Sex Gets Real 290: Wheelchair sex and being scared of sex

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tl;dr How to have with someone in a wheelchair, being scared of sex and not knowing how to jump in.

This week’s episode is you and me and your emails. Before we get to that, a few announcements.

Save this very informative piece on How to Give Yourself an Abortion using pills. It sounds controversial, but with how difficult it is becoming to access medical abortions for so many people in the U.S., this might save some lives.

I also am sharing two interesting posts about men and testosterone and men and sexual desire by psychotherapist Eric FitzMedrud. There’s some really interesting stuff here that helps to share our conversation masculinity and consent. I’d love to hear what you think!

On to your questions!

Cassandra is about to have sex for the first time with someone new and he is in a wheelchair. She’s not sure how to ask what he likes or how to sext, espcially since he told her that he can’t get erections. What should she do?

Let’s talk about sex with someone in a wheelchair! First, for folks who are super new to sex and disability, Amaze.org has this awesome video to get you started.

I also highly recommend this soon-to-be-published book by Limerence Press, an imprint of Oni Press, called “A Quick and Easy Guide to Sex and Disability” by A. Andrews. It’s a graphic novel all about – you guessed it – sex and disability and I love it. It comes out in May 2020, so follow Limerence on Twitter to hear when it’s out! You can also pre-order it on Amazon.

I offer loads of questions Cassandra can ask her new beau, and I also suggest a Yes No Maybe list. Self Serve Sexuality Resource center has a handy blog post with a bunch of different Yes No Maybe lists you can check out.

Next, Scaredy Cat and Queer & Missing Sex are BOTH scared about sex.

Scaredy Cat is in eating disorder recovery and found me through Christy Harrison’s amazing show, Food Psych. SC hasn’t had a boyfriend and is terrified of sex to the point that she is cutting off potential partners out of fear that they’ll expect or want sex. What can she do?

In addition to all the things I mention on the show, I also pulled together a reading list for SC as a way to start learning, practicing, and finding more language around sex, boundaries, needs, and desires.

Some books to get you going include (forgive the Amazon link – some of these publishers are overseas or not selling books directly):

• Meg-John Barker’s “Enjoy Sex” and “Rewriting the Rules” (highly recommend starting with Enjoy Sex!)
• Allison Moon’s “Girl Sex 101” (great for people of all sexualities even though it’s billed as being for queer folks)
• Emily Nagoski’s “Come As You Are”
• Dr. Lori Brotto’s “Better Sex Through Mindfulness”
• Cristien Storm’s “Living in Liberation” (it’s all about boundary work and it’s amazing)
• Amy Jo Goddard’s “Woman on Fire”

There’s a much bigger recommended reading list you can grab at dawnserra.com/books, too!

Next up, Queer & Missing Sex is a few years out of an abusive relationship and feeling scared about sex, too. What can they do to reconnect with someone and have the fun sex they miss?

Also, huge thanks to Hemlock for their awesome song “Firelight” which was used in this episode between questions. I’m digging it!

Follow Dawn on Instagram.

About Host Dawn Serra:

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: You’re listening to Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra, that’s me. This is a place where we explore sex, bodies, and relationships, from a place of curiosity and inclusion. Tying the personal to the cultural where you’re just as likely to hear tender questions about shame and the complexities of love, as you are to hear experts challenging the dominant stories around pleasure, body politics, and liberation. This is about the big and the small, about sex and everything surrounding it we don’t usually name. The funny, the awkward, the imperfect happen here in service to joy, connection, healing, and creating healthier relationships with ourselves and each other. So welcome to Sex Gets Real. Don’t forget to hit subscribe.

Hello, you! It’s time for another episode of Sex Gets Real. I am so excited you’re here. Your emails have been coming in and I am loving your questions, so keep them coming! The easiest way to reach out is via the contact form at dawnserra.com. I would love to support you around whatever feels tender, stuck, frustrating, scary, or maybe where you’ve got some curiosity.

Dawn Serra: Patrons, this week’s bonus is all about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse when it comes to relationships. We’re going to talk about the four behaviors that signal a relationship is in need of repair. These behaviors have also been found to contribute to relationships that are on the decline and what we can do about it. I wish I’d had this information in my 20s because it would have helped so much. Tune in at patreon.com/sgrpodcast for that bonus content. Supporting the show at $3 a month – just $3 a month! – gets you access to this week’s bonus and all the other bonuses over the past few years. Your help means so much because getting sponsors for the show is really challenging. Every single dollar you send my way really, really has a big impact.

So where are we going this week? Well, I came across a few interesting tidbits that I’ve saved, and that we could roll around in. Then I’ve got a couple of your emails. They’re emails about sex with someone who is paraplegic and in a wheelchair, emails about being terrified of sex, and an email about whether or not it’s important to have a strong sexual relationship with yourself even in relationship, and what it means for a married straight man to want a male masturbation buddy. So much good stuff, right?

Dawn Serra: Okay. Let’s jump in to the things that I saved this week. The first is a resource that Jaclyn Friedman shared and I immediately bookmarked it. I’m going to link to it at dawnserra.com/ep290 – for Episode 290 – so you can grab it, too. It’s an illustrated essay on how to give yourself an abortion, specifically an abortion using pills. It’s really thorough, very interesting. There’s history on how abortions have been managed very safely for millenia throughout cultures with various herbs and medicines. There’s specifics on how it all works, what to expect. Plus, some really important resources for connecting with doctors to get questions answered and loads of other information that I think could be, potentially, lifesaving. 

