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I am eyeball deep in the Explore More Summit. Day 5 is unfolding today (March 12th) and you can sign-up for the Explore More Summit here. It’s free and goes until March 17th.
Anyway, because I’m so busy summiting, today is a nice and short hit it and quit it.
First, I rant about a new piece of wearable technology that tracks penis thrusts and calories for condom wearers. Or, in other words, it is all about measuring all the wrong things and promotes bad sex – NOT sex that is about pleasure and communication. So terrible and frustrating.
Then, I share a listener confession about being raped and healing from that rape with an erotic dream. If you’re a survivor, be gentle with yourself around this story.
The final question is from a young listener about being in a new relationship and feeling too excited to sleep.
Follow Dawn on Instagram.
About Dawn Serra
Dawn Serra is a therapeutic Body Trust coach and pleasure advocate. As a white, cis, middle class, queer, fat, survivor, Dawn’s work is a fiercely compassionate invitation for each of us to deepen our relationships with our bodies and our pleasure as an antidote to the trauma, disconnection, and isolation so many of us feel. Your pleasure matters. Your body is wise. Dawn’s work is all about creating spaces and places for you to explore what that means on your terms. To learn more, visit dawnserra.com or follow Dawn on Instagram.
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Episode Transcript
Dawn Serra: You’re listening to (You’re listening) (You’re listening) You’re listening to Sex Gets Real (Sex Get Real) (Sex Gets Real) Sex Gets Real with Dawn Serra (with Dawn Serra). Thanks, bye!
Hey everyone! It’s Sex Gets Real. I am your host, Dawn Serra. As most of you know, I am eyeball deep in this year’s Explore More Summit. Today, which is March 12, is actually day five of the ten-day summit. So if you’re hearing this before March 17, there’s still time for you to jump in. It’s free to hear tons of talks. There’s three talks each day. Today’s talks are Tristan Taormino, Sonalee Rashatwar, Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg. Really awesome speakers.
Dawn Serra: But because of that, I am going to be doing a hit it and quit it, which we have not done in a couple of months. For those of you who have never heard hit it and quit it, it means it’s going to be a nice, quick, short episode where I field a couple of questions, and then we call it a day because I have to race back to summiting. Anybody interested, exploremoresummit.com, that’s where I am. We have a Facebook group that’s got 1,500 people in it. We’re talking all about sex and relationships and feelings. It’s super fun. So check that out.
Of course, if you love the show, don’t forget that you can support it for as little as $1 a month at patreon.com/sgrpodcast. Every single dollar makes my heart sing, and I would love to see your name on that list. As soon as the summit is over, I’ve got some fun things lined up for Patreon supporters, which could be you or maybe it already is, so hello. We are going to jump into the episode.
Dawn Serra: I got this email the other day. It’s very relevant to some recent news that came out. This person named Mel wrote in and it says, “Inventions that promote bad sex.” “Hi, Dawn. I’m from Argentina. This is the first time I’ve written to you. I love your work and I loved Dylan, too. Thank you for all your effort. I’m just writing to share with you what I found out today. Sorry for my French, but what the fuck is that? I’d love to hear your thoughts about it on the podcast. For me, this is just another sad invention that makes men give importance to what is not. Love you. You make sex so much fun.”
Then there was an article that Mel linked to which is actually getting quite a lot of press coverage, and it’s called the i.Con Smart Condom – the world’s first smart condom. Now, it’s not actually a condom. It’s a ring that folks with a penis wear over the condom at the base of their cock. It’s considered wearable technology. The description says, “Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? Ever wondered how you stack up other people from around the world?”
Dawn Serra: Basically, it’s like a Fitbit for a cock. I have lots of feelings about this. To be honest, the only thing that I thought this might actually be good for is scientific research about sexuality. Because gathering statistics and being able to do measurements for long periods of time, in different circumstances, could yield some really interesting information for us. But I think Mel is so right, that this technology is focusing on a whole lot of things that I’m so desperately fighting against, as a sex educator. That sex and erotic exchanges and pleasure is not about counting the number of thrusts. It’s not about counting how long something happened. It’s not about measuring calories. How far can you get from erotic enjoyment than worrying about how many calories you’re burning during sex? That, to me, is just the epitome of diet culture and sex negativity just crashing together in this one piece of technology. I’m just really worried about how it’s going to be used.
