeners, what would your sexy superpower be? I’ve been thinking about this and I didn’t have any ideas for a while. But last night, the best one came to me. I want the power to morph sex organs at will. For example, if I wanted to have sex with a penis and testes attached, my body would just morph into having them, and I can change the girth and the shape and whatever. The morphing abilities would also apply to secondary sex organs. So say I wanted to feel what it’s like to have tiny tits or giant tits one day – poof – Hello, no bra for days or a titty fucking.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my body and everything I can do with it. But I’ve always been curious to see what sex was like, or even life is like with various body parts. I thought Dylan might appreciate this super power, too – grow a penis when you feel like it.
Dylan: Oh, that’s it! That was the one, I was going to say that. Totally. The sex power that I would want is, yes, to be able to have a penis. I feel like we’ve had that sex power question once before.
Dawn Serra: Yeah, we talked about it about a year ago.
Dylan: Yes. Yeah, it would be that. I would be like, “Let me try it one time with that.” It wouldn’t even be like to have sex or whatever. It would be like, “Can I pee standing up and not have to worry about any of that shit?” Stuff like that, you know what I mean? Or what would it be like to just jerk off a penis instead of trying to masturbate a clit? Whatever. So I think it’s so much more accessible and easier for them to do shit with their peen than it is for women. I don’t know. I mean, that would be my superpower – have a penis for a day.
Dawn Serra: Yeah. I think that’d be really cool. I love that that was a little shout out to you.
Dylan: Right on, right on.
Dawn Serra: Yeah. Are you ready for another email that’s about face down anal?
Dylan: Oh yeah. My fave, my fave.
Dawn Serra: Okay, so Tricks by Trish. Subject line: “Only facedown anal?” It says: “I was with this new guy, we fucked on the third date. It was pretty hot in that new to dating world after 30-years of marriage. But this guy put me facedown, pulled my arms behind my back, held me with one hand, pulled my hair, and I loved it. I was very wet at this point. Then after grinding for a while with his small dick, he entered my ass. I initially thought this was hot, but further sessions revealed the same exact scenario. What the fuck? He never went down on me despite pushing my head down on his cock while blowing him and drinking him. He never made me come despite trying to show him how to touch my clit. I’ve pretty much given up, but feel for the guy because he really wants to see me again. But I’m wondering, is it worth it? I absolutely love you guys and your show has changed my life. Thank you.”
So he pretty much just pushes her down and fucks her ass, and makes her suck his cock and does nothing for her and she wants to know if it’s worth it.
Dylan: No, absolutely not. Not worth it. I mean, that’s rude. That’s fucking rude. I mean, it’s okay if there’s other things like sometimes you switch it up or whatever, but if it’s the same routine all the time, then no. I don’t think it’s fair. She should most def say, “What’s up? How come this is the only thing we ever do?” I don’t know. I mean, you lost me at small penis, whatever. I’m like, x number one. Every now and then it’s a little nice to have some face down anal, but I mean, god, at least do a little something else every now and then. Learn how to eat good pussy. Maybe he needs to go back and listen to episode six or whatever it was. I abhor anyone pushing my head down to go do anything. I want to do it willingly. Unless it’s part of the play, you know what I mean? But I doubt what’s going on there. It’s some sort of power struggle, I’m not sure
Dawn Serra: It sounds to me like he’s just a really selfish fucking lover. I don’t care if he wants to see you again. He probably wants to see you again because he’s been using you like a rag doll and you haven’t told him to get the fuck off you or do something different. I mean, face down anal, I think is really hot and, for me, I really love that position. But that, for me, always comes with lots of other really delicious things like orgasms and being out.
Dylan: Does he eat that ass? Does he eat the ass? I mean, hey, all that stuff’s got to come into play. You know what I mean? No, let’s change it up a little bit, okay? It gets stale. So I guess my suggestion would be no, goodbye. See yah.
Dawn Serra: Yeah. I mean, if you’ve already tried to talk to him and he hasn’t changed anything, then I’m not sure how much more time and emotional labor you want to put into this. But I think you need to have a really frank conversation saying, “My needs aren’t getting met. Here’s the kind of sex I’m interested in having. I’m happy to do these things with you. But only if I feel like it’s a lot more reciprocal, and we’re both having an opportunity to enjoy it.” If he’s not even remotely open to that, then tell him he can go find another hole.
Dylan: Yes, exactly. Exactly.
Dawn Serra: ‘Cause that pisses me off.
Dylan: Dude, no. How about you flip over and I’m going to peg your ass.
Dawn Serra: Hell yeah, like I just did 10 minutes ago.
