Sex Gets Real 136: Gay man having straight sex and ugly vulva lips

Hello, from Salt Lake City!

Thanks for all of the feedback on last week’s episode, post-election. So many of you had so many thoughtful and kind things to say. I appreciate it more than you know.

This week, I field questions about sissification and being a masculine dude who loves feminine things, a gay guy who is having his first vulva sex in a few days, and a listener who is deeply ashamed of her vulva appearance.

What makes a super skilled sexual partner so good at sex? Why are gender norms so deeply ingrained in our experiences?

It’s a fun week and I’m so glad to be rolling around in all of your questions and comments after a few weeks of chaos and moving.

Make sure you’re on the newsletter list, too, because I have some free online talks and a few workshops coming up.

Follow Dawn on Instagram.

In this episode, I talk about:

The toll that some recent stress took on my libido these past 2 weeks from moving and driving cross country. Not wanting sex when your world is packed with stress is a thing and it’s valid.
What I mean when I say “privilege” and why it’s important to look at our various intersections of oppression.
SuperMoto is a straight, monogamous, masculine dude – think mechanic and motorsports – who has a deep interest in feminine things like panties and lace. Plus, he’s into pegging and being dominated. How can he get comfortable with these aspects of himself? And, how can he talk to his girlfriend about it all, too? Is there a way to help her find her dominant side? I roll around in gender norms, gender roles, and sissification.
We are starting to be OK with little boys wanting dolls and little girls wanting tools or big trucks, but for grown men there is still a huge stigma around being a pussy or being perceived as feminine or a woman. Stupid patriarchy.
Playing with a feminine expression of self doesn’t undo the masculine sides of yourself if you’re a cis man.
Wanting to be dominated and why often very powerful people (real or perceived power) want to give up control for a while.
Why being super clear and specific about your needs and your fantasies is critical to sharing with a spouse or a partner when you want to ask them to be a part of your sexual fantasy.
It can be really helpful to figure out what you DON’T want as you try to come to terms with your sexuality and sexual needs.
A gay guy, JJ, who is about to have sex with a vulva for the first time. How can he seem like he knows what he’s doing? He has never had intercourse in this way before and he can’t out himself as gay because it’s with a co-worker.
What truly skilled sexual partners with sexual maturity are super good at and how that can help someone as inexperienced as JJ.
An email I got from Embarrassed who fears her large vulva lips are hideous. She can’t relax during sex because she’s so tense about what they think about the look of her vulva. She’s even considered surgery. Is there any hope?
Vulva variety is woefully under-represented in porn, so we have to purposely seek out images of real vulvas in all their wide and glorious glory. All genitals, actually.

Resources from this episode

Femalia by Joani Blank – a picture book of vulvas

What Privilege Really Means on EverydayFeminism.com

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Episode Transcript

Dawn Serra: Hey, everyone. Dawn Serra here. It’s Sex Gets Real, and this episode is going to come to you a day late. Normally new episodes come out on Sundays and this one’s coming out on Monday, because I spent the entire weekend moving into my new apartment in Salt Lake City, Utah, where I will be spending the next 10 to 12 months. Can I just tell you how completely exhausted I am? Moving is no joke. Oh my god. We moved all the furniture and we are still in boxes everywhere. But I have officially settled into my new desk in my new office. Yeah, so this is going to be a fun episode of me answering some of your questions, and sharing some feedback and some thought. I also experienced this past week being so stressed from driving cross country for five days with two unhappy cats. Then we were here in Salt Lake City for a week having no idea where we were going to live. So that was really stressful and it took such a toll on my libido. I mean, I can’t even tell you. I had to be patient with myself. Because there were so many moments when I felt guilty or worried that I wasn’t initiating sex, and knowing that I would enjoy it if I did, but being so exhausted. So I had to give myself permission to get through these couple of weeks and then see what happened once we settled in.

Once we got into the apartment and everything inside, not unpacked, but inside, it started to feel a lot better and easier. I just want to say for all of you out there who have enormous amounts of stress on your plate, there’s a big percentage of us that for stress – it just kills your libido and then there’s a smaller percentage of people who stress completely ups the libido. It’s like the stress response. Of course there’s variation as in all things related to sex. But for those of you whose libido completely goes out the window when you’re massively stressed, I am right there with you. Despite having a suitcase that weighed 50 pounds full of hot sex toys and thousands and thousands of options of lube and condoms, that just wasn’t going to happen. All I wanted was a back rub and some cuddles and sleep. We’re finally getting back to normal.

