That super kinky stuff scares me, and it’s beautiful

The other day, I came across a picture of something that scared the bejezus out of me. It actually made my mouth go dry, a queazy feeling stirred in my belly, and I was paralyzed. All I wanted to do was look away, but I was frozen and couldn’t move.

The sick part of me wanted to lean in and study the disturbing picture. The rest of me wanted to throw my iPad across the room, dive under the covers, and maybe even toss my cookies (just a wee bit).

What was it you ask? I’m not entirely sure, but I do know it was a picture of a woman’s vulva. Her outer labia had been pierced by needles that were as big as bolts – three in each labia. And I mean, these needles looked like the nails they would have used to put Jesus on the cross. H U G E.

Further back in the frame, trails of blood seeped down her crossed forearms. Though her arms were not the centerpiece of the image, it was clear that someone had thread some kind of thin fishing line or something under her skin in a criss-cross pattern, basically sewing her arms to her body.

To be fair, I have a bit of a needle phobia. Show me an open heart surgery or a bloody birthing scene and I’m grand. But toss in a needle or a blood draw or a shot or…shivers.

So why am I telling you about this?

I went to my first kink events about 7 or 8 years ago at a local sex-positive club. One such event was a queer open play celebration on Pride weekend. I was an observer, and I’d gone with friends. I saw flogging, fisting, wrestling, D/s dynamics, and I even volunteered for a mini fire play demo.

But, I had to excuse myself when I saw a girl settling in with a pile of needles. At the time, I remember thinking “something must be REALLY fucked up with that person that she’s going to sit there and stab herself, and I don’t want to witness that kind of shit.”

And then I joined Fetlife.

HELLO!

To a brand newbie, this website can be an assault on the senses. It’s overwhelming. It’s…shocking. Suspension pictures. Needle art. Open wounds from caning. Body parts sewed shut. Bruising that goes on for days.

It was a lesson in pure discomfort. I just didn’t get it. Not at all.

But the other day, something interesting happened. It shocked me – actually being able to witness my own growth in such a profound way.

Yes, the picture I saw evoked discomfort and fear. But something else bubbled up. In the background of the image was the partner of the woman who had done the piercings. Bad ass, scary, and proud of her work being displayed so brazenly.

I thought, “Wow. The bond they must have. The trust. The fantasies. The LOVE that they must share to be able to dive into these intense, painful places together.”

Think about it. The receiving woman must really believe in her partner to allow these GIGANTIC, sharp metal rods to impale her genitalia. She must have shared some beautifully intimate moments as that thread was being slipped under the skin of her arms, tying her to herself.

Admiration, awe, and a feeling of acceptance settled over me.

Sure, I wanted to throw up. I’m still not sure I could study that picture for more than 10 seconds at a time.

But, here’s the thing.

That picture is not about me. It’s not about what I find sexy or repulsive, safe or terrifying. That picture is a testament to individuals who are living authentically, reaching into their darkness, and embracing a common vision.

That picture is proof that when you can be vulnerable with another person, incredible things can happen.

Their kink isn’t my kink, and they don’t need my validation or my approval.

But, I support their journey, and I will protect their right to explore their sexuality with everything that I have.

Just because something literally scares me to the point of illness, doesn’t make it wrong or ugly or sick. It just makes it different. And different is OK.

The images I see on Fetlife are now less about the needles and the canes and the hooks under flesh, and more about the connection, the journey, the surrender, and the growth of the people behind the objects and the pain.

And that is beautiful.

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NOTE: This post reached 1,000+ “loves” on Fetlife in less than 3 days. The owner of the image reached out to me and confirmed that the needles ARE as big as I claim. She also thanked me for this post…her entire kink family supports what I’ve expressed here, and for that I feel immensely grateful.

  • Dawn
  • January 4, 2014