Dylan: There you go.
Dawn Serra: Yeah, I’m still sweaty and covered in cum.
Dylan: Oh, okay. Alright, nice. I’m still sweaty but not the second part, okay?
Dawn Serra: Well, you were doing manual labor outside and I was doing labor inside, but different.
Dylan: Hardcore. Yes, yes. Good stuff, good stuff.
Dawn Serra: Have you done any fun sexy things in the past couple months?
Dylan: Not really, not.
Dawn Serra: Fair enough. You’ve been working a lot.
Dylan: It is actually– Yes, it has been draining, working. The new job definitely got me super busy. We work it in here and there, but nothing too exciting or extravagant really. My neighbors have discovered the podcast and my wife divulged to them that I am the Dylan. So they’ve been binge listening. So tonight we’re going to a dinner party, and they are about ready to burst with questions. I’m like “Oh my god, stop telling the neighbors! That’s why it’s Dylan, okay? Not the real name.”
I think they’re actually a little super freaky because they were over here for a dinner party – not a dinner party, it was cocktails or whatever. Something came up in the conversation about the Olympics and cupping, and the swimmers were getting cupped. My wife and the neighbor started talking about cupping, and they were like, “Oh, yeah, the only time I ever saw that,” my wife said was at the crucible, and then the neighbor turned around and she was like, “What?” Then, of course, that got conversation rolling about that. So I think they’re a little on the freaky freaky side.
Dawn Serra: Yeah, yeah, that’s interesting.
Dylan: We’ll see what happens. I’m like, “Oh god, there’s going to be a bajillion questions.”
Dawn Serra: I can’t wait to hear what kinds of questions come up and don’t forget to show them your Sex Gets Real paddle.
Dylan: Ah, yes, it’s still on the wall. Hello.
Dawn Serra: Did you have a good time at Pride?
Dylan: We did. Of course, it was chaotic for me because I was still in the middle of training. So it was like a whirlwind. We didn’t stay the night or anything like we normally do. So we rode in, it was balls hot, and did the ride, and then left – peaced out. We didn’t stick around for any of the night parties or whatever because I had to be back to work, to the training that I had to go to. So I was like, “Why…” I just couldn’t, I couldn’t. But it was still fun. We always enjoy Pride.
Dawn Serra: I saw you zoom by.
Dylan: Oh yeah?
Dawn Serra: Yep. Yeah, we were standing on P Street. I tried to get your attention, I managed to get Heidi’s attention. You all zoomed by and then about 10 minutes later, I fainted in the Whole Foods, and then I was out for the rest of the weekend.
Dylan: Oh my god, are you serious?
Dawn Serra: Yup.
Dylan: Because of the heat?
Dawn Serra: Yup.
Dylan: Oh my god, no good.
Dawn Serra: Yeah, I fainted on the tile in the Whole Foods and I woke up with all the employees trying to pick me up and they set me in a chair, and all my friends were trying to help.
Dylan: Were you with someone? Were you with friends, at least?
Dawn Serra: Yeah, I was with friends.
Dylan: Okay, okay.
Dawn Serra: So they ended up carrying me with their arms around me to the car and I missed out on all the rest of the Pride celebrations, because I was not hydrating and I was standing in one place in a very crowded spot and apparently that was too much.
Dylan: It was literally balls out. I don’t think it was as hot as it’s been here lately – up in the hundreds, but it’s seriously hot.
Dawn Serra: Yeah, it was real hot.
Dylan: We had a shit ton of people in the motorcycle club and we had a great time. But other than that, we just got back from Dyke Dynasty that we always do annually. So we had a blast with that. The club’s keeping me busy, work is keeping me busy, so it’s been good.
Dawn Serra: Good. Well, are you ready for a question about a dom-sub arrangement?
Dylan: Okay, sure.
Dawn Serra: Okay, so Cherry Blossom, wrote in with the subject line “Loyal and Frustrated”. It says: “I’ve entered into a DS agreement with a lifelong acquaintance. When it’s hot, it’s fucking hot. But when it’s not, it’s horrible. I’ve never said no to any of his requests, nor have I ever questioned any of his direction in our scenes. I have overall totally enjoyed our time together truly. The sex is mind blowing, and I find myself doing things I never thought possible at his request that I enjoy immensely. Now that I know what I can have, I want more of it. However, his time for us is limited. While we talk every day, it can be weeks between our time together and often I find myself feeling frustrated, sad, and even rejected.”