Dawn Serra: I also want to share that there was a big going away party for me with all my friends before I left the DC area, and Dylan was there and she wanted me to tell all of you hello. She is endlessly happy and embarking on all kinds of wonderful adventures professionally and personally, and she is so happy and doing so well. We’re hoping to do a long distance episode with her sometime in the next month or so. Definitely stay tuned, but she wanted me to pass along her love. I’m just going to dive in.

So last week, as you know, I was on the road, and it was post-U.S. presidential election. So I did a short little episode that was all about the election results and feelings. I got a couple of different comments and emails about it. So I want to share those and then I’m going to jump into some questions about sex.

Dawn Serra: So the first thing was, I got a comment on Instagram that said: “As a person of color, I just want to thank you for your kind words on your November 13 podcast episode. I’m a fairly new listener and was instantly addicted to Sex Gets Real, and I’m aspiring to work as a sex educator. Since the election, I have been feeling so totally overwhelmed by my emotions, and I’m having trouble navigating where to go from here. I was hoping for an uplifting podcast to distract myself with new information to process today and instead listened, thankfully, to your words and let out a good cry. Your words were exactly what I needed to hear. You’re an inspiration and I begged all my friends to listen to your podcast all the time. Take care, and many thanks for the solidarity.”

So I just want to say thank you so much for that really sweet comment and message. Thank you for sharing the podcast with your friends. If you like sharing the podcast with your friends and co-workers – if you have that kind of workplace. Then make sure everybody goes and subscribes on iTunes, even if they don’t listen that way. Because I am finally working with an advertising agency to get some sponsors for the podcast. Up until now, everything that I’ve done for the podcast has been out of love and out of pocket. And it’s cost me many, many, many, many, many thousands of dollars, and it’s hard. So getting some sponsors for the show is going to mean that I can hopefully continue doing this. We’ve got a couple of really exciting prospects. So sponsors look at things like iTunes subscriptions and downloads and reviews. So if you want to help me to help the show, finally, bring some money in. So that I’m not just having soup for dinner every night, then please do share the show with everybody. Thank you so much for that really heartfelt note. I didn’t share this person’s name because I didn’t ask permission. It was just a comment on social media.

Dawn Serra: I also got another comment from someone that the subject line is “White Male”. It’s in response to the recent episode and it said: “We live in a more diverse world, be it color, race, religion, sexuality. It’s great that we should all love and respect each other’s differences. That being said, we all walk our own path, each with its challenges. Being a white male has not shielded me from domestic abuse or provided socio-economic grandeur. Ultra privileged white male is a hurtful label and no one wants to be labeled. Just saying, love your podcast and will continue listening. Xoxo.”

So I want to thank TW, who wrote this for writing in and sharing. I know that a lot of people share your views. You’re so right, that being white or being a cis male does not shield you from abuse or rape or poverty, or classism or ableism, or any of those things. One of the things that’s so important about intersectionality and intersectional feminism is realizing that there are multiple systems of oppression that are all linked together. So you might be white and cis, but if you have a severe disability or any kind of disability, then you’re probably going to suffer from ableist oppressive systems and beliefs that our world has. If you are white and a cis woman but you’re fat, like I am, then you’re going to move through a world that literally exists – everything is built on top of fatphobia and diet culture because that’s a form of control. I think that a lot of people hear privileged and feel a lot of strong feelings. So I want to make it really clear that being privileged – we’re all privileged in various ways. People of color can have privilege over other types of people, just depending on how they’re different intersections. A person of color who is heterosexual is going to have more privilege and a person of color who is queer or trans. So it’s multiple intersections of oppression.

Dawn Serra: Privilege doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. Privilege doesn’t mean that you asked for privilege, or that you feel like you’re better than anyone else. That’s not at all what privilege is. I think that it makes people uncomfortable because they can feel really judged when they hear that they’re part of a privileged group. That’s just part of stuff that all of us have to work through. But recognizing privilege is important because it’s recognizing that it’s not about an individual person.