Frankly, I’m also worried about this ring over the condom and/or under the condom, and potentially damaging the condom. For people who are using external condoms for barrier-based intercourse, I would need to see a lot more around the integrity of the product and how it integrates with latex. Because I would want to make sure that it’s not making condoms break or tearing the condom or introducing small little holes. But, yeah.
Dawn Serra: This to me is just so frustrating because it’s moving in a direction where it’s not at all about the experience. It’s not at all about communicating with each other. It’s not at all about maximizing pleasure. Instead, about tracking the number of thrusts and the speed of the thrusts and the duration of your session. I mean, who cares how many times she thrusted? If the person that you’re engaging with loves what happened, and it was three thrusts because it was a super hot intense thing or if it was a thousand thrusts, and it was super boring and not interesting, those numbers don’t give you any information about the other person’s experience or about your own pleasure.
In fact, it assumes that if you have a penis, it means you’re going to be having intercourse, which is so not a reality for so many people who have penises. There’s so many different reasons why you might be having a sexual encounter with somebody that’s really delicious and hot and erotic and sensual and pleasure-filled, and intercourse isn’t a part of that equation at all. So this is just frustrating.
Dawn Serra: Now, there may be other uses for it. Maybe people who have some type of disability or health condition, and having this information might help them with some type of physical therapy or something, I’m super open to that. But just for what it is,. at a very basic level, it’s reinforcing all of these stereotypes and all of these super narrow, heterocentric, ciscentric masculinity myths around what sex looks like. And pleasure’s nowhere in here. There’s nothing in this description about pleasure. There’s nothing in this description about connecting with the person that you’re having sex with. Everything about it, I just find really disappointing and frustrating.
I’ve been actually seeing some really funny responses from lots of different people out on the interwebs. But I am not going to post a link to this on dawnserra.com because I don’t want to send them traffic. But it is out there. Mel, thank you so much for sharing this with me. I’m glad you’re feeling frustrated and disappointed in it, too.
Dawn Serra: March and April’s theme for confessions is messes. That can be either a literal mess when it comes to either maybe you were on a date with somebody and some type of blender exploded and that caused you to all of a sudden fall in love. Or, maybe it’s a mess with sex, spooge got everywhere or you’re on your period. Or, maybe it’s a mess, emotionally. Maybe there’s a story of having a threesome, and then things got really messy. You can interpret mess and messes however you’d like. But March and April are going to have the same theme, just because half of March is dominated by the summit for me. I don’t want to shortchange all of you on having the opportunity to share your sex confessions and relationship confessions.
Speaking of confessions, I got a confession back in January that was on the theme of firsts. I didn’t have a chance to share it. I wanted to share it now. I want to warn people who are listening that this is about rape. The person who wrote to me not only talks about being raped, but then shares a story of a dream about healing that relationship with their rapist. So if you are a survivor, if you need to self-care around that, then you might want to skip ahead a couple of minutes.
Dawn Serra: Here is a confession from Ready to Forgive. The subject, “The first time I had a sex dream about the man who raped me.” “Dawn, I just started listening to your podcast and have been catching up on the January episodes. Serendipitously, last night, I had my first ever sex dream about the man who raped me four years ago, and it was is actually incredible. Here it goes.
It’s been four years since I was raped by a friend in college. That event instigated an intensive healing journey over the past several years. At this point, I’m ready to free myself from the prison of resentment and to forgive. Yet, so many times, when I’ve tried to experience forgiveness, I felt blocked and inauthentic in my statement – usually, spoken to the wind, the trees or during my own reflection.
Dawn Serra: One of the major healing elements has been getting myself to slow down enough and be present enough to truly feel sensation when in sexual encounter, rather than living in the old habit of dissociating or shutting down to protect myself. Unlearning this protection to be able to open in safe containers with the potential to experience bliss and ecstasy has been one of my biggest challenges. For a long time, I thought my vulva just couldn’t feel anymore. Through tools like breath work, Sheri Winston’s “Women’s Anatomy of Arousal,” and trustworthy sexual partners, I finally got to where I am now.