“I don’t know what I can tell him without sounding like I’m questioning his motives. We have before hit a few bumps, and he has always encouraged me to communicate with him. But I feel like it’s easy for him to say that, easier than it is for me to actually do it anyway. I think I need to find someone else to fill in the gaps. I’ve mentioned this to him and his response was simply, ‘It’s your life, I can’t tell you what to do with it outside of our dynamic.’ So I’m going to go ahead with my decision. Here are my questions. Do I have to give him up, because I really don’t want to? Am I looking for another dom? Do I have to tell potential candidates about my current dom? I’ve, to some level, answered these for myself, but I just wanted to hear your opinion since I respect you and you understand the lifestyle and dynamic. Cherry.” So what do you think?
Dylan: I don’t know. I mean, when did you say it was bad? When is it bad?
Dawn Serra: Yeah, it’s just says, “When it’s hot, it’s fucking hot. When it’s not, it’s horrible.” I don’t know if that means the sex is horrible or if her missing him is the horrible part, since they only see each other once or twice a month.
Dylan: Yeah, I guess that’s the confusing part. So I’m not sure. Then he’s like, “Yeah, you got to do whatever works for you.” Right? Basically. I mean, if it’s hot, it’s hot when he’s with her, or when they’re together. Then if it’s the low parts or totally lame when they’re not together, then I by all means go get another and fill that gap. But without really knowing – when is it not hot? Is there something he’s asking to do then all of a sudden it’s not hot, because that’s not her thing? I’m not sure. Without knowing the full story, otherwise, if we were to guesstimate, I guess, when there’s absence, it sucks. Then fill it with somebody else. It would totally be on her. I mean, if he’s saying you gotta do what you got to do, then with her new partner, whoever she goes to find somebody else’s completely on her. But I always say make sure everybody knows what’s in the game. You know what I mean?
Dawn Serra: I agree. If you’re doing a dom-sub dynamic, it’s important for doms to know about each other. Otherwise, there can be some major feelings of betrayal, I think, just as far as, “Well, you’re my submissive,” and feelings of ownership that can come sometimes with power dynamics.
Dylan: Yeah, I don’t know enough about that scenario or that scene. But I would say, I’m always one of those where like, everyone should be in the know of whatever’s going on if you’re having multiple partners.
Dawn Serra: Yeah, I totally agree. I don’t think she has to give up her current dom. I mean, if he’s okay with her and she doesn’t have to necessarily get a second dom. She can always go to the dungeon and do some pickup play with any dom who might – she might want to play with that night. So it can be very casual. Of course, if you’re doing pickup play at the dungeon, it doesn’t have to involve any type of penetration or intercourse – that could be like an energy exchange or bondage or, whatever kind of thing turns both of them on. But I don’t think that she has to give her current dominant up. As long as – if things feel good and you’re communicating with each other about what’s going on, then I think this has the potential to be a really great situation where she’s trying other situations and other people. I totally agree, you need to tell the people who you’re getting involved with what your current situation is, so that they can choose for themselves, if that’s the kind of dynamic they want to enter into.
Dylan: Right, right. Speaking of which, maybe we’ll come back to it. But you mentioned dungeon – what in the world fucking ever happened to our dungeon?
Dawn Serra: Right? I know it’s constantly in the state of non-existing and almost opening. It’s so frustrating.
Dylan: So anyway, I mean, we’re on the same page with her. Like I said, Cherry, if you’re cool with your once or twice a month then go for it, keep that. Then in your low parts and your down parts, go get a little something on the side.
Dawn Serra: Yeah. I think just knowing the reasons that you’re doing it, don’t go use someone just because you’re trying to avoid being lonely. Make sure you’re choosing this because it’s something you truly want to do. Then you’re letting the person know what the expectations are. The other thing that jumped out at me in her email was, she said “I don’t know what I can tell him without sounding like I’m questioning his motives,” and, “He’s always encouraged me to just communicate with him. But I feel like it’s easy for him to say that easier than it is for me to actually do.”
One of the things – I recently interviewed this person named Princess Kali, and she was a professional dominatrix and she’s been in the BDSM scene for 15 or 20 years. One of the things she said is that kink is a team activity. Kink requires everyone to show up and participate. So submissives are allowed to have a voice, submissives are allowed to share their needs and their wants, and make requests. In fact, Kali was talking about encouraging submissives to keep journals full of all their requests to help them find their voice.
Dylan: That’s what I was going to ask because not knowing about that world – are they allowed to voice? As the sub, are you just, “Yes master” or whatever words you use with each other. Can you do that, “I want more, I need more,” or whatever. “I need you, I need more of you.” Can you do that?
