Sex Gets Real Ep102: Daddy Doms, vibrators, and sex for newbies

Dirty Lola in the house

Dawn has two announcements:

First up, there is a free webinar on March 28th all about intimacy in relationships as you explore non-monogamy and opening an existing relationship up. Register here!

Second, Dawn is an expert speaking at the Love Detox online event that starts April 4th. Learn more here:

This week’s co-host is Dirty Lola, a sex toy extraordinaire at Shag in Brooklyn, and also the creator and host of Sex Ed a Go-Go.

After hearing all about Lola’s new Daddy Dom, we jump into two listener questions.

One listener wants to know how to prepare for experimenting with their girlfriend’s vibrator. We have lots of thoughts.

Another listener is sexually inexperienced and wants to know – how do you even get started with sex and how do you find people to experiment with? Prepare for LOTS of ideas.

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Episode breakdown

  • 0:50 – Dirty Lola joins us today.
  • 1:15 – Victoria Rosa, an open relationship coach in London, is having a super awesome webinar tomorrow, Monday March 28th which you can sign-up for here. She also has a super time-limited free course on jealousy JUST for my listeners, so jump on it here.
  • 2:00Check out the Love Detox summit that Dawn is speaking at on body acceptance and how it impacts your relationships and sex life.
  • 2:34 – Lola has been getting into some trouble, but not the kind you might think.
  • 3:51 – Yay for new lovers being a bus ride away instead of many states away. Local sexing!
  • 4:27 – Isn’t it wonderful when you fall head over heels in love with someone and they do the same with you?
  • 5:57 – Ah, the epic battle of how much to text someone when things are new, but awkward, and you’re upset.
  • 7:16 – Is he worth it?
  • 8:24 – Empathy is so important in friends and lovers. So, find friends who hold space for your feelings, not friends who try to fix you or tell you what to do.
  • 9:12 – “Yeah, I have baggage. I’m a human.”
  • 9:43 – Trust is earned.
  • 10:45 – It’s amazing when someone’s consent game is on point.
  • 11:55 – The wrong response to someone disclosing that they don’t orgasm easily is insisting everybody orgasms when YOU do it. Um, no.
  • 12:22 – Too many people assume that when you talk about sex, it’s some kind of invitation, rather than a simple conversation – like about fishing or reading.
  • 13:16 – Maybe someone who doesn’t orgasm easily LIKES being that way.
  • 14:15 – Baggage is too often framed as a bad thing and used against women with experiences. We need to reframe that and see that often baggage is a bonus – it means someone has been courageous and tried a lot of things, so they have wisdom and lived experiences that help them make better choices.
  • 15:42 – Ignoring red flags is often something we do when we are insecure or new to a type of relationship. Wisdom and experience teach us not to ignore those red flags or to know what they mean as they come up.
  • 16:27 – Is this fear or is it a genuine concern? That’s when having a super awesome friends can be a wonderful place to turn.
  • 19:04 – Emotionally intelligent folks can validate feelings without agitating a situation.
  • 20:34 – What is a Daddy Dom? A little? Lola weighs in.
  • 22:24 – Saying “Daddy” during sex can be fun and it doesn’t have to be part of a role play or a scene. It can just be hot for some folks.
  • 22:58 – BDSM is such a wonderful opportunity to play with various aspects of your sexuality and your self. You’re only limited by your creativity and courage.
  • 24:00 – To vibe or not to vibe? How do you get started and what do you need to do to prepare?
  • 24:56 – Dawn got a new wand attachment and her partner tied the wand so that it was inside of her and she couldn’t remove it. WHEW. Super intense.
  • 26:44 – If you’re new to toys, go on a field trip together to a sex positive toy store or online and look around, talk about what interests you, what scares you, and what is off the table completely. It helps you both learn and makes the conversation easier to have.
  • 28:49 – Start small, experiment to see if you even like vibration or what kind of intensity you want, and then upgrade. Don’t start with a $200 toy.
  • 32:00 – If you’re sharing toys with a partner, if you aren’t fluid bonded, you need to find ways to sterilize or use condoms. Also, never go ass to pussy, only pussy to ass.
  • 34:08 – The Lelo Tara is a pricy but high-quality toy. Check it out here.
  • 35:08 – There are so many options for using toys with someone else – putting it between your bodies as you kiss, teasing each other, mutually masturbating.
  • 36:51 – Vibrators on nipples for the win!
  • 38:49 – A college sophomore at ASU wants to know – how can she start sexually experimenting if she isn’t experienced at all?
  • 39:50 – Listening to sex positive podcasts puts this listener way ahead of most other 18 and 19 year olds when it comes to sex.
  • 40:13 – Masturbation and body exploration is where all sexual experimenting should start.
  • 41:47 – Not only is knowing your body a way to maximize your pleasure, but it also helps to make your partners look like rock stars because you can direct them on what to do and when they do it, they feel amazing.
  • 41:59 – Dawn loves Dan Savage’s thoughts on masturbation for boys versus girls.
  • 44:13 – When you’re looking to explore your sexuality with others, it’s a great idea to sit down and consider your end game. Do you just want hook-ups? A relationship? Friends with benefits? The clearer you are at the beginning, the easier it is to communicate that and set boundaries with the people you’ll be playing with.
  • 46:04 – Hook-up culture is much more common in college, but that doesn’t mean you can’t navigate your own version of sexual experiences within that.
  • 46:51 – Don’t ever rely on someone else to have safer sex tools on hand. Always bring your own. ALWAYS.
  • 47:12 – The number of excuses that penis owners use to get out of using a condom is astounding. So bring your own to the table and don’t play with anyone who tries to talk you out of it.
  • 48:02 – Lucky Bloke now has an assorted condom pack with various sizes.
  • 49:15 – If anyone ever slut shames you for having safer sex supplies, turn around and walk out. Same for comments on your body. Game over.
  • 50:33 – Sexual conversations can be super awkward, so just let it be awkward and it gets easier.
  • 52:19 – When Lola is meeting up with a potential hook-up the first time, she shares their picture, name, and their phone number with several friends.
  • 53:49 – You can have all kinds of sexual experiences without it ever having to lead to intercourse, so allow all of that creativity to be part of what’s on the table.
  • 54:17 – Dawn has some serious advice: BE A TOTAL ASSHOLE.
  • 55:49 – It can feel like there aren’t a lot of options, but there are. So don’t settle and don’t put up with people who don’t respect your boundaries and needs.
  • 56:00 – Setting firm boundaries makes for way better sex.
  • 57:14 – It’s OK to be disappointed about sex sometimes. It happens and it’s how you learn.
  • 59:45 – Want to stay in touch with Lola? Pop over to Sex Ed A Go-Go website, podcast, and Twitter, and Lola’s sexier personal Twitter, @DirtyLola.
  • 1:01:30 – Lola will also be at Catalyst Con in Chicago the first week of April.

And be sure to pin, share, and Instagram this bad boy

Dirty Lola joins Dawn Serra on this week's episode of Sex Gets Real. Lola talks about her Daddy Dom, and then we answer questions on what it's like to play with vibrators and how a sexually inexperienced college student can begin exploring her sexuality.

  • Dawn
  • March 27, 2016

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