Each Wednesday, I answer one of your burning questions on the blog. This week Dutch Husband asks:
Greetings from a listener in the Netherlands! Thanks for your work. I really enjoy your sex-positive attitude and openness. I hope you want to address my question and share your vast wealth of knowledge – as well as a female perspective.
In a couple of months, my wife and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary. We’ve had our share of highs and lows, and I think we came out the other side strong and happy. Our sex life is great, it’s improving and we’re still discovering new fun things to do.
But there is one thing she has always been adamant about to this very day: she will not let me cum anywhere but inside her pussy/ass or in a cloth. She doesn’t want it on her body and most certainly not in her face or mouth. She’s never tried it or tasted it. She will sometimes blow me, but not before wiping off as much of the pre-cum as possible. The kicker? She’s amazing at blowing me, she does this typical swirl with her tongue that just drives me crazy. I am very vocal about how much I enjoy it and how I love her doing it. But when I tell her she is going to make me cum, she sort-of panics, points my dick away and quickly drapes a cloth over it.
I really wish she could overcome this fear. I love giving her head and making her cum all over my face (not the same, I know). Her taste and smell are intoxicating to me.
I also love the taste of my cum. One time, in a fit of utter horniness right after I came in her pussy, I dove in and licked her clean… I wanted to kiss her so bad, it made my skin burn. But when I looked up and saw the look on her face… I didn’t do it again after that.
My secret fantasy is for us to snowball. It’s not only super hot but also incredibly intimate to share this with each other.
What, if anything, can I do to help her start the road to overcome her (imho) irrational fear? What can she do?
Thanks for the question, Dutch Husband.
I love hearing that you two have a fun, expanding sex life 20 years into your relationship. I also love hearing that your wife gives amazing blowjobs and you love eating her out. It sounds like, overall, things are terrific for the both of you.
My first question is – have you tried sitting down with her and having a conversation about her feelings about your ejaculate and pre-cum?
Have you set aside a nice cozy, intimate time to actually ask what her experience is? Not sharing your feelings, not sharing your experience, not sharing your fantasies, but just being curious and open and patient as you give her space to share?
Without doing that, all you can do is guess about her motivations and feelings, and there might be something really important about her past or her feelings that you don’t know about. Also keep in mind that if she feels embarrassed or ashamed around this issue, it might take a few tries before she feels safe enough opening up about this, especially if she’s worried about your reaction.
I also wonder if you’ve expressed to her your love of how she tastes and smells and WHY you love it. By getting vulnerable and sharing your own experience, without having any expectation behind it, you might help her to open to a new perspective about bodily fluids and why can can be so intimate and delicious.
A lot of us, women especially, are raised to see sex as gross, dirty, and disgusting. Shame does that to us. It’s also one of the reasons why many people fetishize cum and sweat and squirting – it’s a response to the narrative that sex is gross and dirty. Eroticizing and perverting the shame to work for us is something we humans are very good at.
There are so many folks who are genuinely disgusted by bodily fluids, often because they have a lot of shame about their own. If this is your wife’s experience, all you can do is hold space and invite some open, playful conversations about this stuff over the course of time.
Instead of focusing on your body and your cum, what would it look like to watch movies together and talk about a scene where they’re pressing their sweaty bodies together? What about porn with female ejaculation and squirting? How can you open up a dialog that feels safe for you both to explore your feelings and fantasies about incorporating taste and smell into your shared sexual experiences?
The bottom line is you can’t pressure your wife to change. Nor is it fair to expect her to live out all of your fantasies.
Sometimes there are fantasies that we have that a partner might not be up for, and if that’s the case, it’s our responsibility to find ways to roll around in those fantasies on our own – through masturbation, erotica, porn, enjoying your own cum, etc.
You definitely don’t want to hide your fantasy (you mentioned “secret” up above).
Rather, it’s about being open about it with yourself and your wife and leaving space for her to say “not for me”. That boundary might be temporary or it might be something she holds onto for her entire life.
It’s not our job to pressure our partners into changing so they meet our needs and expectations. Instead, it’s about creating a safe space where you can both openly discuss any sexual fantasy or feelings, you both feel heard and supported, and nothing about the discussion feels like a demand.
My invitation to you, Dutch Husband, is to:
- Focus on all the things that are fun and delicious about your sex life with your wife. There will always be something in our sexual landscape that a partner can’t or won’t be able to meet. Instead of zeroing in on that one thing that’s not getting met, how can we breathe space into it and open to all the things that are?
- Practice having conversations with your wife about sex in general. Watch erotic films together. Watch porn together. Look at delicious images on Tumblr of erotic scenes that you’d like to recreate. Practice creating a space where you two can talk openly about feelings and desire.
- Then, ask your wife about her feelings and experience of your cum. Make sure that when you have this conversation, you are open, genuinely curious, and in no way interested in controlling the narrative or her experience. It’s not about you at all. Ask gentle questions. Leave lots of space for her to find words without you being defensive. Let her be uncomfortable.
- At some point, find a way to gently and vulnerably share your experience of her juices and your own cum. Don’t just say you like it; get super specific on the why. The intimacy, the closeness, the specialness, the rich flavors, the added senses of taste and smell that make it even more sensual and ecstatic. Find your own words around your why.
- Share your fantasy with her and let her know it’s not a request, but simply a desire to be open with her and share yourself with her so it doesn’t feel like a shameful secret. Let her have her feelings about it.
- Once you two have gotten comfortable with these conversations, then it’s OK to ask her if she might be willing to try your fantasy or even just role play the fantasy without any actual cum happening. If she doesn’t want your cum on her, what if she used words to help fulfill that desire? What if she talked about wanting it and talked about tasting it without actually doing it? That might feel like a lovely way for you both to explore this space.
It can take a lot of time to rewrite the stories we’ve been told about sex and bodies, especially if we have shame around it.
Your wife may change, but it’s a better option for you both if you don’t expect it of her, and instead use this fantasy of yours as a catalyst for creating a healthy, safe space where you both can talk openly about all of your sexual experiences.
That, more than anything else, will be more likely to set you both up for even more sexual adventures, including your snowball fantasy.
Where most people go wrong is in trying to force it, expecting their partner to change for them, or in hiding a fantasy out of a fear of their partner’s reaction.
Oh! One more thing – you mentioned going down on your wife after you came inside of her and how horrified she looked. It’s OK for you to share about that experience with her and how you felt about it. Use “I” statements so that nothing you say comes across as blaming or judgmental. “I love the way you taste. I love the way I taste. I wanted to use that moment to be so close to you, but I felt scared when I saw your face. I’d love to talk about that at some point, but it doesn’t have to be today.” It’s OK to express your desire, as well, as long as she understands it’s OK for her to also say no.
You are clearly on the right path if you and your wife are still experiencing a thriving sex life two decades into your partnership, so keep doing all the stuff that works, and decide if you want to put a little effort into trying a few new things like the ones I mentioned above.
It can be so easy to fixate on the fantasy that is a secret, but you also have the choice to focus your energy on finding ways to connect with your wife around these experiences which can only set you both up for even more resilience and connection down the road.
I hope this was helpful. Best of luck to you both and thank you so much for writing in.
Well, readers – have you ever been grossed out by cum? What did you do to reframe it or get over it? Or, does it still bother you and how do you work around it? Comment below with your thoughts.
Have your own question about sex, relationships, kink, or your body? Send it my way (there’s an anonymous option) and I may answer your inquiry on the podcast or in the weekly advice column, Wednesday Words.