Even if abortion is not for you, having this information for a friend or a loved one could be really, really important as we see more and more of our reproductive rights being chipped away at, as it’s getting more and more difficult for people to access safe abortions. Be sure that you go grab this and bookmark it, too!

Dawn Serra: The next resource is a colleague of mine shared a recent post on Facebook by someone named Eric FitzMedrud, who is a psychotherapist. Eric does a lot of work around men and sexuality and consent. He has this post about testosterone, and as soon as I read it, I thought, “I need to share this on the show.” I’m going to link to this post at dawnserra.com/ep290, for Episode 290. How are we on Episode 290? Anyway, just in case you want to check out other posts by Eric, there’s actually two that I’m going to share, but here’s the first one, all about testosterone. Eric wrote:

“Men, we need to understand the real nature of testosterone (T). Most of what’s out there in the popular culture are myths about masculinity posing falsely as information about testosterone.

Above a very low baseline, T levels aren’t associated with sexual desire or erection strength. Once that minimum is met, adding more T only affects desire or erection strength for a short period of time. Testosterone is not the key to men’s desire, our psychology is.

Dawn Serra: Testosterone isn’t a “maleness” hormone. After puberty, testosterone levels drop significantly and continue to decline as we age. Low testosterone doesn’t make you “not a man.” “Masculinity” isn’t caused by higher testosterone or vice versa. Testosterone levels overlap between men and women by 10-15%. Testosterone levels may vary significantly within individuals over the course of a day and across time. Parenting can reduce testosterone levels, but fathering is no less male, manly, desirable, or awesome.

Different people are more or less sensitive to their T levels. So a person with high sensitivity to testosterone, but low testosterone levels may be more influenced by it than someone with higher testosterone but low sensitivity to it. That means a woman trying to get her makeup perfect, a woman kicking butt as a lawyer, a male pro athlete, and a male painter may all be influenced by their different levels of testosterone in psychologically similar ways to strive and work hard.

Testosterone is not responsible for men’s violence. The ratio of testosterone to cortisol and serotonin does seem to relate to violence. Cortisol levels rise with fear of punishment and censure, so culture may inhibit violence or create safety regardless of testosterone levels.

Dawn Serra: If testosterone doesn’t equal desire, then we have to learn about the psychology of our desire to understand, regulate, and improve it. If testosterone doesn’t create maleness, then we can define the kind of man or person we want to be for ourselves. If T doesn’t create men’s violence, then we are responsible for creating accountability for violence and ensuring safety.”

Interesting, isn’t it, how often we hear that it’s testosterone that’s causing all the violence and the problems. This post by Eric offers us a chance to start asking new questions about masculinity, which we desperately need, and so many of the cultural and social beliefs that we ascribe to men.

Dawn Serra: I was scrolling through Eric’s feed just to see what I could find, he seems to be very trans affirming. There’s a lot of trans activism stuff on his posts. There’s lots of posts about consent and behavior. I came across another post from a few weeks ago that I appreciated and I thought, “I’ll share this little tidbit, too.” Here’s what Eric wrote about men’s sexual desire:

“Men, regulating our sexual desire is our responsibility and no one else’s. No one ever teaches why or how beyond, ‘Don’t!’ That’s why one of the first skills I teach is regulating desire. Why regulate desire? If you remember that other people are fully autonomous humans with needs, feelings, and experiences that are different from yours, then you won’t make any assumptions. You’ll want to regulate yourself.

Dawn Serra: If you are attracted to women, empathy has special relevance. Most women have experienced sexual harassment, coercion, assault, or rape. Every woman knows someone who has had one or more of those experiences. Empathy for women means knowing your desire could be threatening. So now you want to regulate your desire, but how? 

There are a few core steps. Take charge of your own pleasure – Yes! Masturbation among other things – manage your attention, savor appreciation, stay focused on the kind of person you want to be, regulate stimulus, and use consent practices. The plumbing of sex is simple. The psychology of sex is unique & dynamic. It takes guidance & practice to navigate skillfully.”

Dawn Serra: This made me think about one of my favorite conversations that I’ve had over the years. It was with Cavanaugh Quick. We were talking about the importance of being able to be with our arousal and our desire without needing to take action, which is something that we really rarely hear about. Can we feel aroused without needing to do something about it in that moment? Because sometimes we’re aroused in a place where that’s just not realistic or it would potentially do damage to our career or relationships, can we own the wanting, our desires, while acknowledging that sometimes they might not be possible or now might not be the time? I think about that a lot.

When I think about what Eric is offering here about testosterone and sexual desire for men, it really does give me hope. I mean, we can’t dismantle patriarchy, misogyny, toxic masculinity without men. If we can begin teaching and learning about masculinity in new ways that offer more opportunities for feeling validated and supported without feeling entitled to other people’s bodies, that would be such a huge step towards healing for all of us, which I want.

I don’t know a lot about Eric’s work, but I do plan on doing a deeper dive because my cursory glances through his social media seems like he was asking some pretty cool questions, If you want to check him out, I’m going to share those posts at dawnserra.com/ep290. You can check those out, and then follow him if you want.