Last night, I made time to touch myself – slowly, breathing, not rushing, allowing myself to surrender to that altered state of consciousness out of the mind. Then a dream followed. I dreamt vividly of crystal altars, slapping my recent ex-partner, which I would never want to do in waking life, and then making love with my rapist. I love how the universe can throw surprise curveballs out of left field that I would never conceive of on my own if I continued to live in stagnancy and uncomfortable patterns.
Dawn Serra: I recently broke patterns – tobacco smoking, a long term relationship that was ready to end, and seriously neglecting my sexual relationship with myself. These changes I made feel different than the ones with my self-growth focused past. They feel less like trying to make a better version of myself from the most motivation of perfection and more like loving myself enough to be the most beautiful version of me I can be, and then making the changes to become her, I am naturally evolving and growing. The guilt to be better is gone, replaced by joy of living authentically.
Anyways, in the dream, I was conscious that the man I was with was my rapist. I wasn’t attracted to him in the dream, as I never was in real life. Yet, I wasn’t averse to him either. It wasn’t really about him, for the most part. It was about being present, full, strong, and true in my body. Holding him to that standard too before I would deliciously submit to making love with him.
Dawn Serra: I never thought I would write anything like that about him. But this is being radically honest about the dream. In the dream, I was conscious of my boundaries and my need for slowness. I encouraged him to fill his body with breath and to feel sexual energy pulsing through him before engaging in genital touching. I caressed his and my thighs and chest, and let my need to commune deeper become painful in my desire before surrendering even to kissing. Then I let it progress to humping, and let ejaculation occur early and on my ass. He apologized. But I was grateful because I wasn’t ready to have anyone inside me. I was grateful that the experience progressed at its own authentic pace. That I remained clear and strong in my boundaries while also experiencing pleasure.
Even in the dream, I wasn’t ready to have intercourse, and I didn’t have it. I was ready to rewrite patterns and ready to show up consciously, ready to feel, breathe, and speak. Interestingly, in the dream, he now had tattoos and loved himself – two changes that I cannot verify are true in the physical realm. Anyway, thanks for reading and for being you. Love, Ready to Forgive.”
Dawn Serra: I want to thank you so much for sharing this with us. It sounds like you’ve done a tremendous amount of work and a tremendous amount of healing in giving yourself permission to be where you are. My favorite line is, “The guilt to be better is gone, replaced by joy of living authentically.” I think there’s so much power in that. As survivors, we each have to find our own way to integrating the traumas that we’ve experienced. For all of us, that’s going to look so many different ways, and no one way is better or more right than the other.
To hear that for you, you’ve done all of this self-inquiry and self-reflection that you’ve been practicing, retraining your body, that you’re safe, and that you can set boundaries and staying present and focusing on pleasure. Then for your subconscious mind, to create this dream space where you have power with this person who took your power away. That you were able to set your boundaries, and to be very clear and articulate. That he was responsive to that, and followed those guidelines and consented to this exchange with you. I think that’s a beautiful retelling. I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing that with us.
Dawn Serra: If you have confessions that you’d like to share, of course, you can go to dawnserra.com for this episode. There’s a link with submission details. Again, March and April’s episodes are going to focus all about messes. So if you have any story you want to share about being messy, getting messy, being afraid of messes, getting stuck in a mess of some kind, be it emotional or physical. please do share that. I think that would be a really fun thing for me to be able to feature on the show.
I have one last question that I’m going to field on this quick little hit it and quit it. It comes from Emily. The subject is, “Sharing bed space.” “Hi, Dawn. My name is Emily. I’m 22, about to be 23. When I came across your podcast, I was in love and started binge listening, and now I’m all caught up. There’s so many questions that I want to ask, but I’ll start with one for now.
