Sex Gets Real Episode 92

What do you do when you have that scary sex conversation and it blows up on you?

Be sure to sign-up for the Explore More Summit at exploremoresummit.com. It’s free, and Dawn has 30 interviews for you to watch over the course of 10 days, starting January 28th. It’s amazing and even has celebrity guests.

We’ve got listener stories about sex, a question about why a group of swingers needed SO MANY DAMN TOWELS at this hotel, a transphobic politician trying to make horrible laws in Virginia, and a lot more.

One listener writes in saying he tried to talk to his wife about group sex and it went really poorly. Is it him? Why did it go so wrong? Dawn and Dylan have LOTS of ideas on this one.

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Episode breakdown

  • 0:42 – Dylan and her wife decided to find porn with a prostate massager.
  • 1:26 – It’s so easy to go down the porn rabbit hole.
  • 2:01 – “Here’s what I wouldn’t do. Let’s try it!” Having a sense of humor is so healthy about sex with your partner.
  • 2:09 – “And then we watched porn and then we had sex. Win win.”
  • 2:35 – Go to ExploreMoreSummit.com to register for Dawn’s 30 expert, 10 day summit all about sex and relationships. It’s free. And people like Dan Savage, Tristan Taormino, Reid Mihalko, and a bunch of other amazing people.
  • 2:37 – Dawn is being interviewed live on Tuesday, January 19th at 11:20 pm ET by a station out of Toronto. CIUT 89.5 FM. You can listen at ciut.fm. Tune in!
  • 4:22 – Our listener texted with a sweet note.
  • 4:57 – A few weeks ago, we read a listener email with a story of her getting caught by her parents giving a blowjob in the car. Well, Dawn was talking to Dan Savage and he had some additional thoughts on that one.
  • 6:40 – Filthy fifty wrote in about keeping it hot with his wife. They’re both in their 50’s and we applaud having awesome sex at every age.
  • 7:54This article about a Virginia politician who wants to inspect kids genitals to determine which bathroom they use is super transphobic and disgusting. Dawn needs to rant.
  • 10:39 – Dylan’s impression of hippy parents is priceless.
  • 11:17 – Listener Beth wrote in about a quickie competition she had in college with her roommate.
  • 12:50 – Dawn loves this question from our listener, Julie, on swingers and towel hoarding in hotels. How many towels could you POSSIBLY need?
  • 15:40 – You need towels for the shower, towels for massage oil, towels for squirters, towels for anal, towels so lube doesn’t stain the furniture…there are never enough towels for all the hotel sex.
  • 17:51 – Michelle wrote in about a yoga date that ended early because her boyfriend couldn’t handle all the tight pants.
  • 19:08 – You’ve got your wood on the wood.
  • 20:30 – Our listener Tommy needs help. He tried to talk to his wife about some sex stuff and it really didn’t go well. She freaked out.
  • 21:04 – Dylan and her wife struggling with talking about group sex and freaky sex, too. It took time to navigate that.
  • 23:34 – Dylan and the wife went to therapy and even were on the brink of divorce because of trying to navigate non-monogamy. It’s not easy if you aren’t both coming in fully non-monogamous.
  • 23:58 – If you don’t share what you want, it can lead to being sneaky and cheating.
  • 25:00 – Don’t present a finished product to your partner if you’re talking about something new. Start a few steps before that and create a framework for exploring thoughts and feelings together.
  • 27:26 – Dylan’s ex-husband never talked to her about his desires. He just suddenly tried to get her to fuck him in the ass without any discussion and that felt really bad.
  • 29:49 – If you can’t talk about the kind of sex you want, you shouldn’t be having that kind of sex. If you can’t talk about anal play, you shouldn’t be trying to make anal play happen.
  • 30:38 – Dylan tries to explain ass fucking versus prostate play to her wife. Not the most PC of ways to do it, but OK.
  • 31:35 – Just because you have a prostate doesn’t mean you love having it stimulated. It’s very personal.
  • 33:24 – Ass play does not make you gay. Being gay makes you gay.
  • 33:45 – You have to be brave enough to say “we’ve struggled to talk about sex, and I’d love to get better at that. Can we work on it?” If you don’t, you either have to end the relationship or stop complaining about it.
  • 36:23 – If you can’t have the conversation, you shouldn’t be doing the action.
  • 36:33 – When you’re struggling with scary stuff, reinforce how much you love and respect your partner so that it doesn’t feel like a catastrophe if there’s a conflict or crisis.
  • 37:16 – People won’t change if they feel like they don’t have the choice to change.
  • 38:19 – It can feel like you’re going to die if you meet someone or find something you really want, but slowing down won’t kill you especially if you value the relationship you’re in.
  • 40:01 – Dan Savage really believes there are certain circumstances when cheating is OK, but they’re very specific. Otherwise, you need to do everything you can to stay in integrity.
  • 40:49 – Sex workers are terrific when you want to explore sex that your partner can’t or won’t offer you, but you don’t want emotions being a potential problem.
  • 41:52 – Most of us don’t consider hiring sex workers to help with our sex problems and we should. They’re professionals for a reason!
  • 44:35 – When you first start seeing someone, you have to let them know what you’re into and have those sexual conversations from the get-go, so that people know what they’re signing up for.
  • 45:27 – Dylan talking about every hole plugged. Haha.
  • 46:52 – You should talk to your partner about how you want to have difficult conversations. Create a framework for talking about sex and new ideas BEFORE actually talking about the sex and fantasies.
  • 48:31 – Say, “I’ve noticed we don’t talk about sex very often, and when we do it’s super charged. How can we do that better?”
  • 50:02 – Dylan and the wife created a sex calendar that turned into a game for tracking and talking about sex.
  • 53:25 – Dylan’s wife just took charge and made her orgasm happen. Dylan loved it.

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On this week's episode of the Sex Gets Real podcast, Dawn and Dylan field listener stories, a question about swingers in hotels needing loads of towels, and what do you do when you try to talk to your wife about group sex and it blows up in your face?

  • Dawn
  • January 17, 2016