So you can be in the most privileged class – you can be a white, cis, male, who is in an upper class socio-economic situation. I mean, literally the epitome of privilege, and you can still suffer violence. You can still suffer domestic abuse, you can still have horrible things happen to your health. It doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen. It just means that at a large scale, when we look at white, when we look at cis, when we look at male – those things, as a group, afford more opportunity or more protection, or less violence and less oppression than if we looked at a different intersection of perhaps white and trans or white and cis and female, and then fat or thin, or disabled or able-bodied or whatever it is – age. I mean you can be in your 80s and suffer oppression because of ageism. But the thing is when it comes to being a white cis male, you can be the poorest of the poor. You can suffer from classism, you can suffer from all these things. But in a statistical standpoint, you have a smaller chance of being arrested, incarcerated or killed than someone who is in the exact same situation but happens to be a person of color. So privilege comes in lots of different forms. There’s so many different ways this plays out.

Dawn Serra: I think one of the hard things is it’s not about who’s more oppressed. It’s not about who has more privilege, but it’s about recognizing what groups are we each a part of, what are various intersections of privilege and oppression. Then how can we use those things to 1.) overturn oppression, and 2.) to support each other across all the different intersections. So, I appreciate you writing in TW. You’re right – ultra privileged white male, that label can hurt. I think that there’s so many misunderstandings around the word privilege. I’ve even seen a lot of social justice activists trying to move away from the word privilege because it gets such a knee jerk reaction. But we have to remember that when we’re talking about privilege, we’re not talking about the individual, we’re talking about the group or the bucket that you happen to be a part of. Of course, inside of each bucket, there’s other types of hierarchies and other types of oppressions. So, I know that you said you being a white male hasn’t shielded you from domestic abuse or provided socio-economic ease. So first I want to say I’m so sorry that you’ve suffered abuse, that’s something that almost none of us are actually immune to, regardless of privilege. But certainly, certain types of groups are going to be more likely to experience abuse, because that’s how the system is set up. But I’m sorry that you personally have suffered that. I so appreciate you writing in and sharing your thoughts, and giving me an opportunity to share your thoughts and to share my response.

I’m going to link on this podcast episode to an article by Everyday Feminism called What Privilege Really Means. It talks all about all the things I just mentioned about how privilege doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you have more than somebody else necessarily on an individual level, all the different ways that privilege often gets misrepresented. So I want to make it clear that when I use privilege, this is the way that I’m using it. It’s certainly not to attack but it is to call out and to recognize. For me as a white cis woman, I have so much more access to safety and police support that a woman of color who’s my same age and shape, and everything would have, and I recognize that. So what can I do to dismantle that so that we all have access? It’s a really important conversation and I am not the most skilled at it. So I hope everyone will check out some of those podcasts that I listed last week, because man, they were having some amazing, amazing conversations around race and intersections and oppression. It’s awesome.

Dawn Serra: So I got this fun email from someone named Supermoto. I think it’s moto, and the subject is “Mechanic’s Nuts and Bolts Being Wrapped in Lace.” The message is: “Hey, Dawn. Like everyone else, I love your show. My work environment allows me to binge listen to all of the previous podcasts and I love it. It’s opened my eyes and helped me understand so much about the way that I view sex and intimacy. I have a couple of questions and I’m not sure how related they are if they’ve already been covered or not. The first is this: I am a mid 20s man, and by everyone else, I’m viewed as being very masculine because of my love of motor sports and just generally “manly things”. I’m very straight and monogamous. But I have such a deep interest in feminine things like wearing panties or being pegged or having a dom. I feel very self conscious about it sometimes, because that passion seems to fly in the face of who I am, or who other people see me as, and I’m trying to understand it. Can you help? A man wearing panties seems to be a bit of a contradiction to the rest of the world. I’m also very curious as to how to bring this up to my girlfriend in a way that may help her understand it, and hopefully help her be a part of it. How can I help bring out her dominant side and then trust her with these things? I’m looking forward to any advice you can give so that I can move forward and upward to many wonderful experiences.”

Oh my god, I love it so much. So we were just talking about privilege. Another system of oppression that we have is gender – experiencing life as a masculine man versus as a feminine woman, which are the extremes on this gender binary we have. There is a huge fear in our hyper masculine toxic masculinity culture, of masculine men being perceived as sissy or as women. All of the insults that get thrown around of, “Don’t be a pussy”, and things like that just reinforce this fear of the feminine. It can be so shitty, right? I mean we see this in cute little meme videos all over the internet – why can’t a little boy want Barbies and to be a princess for Halloween? Why can’t girls want big trucks and tools? I think we’re starting, as a culture, to shift that a little bit. We’re starting to see that it’s okay. If a little boy, whatever we want to call gender anyway, but if a little boy wants to wear pink and fairy wings for Halloween, we’re starting as a culture to shift that dialogue a little bit. But it hasn’t shifted as much around straight masculine men wanting to also experience these softer, feminine things like lace or panties. I do think that there’s been a big shift around the pegging. I think there’s still the potential for a lot of power to be there. And I think everybody is starting to understand that but stuff is fun and can feel really good.