Dawn Serra: Yeah. I mean, it really depends on the dynamic you have and the agreement that you’ve come to. In master-slave situations, sometimes the agreement is the slave gives up the right to say what they need or want. But as a basic human perspective is you’re allowed to say when something’s not working for you, regardless of whether you’re a submissive or a slave. As a human being, you have a right to say, “This doesn’t feel good to me,” or “This feels right to me and I want more.” The fact that he’s encouraged her to communicate with him tells me that he does want to know about her experiences. He wants to make this something that she enjoys. He wants to make sure that she’s getting something out of what they’re doing together. Because he’s asking for that, then she has a responsibility to speak up and share her concerns, and share her experiences and to actually give him input on what she wants and how she’s processing everything. If talking to him about it feels intimidating, then maybe writing it down and sharing it with him that way is an option. But definitely, you have to be able to find your voice as a submissive, even though that can feel really intimidating. Because 1.) if you don’t tell him what you’re experiencing and what you want and what’s not working, then he can’t succeed. Then you’re setting both of you up for failure. And 2.)…
Dylan: That makes sense, that makes sense.
Dawn Serra: Right? I mean, as a dominant, he wants to be good. He wants her to enjoy serving him and doing these things for him. If she’s unhappy with something and he continues doing it, and then finds out later that she didn’t like it or enjoy it, he’s going to feel terrible. So you have to be able to share that as part of your dynamic. The other thing is if you really want this relationship and arrangement to be something that lasts over the long term, the two of you are going to change – the way you grow into your arrangement, the way you grow into the fantasies you live out, the way that you push your boundaries over and over again, It’s going to mean the two of you’re constantly growing and changing. So if you can’t talk about that, it’s going to become stagnant and stale very quickly. And that’s not fun either.
Dylan: Right, right.
Dawn Serra: So I think it all comes back to her finding ways that she feels safe using her voice and even telling him, “I really have trouble speaking up for me. So maybe some of the work we can do is finding ways to help me practice using my voice.” Then he can use his power as the dominant to say, “I’m not going to make you come until you say no three times,” or “Until you tell me one secret and then you can come.” So they can build in practicing using her voice and communicating into their sexy scenes so that it feels more fun and less pressured.
Dylan: Right, right. Gotcha.
Dawn Serra: I think, Cherry Blossom, you’re on the right path and you’re asking good questions. So good luck and keep us posted. Oh, my gosh. Do you want a question about positions?
Dylan: Yeah! Of course.
Dawn Serra: Lindsey sent us the subject line is “Jumble of Questions” and she actually sent a bunch of questions. So I’m just going to read one of them right now. It says: “Hi, Dawn. First off, I’d like to say I absolutely love the podcast. I’m a new listener and I started from episode one. I’m still trying to catch up and I’m currently on episode 69,” speaking of, “I was so happy to hear that I’m not the only one who pretty much can’t stand 69.” Then it says, “All that said, I have a few questions.” So I’m going to do her first question, which is, “What positions are best for girl on top? I’m usually the bottom and I like it that way. My boyfriend is amazing and has incredible stamina. However, there are times when he gets tired or I’m feeling particularly sexy and would like to take charge. But I’ve noticed that despite working out pretty regularly, I get tired quickly in most girl on top positions. I have a difficult time getting off in any of them and I can’t make my boyfriend come in any of them either. Any suggestions?” What are your thoughts on girl on top?
Dylan: Alright, here’s my thing. Okay. First girlfriend, you need to work on some stamina. Work that shit, fucking get that shit worked out. My thing is – it depends. We’re going to go with the typical – what is it? Cowgirl or reverse cowgirl, right? And I think that depends on whether you get stimuli from the deep back part of your vagina or whether you get it from the front part of your vagina. Does the man have a curvy dick? Does it curve upwards? Is it curved down? Does it curve at all? You got that going on. Then, somebody once told me sometimes that it was very difficult for them to, as the male, to get off when the girl was on top. He had to be in control of it. So it’s almost like let her do her thing on top, and then I’m going to…
Dawn Serra: “Flip you around and fuck you.”
Dylan: “Flip you around and fuck you until I cum.” You got to find which way – where’s the stimulus? Is it towards the front of your fucking vaginal wall or towards the back? Do like that deep towards the back? How can I say it – is it posterior to your cervix or is it anterior to your cervix? Where’s your hotspot? Maybe he’s just not long enough to actually hit any spots? Maybe he doesn’t have enough length, unfortunately. Unless you can fucking do the splits, I don’t know how else that you can get up on that shit, you know what I mean? I don’t think that bouncing up and down works like they do in porn. Like, (moaning sounds), “Where are you? You should be right here in front of me right now because you watch me bounce up and out of my seat right now.” That doesn’t work. Okay? I mean, it’s fun because it fucking feels good, but it’s not going to make me come – whatever. I know that the rubbing back and forth works and if it hits a spot and then they can explode. But I think a couple things have to come into play – the stamina, the length of the penis, and whether you need to be reverse or forward.