Dawn Serra: There was one other thing I saved this week. It was a series of posts about relationship killers and relationship savers by @risingwoman, which is a really popular account on Instagram. I wanted to be in them with you. Here’s what they say: 

Relationship Savers:

Curiosity 

Listening

Compassion 

Consideration 

Holding space 

Communication 

Willingness to lean in 

Embracing differences 

Freedom to be self-expressed 

Abundant energy toward connection

Commitment even when times are hard

Relationship Killers:

Unspoken expectations 

Avoidance 

Needing to be right 

“Be more like me” mentality 

Reactivity and impatience 

Withholding your truth and love 

Ignoring bids for connection 

Micro-managing and control 

Demands rather than invitations 

Betrayals of trust 

Keeping score

Dawn Serra: They also have a list of deal breakers. Now, all of our deal breakers might include these and some other things or might be slightly different. This is just what Rising Woman is offering. I think that it’s a baseline for deal breakers, and that is: 

Control 

Attack 

Apathy 

Manipulation 

Disrespect 

Violence 

Physical, verbal, psychological or emotional abuse 

Racism and ignorance 

Gaslighting

Repeat boundary violations

Dawn Serra: The fourth thing that they posted around this cluster is called “How to do the Work.” I really like a lot of the things they have on this list. Of course, they are situational and contextual. You also might hear the snow plow that’s going by outside because it is snowing so much in Vancouver this weekend. So, how to do the work: 

Slow down and take a breath before responding

Respond, don’t react

Ask questions before making assumptions

Assume the best of your partners intentions

Don’t take things personally

Be clear with your needs, desires, and boundaries

Practice self-care

Do inner-child work

Remember you are both imperfect 

Dawn Serra: I think that that last point – Remember you are both imperfect – this is especially important because even the thing around being clear with your needs, desires, and boundaries, sometimes we don’t know what they are until we’re in the thick of it. And allowing for imperfection, allowing for people not  to know, for people to change their mind, that’s a really important part of doing this work of being relational with other human beings. I thought those were interesting.

We circle these concepts a lot on the show often. Sometimes we have to hear something multiple times or on a really particular way before we take it in or feel ready to feel into the truth of it. While most of what I just shared isn’t new to long-time listeners, I do think it’s a helpful reminder of some of the things we can be asking ourselves and observing in the ways that we do relationships. 

Dawn Serra: I will just say Rising Woman has a lot of stuff about conscious relationships. It tends to be very focused on divine feminine and heteronormativity, so that stuff is not my jam. But I do think these lists are helpful, and they apply to all of our relationships. This isn’t only about sexual and romantic relationships. Everything that was on that list – for relationship savers, relationship killers, deal breaker, and how to do the work – is true for our platonic friendships, our familial relationships, professional relationships, all the relationships that we might have in our life.

So I wonder, as you listen to this these lists, what are you noticing? What needs attention? What might need to be practiced? What repair might need to be made? If you have thoughts or notice something about your own relationships, write to me and let me know. You know I love hearing from you. Let’s pivot and sink into your emails.

Dawn Serra: This first email comes from Cassandra. Cassandra writes: “Hi there, Dawn! I had a quick question about sex with a man who is in a wheelchair. I met a guy who is paraplegic, and he has told me he can never get an erection again because of the damage from his accident. While it doesn’t bother me, I have no idea what to do going forward. I’ve never dated a guy in a wheelchair. While we are taking things slow, I’m scared of going to bed with him because it’s something I’ve never experienced before. He’s says he likes being teased, and while we try to sext, I have no idea what to say or do. Any help or advice moving forward would be much appreciated. I love your podcast and can’t wait to hear what you have to say!”

Ah! Well, hi, Cassandra! How exciting that you met someone and are asking these really important questions. Disability and sex is a huge arena because there’s, 1.) so many different kinds of disabilities, and 2.) every single body is totally unique. You can have someone in a wheelchair, where sex is really fun and sexy and offer all sorts of new positions and sex acts to discover and then have another person who’s just not interested.

Dawn Serra: The first thing I want to share is for folks who are really new to thinking about sex and disability, there is a sweet and informative little five-minute video by amaze.org, all about disability and sex. I’m going to link to that at dawnserra.com/ep290. While it doesn’t help you now, Cassandra, I did have the opportunity to do an advance read of a new graphic novel called “A Quick and Easy Guide to Sex and Disability” by A. Andrews. I’m going to try and have them on the show soon. It comes out in May of 2020, and it is great. I hope everyone gets a copy. This is something all of us should have on our shelves. Just a little starter. I also recommend following Andrew Gurza on Twitter and Facebook. He talks a lot about sex and disability, of course, on his podcast, “Disability After Dark,” and he talks a lot about sex and sexual ableism, being in a chair.

The bottomline for you, Cassandra, is it’s OK to be nervous anytime we’re doing something new, especially when it’s something new with someone that we want to impress and that we like because we want them to have a good time. Whether the person that you’re thinking about having sex with is in a wheelchair, uses a cane, is over the age of 65, or is young and able-bodied, the only way to know what someone is into is to ask. Curiosity is, actually, one of the very best things we can bring into any situation, particularly around sex, because no two people are alike. One person in a wheelchair might love having someone in their lap, and another person in a wheelchair might really dislike that. One person might love using sex toys on you and another might prefer using their hands and tongue. One wheelchair user might love having their chair touched and seeing your body slide along the wheel as you move in for a kiss, really incorporating it as if it’s a part of their body, and another wheelchair user might not, just like some people like having their feet touched and some don’t.

Dawn Serra: Basically, because disability is such a personal thing, the only way to know how to have sex with this guy, is to learn how to have sex with this guy – chair or not. I think it’s simultaneously hot and informative – which is a win-win – to playfully ask about his fantasies, his favorite ways of having had sex in the past, what he’d love to do to you. Some questions I came up with are: What turns you on? What would you love to do to me if we were alone right now? What is your favorite sexual memory? What’s something you’d love to try someday? Where are you most hungry for me to touch you? If I were to lick you anywhere on your body, where would you love to feel my tongue or see my tongue (if maybe there’s a part of his body he can’t feel, but it would really turn him on to see you lick it)?  What’s your favorite way to get a partner off?