Dawn Serra: I love this. I think the first thing with any of these things is being able to really acknowledge it for yourself which, Supermoto, it sounds like you’re doing. I mean, you’ve admitted to yourself that you have this deep interest in feminine things. I also think it’s interesting that you group feminine things with being pegged or having a dom, and I actually see those as three very separate things. So I think there’s one thing in embracing your feminine desires around pretty things and lace and panties. And that might just be you wanting to express a different side of yourself. I mean, we all have these really rich pluralistic selves, where with certain types of people, we’re really relaxed; with other types of people, we’re super uptight. And in certain situations, we’re very critical and analytical, and other situations, we could give a shit.

So we have these pluralistic experiences and it sounds like, Supermoto, you move through the world, in this very traditionally masculine way – with your love of motor sports and manly things. Even your subject line was Mechanic’s Nuts and Bolts. So maybe there’s this side of you that’s feeling really ignored. Like you haven’t ever given yourself permission to be soft, which is usually what gets associated with feminine. So maybe this is the part of you that wants to be soft, and be gentle, and be delicate. And that’s coming out in your desire for things like panties and lace. I think that that’s a fantastic thing to give yourself permission to explore. Why not? I’m just sitting here thinking – a hot masculine body with lace. Rock on. I mean, that’s totally cool. Go for it! Or pasties – whatever, have fun with it. There are lots of people who are going to get squeaked out about that, but that’s their problem, not yours. You make sense to you. You get to have all these different sides and wearing lace panties or wanting to have a satin nightie on doesn’t undo or negate all the other parts of you that are really masculine. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who feel that way. But that’s because that’s how we’re all socialized, that’s not actually the truth

Dawn Serra: Being pegged to me does not have to have any type of femininity associated with it. So you can be channeling all of that aggressive, assertive, roary – I’m making claws with my hands right now – masculine energy and get pegged. It can be this strong, super masculine act where you and your girlfriend aren’t doing any kind of gender bending. She can be soft and feminine, and herself and still strap it on and fuck you – so that doesn’t have to be something that changes. But if you want to experience pegging as a feminine act, I know that there’s a huge segment of the population who likes sissification – this forced feminization and part of that can be pegging. Some folks who like to take on that sissy-sub role, even will sometimes call their ass, their pussy. Because they really want to go into that feminine. So you have to decide for yourself – is being pegged an expression of that feminine desire you have or as being pegged more just about, “I think this would feel really good.”? Or does it tie to your dom needs of wanting to be dominated?

Wanting to be dominated is super common for people who make a lot of decisions all the time, who have a lot of power at work, or in the home. They’re constantly in charge of themselves or their family or their household. I know that I was head of household for so many years, and that just gets exhausting at a point. You’re tired of making decisions for everybody else. You’re tired of being in charge. You’re tired of being the boss, you’re tired of being the parent. So for a lot of people, that comes out in wanting to be dominated. You want your choices taken away, you want someone else making those choices, you want someone else taking your power, because it feels like the only way to move out of that headspace. So for you, you have to decide what is it about being dominated that’s appealing to you? Is it because you see that as a feminine act – submissive as feminine? Or is it because you really are looking for ways to give up control and it’s less about femininity and more about that headspace of wanting to let go and not be the person who has it all together? Because once you start to understand those motivations, it makes it a lot easier to then communicate that to others. If you say, “I have a deep interest in feminine things like wearing panties, or being pegged, or having a dom”, there’s so many different expressions of each of those things. That can be really difficult for a partner to receive, because it’s not really clear. What are you asking from her? What kind of support do you want from her? Does she even need to be a part of that? Those are all things that you need to decide. So I think that it’s really, really important that you acknowledge how self-conscious you feel about it.