Dawn Serra: Yeah. I also think examining why do you want to do this position. Is it because it’s fun and you’re feeling sexy? Is it because you like seeing your tits bounce? Is it because he likes seeing your tits bounce? Is it because he likes the view? So you have to like – what about this is fun for you? Then maximize that – it doesn’t have to be about getting off. I mean, I’d say pretty much anytime I’m on top. I’m not going to get off. Now, if I incorporate my magic wand, so that’s against my clit, then I’m grinding – that is probably going to be a recipe for success if I want to come in that position, but I have to incorporate toys or he has to be rubbing my clit. I’m not going to last forever there.
It’s a whole different movement to be like moving your body up and down versus thrusting. I can thrust in a pegging position for 10 times longer than I can bouncing up and down on someone in the on top position. It’s just a whole different set of skills and muscles, and it almost never happens the way that you see in porn, ever. I also like him sitting on a chair or on the couch, and then you riding him that way. That’s something that I really like because then our bodies are really close and it gets a different angle on the cock. I can more easily touch my clit in that position, also trying pillows under his hips so that there’s a little bit of an arch to him, so that his hips are higher; and then your knees have more space to grip around him. That can definitely be something to try or using a liberator wedge – incorporating toys for sure.
Dawn Serra: I think also just being okay with not getting off. I mean, there’s 7000 different positions you can have when you’re having intercourse, much less if you’re having hand sex or mouth sex. You don’t have to be able to comment on all of them. You can have fun in all of them and you can enjoy yourself, and maybe the way your body looks or his body looks or the view. But just because you enjoy that position— there’s lots of positions that I really really really love when it comes to fucking but I’m not going to come that way. And that’s cool, that’s okay because I still like that.
Dylan: I get it. Yeah. I mean, it feels good. But man, I always need to reach the end at some point. Otherwise I’m like, “Ah!!! Fuck this. All this work!” But not all women do, I get it. It still fucking feels good – you’re fucking, you’re having sex with a person you love or whatever, and every position feels good. But I always like to end up trying to strive for the big O.
Dawn Serra: Yeah. But who’s to say you don’t roll over, maybe you’re on top of him and you’re fucking, and you’re getting all sweaty and you’re laughing, and it’s fun and silly, and you feel great. Then as it starts to get more serious, you roll onto your sides and then you fuck that way, or he flips you on your back or you hop off and you masturbate to each other or whatever it is. I mean, there’s 1000 ways that you can transition out of that and into something that does produce orgams..
Dylan: Yeah, maybe she needs to incorporate the clit. Maybe she hasn’t tried that yet. Maybe she’s just doing the old bouncy bounce and hasn’t thought of, “Hey, maybe I need to play with my clit sometimes.” You know what I mean? And he’s not doing it right. Some people like the vibe, and I’m not down with the vibe so I’m like whatevs. I need to stop saying that, I was like, “I’ve been saying it a little bit too much lately.” But not hot, alright? So the vibe – show him how you like your clit touched. Maybe you need to touch your clit. I find that sexy as hell if you’re going to rub your own clit while I’m fucking you, sexy as shit. I’m getting that sometimes he gets tired and that’s why she’s getting on top, and she’s trying to figure out which position would be better. Anatomically, it wouldn’t totally depend on where her spot is.
Dawn Serra: For him, is he the kind of person who orgasms from physical stimulation, from mental stimulation, from visual stimulation? A lot of guys, as long as there’s some physical stimulation, if you can really get the fantasy going, that’ll help push you over the edge. So if you’re on top, maybe the physical sensation isn’t enough to make him come. But maybe if you start saying really, really filthy things to him and you’re bouncing on him and you’re talking really, really dirty; and you’re telling him to look at you and where you want his come and what it feels and tastes like. You can incorporate that, you can incorporate touching yourself and letting him watch you. You could watch porn together while you’re in that position so that he has a different visual or audio cue.
So I mean, there’s definitely lots of ways to get creative here. But don’t feel like you have to get off in these positions and don’t feel like you have to do it until you’re exhausted. Make it fun and see what you can make happen with those. But I mean, I think that the positions you see in porn and the way that they happen are very misleading because that’s not how my body works and I’m super okay with that.