Of course, something else you can do during sexting, specifically, is share your experience. Because that’s hot! Telling him how turned on you feel, how wet you are, which parts of your body have goosebumps or feel hot, how much you can’t wait to feel his mouth on your skin.  All of that is delicious and focuses on the things you’re the expert in, which is you.

Dawn Serra: It’s okay to admit to him you feel a little awkward, to see if he’s down for a little playful sharing. In fact, A. Andrew’s in “A Quick and Easy Guide to Sex and Disability” suggests that able-bodied people ask their disabled partners questions like, “What do you like?” or even offering, “This is all new for me, and I’m excited to learn!” Because what’s hotter than excitement and curiosity? I can’t think of much.

A couple other questions might be how does he love being touched? Are there any toys, pillows, or other sexy accoutrement that he enjoys having on hand for sex? You can also offer those types of things. Maybe you personally find it more comfortable when you have a couple of pillows under your legs or when you’re tied in a certain position, so that you don’t have to hold your body that way. Offer that up. Even going through a “Yes, No, Maybe” list could be a really fun way for both of you to share your wants, your needs, your desires, and your limits and for it to be a collaborative activity. If you want a list of “Yes, No, Maybe” lists, there is a link that I am sharing to Self Serve Sexuality Resource Center. They’ve got a link on their blog with a whole bunch of options. I’m going to link to that at dawnserra.com/ep290. Check that out. All of these questions that I’m offering are questions I would ask anyone that I was going to have sex with. 

Dawn Serra: So it’s less about the chair and more about getting to know him and his body. Plenty of people who are not in wheelchairs don’t experience erections, and lots of people who are in wheelchairs do. It’s more about just getting to know his body, where he feels sensation, what he likes doing, and sharing the same. I mean, my guess is there’s so many things you want to know about ways to make him feel good. The only way to know those answers is to ask. If there’s a part of his body that he doesn’t like having touched, he’s going to tell you. And it’s really not as helpful knowing what not to do as knowing what to do. He’s the only one that can answer that question.

As for the sex itself, when you’re in person, you have so many cues that can help direct the action. I mean, talking about sex and what feels good is really important. The more we can do that with ease, the more fun options we have. But, in person, you also are going to have things like gasps and sighs and moans and those yeses and those mores and shifting body positions and seeing his cheeks flush or maybe him moving away. So you can learn so much from all of that body communications, too. Regardless of the body that we’re in, there’s all these delicious information that we can be picking up on as we’re relating to each other. You two are going to find your way, especially if you focus on pleasure, curiosity, and really co-creating experiences together. It’s not about the things that he can’t do, but about the things he wants to do and that he enjoys. And the same for you.

Dawn Serra: I think something that you can do is to take the initiative in sharing the ways you like your body to be touched, sharing the things you enjoy, the things that are comfortable for you versus the things that are awkward and uncomfortable, as a way to model to him that sharing openly is really important to you. Then be patient and be direct. If your partner had broken an arm, you would absolutely ask what touch and positions were comfortable for them, and this is no different. It’s a person with a body and that body does different thing than yours, so you’ll want to ask.

There’s so much opportunity here, and I can not wait for the two of you to discover each other and to play and to try things. I hope, Cassandra, that that gives you some ideas and that you have a blast. Report back!

Dawn Serra: Over the past few weeks, I have received two different emails from two different people that essentially boil down to “I’m scared of sex!” I’m going to field each of them in this episode, but I’m going to field them separately because the circumstances and the context are different enough that I think there are some different questions and some different skills that can be applied to them. So let’s start with the first one. The email says:

“Hi Dawn! I found out about you thru Christie Harrison’s Food Pysch podcast, with your episode on “Pleasure, Sex and Body Acceptance,” and I loved it! The episode had me examining a lot of my own feelings towards sex and my body. I am in recovery for an eating disorder, and I’m struggling with becoming more comfortable and sexual in my post-recovery body. I’m comfortable with my own body, mostly. But another person? No way.

Dawn Serra: I’m a 23-year old female and I’m terrified of sex. No real reason why, but I suspect it might have to do with a conservative religious upbringing and lots of negative messages about sex and power that I’m trying to sort out. I’ve never had a boyfriend before either, and would really love to connect with someone on that level. I’m very interested in dating and having sex. I have even been in a few situations where I would have been able to try it, but the distress it caused felt like hitting a wall each time. The idea of physical intimacy is so scary to me that it hinders my ability to seek out and have romantic relationships. I have ended budding relationships when I felt too threatened by the idea of being physically intimate, especially when my partner wanted to have sex. Some pressured me, and some didn’t. But I was very anxious in either scenario. 

Now, I reject any romantic invites, whether they’re for a coffee date or a hookup or anywhere in between. Because I’m afraid I’ll disappoint the other person with how unavailable I am. The entire situation causes me more anxiety because I know I will have to reckon with the topic of sex sooner or later. I’m very uncomfortable having someone interested in me because I don’t understand what the other person wants from me. I would love to have a romantic partner I could explore sex and physical intimacy with, but I’m worried my inexperience and a need for a slower – almost glacial – paced physical relationship will be a deal breaker for lots of people. 

Dawn Serra: I would love some advice on how to overcome this discomfort with sex so that I can start dating without so much anxiety, and seriously begin searching for a partner whom I connect with romantically, emotionally, intellectually, and feel comfortable enough with to get physical. Any tips on where to begin unpacking would be great. I’m searching for a therapist as well to begin helping me address some of these issues. Thanks in advance! Love the show. You’re doing amazing work. Thanks for all of it. Scaredy Cat”

Oh! Scaredy Cat! What a lusciously vulnerable email! You are not alone by a long shot. I’m so happy to hear you’re in recovery and getting to know your post-recovery body. Talk about deep, important work. Holy smokes! Yes! Before I weigh in, I posed your email to Patrons, who support the show at $5 per month and above. Two different people shared their thoughts. I thought we could start there.