Dawn Serra: The stories that were told about gender roles are really, really deep. I mean, the second we come out of the womb, the doctors declare our gender based on the genitals that they see. The story starts from that point, even before we’re born. Parents, when they find out the gender of their children often have fully colored the room and picked out all the clothes before we’re born. We’re already told what our gender roles are starting to be shaped as and look like. So those stories run really deep. I think it’s okay to feel self-conscious about it. Give yourself permission to explore it a little bit more on your own. Look at images, find Tumblr feeds that appeal to the aesthetic of what you’re looking for. Look for images that feel really sexy in what feminine – in a masculine body looks like, or look for images or videos of pegging that really fit your fantasy. The same for domination – are you looking for someone that’s going to beat the shit out of you and kick your balls? Or are you looking for someone who’s going to “sissify” you or humiliate you? There’s such a wide range of ways to be dominated, and you need to get clear on that before you bring in your girlfriend. Because the clearer you are, the safer it can feel for her to be open and say yes.

So, 1.) explore it more with yourself. Think about your motivations. Is this something you’ve always experienced or is this something that’s come on as you’ve gotten older, and you’ve really taken on this more masculine side of yourself? Play with it a little bit. Look for images, look for videos that are what you want and aren’t what you want. It can be super helpful to figure out what you don’t want. You can look at 1000 images of dudes in lace and 900 of them might not at all be what interests you. Then there might be 100 that are like, “Yeah, that’s exactly what I want to look like. That’s what I’m feeling.” Read some erotica around gender bending and around, pegging and get a feel for the different ways that people express these things. That will not only give you an opportunity to examine what you would do when you don’t want and your motivations, but it’ll also give you language so that you can talk about it with less shame and more clarity. If you go to your girlfriend with any sense of shame or embarrassment, she’s going to feel that, and that’s going to feel uncomfortable. Whereas if you’re really clear on what you want, you’ve got the language for it, you’re starting to feel more comfortable with it yourself – that confidence and that understanding and that clarity, is going to make it so much easier for her to get really clear on like, “This is what’s being asked of me and this is why it’s important to you.” So that she can then decide if that’s a way that she can support you. She may not have a dominant side. So that’s something else you just have to keep in mind.

Dawn Serra: The way I think to start this conversation isn’t with, “Here’s what I’m into, can we do this?” That’s a high risk conversation that is putting her on the spot, that is making her feel like if she says no, she’s going to reject you. If she says yes, she could fuck it up. She doesn’t know what it means. When you go all in on a high risk conversation like that, that’s when it can be so easy to get hurt. So instead, start a couple of steps before that – ask her what some of her fantasies are, maybe read some erotica together that have little hints of some of what you’re interested in. Find a pegging erotica that is pretty run of the mill, middle of the road, and then have a conversation about it; or watch Deadpool and ask her what she thought about that little– It’s only five seconds, but that pegging scene with Ryan Reynolds. I mean, that is such a huge cultural reference at this point. You could easily have a really safe, non-threatening conversation around pegging, if you bring up Deadpool. So find these ways to have some general conversations.

Watch a movie where one of the main actresses is in a super dominant role.I think it might have been Mr. And Mrs. Smith, where Angelina Jolie is being a pro dom at the very beginning of the movie. Watch movies like that and then ask your girlfriend what she thought about it, and let her know, “Wow, that was kind of hot. Do you think that’s something you’d ever be interested in because I really liked that power that’s going on?” That sounds fun and easy and light. You’re not putting your heart and soul on the line, you’re just having this fun, playful conversation that invites so much more permission for your girlfriend to consider something that she’s never considered before.

Dawn Serra: Once you have those conversations, it gets easier to start making it more personal. Just remember, having images, having videos, having erotica that helps you to demonstrate to her what you’re looking for. It also gives her an opportunity to hear the dialogue that’s being said in the video, and to see the way that the person is standing or being dressed; so that she can feel like she has some anchor point for being successful. Because we all want to be good in bed, we all want to be great lovers, we all want to think of ourselves as being sexually adventurous. Usually what shuts us down is either shame or feeling like we’re going to be bad at something.

So I really love that you shared this with me. Thank you so much. If any other listeners have a situation that’s similar to Supermoto, where you move through the world in a really masculine way, but you have these urges or you have these kinks around feminization and wearing panties and lace; and you want to share any stories – feel free to write in you can go to dawnserra.com and submit that and I’d be happy to share that on air down the road for Supermoto. But I hope that was helpful to you. Thank you so much for listening, and I wish you the best of luck. I love that you’re exploring this for yourself.