Dylan: It sounds to me like she’s striving to really reach the O. She’s striving to have an orgasm while on top, she wishes which position I need to have an orgasm on. Because she’s frisky, he’s tired. She’s like, “Oh, just get your dick up. I’m going to jump up and down on it.” So this is one of the pros of being a lesbian. I think it’s always hard and I just put it on or whatever, and somebody’s just going to bounce up and down on it. Pick your poison: you want long and slim, you want thick and short, whatever. Pinch your nipples, grab your fucking breath, talk dirty— you want me to talk dirty to you? I’ll fuckin talk dirty, whatever you want. Touch your fuckin clit. Do all of that, incorporate it. Figure out which position works best for you – forward, backwards. I’m like, even fuck sideways if you want to, shit. Maybe he’s got a curved dick. I have no idea.
You just got to get buckwild, girl, and the more you do it, the more you do it – the more stamina you’re going to build because we don’t want you to get exhausted. We want to reach maximum orgasmic euphoria, whatever. Okay, so that’s, that’s my take on that shit.
Dawn Serra: So I was going to say really fast about strap-on sex. So the other day, Alex and I were – we’re fucking in the shower. And he came and I still wanted more. So he put his strap-on on and we picked one of my bigger dildos. Just so that it would feel different and then he bent me over the bed and fucked me, and then I flipped over and I was like hanging off the edge of the bed of my legs up his chest and he was fucking me. Who’s to say that your boyfriend also can’t just strap it on and you can try having sex with a different curve or a different type of cock and see how that works for you. I mean, he won’t get this sensation but he’ll certainly get the visual and the noises that you make, and it was really hot sex even though Alex wasn’t using his attached penis. He was using his strap-on cock. So that’s super an option for dudes who have attached penises. Don’t rule that out.
Dylan: Right. So the ones that you have for you guys is it one of those that’s meant for guys to slip on to his or does he just put it on his pelvis – pubic bone area?
Dawn Serra: So he has the spare parts Deuce so he can DP with it. So his cock goes through one hole and then you can add a dildo through the second hole. But he’ll just pull it over his soft cock and then just put a dildo through one of the holes, and just fuck me that way.
Dylan: Right on, right on.
Dawn Serra: So all kinds of options. The only thing you’re limited by is your creativity.
Dylan: Word.
Dawn Serra: Yeah. So thanks so much for writing in and asking your delightful question. I will get to some of your other questions as I have experts in some of those areas that you were asking about. One of her other questions is about rape fantasies. So I think that could be fun to dig into at some point.
Dylan: You know we’ve talked about that a lot.
Dawn Serra: Yeah.
Dylan: That’s a big one. A lot of people like that and it’s kind of taboo, but I’m a big fan of that.
Dawn Serra: Yeah, me too. I think that can be a fun space to play in. Okay. So I got a question from Barry that I thought you might want to weigh in on. So here’s what Barry says. It says:
“My wife and I have been married for over 10 years and love each other immensely. We have a good sex life for the most part, and we occasionally include fantasy talk during sex. Recently, I’ve been fantasizing about having another man fuck my wife. I brought it up during sex a couple of weeks ago and my wife was obviously surprised by the subject. However, I think she realizes that it turns me on and she sort of went along with it. I’m not bi and I don’t have any urges to do so. But I’m having trouble explaining to her why it turns me on. I have thought about the conventional scenarios and positions, but the one I keep coming back to is my wife on top of me and her sucking the other guy’s dick while he’s standing over my head. That image is just a huge turn on. So how exactly can I communicate to her that I’d really like to make this happen? How would you suggest we go about finding a participant to do this with if she turns out to be on board? Thanks for listening.”
Dylan: So it’s not quite cuckolding. It’s going to be this little particular dynamic of a threesome.
Dawn Serra: Yeah, it sounds like he’s just really turned on by the thought of another man. He wants to see his wife sucking off this other guy while she’s fucking her husband.
Dylan: But not fucking, she can’t?
Dawn Serra: I don’t know. He says, “I’ve been fantasizing about having another man fuck my wife and then offer that one scenario.” So maybe fucking is a part of it, but I don’t think you have to be bi, at all, in order to find this hot.
Dylan: No, that’s totally fucking hot. Totally hot. Wow. The tricky part is always going about how do you find that other person? Usually most men are like, “Yeah, I’m game. I’m sorry, you want me to fuck your wife? Okay, just send me the rules, what are the boundaries?” Blah blah. Then there’s that all that weird thing like, “Do you find him attractive?” “I think he’s cool.” You just gotta go to— I don’t know, I don’t even know what venue is where you just happenstance on that. Maybe it’s – I don’t know. But that’s hot, that’s cool. I’d say go for it. How do you bring that up to your wife? I think you just have to keep having little small – throw little innuendos or hints or little small chats, or whenever you’re having sex. I don’t know. It’s so much easier for me because I just talk about shit blatantly. So I don’t know – I don’t know how to introduce that kind of stuff to people who don’t normally talk about it, because I’m talking about that all the time.