Dawn Serra: First, Leatstarlet offers: “Hi Scaredy Cat. Sex is complicated! If we have had people put pressure on us in the past, it can make it seem even more daunting and scary. Something that could be useful to you is to watch some porn or read dirty stories and learn about what turns you on, what you find sexy or erotic. Perhaps, you’ll find that you are asexual. That is totally okay. But I think creating your sexual relationship starts with yourself. Once you learn what you like and don’t like, you can share that with someone. The right person for you will be patient and will see you as a whole human being and not just a thing to have sex with. What you’re experiencing is totally normal, there’s a lot of societal and social pressure to perform sexuality in a specific way. Do whatever makes you feel good. Good luck.” 

Yes. I love Leatstarlet’s suggestion of working on a sexual relationship with yourself first while also acknowledging the very real pressures that we’re under around sexuality and performance. 

Dawn Serra: The other person who commented was Steph P. Steph says: “Hi ScaredyCat, I agree with the comment above about your experience is valid. Good for you for recognizing all these things going on with you. I wonder if platonic physical intimacy would be a nice way to get comfortable. The stakes are much lower and you could ask a best friend or someone close to you to practice some things that feel good, like holding hands or cuddling while watching a movie as a way to check in and see what you like.  The right sexual partner is out there. I know, often, Dawn recommends being honest in your dating profiles because potential dates can pre-screen themselves. Perhaps it would help knowing your potential dates already get that you are looking to move forward at your pace and nothing faster? I think you are strong for what you’ve done and you have everything you need to do this. All the best!”

Echoing Steph, you have overcome so much, and you have so many skills at your disposal, which is a great thing. Huge thanks to Leatstarlet and Steph P, both for supporting the show and for sharing their input on this question of being scared of sex.

Dawn Serra: Okay. Scaredy Cat, you and your body have been through some stuff. Eating disorder recovery takes so much courage, and it can be such a complicated place to be. I love that you tune into Christy Harrison’s podcast Food Psych because that is a treasure trove of goodness for anyone wanting a different relationship with food and body. Highly recommend that to anybody who hasn’t heard it. It makes total sense that you have been doing all this work and are starting to feel more at ease with your body, while feeling scared by the idea of expanding that circle to include others. I mean, it’s one thing to do all that work, which is hard, and to practice to start finding some kindness for ourselves. It’s entirely something else to be in recovery and to open ourselves up to the reactions and comments from someone else, especially when we’re talking about getting naked and vulnerable. That is scary!

I really love Leatstarlet’s invitation to deepen your sexual relationship with yourself. It makes me think of adrienne maree brown’s words from her poem that I’ve read before on the show. But specifically, “touch yourself early and often, learn your body before you share your body, let yes come from every part of you before you share you.”

Dawn Serra: Your relationship with your body, Scaredy Cat, has been through some big changes and will continue to evolve and grow as you deepen into recovery. How well do you know this body of yours as it is today? What touch makes you shiver and moan? What movements and positions make pleasure more accessible for you? What things do you fantasize about? What turns you on and gets you hungry for touch? What is your relationship with masturbation and teasing and orgasm?

Often, because of shame, because of so many other things, we avoid getting to know ourselves. Because it can be scary to really feel into our edges, to explore our bodies when they’ve been sources of shame and distrust. But there is a big difference going into a sexual encounter with someone, between knowing ourselves and the ways we like to be touched versus expecting the other person to be the one who figures it out for us. That’s a lot of pressure for everyone involved.

Dawn Serra: I also think that it would be really helpful and supportive to work with someone that’s a sex coach like me – if you want to work with me, I’d love to hear from you – or with a sex therapist so that you feel less alone as you venture into some of these questions and these tender spaces. I’m really happy to hear you’re already looking for a therapist. Do be sure to ask them hard questions. Ensure they’re eating disorder and HAES informed. Ensure that they’re sex positive and trauma-informed. It might take going through a few before you find someone who is a really good fit. Don’t settle if you don’t have to, especially around stuff with sex.

I also think Steph P brought up how often I recommend people lead with the things they’re most worried about in their dating profiles. I think that’s a terrific suggestion here. There’s nothing wrong with stating in your profile you’re looking for someone who is patient and willing to take things slowly, who wants to get to know you before moving into anything physical. You said, Scaredy Cat, “I’m worried my inexperience and need for a slower – almost glacial – paced physical relationship will be a deal breaker for lots of folks.” It will be. That’s just the truth. It will be a dealbreaker for lots of people. 

Dawn Serra: So celebrate that! You don’t want those people pressuring you or trying to manipulate you or ghosting you because they were expecting a hook-up. Good riddance! That is a whole lot of pain and shame and rejection and fear that you just don’t even have to deal with.

I would rather… I don’t know if you would rather. I’ll leave that as a question for you. But I would rather have 2 or 3 or 4 really great potential matches who understand right from the get-go what you need, and they’re opting into it, than have dozens or hundreds of folks that you have to explain it to over and over again, to have them disappear, to have them reject you to your face. No! Lead with your needs and boundaries. Lead with the things you want. Then let people opt in. That way, you know the people who are talking to you and who are showing up either really are opting in or they’re hoping that it’s just some type of way to rule people out. Either way, you’re going to have way less labor and way fewer expectations coming in, so that you can actually just meet as you are.