Dawn Serra: Oh my god. I love this so much. I love this so much. Okay, so JJ, he just wrote in, “Gay Guy First Time Straight Sex. Help.” Is that not the best subject line ever? Oh my god, I love my job. So here’s the message from JJ:

“Let me start out by saying I’ve identified as bi since I was about 17. I am now 34. Though I’ve had and enjoyed relationships and sexual encounters with women when I was younger – in my teens and 20s, I’ve never had actual intercourse with a woman. For a period of several years, I identified as gay and didn’t pursue female encounters at all. I’ve had sex of all sorts with several men. I should also mention that I’ve never been out either. I’ve always been comfortable with my sexuality, but also slightly ashamed because of my background in the church and military service. In recent years, I’ve become open again to the idea of a sexual relationship with a woman. Although, I’ve found it an awkward thing to approach. How do you explain being a 34 year old vag virgin or that you also like to eat dick? Recently, a woman I work with started showing interest in me, though she was not my type and I wasn’t looking, I jokingly flirted with her at work.”

Dawn Serra: “Over the last week, she started flirting with me over text messages. And we’ve been exchanging some pretty naughty texts and pics. It turns out she’s into some of the same kinks as I am. I find myself now very attracted to her sexually, even though she’s not what I thought my female type was – not even close. Anyway, we’ve decided to hook up this coming weekend, because I’m locked in chastity until then. I’ve worried that through all our lewd and naughty texting, we’ve built up the encounter in our minds. I’m worried I won’t be able to perform and I already don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to the vajay. I should mention that she does not and cannot know about my gayness, at least for now. We work together and that would ruin my career. She also doesn’t know about me having my vajeen V-card. I’m attracted to her, I like her and want this to work, and maybe even become a regular thing. How do I make sure I’m not so terrible that she can tell she’s the first. Also, it would be really awesome if she actually enjoyed it, JJ.”

Oh, first of all, I’m so excited for you, JJ. Yay for new experiences and being open to new encounters and flirting with someone who wasn’t even on your radar at first. What a fun, exciting time for you. The other thing I’ll say is, it really sucks that you’re in a situation where you can’t be out and where being out could ruin your career. I think that makes this so much harder, because normally my advice would be, “You should probably have this conversation with her.” I think that our partners deserve to know our status, our motivations, our fears, and if we can’t talk about it, we probably shouldn’t be doing it. But being in a closeted situation makes that super duper tough. So I love that you want her to enjoy this. The whole truth of the matter is, it’s going to largely depend on her ability to communicate with you. If she really knows what she wants, if she can really communicate what she likes when you’re doing it, then you don’t have to be a master at playing with balls and vaginas and clits. All you have to be able to do is ask good questions and then follow her lead. You could ask her to touch herself for you so that you could see what kind of things she likes doing to herself. You could ask her what she’s been fantasizing about and how she wants to be touched. Then do your best to start doing those things and check in as you go.

Dawn Serra: I think one of the most powerful things is that really skilled lovers are actually really skilled at asking questions, reading body language, and checking in. But they do it in a way where it doesn’t seem like they’re checking in. It seems like it’s part of this really sexy conversation. Those are the people who are amazing at sex. It’s not people who just go in and assume their one technique is going to work for everyone. So that works in your favor, JJ, because a truly skilled sexual partner is going to recognize that no two vulvas are alike. No two clits are alike. There might be a lot of similarities. But there’s all these outliers. There’s all these people with different experiences and traumas who are going to really hate the thing that a lot of other vulva owners love. So, being able to ask, “Would you like more pressure or less?” “Would you like me to suck or would you like me to lick?” “Tell me what you’ve imagined me doing with my hands.” “Tell me what you’ve imagined me saying.” Actually being able to have this ongoing, sexy, sexual, yummy, delicious dialogue that’s really giving you precise instructions on what she has been fantasizing about and what she loves is going to make you seem like a rock star who’s done this 1000 times.

I think it would also be really helpful if you just want to see some techniques to either check out kinkacademy.com, which has really explicit how-to videos for all types of sex and kink that Princess Kali runs, or to go to crashpadseries and watch some of the Pink and White Production Crashpad porn. Those are feminist porn with all kinds of different bodies and queer sex, but you really get to see solid hand techniques, mouth techniques, toy techniques and the way they communicate around it. So that can give you a lot of inspiration. But I’ll tell you, I think, timidness and assuming without asking are two of the biggest mistakes that you can make when it comes to touching anybody’s genitals. I mean, whether it’s a penis, a clit, a vulva, balls – whatever it is, you know, we all experience our bodies totally differently. So some people like pressure on the upstroke and some people like pressure on the downstroke – regardless of the genitals. Some people want it super super wet. Some people want a lot of pressure, some people like tongues, some people like sucking. So treat this like you would any other sexual encounter.