Dawn Serra: Yeah. It sounds like he’s already brought it up with his wife and it sounds like where he’s stuck is trying to find the words for why he finds it hot, so that he can do a better job of describing it to her. I mean, 1.) you’ve already broached the subject and it sounds like she was surprised, but she went along with it. So that sounds like you two have a healthy dynamic. Now it’s just a matter of how you bring it up again.
Dylan: Yeah, that’s a plus.
Dawn Serra: For sure. I think as for why you think it’s hot, that’s just for you to really think about. Is it because you find your wife so sexy that the thought of seeing her in action from this different perspective is what’s turning you on? Or is it because it’s super taboo and you’re not supposed to share her with somebody? Or is it because you want to see her react to someone other than you so that you’ve got this new fantasy and version of her in your sexual repertoire to feel horny about? I mean, there’s lots of different reasons that you could potentially find this hot, and I don’t think you need to find all of them.
Dylan: Right. I mean, we were there. My wife and I were there at one point, remember? It was when we were away back in the day messing around with Rick. She did not necessarily need to participate, but she thought it was fucking hot as hell to watch me and Rick fuck or whatever, you know? Then, of course, we incorporated everyone into it or whatever – whether it was eating pussy or whatever kind of – same same. Instead of sucking dick, eating pussy, whatever.
So, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know how you would even describe that other than that’s fucking hot to watch you do that or whatever. I think in her words, it was almost like, “I know that you would you enjoy that and it’s fucking hot for me to watch you enjoy something.” But in this situation, I’m not sure. It’s like the reverse of that. Does that make sense?
Dawn Serra: Yeah, yeah. I’m glad you brought up that enjoyment piece because, I’ll bet, in his fantasy his wife is very eager to be sucking that other guy’s dick and so she really, really wants it. And I think that’s going to be really important for when they’re talking about moving forward with this, making sure that she truly is wanting to do this for herself and she wants to do this because she thinks it’s going to make their sex life hotter and she’s excited. Because if she’s just doing this to please him, and then they get into that actual scenario and she’s half-heartedly talking on that other guy’s dick. It’s probably going to be a whole different feeling.
Dylan: She’s totally going to want to have to suck that guy’s dick. Otherwise it’s not going to be right. For me, it was like, “Yeah, I’m totally going to fuck this guy right now and it’s going to feel good,” or whatever the hell it is. The wife is like, “That’s fucking hot. I know you’re having a good time. I know it feels good and that’s just fucking hot.” Then she gets excited. But if it’s, “Well, I guess I’ll suck this guy’s dick because it makes my husband happy.” You know what I mean? It’s not the same, it’s not the same.
Dawn Serra: Yeah. I mean, she’s allowed to choose that for herself. But for Barry writing in, if the part of the fantasy is her being really excited about this other guy, then that needs to be part of what gets communicated to your wife, “I don’t want you just doing this for me, because you’re trying to be a good wife. Part of what’s hot is you being excited about this. So I want to make sure that you truly are feeling those things,” or “What do we need to do so that you can feel excited about it?” Because maybe it’s a little bit different than the scenario in his head. Maybe she’s got some ideas about the type of person or maybe it’s another woman or whatever. I think as far as finding someone to do this with you’re spot on, in that it’s very— I mean, they call it a unicorn for a reason.
So when a heterosexual couple wants to find a woman to be there third, it’s super challenging to find that unicorn, to find that third single woman who’s interested in having sex with both the heterosexual male and the heterosexual female. But if you’re looking for a cis guy to have sex with, that’s going to be a way easier to find. I think you can create a couple’s profile on OkCupid and say you’re looking for a guy, and you’re going to be probably be flooded with requests. You can also go to any of the local swingers clubs or go to any of the local dungeons or kink munches, and start making friends and talking to people there to see who you connect with. You could maybe try Tinder but nobody really reads profiles there. So OkCupid’s probably a better bet. And also seeing if there’s any swinging communities in your area, but if you just go to any sex party or dungeon or kink event and start talking to people, you’ll probably pretty easily start finding people who are interested in playing with you if you’re looking for a cis guy.