Dawn Serra: It also might mean online dating just isn’t for you right now, which is also really okay. More and more people who write in, who come to me for coaching are completely over the online dating and the hook-up scene. Meeting people in person might be slower and a little bit more challenging in some ways, but it also means more opportunity to do things you love and to meet people who also enjoy those things. I mean, whether it’s movies or walking or photography or travel or board games or cooking or writing groups or karaoke, being able to go do a thing that brings joy to your life, and then potentially meeting people who love the thing that brings joy into your life, is amazing! Again, it might be slower, it might take more time than doing all the swipety-swipes on online dating, but there could be something really  special there.

Another thing that I think could help you a lot, Scaredy Cat, is reading a whole bunch of sex positive books. I’m going to create a list just for you at dawnserra.com/ep290. So go there and check out the list of books. Having more vocabulary, more stories, more comfort with just the topic of sex in general and with bodies is going to arm you with so many more opportunities for being able to communicate your needs and desires and even just to know yourself a little better. That’s a great thing to bring in to exchanges with other human beings. Also, like Leatstarlet said, checking out erotica and feminist porn could give you lots of ideas and language that give you an opportunity to feel into some of the things that you might want, that you might not want. Seeing other people do things can help take some of the fear and the edge away. 

Dawn Serra: For people who are looking for a bigger recommended reading list, in case you didn’t know, I have an official big, huge fall recommended reading list that’s got all kinds of stuff on it. You can get that for free at dawnserra.com/books. To you Scaredy Cat, there’s a list specifically that I’ve put together for you that I think would be a great jumping off point around these things because it’s new and scary. But for people who love books, if you want to see all of my recommended books, dawnserra.com/books is where my official reading list is.

Back to you Scaredy Cat, you deserve to meet people who want to get to know you and who are interested in moving at your pace. Pushing yourself to move faster just for someone else is a fast path to more distrust with your body and create some potential trauma. I don’t think either of those things are things that you want. So the question I have for you is, what would help you to feel fierce and unapologetic about where you are?

Dawn Serra: If you imagine a fierce, unapologetic, confident version of you, who gives zero fucks if someone doesn’t appreciate or understand your boundaries and your timelines, how would you stand? What would you wear? How easy would it be to say, “No,” or “That’s not for me”? What are some ways you can practice smaller versions of that kind of fierce taking up of space in your life so that you have a chance to start finding those words and that power because that’s what it’s about? Being in your power.

It’s a really tricky thing when it comes to our fears. Often, we’re scared for very good reasons. And our fear also likes to trick us. It likes to trick us into staying scared even when we really don’t really need to be any longer because our fear is trying so hard to protect us from getting hurt. Often, fear shows up for a really good reason, and then overstays its welcome and starts keeping us from the things that would make us feel more alive. Because those things that make us feel most alive often mean getting vulnerable, taking risks, putting ourselves out there – all opportunities for getting hurt, which fear hates.

Dawn Serra: That “just do it” mentality, that’s so popular these days, can really cause us to detach from our bodies, to dissociate, to ignore our inner wisdom, which can lead us to hurting ourselves. One of the tried and tested ways we shrink fear is by doing that scary thing again and again until it isn’t that scary anymore. Instead of pushing ourselves into the deep end, tiptoeing gently into the shallow end with support.

The key is lots of support, lots of checking in with yourself, lots of practice, and super, super mini steps. And trusting that you have the tools to bounce back from any oops or rejections that might happen. Again, that’s why support is so important. Rejection is a part of this process. Making mistakes, getting things wrong, that’s all a part of this. Once you do it a number of times, you get to a place where you’re like, “Woah! Well, that sucked. But I’ve survived that and worse.” When we’re new to these things, that support is so important, so we have a soft place to land and to see that we’re still lovable, desirable, and worthy.

Dawn Serra: There are people out there who want to meet a super awesome, caring person just like you, Scaredy Cat. People who don’t mind taking their time, slowing down, having all kinds of fun dates and conversations before getting to anything physical. I mean, hell, there are so many people who want nothing but all that yummy intimacy without the sex. That’s literally the definition of someone who is asexual! And there are loads of people all along the asexuality spectrum where your exact situation would feel like such a relief to them and bring so much joy because there isn’t a pressure of sex for them either. What if instead of being scared of all the wrong people wanting things from you, your quest became about finding all of these lovely people who would love to meet you right where you’re at?

One other thing that might be helpful for you – and I recommend this for so many reasons – is the option of working with a professional, as in a sex professional. Would it feel less scary to hire a professional with the express purpose of having a chance to experience some things, to practice with someone, without the added pressure of relationship and expectation? Some people find the idea of working with a sex worker less scary than maybe someone who’s considering you as a potential mate and some people find that option way more scary. I’m just putting that out there as a thing you have permission to explore. It’s an option. If engaging sexually with a sex worker with whom you two get to create the boundaries and there’s no expectations at all, maybe that feels really freeing. Or, it might feel more scary. So just an option.

Dawn Serra: The only other piece of advice that I want to offer, because I feel like I’m starting to overwhelm you with ideas, is have fun. Have fun signing yourself up for activities that bring you joy. If you meet someone that way, magic! Someone who’s attracted to you because you’re doing something that brings you pleasure, yes! Have fun exploring your body, befriending your pleasure. Have fun shopping for sex toys that maybe offer you new pathways to even more pleasure. Have fun reading all of the books on the list I have on the site and circling things and highlighting things and underlining things and pulling things out that feel like a great big yes. Have fun getting to know people. No pressure for it to mean something or lead somewhere, just the delight in getting to know another human and taking it day by day. Find ways for practicing yes and no to feel fun. Find playful ways to connect, to experience intimacy, like Steph P said, maybe with a friend. And find ways to validate yourself whenever you take up space and articulate a need or a boundary. That’s huge! The more you’re able to do that, the more you’re going to be moving into that fiercely powerful place. 