Dawn Serra: If you’ve had a lot of experience with men. Think about what made those experiences really good. How are you communicating? What told you they liked something or told you they didn’t? How did you share with them that you like something or you didn’t? I can tell you that some of the most disappointing sex I’ve ever had was when I didn’t speak up about what I liked. And when I had a partner who assumed that his– I mean, I know you’ve heard me tell stories about, “Can you take the pleasure?” But that dude that I had sex with that horrible, horrible time, he just assumed that sticking his enormous cock in me was all that it was going to take for me to experience mind blowing pleasure. And he was not interested in my experience. He was not open to feedback and that was the worst sex I’ve ever had. Whereas having a partner who goes really, really slow and asks me if I like what he’s doing and what I want more of, and he really takes the time to tease it out and fill me with anticipation. I mean, those are experiences that you think about for years to come. It’s because the two of us were so plugged into each other. I know that sometimes when Alex is exploring me, he’s literally exploring me. The goal isn’t to get me off, the goal is to find out how am I reacting today to these different touches and what feels good, and where am I moaning the loudest. Then really fucking hot things happen.

So, JJ, I just want to tell you your subject line made my day the day I got your email. I also really want to hear back. It’s been a week since you wrote, so I’m actually getting to this one a lot faster than some of the other emails that have been waiting for months. But I hope that you had fun with her. I hope that it wasn’t a total disaster, super awkward. If it was, I hope the two of you were able to laugh about it and that if it feels right that you give it another shot. But please write back with an update because this email made me so happy. I will hopefully hear back from you. Any listeners, if you have any other thoughts, be sure to comment on Facebook for this episode, share your experiences or thoughts. I think that would be super fun.

Dawn Serra: I got this email from Embarrassed, and the subject line is “Look of My Vagina.” So here’s the email, and then we’re going to talk about vulvas for a minute. So it says: “How big of a deal is the appearance of your vagina to a man? I have larger lips and I’m extremely self-conscious about it. I’m always afraid guys will think I’m gross. Sometimes I wonder if this is part of the reason I can’t orgasm. I’m never able to fully give into sex because I’m so afraid of how he’s viewing me. I even thought about having surgery to reduce them but it sounds really painful. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, love y’all.”

This breaks my heart. Here’s what I want to say: Genitals of all shapes, sizes, and configurations – whether it’s a penis or a vulva or a mix of both, or whatever your particular genitals are like, are normal. The small lipped vulva has dominated porn for so many decades that we’ve started to think that that’s just how vulvas look. But that’s actually a really small percentage of how vulvas look. I want to recommend first to you, Embarrassed, that there is a book called Femalia and it’s by Joani Blank, who was the founder of Good Vibrations. It’s a picture book of vulvas and lips. It’s beautiful. It’s this huge– I mean, it’s a tiny book, but it’s this huge variety of all the different ways that vulvas can present themselves with asymmetrical lips and inner lips that come out inches past the outer lips, and outer lips that fully swallow everything inside so you can’t see anything at all but a little slit, and vulvas that gaped open so that you can see into the vaginal canal and you can see the clit, and others that are closed, but the clit peaks out. I mean, endless variation.

Dawn Serra: For people who watch queer porn or feminist porn, and even in some mainstream porn, I’ve started to see a little bit more variation in the presentation of vulva variety. You can find that there are tons of people out in the world who have beautiful– I mean Dylan used to talk about it all the time. Her wife’s meaty, meat curtain vulva lips. It’s beautiful. It’s normal. I mean, a partner who really understands vulvas is going to see your larger lips as something tasty, as something to suck on, as something to enjoy, as something that they will want in their mouth, as something that they just can’t get enough of. While I totally understand you feeling so self-conscious, I mean, I feel super self conscious about other parts of my body. You realizing that your vulva lips are gorgeous and beautiful exactly as they are and that they have so much pleasure potential is what counts.