Dawn Serra: Just making sure that when you find this person, you make it really clear what you’re interested in so that that person has an opportunity to opt in or opt out. Because what’s so frequent with these kinds of fantasies is the third that’s coming in is basically being used as an object to make the couple feel more excited about each other. And if their feelings get involved or if their interest starts to change, it gets dismissed as not being important because the couple’s needs come first. So just be sensitive to that. When you’re approaching people and talking to them, and trying to find someone to play this fantasy out with. But it sounds like, Barry, I mean, your wife didn’t just say, “I want to divorce” or “Ew, gross” when you brought this up. So I think there’s definitely some great potential for talking about it a little bit more.
Dylan: Yeah, yeah, totally. Sounds like a good deal. Go for it.
Dawn Serra: Have you watched any good porn lately?
Dylan: No. Actually, I’ve just been turned off by porn. Sometimes if you watch too much of it, it’s not exciting. So I’m like, “No.” I keep flipping and flipping. I’m like, “Yeah, that’s not working for me. Yeah, that’s not working for me.” It’s like, “Alright, whatever.” So I really haven’t masturbated in quite some time. I’ll have to admit I can’t even remember the last time I did.
Dawn Serra: You know, it’s really funny as I was watching season 11 of Supernatural last week, and in one of the episodes God is in the episode – so literally God. So God’s on earth and one of the main characters walks in, and God has been sitting in his PJ’s watching porn all day long. Dean walks in and God’s like, “I’ve never seen so much porn in my life.” And that just cracked me up so much. It’s the thought of like, we’ve all been there where you go down the rabbit hole. And you ended up hours later going, “Did I just watch that much porn?” I just adore that on the show. They made God spend a whole day just watching porn and eating Chinese food.
Dylan: God, that’s awesome.
Dawn Serra: I know. It’s totally awesome.
Dylan: Oh, man.
Dawn Serra: So what’s coming up next for you? Are you going to keep working your tush off and enjoying the new job?
Dylan: I am, I am. I just passed another milestone with my work. So I am super excited about that and I’m just going to keep us in my ass doing my job. I’m loving it. I couldn’t ask for anything else with that, and just rocking it, you know? And hey, you hit me up, I’ll be available for guest spots here and there. If you’ll have me, if the people of Sex Gets Real will have me back, I would come back for a spot here and there.
Dawn Serra: Hell yeah! Yeah, I know everybody misses you. We’ve had some amazing guests on the past couple of months and some really interviews, but people definitely are still missing the Dawn and Dylan dynamic. As you have more time over the next couple months, I know I would love to have another chance to get freaky sexy, answering questions with Dylan as you drink your beer. And being you’re awesome celesbi…. What do we call it?
Dylan: Celesbian.
Dawn Serra: Yes, celesbian self.
Dylan: Yes, celesbian self. You know what, hit me up because my schedule’s a bit peculiar. So we’re going to get together for lunch in a couple days and then we’ll go over some stuff, and then see where I can – where you might want to squeeze.
Dawn Serra: Sweet. I want to say to all of our listeners, thank you so much for listening. I’m sure you are absolutely adored hearing Dylan again on the show. So I’ll make sure that we get her back in the next couple of weeks or within the next month or two. If you’ve got any questions for us, for me or Dylan, or any of the upcoming experts that I’ve got lined up for the show – on everything from trans bodies to kink to sexual health and all that goodness, go to dawnserra.com and fill out the contact form. Of course, you can always tweet at the show – @Dawn_Serra or leave comments over on Facebook. I’ve been getting tons of messages over on Facebook for the show. So that’s another option. Thank you so much for being here, Dylan. I miss you so much.
Dylan: I know and I can’t wait till we get together! If I could just give a shout out to my neighbors who have been binge listening. I’m like, “What’s up, you perv.” You know who you are. I got your number now. Uh huh.
Dawn Serra: Yeah, shout out to the perv neighbors.
Dylan: I’m out. This is Dylan. Sex Gets Real.
Dawn Serra: So listeners, don’t forget that all throughout the month of September. I am teaching a whole bunch of sex classes at Secret Pleasures Boutique in Washington, DC. See so if you are in the DC area or if you have friends or family who are, be sure to go to sexgetsreal.com/ep124 or go to Secret Pleasures Boutique website and get tickets. I’ve already had one of the classes sell out. The other one is more than halfway sold out at this point. We’re going to add a second kinky class in October because it sold out so quickly. I would love to see you there and meet you in person.
I hope you enjoyed hearing Dylan on the show this week. I know we had a lot of fun catching up. We’re going to have beers together in a couple of days and just hang out for a little bit now that her life is calming down just a touch. I will talk to you next week with a phenomenal interview with Karen BK Chan. Until then, bye.