The more play, the more curiosity, the more you’re able to bring a true sense of adventure – not being tied to an outcome or a destination, but instead, really actually savoring each new experience and each moment for the pleasure, the learning, the growth that it brings – that is going to put you in a position where you’re more likely to find people who enrich your life, whether they end up being partners or not. That’s something that all of us could use! That moves you so much closer to these things that you want.

Dawn Serra: I hope this gives you some permission to get support, to try new things, to start building that foundation of understanding your needs and your pleasure. I also would love to invite you to join me with my Power in Pleasure course. It’s totally online and it’s really gentle and takes us so deeply into the stories we have around food, around body, sex, and boundaries. I think that you would really enjoy it, Scaredy Cat, and take a lot away. The next cohort kicks off May 3rd, 2020 and it’s going to run for five weeks. It would be so fun to have you there. We have six weekly calls over the course of the course. You can ask all sorts of questions and be with others who are asking big questions about their pleasure, too. That might feel really supportive. So keep an eye out to that.

Anyway, Scaredy Cat, you are allowed to take as much time as you need. You are allowed to take as much time as you need. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re not behind. It’s not abnormal. You need this time. There are so many people out there who want to be in that time with you. So stretch into it unapologetically, and good luck!

Dawn Serra: The second email I received about being scared of sex comes from Queer & Missing Sex. It reads: “Dawn, I so appreciate your invitation to write to you that I hear on every divine episode that you produce and i often think, “I should write,” and then, “But what would I say?”  Finally, it has come to me. The truth is, right now, I’m scared of sex. And I miss it in my life. Here’s a little backstory.

Ten years ago, I started really expanding, breaking out of the “good southern girl” mold, which led me to an older partner with whom I learned tantra, was poly with, got into a lot of new kink, and accidentally, also became a parent with. As I woke up, I realized so many aspects of the relationship felt bad and oppressive. I was often getting sick after sexual interactions. I can so relate with what you read last week about toxic polyamory.  In addition to having a child with him, sex was the glue that held us together and kept me entwined. It took a lot of work to purge the lasting bonds that level of sexual exploration creates between two people. The relationship ended four years ago with an unwanted insemination, sexual assault, breaking agreements, and betrayal. I hit rock bottom. 

Dawn Serra: For the last four years, I’ve worked so hard to rebuild myself and stabilize my life and to give my child the best life possible which has entailed coming to terms with what happened and facing PTSD. In this time, I’ve also transitioned from bisexual cis fem to non-binary queer. I decided that a focus on sex and orgasmic energy was distracting me from grounding because it gave me these, “It’s okay to be indulgent and slow down,” endorphins, and what I needed was, “Get out. Rebuild. Get shit done,” energy so I could heal. 

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me. Now, I’m literally a new version of myself. I’m not sure how to connect with the kinds of folks I’m interested in. I get so anxious and feel like a fool with people I’m interested in, which means I rarely have success.  I miss sex and I’m afraid to put myself out there, but something’s got to change. What next? Thank you for your love and advice. Queer & Missing Sex”

Dawn Serra: Oh. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Queer & Missing Sex. I want to begin by saying I am so sorry to hear about the unwanted insemination, sexual assault, breaking agreements, and betrayal. That is a lot to have gone through. It sounds like you’ve been working so hard these past few years on healing. I’m glad you’ve given yourself that time. The healing process is slow and always on-going. Hopefully, some of what I shared for Scaredy Cat feels helpful for your situation, as well. Connecting with folks when you’re literally a new version of yourself is huge and scary and new and weird and exciting. Yes to all of it!

I think the first question I have is what kinds of folks are you interested in? Are they bar lovers? Are they indie movie geeks? Are they social justice warriors and feminist and queer hotties? More importantly – and this goes for you, too, Scaredy Cat – how do you want to feel when you’re in relationship again down the road? This question is my holy grail for dating and relationships because so often when we think to ourselves, “I’d love to find a queer, 30-something who knows all about feminist theory and is kinky and has a great sense of humor,” we’re short changing ourselves because that’s essentially a checklist of qualities and attributes rather than a deeper examination of the behaviors that actually help us to feel seen, to feel heard, to feel valued and loved and understood.

Dawn Serra: So, how would you like to feel as you move into this next phase? What behaviors and attitudes from folks help to foster a space where those feelings you want to feel are possible? If you want to feel open, at ease, curious, what kinds of behaviors help you to feel more open, at ease, and curious?

Once you know that, it becomes a lot easier to start feeling into the potential of your encounters. Do they handle your no well? Do they respect your boundaries without question? Do they easily share about themselves? Are they willing to go deeper places? These are all things that I start noticing when I’m with new people because I really only want people in my life – platonic, romantic, sexual, professional – who can meet me in these ways.

Dawn Serra: For you, having that clarity can also help with confidence. I do recommend writing down these things that you want to feel because sometimes we end up around people who are really charismatic and who are really intoxicating, and we stop paying attention to these little passive aggressive comments they make or that little voice that tells us they aren’t sharing something. Being able to return to that list of feelings that you came up with when you were in a really clear place helps you to know what you’re cultivating with someone. You can start noticing things like gaslighty behaviors or dismissive behaviors a lot sooner, if you’ve got that thing. Like, “Am I feeling at ease?” “Am I feeling open and I can share?”