Dawn Serra: I’m currently seeing this guy, and I’ve been doing that for about two weeks now. Things have been good. I met him at my job. I work a ten to seven job at night, and so does he. He was training me in his department. There’s 12 different departments where I work. At first, I didn’t think much about it, but now I think he’s cute. Anyway, we’ve been working together for four or five months, and about two weeks ago, I learned that he likes me a lot. I’ve been over to his house about four times. Out of those four times, I’ve stayed over after work and slept next to him. But the thing is, I haven’t really slept at all. I don’t get it. I feel so comfortable with him. I like talking to him. He’s funny and sweet and considerate. So what’s the problem? Is my body reacting badly? Emily.”
First of all, Emily, thank you for writing in. Thank you for listening to the show and getting all caught up. That is quite the task. I actually have some questions about your question. It sounds like you’ve gone over to his house four times. You’ve only been seeing each other for about two weeks. You’ve stayed overnight two times, and that you haven’t really been able to sleep when you’re there. I hope I’m getting all of that. It sounds like the question is, “Why can’t I sleep?”
Dawn Serra: I think there could be tons of reasons for that. It could be adrenaline or anxiety of just wondering if something’s going to happen. It could be that your mind is just in overdrive because this is something that’s really new. I can think of so many times when I’ve been in new relationships with people, and sleeping was very far down on the list of things that I would have been able to do if I was spending loads of time with them. Just being so excited at being this close, and being nervous about being in this person’s house, and wondering if at some point, he was going to wake up and kiss me or what was going to be like in the morning. I think you just have to look inside yourself and think about, “Are you really excited? Are you nervous? Are you anxious about something?”
Also, just keep in mind, you’ve only been seeing each other a couple of weeks. This is only a handful of times that you’ve spent time together. I think it’s really early and so there’s just a lot of unknowns. I can’t tell you why you’re not sleeping. But you can certainly take some time to, when you’re with him, check in with yourself, in your body. If you think about the last time you were really excited for something, just like pure excitement.
Dawn Serra: I have a friend of mine who, if I was like, “Think of a time when you’re super excited,” he would be like, “The midnight showing of Harry Potter.” Think about a time when you were really excited, and then feel what that feels like in your body. What parts of yourself feel warm or tingly or energized. Then think about a time when you’ve been really anxious or worried, and where you feel that in your body. For me, when I’m feeling really anxious or scared, I get this weird moving knot in my tummy. If I’m feeling really stressed and tense, I feel that across my shoulders.
I think often we get stuck in our heads because we can talk ourselves out of or into just about anything. So instead, the next time you’re laying next to him, check in with your body and just see, “Is your tummy in knots from anxiety? Or, is your tummy filled with butterflies from excitement? Are your shoulders really tense because you don’t really want to be there? Or, maybe you’re worried something’s going to happen. Are you feeling just so excited, it’s like you’re about to go on the best ride in the entire park, so your whole body is just vibrating with excitement?”
Dawn Serra: Check in with your body, and that will start to give you some answers about what you’re experiencing so that then you can either ask for something different or set some new boundaries. Maybe you’re not ready to be sleeping over at his house. Maybe you don’t feel comfortable in his house. Maybe his living space doesn’t feel safe to you or good to you. So
You’re allowed to change the way you’re experiencing all of this. You can tell him you don’t want to sleep over for a little while because you found you have trouble sleeping when you’re there, and you want to make sure that you’re rested and feeling great for when you do to spend time together. Give yourself permission to just play with some of those things.
Dawn Serra: And that’s true for any of us. When we aren’t quite sure how we feel about something because our heads are trying to talk us in a million different directions, that’s when we want to drop into our bodies and start doing some scans of, “What’s tense? What’s tingly? What’s sharp? What’s cold? What’s warm?” Often, that gives us an idea of, ”Here’s what I really think, even if I don’t want that to be the truth.” I hope that was helpful, Emily.
To everybody else listening, go to dawnserra.com. You can submit your own questions, your own comments, share articles with me. Of course, you can go to this episode or any of the recent episodes to get the guidelines for submitting your own confessions. Again, the theme is messes. I hope to see some of you over at the Explorer More Summit because the second I stop this and get it published, I am going to be jumping back into summit mode. Next week, I am going to have an interview with Reid Mihalko, which I was going to do this week, but his talk just aired on the summit, and we’re both super busy. So next week is going to be my chat with Reid Mihalko. Until next time. I’m Dawn Serra. Bye!