Sex Gets Real 104: Anal sex myths and tired of quickies

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Anal leakage and quickie sex. Hold on to your horses.

Sarah and Brian from YaySex.ca join in the fun this week.

Since they recently started teaching an anal sex class, we start off with a question about anal sex myths.

A listener who wants to study sexuality asks for book recommendations and we have quite the list (see below).

Plus, a heartbroken listener is tired of his wife’s interest in fast fucks and quickies. He wants lovemaking and slow sex. What can he do?

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Episode Transcript

Episode breakdown

• 0:16 – Brian and Sarah from YaySex.ca are here this week.
• 0:42 – Sex noises welcome.
• 0:57 – A little bit of a marathon? I think Brian means A LOT OF SEX WAS HAD.
• 1:10 – Apparently a full sex marathon involves throwing up from exhaustion at the end…is that a good thing?
• 2:20 – If you’re near or in Edmonton, Sarah and Brian just took over the Polyamory 101 workshop, and are teaching Anal Sex 101, too.
• 3:23 – What happens when you get into the deep, deep colon during butt sex?
• 3:38 – Another question Sarah and Brian got at a recent anal sex class was on how long it takes a butt to recover if you stretch it really really big.
• 4:40 – A listener wrote in that her friends at terrified of butt sex because of the myths around have a gaping asshole and anal leakage. We weigh in.
• 5:16 – People forget that sometimes poop can be REALLY big.
• 5:43 – For a little while, Brian had a Twitter account that was his bowels.
• 6:10 – The sphincter muscles of the butt are like any other muscle – as long as you don’t rip them, they’ll return to their resting state and won’t be perpetually hanging open.
• 7:46 – If someone is anticipating something big going into their ass, they often tense up, but as you’re slowly warming up, relaxing, the muscle can release a little.
• 8:24 – There can always be poop, lube, or enema water during anal sex. But after the sex, leakage is really not a major concern.
• 9:26 – Dan Savage once talked about if anal leakage and gaping assholes were an actual problem, then the gay district in San Francisco would have shit-covered streets. And it doesn’t. So we’re all fine.
• 10:55 – Mr. S Leather is a leather store in San Francisco that targets gay men and some of their dildos are ENORMOUS, so if those guys don’t have poop falling everywhere, a few fingers or a standard sized dildo or a cock won’t really do much to a butt.
• 14:03 – A listener wrote in asking for some advice. Lately, sex hasn’t been as frequent and she is worried about how to make her partner more comfortable in trying new things and adding some adventure to their sex.
• 15:01 – It’s important to reflect on whether you’re truly happy with the amount of sex you’re having, because it’s easy to compare yourself to all the magazines and Hollywood stories and myths and your friend’s reports on frequency. But what matters most is how you feel about it.
• 16:49 – We are attracted to novelty, so your sex drive can taper off.
• 17:13 – It’s so important to ask how you define sex. Is it intercourse only or other sexual activities?
• 18:24 – Slippery otter play?
• 19:34 – When you talk to your partner about trying new things, present it as a fun adventure you’re going on together, not a big failure in how things currently are.
• 21:15 – Sometimes talking about sex is just awkward and weird. And that’s OK. Let it be awkward.
• 22:57 – There are so many tool for talking about sex like Yes/No/Maybe lists or LadyCheeky.com gifs.
• 24:10 – Esther Perel talks a lot about rekindling desire in her book “Mating in Captivity”.
• 26:21 – Sammy wants to know all of our best book recommendations on sex and sexuality.
• 27:00 – All sex geeks should check out Sex Geekdom, which is an international group with meet-ups in cities around the world to talk about sexuality.
• 28:11 – Sarah loves the book “Leatherfolk” by Mark Thompson.
• 29:26 – “Girl Sex 101” by Allison Moon for sure. It’s new and full of amazingness.
• 29:47 – A few years ago, “Sex at Dawn” by Christopher Ryan was important for where Brian was in his life at the time.
• 30:12 – Dawn’s number 1 recommended book to her clients is “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski.
• 30:18 – Also, “Urban Tantra” by Barbara Carrellas.
• 30:43 – “The Ultimate Guide to Kink” by Tristan Taormino is terrific for intro to kink reads.
• 30:47 – Women’s sexual empowerment reads would be Amy Jo Goddard’s “Woman on Fire” which just came out a few months ago.
• 31:08 – Sarah also recommends “More Than Two” by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert on relationship dynamics and polyamory.
• 31:25 – Another amazing book is “Rewriting the Rules” by Meg-John Barker. Whoa. Totally paradigm shifting.
• 31:55 – All three of us have a love-hate relationship with Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages.“
• 32:33 – You can take the love language quiz for free online. (But sadly at the time of airing, their server was down and I couldn’t validate the link, so just Google it.)
• 35:00 – If you’re studying sexuality, it’s so important to form a solid sex-positive foundation. Then, as you read older books or books that are sexist or dated, you can reject anything that isn’t inclusive or sex positive, but take a few nuggets that add to your knowledge base.
• 37:38 – A listener wants to know what to do. His wife only likes wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am quickie sex, and he wants long, languid, soft lovemaking. What can he do? Discussing sex isn’t really great between them, either.
• 40:11 – Stress can make it SOOO hard to get in your body and enjoy sex. How long is her To Do list?
• 41:19 – Discussion can feel like complaining if sex is just one more thing on a long list of things that needs your attention, too.
• 43:25 – Even if you find a great time and method for having conversation about sex, this listener’s wife might just really like hard, fast sex. That’s super valid.
• 43:58 – If change is possible, if she is open to other types of sex, it will probably be more effective to work on small changes as a team rather than pushing for huge change all at once like an ultimatum.
• 44:44 – Reid Mihalko’s difficult conversation formula might be a great start.
• 48:05 – Changing the location of where you have sex can make a HUGE difference.
• 51:16 – Seeing a therapist or a coach could be a terrific way to learn how to talk to each other. Just make sure whoever you work with is sex positive. Too many professionals are super sex negative.
• 51:54 – Is it truly long, extended sex or long, extended connection that he is missing? That’s a powerful question.
• 54:14 – Want to stay in touch with Sarah and Brian? Pop over to yaysex.ca, and follow them on Twitter at @yay_sex.

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