You also said you get anxious and feel like a fool around the people that you’re interested in. The first thing I want to say is so many people find awkwardness charming. If you find folks who keep talking to you even after you stumble and bumble, those are folks who probably aren’t bothered by your anxiety. You want more of those folk. Sometimes naming our awkward helps, too. There’s nothing to apologize for. So don’t use, “I’m sorry.” But it can make other people feel more at ease if you’re able to say something like, “I feel kind of anxious right now because I’m digging your vibe.” Or, maybe, “Sometimes I get a little anxious and awkward around new people. But I just want to put out there it’s not you. I would love to hear more about XYZ.”

Dawn Serra: Focusing on the other person by asking great questions is not only a helpful way to keep a conversation going, but it helps to make that person feel like you really want to hear what they have to say, that you’re really curious about them. And it means you get to talk less because you’re focusing on them for a little while.

If you are able to connect with someone and get their phone number or their Facebook, keeping the conversation going via text message or chat is sometimes a lot easier for people who feel really anxious without having to do that face to face and doing all of it in person.

Dawn Serra: Also, similar to what I shared for Scaredy Cat, if you’re doing online dating, how would it feel to lead with something like, “I get anxious and shy around new folks, but given the time I warm up and once I get to know you, I can be really playful and engaged, especially around these topics…” Something like that that lets people opt into getting to know someone who right now is feeling anxious could be a great thing. 

It’s not for everyone, but the other thought that I had is, for you, since you’re specifically missing sex, how would it feel to go to a queer play party or to a dungeon where there’s lots of potential opportunities for sex and where you can lead with your desires? 

Dawn Serra: Similar to also what I said with Scaredy Cat, practice is a huge part of this. Are there lower stakes situations you can put yourself in to practice some of these skills? Maybe role playing with friends? Or, maybe it’s being a wing person for a friend at a bar where you get to advocate for your friend and introduce people without being the center of attention, but it still gives you that opportunity to do the thing low stakes? What about flirting online? Or, maybe going to really cool events where the conversation is largely about the event or the topic, like toxic universities? You don’t have to spin your wheels trying to come up with things to say, everybody’s there talking about the topic or the theme. That can also be a way to feel a little less anxiety while still connecting with others.

If there’s something you feel particularly unskilled at or awkward around, maybe it’s coming out as non-binary, maybe it’s just getting that first conversation going, that’s the thing I would encourage you to find ways to practice in super, super tiny steps. So often our anxiety is lying to us, so practice and support helps us to start shifting that inner dialog. Even asking your anxiety what it’s trying to protect you from. That might reveal some really interesting answers. “Hey, anxiety! You really act up when I’m around folks I’m interested in. What are you scared of? What would you love me to hear? What are you trying to protect me from?”

Dawn Serra: You can even ask some of your other parts. Maybe you’ve got a horny part inside you that’s just like, “I really fucking need to be laid!” Ask that part what they wish anxiety knew. Or, ask anxiety what it needs to feel a little bit less rigid. Inner part work – this is similar to internal family systems work – it can often bring up so many things that we didn’t even know needed some reassurance or some attention, and when we collaborate with those parts, instead of rejecting them or trying to just muscle our way through it, we often end up having so many more options and so much more information. So how can you collaborate with your anxiety? What does it need to hear? What is it wanting you to know? Maybe what are some of the other parts that you’ve got inside you that would like to have a little bit of attention? Again, all of these goes for you, too, Scaredy Cat! There might be something for you to know about that anxiety and that fear.

The last thing I want to zero in on for you, QMS, is you mentioned you “rarely have success.” I’m wondering, is there an opportunity for your definition of success to be tweaked? What if success is saying hi and nothing else? What if success is going to an event and just cooly hanging out by the wall scoping everyone out from a place of curiosity without expectation? Or, what if success meant smiling at one person you find interesting?

Dawn Serra: It can be so much pressure to put on yourself and other people if success is getting laid or getting someone to agree to go on a date. That’s a pretty big expectation to be secretly carrying into each interaction. Folks can feel that when you show up with it. So what are other ways to feel good about what happens, so that that way, things are much smaller in scope and that gives your anxiousness a chance to ease in? If you do some of those smaller successes again and again, you’ll probably find yourself in a much different place in a few months, and that’s going to feel really good, rather than sinking deeper into this stuckness.

For you, QMS, I hope that gives you some ideas for ways you might befriend parts of your self, ways you might practice and try. You’ve done so much work over these past couple of years, and it’s incredible. It really does show your resilience and your courage, so it’s okay if this is a little awkward and difficult for a little while. You’ve changed so much. You don’t have to keep pushing to change all at once. You’re allowed to be here, in this new version of you, just as you are for a little while. Even if it means feeling a little frustrated sexually.

Dawn Serra: So good luck. Have fun! Find some tiny little risks you can take to practice. And trust. With time, you are going to find some awesome folks that you can have some fun, sexy time with. Also, sex workers! Just throwing that out there. Enjoy!

Well, everyone. I was going to field another question, but we are  at the hour. I’m going to save this last question for next week’s episode. I am so grateful that you’re here with me this week. If you have any questions, please send them my way. Patrons, be sure to head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast for this week’s bonus. If you want to help me field listener questions and maybe hear your advice on a future episode, support the show at $5 for that access. Have a terrific week. I will talk to you soon. Bye!

Dawn Serra: A huge thanks to The Vocal Few, the married duo behind the music featured in this week’s intro and outro. Find them a vocalfew.com. Head to patreon.com/sgrpodcast to support the show and get awesome weekly bonuses.

As you look towards the next week, I wonder, what will you do differently that rewrites an old story, revitalizes a stuck relationship or helps you to connect more deeply with your pleasure?