So if you go in knowing that your vulva, your lips are badass because they are big and gorgeous and they taste good, the partner that you’re with is just going to follow your cue. If you go in feeling ashamed and hiding, then the partner that you’re with is going to feel like there must be something wrong and they’re going to be hyper aware of that instead of being in the moment too. I really want you to check out Femalia. Oh, you can get the Cunt Coloring Book – that thing is so fun. There’s another one called Petals. It’s all about vulvas – Nick Karras, that’s KARRAS, has this book that’s black and white photographs of vulvas. There’s 48 of them in this book. It’s a little bit expensive, but you might be able to get a used copy of it. Get yourself some books or find some pictures online – there’s all kinds of art installations that have been going around that are vulva molds. So you can see this enormous array of vulva shapes and lip shapes and lip sizes. Check out some queer porn where you can really see that there is so many people out there who are doing sex work, who are doing porn, and have these beautiful wrinkly flowing lips and inner lips that come away out of the outer lips and look like flowers. Literally, these flowing vulva lips were Georgia O’Keeffe’s inspiration and she’s one of the most famous artists ever. Even though she was painting “flowers”, what she was really doing was being inspired by the variety and the flowery petals of a vulva.

Dawn Serra: I want you to do what you feel is best for yourself, Embarrassed. If you decide surgery is best for you, then you have every right to do that. But what I want to encourage you to do is surround yourself with images of vulva variety. I had to do that when I was trying to overcome my hatred of my body. Our entire world is based on images of thin women – all the media images, all the magazines, every single person on television. So I had to start looking for body diversity. I had to start purposely bringing images into my world that showed all the different ways bodies can be beautiful, and it started shifting the way that I see my body. So you need to do that, but with vulvas – purposely go out and give yourself permission to look at all the different types of vehicles that are out there and steer clear of mainstream porn. Go to feminist porn. Go to queer porn like Crashpad. Go to Bright Desire. Look at these books, find artists renditions of vulvas.

Betty Dodson has tons of artwork that she’s done over the years of vulvas and all the different ways that they present themselves. So you can look up Betty Dodson art, and I’m sure you’ll find all kinds of stuff. But just know that larger lips are beautiful and tasty and normal. Whether you have large vulva lips on the outside or large vulva lips on the inside, or super petite ones – none of it is more normal or more desirable than the other. When you start to really realize every single centimeter of your lips have the potential to give you pleasure, they engorge with blood, you have so much more surface area for touching, and licking, and sucking, and tugging. Just imagine, you have all of this amazing real estate down there that could be so part of these sexy, yummy experiences. If you come into a naked situation with that confidence and with that understanding that, “My vulva is amazing. There’s so much down there that you can play with, and touch, and taste, and tease,” your partners are going to be excited about that for you. Because you’re coming into that situation knowing that this is true about your body.

Dawn Serra: If anyone ever looks at your vulva and reacts badly, I want you to immediately stand up, put your clothes on, get out of there – that is someone that is not at all sexually mature. That is someone who has absolutely no idea what true bodies look like, that is someone who does not deserve access to your body. So I want you to get angry if someone ever says anything bad about the way that your vulva looks – if they ever recoil, if they ever do anything at all about hesitating because of how you look – that is not someone who deserves access to your body. Because your vulva lips, I guarantee you, are amazing. So you need to own that.

I hope that was helpful. You didn’t provide an email address. So unfortunately, I can’t get back to you to let you know that I’ve done this. But if there’s anybody listening who ever had any worries about vulva appearance or lip size, and you were able to overcome that, please write in with your story – dawnserra.com, use the contact form. I’d be happy to share that to help Embarrassed feel a little bit better about her body.

Dawn Serra: So that’s it for this week’s episode. I have a billion boxes all around me that I still need to get unpacked. I have some great interviews lined up for the next couple of weeks. I also want to let you know that I’m going to be doing a couple of free talks and a couple of workshops online in December. So make sure you go to dawnserra.com and get on the newsletter for that. They are going to be available to a global audience. So if you’re outside the U.S., you will have access to these as well. But I’m going to be talking about the performance aspect of sex and love versus the experiential aspects of sex and love. I’m going to be doing my thriving relationships workshop online, which is based all around the Gottman method research and Open Universities research over in London. Lots of stuff coming up. Of course, more episodes with more fantastic interviews and tons more of your questions. Until next time, be sure to go to dawnserra.com and this is Dawn Serra from Salt Lake City. I’m sure I will have stories about my adventures in Utah. So I will talk to you next week. Bye.